Sunday Morning

 I hate crying.  Gives me a headache.  I feel like I spent all my teens and most of my 20's sobbing and want to put that behind me.  Yes, that is not a healthy attitude.  I still have it.  

Last night sucked.  Ron kept bothering me after I went to bed and I blew up at him telling him I NEED MY SLEEP you don't understand how important this is.  I also told him I wouldn't be able to take care of him if I couldn't sleep (most nights).  I can love him to the moon but my body requires sleep.  Bad things happen physically and mentally if I do not get my sleep.  

I just stated facts. Anyway it penetrated and I slept OK the rest of the night.  I woke up and got Ron's medication out of the organizer which I keep on the kitchen table.  Ron likes a bite of Nutrigrain mixed berry with his dose.  As I was feeding him, the blood pressure pill slipped out of my hand and landed on the floor.  

Normally I don't wear my glasses for pill time, I only put them on when I'm up.  But I had to get them and hunt around on the floor for the damned thing. Found it and gave it to him.  Back to bed.  

Wake up 8:30 DEPRESSED.  EXHAUSTED.  I was listening to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-2VXgERjBU and I started sobbing.  Not pretty at all, but quiet because it would just freak Ron out. I cried during the entire song, got a headache, maybe it will help me emotionally long run.  I don't know.  

One thing I remember about my aunt after the accident: she was very concerned I hadn't been crying.  Ron's family were wolf-sharks looking for the slightest hint of weakness. But I did cry a little one day in the ICU talking to Ron, this one was playing:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6W2JCi1D5Cw.  My aunt was so relieved, I heard her on the phone talking to someone "Heather cried".  

I just don't cry that often even before my diagnosis, during the suicidal depressions.  

I learned an interesting hack today.  Baby Girl always begs for treats every time I go in Ron's room.  I told her to eat some cat food.  She didn't.  So I got a handful of cat food, made her sit up like it was treats, and gave it to her.  And she ate it up. Good.  I can just give her the cat food that way.  I want her healthy even aside from the fact Ron is devoted to her.  

I did my God Time that went OK. I cleaned up the couch some the cat hair gets really bad.  It looks better, not perfect but better.  So that helps.  

Just an AWFUL depression.  And I'm going to whine for a minute.  Bipolar is bad enough.  Then add in caregiving which brings even the sanest to their knees at times.  It is a big load!  

How do I carry it?  Primarily my faith.  Figuring out what makes God happy and doing that.  Prioritizing.  So I didn't clean the toilet this week, I did get a couple good days of sleep.  Carving out time for me.  Practicing my faith.  

If I didn't believe, strongly, in God I would have walked a very long time ago.  But God made it clear to me He wanted me with Ron. 

And this "life" is nothing in comparison to eternity.  So I will focus on that.  

Not that my life is hell every minute I just wonder why God wants me to rely on Him THAT much.  Why I had to have "this" life vs the everyday life I see in others.  But then He wanted me doing evangelism so that is likely connected.  

Dad mentioned the parable of the sower.  Basically an evangelist goes out and plants "seeds" (of the gospel). Some of them grow, some of them don't, but the ones that grow can make many more seeds.  And I have always seen that in my own life I have planted a lot of seeds.   Maybe some of them grew, I will be happy if ONE of them grew.  But I went out and did the work.  

However God seems to send people (having read a few Christian biographies) to the School Of Pain before he sends them to do the work.  

That's it for now. Hopefully I can get a nap.