I should stay

A tough day. 

I didn't wake up with much of a headache, but I was depressed.  I did my usual morning routine.  I tried to take a nap, and did, somewhat. 

Biscuit slept with me both last night and during my nap, a little.  I move around a lot so he left. 

I got up.  Ron was asleep, but he woke up and started drinking.  He waits to eat until he has gotten drunk, so it "won't mess up" the absorption of alcohol.  Let me restate this, he eats ONE meal a day, AFTER he has gotten drunk, because alcohol is more important to him than taking care of himself. 

I did blow up at him about his Tylenol usage, letting him know it is NOT acceptable to take Tylenol and drink.  He was kind of shocked, I don't usually unload on him, but I did.  "Well, you should have just told me" he said.  "I did, and you told me to [censored] off!"

Then we watched some animal videos on Youtube.  He liked that.  We didn't watch the giraffe, but played noisy animal videos, parrots talking, monkeys screeching, rhinos, stuff like that.  He had a good time and I didn't mind doing it. 

Then he discovered the garbage disposal wasn't working.  He was very drunk and angry, screaming at God, sticking his hand in the disposal, yelling at me to turn it on.  I only did after he took his hand out.  He was very ugly during the whole process, screaming at God (everything in the world is God's fault), but he did fix it.  I thanked God.  I can't repeat what Ron said. 

He immediately went to drinking more.  He yelled at me about the state of the kitchen.  I should have reminded him I am still depressed.  That's the problem with not having any manias anymore, I don't have the drive and energy to clean everything up. 

Then he asked me if I was going to have an affair with Chuck.  I made it very clear: if I leave you, there will not be another man involved.  If I leave you, it will be on my own.  Well, I would take the cats, but I wouldn't leave him for someone else.  I would leave because I had to protect myself, and the cats, from his drinking.  I didn't say the last. 

I made it clear, I would not leave you for another man.  If I leave it will be on my own. 

Then he tried to tell me that living with him, "as bad as I am" was "still" better than living with my family of origin (not his words).  Yes, things were bad growing up.  Yes, at the time I turned 18 Ron looked like a quick and surefire way out.  But I have supported myself for months on end while he was gone.  I ran the business by myself for a month without him last year.  I can support myself.  It might be tricky but I have faith I could do it, if I had to. 

I didn't respond to that.  Ron wanted me to agree with him, that living with him was better than living with "them".  I didn't.  Frankly, that's not a good enough reason to stay. 

I should stay because I feel he values me and respects me, that he would never call me a name.  I'm not stupid, he would probably raise his voice to me now and then but he wouldn't be abusive.  I should stay because he is a man who fears God and values a relationship with Him. 

I shouldn't stay out of fear of financial difficulties, fear of the unknown, or worries.  I shouldn't stay because Ron is "better than" my abusive childhood.  I just jumped out of one frying pan into another.  But I was a kid and I don't blame myself for that. 

All in all, a really depressing day.  At least Ron is treating the cats now which does make me smile. 

By the way, Ron still refuses to brush Baby Girl.  I did, this morning.  She kept trying to bite the hairbrush but we got it done.  Her fur looks a little funny where I cut the mat out but she is purring when I pet her in the area. 

Good, I don't want her to suffer. 

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