Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Frozen like fish stick

Well, that was a challenging couple of days.  Yesterday I worked about 10 hours straight for Ron, running trips to the warehouse, bringing some very heavy inventory to the business, and helping him stock it and put it away.  I came home, ate, and went to bed, thanking God I could have a nice long sleep. 

Until we had the drama.  Ron woke me up a few hours later, very drunk and behaving badly.  No, he didn't touch me.  Yes, he woke me up, slightly trashed my bedroom, and used some very bad language as applies to me.  I was pretty furious and had a hard time sleeping after that. 

My consolation was my beloved Bubba-cat (the black one), still curled up in my bed and sleeping away.  We had a good cuddle.  Now and then he'd wake me up for petting, I'd pet him for a while, and we'd fall asleep again. 

Yeah, I know.  The cat can wake me up but Ron "can't".  Well, Ron wasn't purring.  Needless to say I did not have a good rest or good dreams. 

When I got up Ron remembered what had happened.  He was very apologetic.  I told him "You say you can manage this - well manage it."  I reminded him he wouldn't stay long if I went off my pills and behaved badly towards him.  I told him "You need to manage the quantity you consume, the speed you're drinking, or both".  He agreed. 

I got up and did my God Time.  Ron moped around, convinced I "hated" him.  I told him no, but I did wonder about demon possession.  He gave me permission to try to get rid of the demon, if there is one, "next time".  We had a talk about "next time" - and my expectation he would either control the drinking, or stop the drinking.  I told him this was something I would leave him over. 

I need stability - at least some - and I need to get a set amount of sleep every night if I want to remain "stable".  He understood. 

I forgave him (Bible is real clear on that).  He went off and read his book for a while.  I read my book for a while - it's very good.  I haven't had enough time to read lately. 

I finished my book ("People of the Flood" by Vaughn Heppner), and decided to have a little day out.   I brought a little money and my bus pass, that was it.  It's not like I could read my Kindle at the bus stop. 

Which one?  The one where I got robbed? 

I went out and missed the northbound bus, so I caught the southbound.  I had a good transfer to the other bus, the driver actually saw me running and waited. 

I got off and went to the Christian bookstore.  I told them about the last handout, and let them know I had been making referrals.  They were nice about it, but it was clear I was the only one really excited.  I felt a little lame after that, and left. 

I headed to 1960.  It's a busy road.  I wanted to cross at an interchange where it meets another busy road.

However, I've been having some anxiety issues and froze like a fish stick.  For many years after Ron's accident, I would have panic attacks when I got near traffic, on foot.  I also have a huge fear of heights, and did I mention I had to cross OVER the interchange?  The two combined in a nasty way and left me frozen and very upset. 

The anxiety may be the one thing that gets me off caffeine.  I was miserable. 

Some Day Out.  I really wanted some of that bread pudding from Fiesta.  It's so good.  However, if I want it I will have to approach it from a totally different angle. 

I went to Starbucks instead, and the Kolache factory.  It was good; not as good as the bread pudding, but not bad either.  I gave some testimony to someone so maybe that's why God let me have the big freeze. 

Ron was almost out of cat treats, so I got some at the pet store.  He loves to treat the cats. 

I decided to come home.  I was pretty tired and the anxiety attack had worn me out, not to mention I never slept that great to begin with. 

I came home, the same 2 buses.  The first ride was great.  The second took a while. 

I watched a guy on the median, begging.  Some groups in Houston have a "God Scam" they use to beg.  They hand out a little flyer talking about their "ministry" and ask for "donations". 

Let me tell you, if you think that money goes to reaching the lost you are wrong, wrong, wrong.  I watch them, it goes right into the pocket.  This guy was wearing a blindingly white and red striped shirt, clearly brand new.  It looked like the one in the detergent ad, that blinds your eyes.  It was spotlessly clean and pressed.  He wore designer warmups, and z-coil shoes. 

The guys who really need the money are filthy, unkempt, bearded, wearing filthy, ragged clothes.  If you want to give some money, give it to them. 

There was another man on the bench with me, older, by about 20 years, than the man begging, and he carried a backpack.  He appeared to be ready to ride the bus.  I told Ron about the begging guy, and said "If he wants to make some money he'd better dress poor!  His shoes cost me half a month's pay!  (they do)"  The guy next to me started muttering under his breath, getting agitated. 

The bus came.  I got on.  The guy did not.  That's when I realized he was affiliated with the begging guy.  I hope what I said gets back to median guy. 

Doesn't anyone make an honest living these days? 

8 comments:

Jillian said...

One idea for you..could you get a lock on your bedroom door, for when Ron is drinking?

Anonymous said...

"Until we had the drama. Ron woke me up a few hours later, very drunk and behaving badly. No, he didn't touch me. Yes, he woke me up, slightly trashed my bedroom, and used some very bad language as applies to me. I was pretty furious and had a hard time sleeping after that."

This is scary. You need to set better boundaries, because for now, it is him mistreating you, you saying "apologize" and he gives an empty one, then gets right back to drinking.

I'm not saying RON IS EVIL like some, I'm just saying, look... he does some wonderful things for you, cares for you, etc. but the drinking escalating to this level is bad.

It is tough, because you do post some great things he does, but then things like this--all people are not solely one mood, but I hope for your sake the drinking can get under control. Ron's been through so much that it is hard, I'm not judging, just hoping.

Be strong and keep up.

Anonymous said...

Another reason why I am starting to believe less and less in God and the Bible.

If Ron a supposed Christian can act the way he does then really what is the proof of conversion?

He does not have a demon. He is drinking by choice. Much easier to blame the devil than yourself when you do something wrong.

Ron's problem is the way he was raised. He never had to take responsibility for his behavior or actions. Was over indulged as a child and even in the Bible it states that spoiled children are not something to be proud of nor something to do as it causes great harm to your children when they become adults.

I saw a man at the grocery store buying cat food. He did not want to put all the cans on the belt but the clerk insisted all the cans had to be scanned (yes different flavors do need to be scanned but this is a story for another time). She was pleasant and apologetic about it. The man started practically throwing the cans on the belt. His rage was obvious. He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye and saw the look I gave him. Immediately he stopped throwing the cans on the counter.

People act one way when they think no one is watching and another way when they think people are.

Part of the problem with most Christians is the self righteousness and almost bordering on smugness that many have.

They feel they are saved so even if they behave a certain way who cares because they are still going to heaven. Truth is we all have our secret sins and vices. Things we find acceptable to do as Christians that other Christians may wag their tongues about. Each of us makes that determination and decides.

I just can't reconcile the fact that Christians can act so much worse than the supposed heathens and the only excuse I get is well maybe they are not really Christians. If that's the case heaven is sure going to be a pretty empty place.

P.S. are apologies meaningless words when a person keeps doing the same thing over and over. After all if we are really sorry and repentant for doing something wouldn't we stop doing that thing?



Heather Knits said...

Jillian, Ron drinks every day. The problem being he drinks too much, too fast, and then blacks out. He is back to using a timer to regulate the drinking. Most of the time he goes a lot longer between drinks.

Anonymous 1, I worry about him too. I shudder to think what he is doing to himself. It's been challenging for me, figuring out the lines between caregiving, enabling, and healthy boundaries.

Anonymous 2 - people sin. That's their nature. Even saved people sin. They are supposed to "work on it" and Ron is choosing to indulge - that's between him and God. I am choosing not to hate him or judge him; but do what I can to help him realize he has a problem.

When he is in blackout mode (I don't know if the other night counts because he does recall it) he certainly acts very different, as though he could have a demon. IMO, I think drinking can open the door to demons. Just like, if I stopped taking my medication, I would be opening a door to demons (no matter how strong my faith). Just my opinion.

I agree, Ron was indulged terribly. Unfortunately, a doctor told his parents if he ever cried he would go blind. Basically told them "If you don't indulge his every whim you will blind him". His parents were ignorant; and by the time they did start to discipline him he was already 8 or so. Ron has to decide on his own he wants to be mature - and to his credit, when sober and most of the time when drinking, he is sensitive and empathetic. It's the 1% that's the monster.

Ron told me he was sorry for his behavior that night - and he meant it. Will he act up again? Most likely. I accept that.

One reason I have done this blog is so I can get a balanced perspective on both of our behavior. If I'm all alone in a bubble with him, my thinking will get distorted.

At the end of the day, I leave Ron's faith walk to him and God - and focus on my own. God doesn't want me to carry around a lot of angry baggage, so I choose to let it go. Even Al anon has a lot to say about that - I can't fix him, I have to go on and have a good life. Improve *myself* to the best of my abilit, asking God for help; and seek to please God first in all things.

It's been my experience, when I focus on making God happy (remember Jesus came up with the Golden Rule), my life is a lot better than when I seek to please myself, or Ron.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 2 - people sin. That's their nature. Even saved people sin. They are supposed to "work on it" and Ron is choosing to indulge - that's between him and God. I am choosing not to hate him or judge him; but do what I can to help him realize he has a problem.

Yes this is the excuse I often hear for Christians behaving badly. If the Bible and God are real then these things should not be a problem for supposed Christians. After all you are supposed to be a new creature not the same wretched sinful mess you were before saved. Oh but we have free will and so that explains everything away.

It just does not make sense to me. Most times God it seems is quiet. Too quiet and too invisible.

Heather Knits said...

I am baffled. There is nothing in the Bible that says any believer will be perfected after salvation. It says we are to put to death the old nature; fight sin, resist the devil.

Some do, some don't.

I have to say, since getting saved at age 8 I have always seen God's hand in my life. I haven't always liked His will for me, but I have seen Him working.

I don't have to defend or protect "Christians" because anyone can say they are a Christian. I have NO idea what or whom you've encountered. A dear friend is dealing with a lot of "Christian" bullying at her kid's school - it's horrific. We're supposed to be better than that. But, like I said, some fight sin; some indulge it.

Am I saying I am perfect? Hell no. But I would like to think that when I catch myself sinning, I pull up, stop, and beat it down, repenting and asking God for help.

Anonymous said...

I am baffled. There is nothing in the Bible that says any believer will be perfected after salvation. It says we are to put to death the old nature; fight sin, resist the devil.

That statement is where the problem lies for me. There is no way of really knowing. Everyone thinks they are Christian and saved but most are not. Seems like God is just jerking us all around. I believe God exists but not the way people think he does. I believe he is nothing like any pastor christian or church tells us he is like. I believe he allows the devil to exist because he has to. Kinda of like the laws of nature. Good cannot exist without evil and vice versa.

Heather Knits said...

I agree the Devil has to exist. Do I know how? No, but studying a little electronics for my ham radio license taught me you have positive and negative energy. You can't have positive without the negative, and vice verse.

I should probably add here, I blew up a lamp after rewiring it.