Anyone's burden

So, in a lot of ways today sucked, and in a lot of ways it didn't. 

I woke up with Bubba cat.  I had a migraine.  Bubba started to vomit in the bed as I started to vomit into my bucket. 

He went back to bed.  I went to work.  My lucky black cat. 

Ron got frustrated at one point when I told him I was feeling pretty dim.  I get frustrated when I realize he has no idea what it's like inside my head. 

Then, I often think, "He couldn't handle the truth".  It would enrage him to know how I suffer. 

I'm not getting the violin and playing "poor pitiful me" - I'm stating a fact. I do suffer.  I thank God for the medication that makes my life livable; that makes me fairly functional.  I don't want to be anyone's burden. 

Neither does Ron, which is one reason why I never, ever, throw his problems at him, or make him feel like a burden.  I may fight ugly but I won't fight dirty. 

When I'm angry, I just get a really nasty tone of voice, sarcastic and bitter.  I'm not proud of that.  I am trying to work on "positivity" - being a positive person.  Even when I'm angry, I don't have to be ugly. 

I wasn't really mad at Ron, just disappointed.  I do wish he understood me better. Whenever I even think something like that I realize I need to be very careful; because the devil has a very nice man out there who would understand me so much better than Ron.  That way lies adultery, divorce, etc. 

I think emotional cheating is still adultery.  Ron's worst offense, to me, wasn't a physical one - it was a very close bond he formed with a female co worker.  That kind of intimacy should be reserved for marriage - I felt. 

At any rate, I do guard my heart.  Except for Bubba.  He's sitting up next to me, on the exercise bike, like I showed you in the video about a week ago.  He's so cute. 

And he's gone. 

So, work was not fun, lifting 30 pound cases and stacking them up in the stockroom, but the worst of the headache abated.  Then, I was just so, so, tired, which is really common after a migraine. 

The phenergan also makes me sleepy.  I just wanted to lie down for hours, which I was able to to when I got home. 

Before I went to bed, though, I was found squeezing lemons and mixing up a henna paste.  It needs to work for a couple hours before application. 

When I got up, the paste was too runny.  Ooops.  I managed to get most of it on, anyway.  Then I ran out, and had to make more. 

Next time, I will use 3/4 cup henna powder, a half cup lemon juice, a half cup brewed tea, and a half cup plain water.  I think that would make enough and a 2:1 ratio seemed to work fine for the orignal paste (before I decided it needed more water). 

I applied it all, and stuffed it under a shower cap.  Made the video blog.  Boy, the passwords were a lot of fun without my glasses, but I'm a better touch typer than I thought. 

Ron and I had an argument about housekeeping, which brought me back to wishing he understood depression and my energy levels, better.  He said something unkind but did apologize later. 

Then I watched Criminal Minds, one after the other, until ALL the paste had sat on my hair for at least 3 hours.  It took me a while to rinse it out, and I had to wash it 3 times. 

Everything running down the drain was a bright auburn.  Hm.  The acidic additives really did bring out the red, in my brown henna. 

When I got out, I found bright red where my gray had been.  I'll try to get a photo up tomorrow.  I like it, it's just very different.  I was expecting more of a plain brown; this is more vivid. 

But I like it.