Every inch of crazy

I thought I was pretty much done for the day. 

I was wrong. 

We came home after church, for a little while.  Ron took a nap.  You should have heard him snore.  Snoring doesn't bother me because my Dad always snored so loudly I could hear him through the wall (my childhood bedroom shared a wall with the master suite). 

When I ran off with Ron, the snoring was soporific.  It put me to sleep immediately.  That, and the sound of running water.  When we lived in Virginia, 6 of us shared one and a half bathrooms.  You can imagine the backup.  The older kids used to shower late at night, after I had gone to bed.  Running water always puts me out. 

Of course, since lithium is VERY diuretic the sound of running water (I have a noisemaker) also reminds me I need to urinate!  If I set mine on "rushing stream" I might as well sleep in the bathroom. 

So, we got picked up and went to the warehouse, during regular hours.  Ron and I usually go during business hours.  Everyone there is in business, and most in the vending business.  We run in, grab our stuff, and leave.  We might chat a little in the parking lot or checkout lane. 

No one browses. 

As you know, I ride paratransit so I'm on a timeline.  If my pickup is 20 minutes away, I had better be ready or I'll be left to wait for hours on another ride. 

Car people, and I love you all, don't grasp that.  They can leave whenever they want.  If they take an extra couple minutes shopping no one will care.  Unless, I guess, they had a hungry toddler. 

Good luck browsing with one of those in your cart!  [laughing] 

So, it was shopping hell.  Hell.  I had 30 minutes.  Long lines everywhere.  Everyone browsing, and blocking the aisles.  Everyone assumed I could take as long as I wanted. 

I got very impatient and irritable, especially when a little kid kept running around and bumping my leg.  Again, and again.  I don't like to be touched unexpectedly. Bad times.  I admit, I gave a nasty glare at the parents as he ran into me for the third or fourth time, and they called him over. 

I was in a horrific mood, reminiscent of the old Heather the Hatchet days.  I couldn't figure it out, until I did. 

For whatever reason, my lithium level had tanked.  I needed my lithium NOW. 

I need to take my lithium with food, a pretty hearty meal, or I get violently sick.  However, the line at the deli was awful. 

I can't reveal the next couple minutes, except to say someone could get fired and I don't want that, but they really saved me. They didn't to anything wrong, or immoral, but it might get them in trouble and I don't want that. 

Somehow I had the time to get a slice of pizza.  I did that.  I roared at someone to move his cart.  Oh, I can laugh now but I was AWFUL today.  I acted every inch of crazy.  It was shameful. 

The minute I could, I dug through my backpack, begging God for my medication.  I had taken it out - but I put it back!  Or God did, praise Him.

I gobbled 4 lithium (one day's worth, I take them all at once every day, generally around dinner), and ate the pizza.  I was a little queasy later but worth it.  I stopped wanted to bite after about 15 minutes.  I apologized to Ron, and the driver, she said she didn't notice because she was hungry.  She was eating something herself. 

So, we finally got to work (we had another pickup).  I got everything into work and got the snacks stocked.  They look a million times better than they did when I came in.  Oh, they were picked over, empty - worn out.  When I left they were nice and perky, full of all the favorites. 

Ron worked on bottled drinks. 

I gave him a "valet" ride out to the bus stop.  The credit union offers a shortcut, but it's not open on weekends.  I gave Ron a ride through the building, and around, to the bus stop.  I dropped him off just as the driver pulled up.  I put my bag in the car, then took the wheelchair back.  I had time to go to the bathroom, thank God. 

Lithium is a potent diuretic. 

We even had a straight ride home. 

See, that's the thing.  God reminds me now and then, I'm only as good as my medication.  Without my meds, I am just an awful person.  Hateful.  Look at some of my posts from a few years ago, before I got my medication right - yeah, I was busy, had a lot of interests, but pretty hateful too.  I just couldn't let things go.  I would obsess about small things and I still do that to some extent now. 

Even while this was all going on, I thought "A lot of Christians would see this as a spiritual battle, but for me it is chemical - if my lithium levels are off then I'm full of hate and sin. I'm a much "holier" person when my lithium is right!" 

Interesting.