Mixed episodes suck!

Today, not a good day for the mood.

1.  I didn't get enough sleep.
2.  I chose to watch "Walking Dead" rather than do my God Time when I did get up.  {snort}
3.  I kept obsessing (it's called ruminating) about the whole circus last night.  I was really, really, upset.

I finally made a deliberate decision to let it go.  I kept telling myself "It doesn't matter".  When the kids started up tonight, kicking the ball into the fence "It doesn't matter".

I also thought it would have been a little weird to get upset about kids, when I'm bagging up Halloween Candy with scripture booklets and a Jesus activity book.  [laugh]

I try to look at it a couple of ways, and I won't look great as I say it:
1.  I do SUCH GOOD work for God, the Devil has to attack me with mood problems, pretty annoyances, etc... just to ruin my witness and take my eyes off God.  Yes.  I know how that sounds.

2.  I remind myself that I have a serious illness: I want it to be a minor thing, but it isn't.  I have a bloody, filthy, brutal battle on my hands every day of my life.  I have to fight on, battle my moods, stay balanced and stable, so I can do good work for God.

3.  I remind myself that this "life" is temporary, and eternity is - well - forever.  The apostle Paul said while in chains in a Roman prison, (book of Philippians) "I have learned to be content wherever I am" and also, "I can do all things in God who gives me strength".  He had a very hard time, and he managed with God's help.  I can manage with God's help; but I have to ask, and accept it.

I'm a little sarcastic as I say this  "That's the great thing about a mixed bipolar episode.  Even the best of life looks like a horrible endurance race, something to be endured, instead of enjoyed."

Doc is always happy when I don't have the clear manias, but oh, I miss them.  Mixed episodes suck.  One minute I'm telling my life story to a guy at Taco Bell, the next I am snarling at the neighbor kids.  [head in hands]  God, give me the grace to deal.

Ron and I had a really dumb argument tonight, he got verbally abusive.  He wanted me to help him find something.  He started name-calling.  I told him, "I won't help you if you continue to disrespect me.  Please try to remember I am HELPING YOU."  He called me another name, and I said "That's it, I won't help you if you can't treat me with respect." and walked off.  He had to find it, on his own.  After he stormed off, I did my God Time.

It seems like a small thing, but it isn't.  My illness and life experiences have had me thinking "I am worthless" for a very long time.  That is not true.  My faith tells me God came to earth and died for me.  I have value.

Just like I wouldn't let Ron ruin a lovely coat, I don't have to "let" him try to drag me down when he's angry.  I wonder sometimes.  He was verbally abusive before the accident, but it sure got worse after.  Part of it, clearly, is impulse control.  He doesn't have much.

Last night I made some hamburger helper, and he kept eating it even after he was full because "It tastes so good".  He couldn't delay gratification.  [shrug]  So there's the organic component.

I do wonder, if he "wanted" - could he ever treat me with respect 100% of the time?  That's where I shrug and say "You know what, that's in God's hands.  I am accountable for my actions, and I will try to live my life in a way that honors God.  I will treat other people with respect, even if they are ugly, and focus on pleasing God."  That also means I will set boundaries and enforce them.

Usually, that means warning Ron, and then removing myself from the situation.  It does help; he understands.  I want to say something bitter like someone has to be the grownup but that's just hatery.

Anyway, not enough sleep.  Got up.  Stood up God so I could watch zombies.  Went to work, stuffed in a cab with a couple of other people.  New-ish driver, but he did OK.  Stocked my machines.  Happily sodas needed several cases.  Yay!

Prayed over a vending machine (not aloud) while trying to fit the new bulb into the fixture.  Boy, it was hard.  I have dis-assembled coin mechanisms faster!  Finally got it to work.  YaY!  Happy dance, made the customers laugh (obviously a little manic there).

Walking around all squinty and obsessed with keeping the neighbor kids out of my yard.  Dude, I'm glad he doesn't read my blog.  He would move.

Not my best moment; but I think it is important to be transparent.  I hope and pray some other poor bastard comes along and goes OH!  SHE HAS IT TOO!   I hope.  I hope if you are in my shoes, you are TAKING YOUR PILLS AS DIRECTED and AVOIDING ALCOHOL.  OK.  Done with lecture.

Again, a little manic.  I am going to eat and take my night-time stuff shortly.

The other vendor's wife came to me.  Her hand was bleeding.  She had tried to pick up some broken glass and gotten a splinter.

Now, for a second, I wanted to get all Haz-mat and say "I'm not touching you without gloves".  But then I thought, Dude, nothing is going to happen to me outside of God's will, and she is very health-concious.  I am sure she gets tested for everything, every year.

I got a couple of rubbing alcohol wipes, cleaned her off, and removed the splinter.  More blood, some on me.  Oh, well.  After I put on her bandage I went in my stockroom and used the sanitizer.

Again, nothing's going to happen out of God's will.  

I got the deliveries, helped Ron, got everything stocked, and off we went.  We came home, and I got Mom's stuff.  She wanted some roux, she liked my painting, etc... so I went ahead and stuck it all in a tote bag with plenty of candy.

They love candy at the Post Office.  Ron took me to a restaurant nearby, and waited while I got it all mailed.  She should get it all Wednesday-ish.

I thought it was funny; I was just at the processing plant that morning, filling my machines, but I had to go miles away to actually MAIL something, which is by now, at the processing center.  [snort]  They were happy to get the candy.

I made sure the clerk knew I hadn't paid for some of the supplies, so I could get charged.  I will ruin my witness if I steal, and "not paying for" an envelope and bubble wrap is theft.  I am very rigid in that regard.  If it's a gift, that's fine, but if it's not I'm paying.

Did that, came home.  Started getting hives from lunch.  Took a benadryl, laid down for a nap.

Got up a few hours later, no hives.  Yay!  No wheat for a while.

It's sad, I have such a good mania going right now, but I have to whack it before it turns into some horrifying beast and turns on me.

So, I got up.  Watched the hoarding show and cleaned up the front room (always needs a little work).  Then I started bagging up candy, watching the show.

I did about 50 bags of Halloween candy.  They are getting a scripture booklet, activity book, full sized snickers bar, now and later, handful of hard candy, and a couple of caramels.

I hope they like it!