The fifth pillow

In some regards, I have a hard time being nice to myself.  I battle low-self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness.  I don't think I deserve good things in my life.

I'm working on that, a balance between martyrdom, self-respect, and selfishness.  It's an interesting road.

For instance, I love a lot of pillows in my bed.  Nothing makes me feel spoiled like a nice fluffy nest of pillows.  Most of the pillows are several years old, and cost me less than $10 each.  I like the ones with the polyester puff, kind of like down but without the allergies.  I can fluff them up and adjust them, without bothering my allergies.

I've mentioned before, I like to stack 3 of them, pyramid-style, for my head.  I also like to have a pillow to one side when I sleep on my side.  I can throw my leg over it.

One, recent, night, I was lying in bed, tossing and turning, trying to sleep.  I flipped from one side to the other and noted I only had a pillow on one side.

I rolled over on my back and stared at the ceiling.  Why, I thought, didn't I have another.  I have plenty of inexpensive pillows in the house.  It would be an easy matter to put one in my bed.

I finally concluded, I had felt it would be "over-indulgent".  A fifth pillow in my bed!  The horror!

Well, I thought, that's just STUPID.  I resolved to put the fifth pillow in my bed.  It took about a week, and a nasty migraine, but I finally rounded one up and placed it in the bed.

I still have trouble sleeping, but I'm a lot more comfortable in the process.  I'm glad I did it.

I think it's a little sad it took me so long, but that's OK, I'm learning.  Progress is important, not the speed.

Oh, and Ron?  He loves to sleep on a euro-square pillow, just one, a big 26 inch square.  He adores it.  It is really old, and I offered to replace it, but he always protests.  He really does like it.

So, I have my 5 pillows, he has his single, and when he comes to visit I throw a couple on the floor.