The Old Enemies

After an hour of uploading, Blogger shut down. I guess if I video blog I'll upload it to Youtube and then link over here.

Anyway, battling some depression tonight. I told Ron, which I hate to do. I have a very strong script "Don't bother people with your mental illness".

I've said this, but it is so hard, when I'm in the pit, to actually climb out and do things I enjoy. I have to force myself to pick up my knitting, listen to my music, and even drink one of my beloved Diet Dr Peppers. Things are so damned hard.

"Loss of interest" doesn't even come close to describing what it's like to find my happiness account completely overdrawn and a gang of misery thugs on my tail. UGH. Envision me, running down a dark street, slipping in a puddle of god-knows-what, hiding behind filthy dumpsters as the old enemies Self Harm, Hopeless, Despair, Pointless, NoFun, Hateful, and Suicide (fortunately haven't seen that rascal in a while) chase me like a pack of starving wolves. Occasionally one corners me and gives me a beating, leaving me battered and bleeding in the street, as passers-by seem oblivious. It's a battle, and one I seldom share with "Normals".

I mean, who really wants to know how badly I'm hurting? It's like my husband and his neuropathy, I don't really want to know. It's bad. I can tell. He is in discomfort for hours a day, I can tell. He says it is OK and tolerable, I accept that. He doesn't tell me more and I'm OK with that.

I guess I feel that others feel the same. Who wants to know I am battling hopelessness and despair? I always feel like the manias are "fine" to share; yippee. Let's go on an adventure. I love you, me, and everyone. [sigh] But I always, always, pay.

The depressions are far better than they used to be. In September, our local sporting goods store always runs promotions on handguns, shotguns, and rifles. Back in 2006, I was irresistably drawn to the shotgun page of the sale flyer; and the realization that I could afford a "foolproof" method of suicide. That's when I knew I needed some help.

I got another flyer today and mentioned it to Ron. He debated gun ownership and we agreed to rely on God's protection; a gun used for us can also be used against us.

I can get online and blog about this, go out and have a decent time at lunch, spend time with my husband and enjoy my cat. While I'm not having an easy time, I can manage.

I remember, 4 years ago, talking to the evaluator at the hospital, a mental health technician who had to determine if it was safe to let me go. "I can't handle another depression like this" I confided. I don't have depressions like that anymore. I haven't considered harming myself for years.

I still try to tough it out, and keep my problems inside. I feel uncomfortable exposing my "belly". However, Ron was great. Instead of reading his book alone in his room, he came out and played it for me. I teased him by singing part of "Homewrecker", and actually felt like singing for that moment.

I'm still at a far lower volume than usual; but I'll manage. I'll keep on, take my medication, stay busy, and refuse to give up. Like I always do.