I'm her daughter now - Continue to pray

Agh. I'm a little discouraged.

I guess I should have expected it. Sometimes I feel like the only one I can depend on is God.

But first, some positive stuff. When my Dad remarried, his wife effectively "adopted" me. When I threw up on the floor, she cleaned it up. She taught me needlework, cooking, gardening, and helped me with my homework. She did her best to protect me.

My own mother was such a mess I seldom saw or heard from her. I felt pretty cheated. Most divorced kids I knew at least had a photo of the non-custodial parent (I did not until 2003). They got regular phone calls. A gift on a birthday. Things like that. I got sobbing, drunken phone calls of apology, for God knew what (I know now). I used to dread them.

And I? I had a mother who didn't give birth to me. I was expressing this in some form and she said "I'd like to tell you something, Heather. We didn't want to tell you because it didn't work out. But I asked about legally adopting you. It was decided that your own mother was too unstable, and "losing" you on paper might harm her. But if it were up to me, I'd make it official." That meant a lot.

It also illustrated quite a bit about my own mother. Anyway, today I had a "Family" request on Facebook. Huh. Whaddat? I clicked on it. She adopted me... [grin]. I'm her "Daughter" now. That made me smile. I was really glad I'd started the project for her.

I am frustrated and angry with Ron. He has battled for years with a problem. When he is involved in the problem, nothing is more important. He shushes me, yells at me, and acts like an addict.

He even saw a show about this program and said "I have that problem. I guess that means I am a dopamine addict." This problem tended to revolve around a book. The book is for adults only.

I can understand addiction. My mother had addictions. I have a sugar addiction. I treat my problem my abstaining and refusing to have any sugar in my home (except for the driver candy I distribute). When I face my problem, I do not indulge. I avoid, resist, and fight. I remind myself that it the problem hurts myself and others.

Ron has slid back into his old problem with this book. If you ask him, he has plenty of excuses. I won't share them. He has wanted to have long discussions about "The book", forgetting that he has told me the exact same things before. When I remind him, he acts injured and offended.

"The Book" only comes on talking book tapes. Ron has rediscovered the joy of the mp3 file. He figured out how to run a patch cord and turn the cassette tapes into MP3 files. I can't even walk into his room when he's recording. I can't talk to him. God forbid I forget.

Today was the final straw. He had it playing out loud as he taped. Absolutely filthy stuff that violates probably every commandment in the book. I had to double-check some accounting figures with him so we could do the report.

The talking book was loud and graphic... and I'm trying to work. I asked politely "Can you please turn it down while we work?"

NO! Great. So I had to listen to this filth and run the numbers past him. I don't know what he's doing or where but the report still needs to get filed.

I am just so disgusted and hurt. THAT is more important that me?

Then I remind myself, humans fail. God does not. It's pretty sad that I have to keep re-concluding these facts.
Well, if he is into this maybe he'll cut back on the alcohol. He has talked to my parents when drunk, so I think they have a pretty good idea now. [sigh] When he is into the filth, he is not drinking, generally. He does not wake me up falling on the floor, or get angry and violent.

I'll look at the bright side, and CONTINUE to pray for God to save him from his addictions.