Heather the Heretic?

Some might consider this heretic; but I am convinced God uses my cat to comfort me. If you look at my slideshow, you'll see two cats. The white one was very old when he came to live with me, had 4.5 great years, and then went to Jesus. "Frosty" is one of the reasons I didn't commit suicide. Ron always saw him as "My" cat, and I knew if I died, especially by my own hand, he'd have the cat put down. I loved Frosty too much.

He would come and lay on my lap as I cried and cried. Even if I wasn't crying he'd just get up into my lap and settle down. He was wonderful, and I know he's in heaven.

Bubba (black cat) is a far more independent cat, but when I'm having a bad day I like to take a nap, if possible. I did so today. Bubba got into bed with me as soon as I lay down, curling up against my left side and staying there for hours. What a wonderful comfort.

I felt very emotionally battered this weekend. On top of the other worries, sales at work are poor. I don't know how we'll pay the flood insurance, due in 2 weeks, but God always manages something.

My mood was great, but I was pretty foggy from my medication. Hey, I wasn't manic or depressed. I was satisfied!

After work I had to take Ron to the dentist. He could have gone by himself but it would have been very difficult. Besides (shrug) I don't want to be hateful. It won't do any good to stay angry because Ron drinks.

We had a trip to Walmart, I got some ice cream and soda. Ron said he'd pay for "my" items and then told me "Happy Birthday" in a really tender tone of voice - which I found deeply alarming. This is the same guy who has literally shouted in anger everytime the birthday subject is raised. The "Nice" guy is almost as scary as the shouter.

Earlier, he told me one's birthday should be a day of sorrow and grief because they are still alive. That is sad!

We looked at cell phones, I liked the cheapest one. I found that funny. I said I am happy with mine. On Saturday, I forgot my "regular" MP3 player. I had another one Ron had given me "I don't like this one, it's not blind friendly" a while back. I had put my talking Bible files and a Christian living book onto it. I asked to borrow Ron's headphones because I was hearing really odd things on mine, then gave them back. Ron wanted to know and I explained the MP3 player was malfunctioning.

He kept insisting he needed to give me another one, and I've told him half a dozen times, it wasn't my primary device. My 1 Gigabyte (yeah, go ahead and laugh) RCA Pearl was fine, but hanging on the hook, by the door, at home.

Today he mentioned it again, and I showed him "My" player, still working fine. "I don't need another player, this one works fine" and explained the backup player was malfunctioning. In his own way, I honestly believe Ron wants to care for, protect, and provide for my needs. I think he gets overwhelmed with worry and confused with alcohol.

AGH. So, we came home after Walmart and then went to the dentist. All of the drivers have LOVED getting the ice cream. I'm so glad I bought it. It's a nice half cup portion, vanilla ice cream with chocolate cake, frosting, and sprinkles in it. One driver ate it in our driveway. Happily, I still have plenty left.

I like to spoil people. I didn't NEED it but I bought myself more of the chocolate peanut butter sugarfree icecream. Ron has plenty of food, I did a "cook night" last night and made him a dozen burritos. I put spicy refried beans on a whole-wheat tortilla, add seasoned ground beef, (maybe eggs also), shredded cheese, canned salsa, and jalapeno pepper slices. Then I roll it up (I briefly worked at a Mexican fast food restaurant), wrap it in a paper towel (so they don't stick when frozen), and freeze them in large zip-top bags. Ron takes one out the night before, thaws it in the fridge, and then heats it. It's a lot easier than having me cook him a meal. He loves them. He also has plenty of frozen TV dinners, juice, and cooked meat items like my cheddarburgers.

Tonight I don't have to cook anything for him; and plan to make a dinner of my "new" ice cream. A wise counselor once told me, 'Heather, sometimes you have to please yourself, and that may mean eating ice cream for dinner, especially if you are battling difficulties with Ron AND a depression." Rather alarming to think she said that 11 years ago.

Well, I ask God for a strong back to carry my burdens and He provides. I have also concluded something: every evangelist has a thorn, at least one. When things are horrible in my marriage, when I'm battling a horrendous depression, that's when I seem to make the most impact. That's when God calls me to do amazing things like Big Bible Handouts. God's strength is made perfect in my weakness, and my problems keep me focused on Him. They also help me to realize I can ONLY do it with God's help.

It would be easy, I imagine, if I had an easy life, to become puffed up with pride, disobedient to God's promptings, and utterly useless. When I have horrible depressions and my husband is shouting at me, it literally drives me to my knees in prayer, asking God to use me.

I don't believe I am resentful of having to carry a heavy load; sometimes I get resigned. Other days, like today, God's path is clearer and He gives me the strength and perspective I need to carry on. This life is so short, and I will only take the things I've done for God with me when I die.

I want Him to tell me I did a good job.

Compared to many people, I have an easy life, too. I have a nice little home, safe and secure. I don't have to worry about the secret police breaking in and dragging my husband off into the night. I seldom get overtly persecuted for being a Christian and sharing my faith openly. I have fresh running water at the turn of a faucet, a healthy pet, and a husband who provides for us both. My own health is excellent, and I can afford AND tolerate the medication that keeps me balanced. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude.

I've said this, God is calling me to do a Big Bible Handout. I've got enough money in my pocket to buy a case of New Testaments. 100 count. I called the store, they have them and put them on hold. I'll go in tomorrow (Ron will give me a ride over to the store). Most likely I will prepare the Bibles (I like to insert my "Where to Look in the New Testament" tract, an End Times tract, and underline Revelation 21:4, for each Bible), right there in the store and then go hand them out.

Unless I get more direction, that's exactly what I plan to do. God knows what He is doing when He allows the Devil to attack me - I get ANGRY and I FIGHT BACK. So, if you pray, please ask God to guide and protect me, and to lead hungry souls to me so I can give them a Bible and put them on the prayer list.

I may not have mentioned this, but I pray for ALL of you, twice a day.