Sunday, April 12, 2015

Price tag

I get a lot of traffic on the weekends, so I feel like I have to at least give you an update. 

I love the new racks.  I got caught up on laundry.  I did a lot of purge/organize in the bedroom closet.  Since I have my dresser in there, and it is non-walk-in, I don't have much room.  What little room I had was taken up by various items, outsized clothes, etc. 

I will say this: if you want to get me a gift, get me some Handout Bibles, a Lifeway Gift Card, or a Walmart gift card.  I will absolutely give you your money's worth in use and enjoyment. 

I just hung up the t-shirts I washed, I have a lot, about 20.  I have 2 pairs of capris and 2 hanging-out-around-the-house pants/shorts.  Most of my t-shirts are black or neutral, but I do have a few orange (for Handouts) and other bright colors I bought when manic. 

Someone reading this will understand the horror of going through your closet and looking at your bought-while-manic selections.  Even worse, remembering what you paid! 

All that went away, I only have stuff I will actually wear. 

I finished filling up our trash can.  I will have to "hiatus" more purging until garbage day, or get some bags. 

I was just happy I had the energy for some work.  It helped, I think, that I didn't run any errands or work today. 

I worked for a couple of hours, took a nap, had a bizarre dream about Lucifer's baby (I was trying to protect him, because we were related), and woke up.  I realized I was on a fast slide to depression. 

I also need to take the lithium earlier in the day: I get fiercely thirsty and pee constantly.  It is tiring.  It is awful at night. 

So, I took my lithium, depakote, and haldol.  They got to work, but here comes the ferocious thirst and extreme fatigue. 

Ron kept telling me I should do this and that, organizing and cleaning the house.  I told him "I'm out of gas".  He was pouting and whining. 

I don't think any civilian can really understand. 

For example, one of my internet friends started a new medication that is, on occasion, used for bipolar.  She has nothing but bitter complaints about how it "slows her down, makes it hard to think, and makes her tired". 

Welcome to my world, I wanted to say.  I didn't, but I admit to feeling a little bitter.  She can take something else. 

I don't resent my side effects: I resent people minimizing them or misunderstanding the deep repercussions they wreak in my life.  People are always telling me "It's not that bad" I "Seem fine". "
Don't need to take all that".  Ron always makes cutting comments he calls "jokes" whenever I need to take a nap. 

Back in the day, when I was manic, a lot, before my diagnosis, I would work out for 2 hours a day, every day.  1 hour cardio, one hour weights.  I got down to 150 and looked pretty good. 

Recently someone (not Ron) suggested I "just go work out like you used to".  I was so, profoundly, frustrated.  He doesn't get it: I can't work out 2 hours a day anymore.  I can barely wash my hair. 

He told me his girlfriend does this and that, and looks great - and I'm sure she does.  She is not bipolar.  She is not taking toxic mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and antidepressants that wreak metabolic havoc.  She is not me.

However, because I seem fine everyone assumes I am fine, that I'm not mentally ill.  That I'm not paying a horrific price tag (again, happy to pay it because before was a lot worse) for my apparent stability. 

You like having me around?  It comes with a price: fatigue, brain fog, nausea, vomiting, memory trouble, tremors, extreme digestive issues, a constant thirst, frequent urination, waking up feeling utterly exhausted, etc.  I'm paying that every minute of the day. 

Please respect that. 

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