Today, I wished I had "I hate myself for loving you" on my MP3 player.
Sigh.
People worry about "some maniac" coming to my house and chopping me into little bits. I don't worry about that at all.
I worry about Ron having another blackout.
You can imagine my alarm when he started up the old "Why won't you buy me beer, it's like water!" I told him it was my policy not to buy him any beer.
He wanted to know why. He assumes it is because my mother was an alcoholic. He is wrong.
I made the policy, one night, in tears, sitting on the edge of my bed after the most hateful verbal abuse you can imagine. He had a blackout drinking beer, and I had helped him buy it. I kept kicking myself, "Heather, you stupid bitch, this is all your fault. You buy him alcohol, he verbally abuses you. What's it going to take for you to stop?" I resolved, then and there, I would never buy him another drop of alcohol.
You can imagine the reaction - apopalyptic. I recieved a lot of threats, shouting, verbal abuse, personal attacks, blackmail, and bribes. I did cave a few times, with predictable blackout results.
I have "stood firm" for years now, but every now and then he brings it up, generally when we go to Walmart. Simply put, he wants me to buy the beer because it is "easy".
He said the employees ask him why I don't get it for him. "Tell them I think you have a problem" I replied. He didn't like that much.
In fact, when confronted by a Walmart employee who asked me point blank - I said "I'm sure I have a very good reason." She understood.
It's inconvenient, he said, for to call and ask for an employee to help him buy the alcohol and take him through the checkout line. It's embarassing.
No.
No.
No.
When he got to the "verbal abuse, blackmail, and threats" portion of the program I stopped reacting. He wanted me to react - he wanted a crack so he could get in there and wheedle me into buying him more alcohol.
I did respond when he had calmed down and asked me why. I told him "I bought you beer once, you had a blackout and acted terribly. I promised myself that night I wouldn't buy you any alcohol."
"That's in the past" he said "Why are you living in the past?"
"Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it" - I didn't say it but I will next time. Absolutely true. I have 21 years of experience.
I went outside and called my aunt. She confirmed what I needed to hear: It is absolutely fine to refuse to buy alcohol for an alcoholic. I don't need to react to threats and name calling. God wants me to act appropriately while remaining firm.
I had 3 large boxes I needed to ship from the Post Office. I had them strapped onto my handcart for easy transport.
"What if I cancel our trip, right now?" I thanked God, privately, that I live on a bus line. It was pouring rain.
"I'd take my cart and go on the bus" - this is why I will ALWAYS live on the bus line, even if I married a man who could drive.
"You won't help me, why should I help you?" I told him to do whatever he was going to do. I had my bus pass.
"Well, I'm not that kind of [creep]. I'm going to help you, even though you won't help me." That's called loan sharking - create a debt and them make them "pay up".
Overall, I just found it very sad, tiresome, and frustrating. It was a stark reminder that Ron will always be an alcoholic. He will always been enslaved to liquor and he can only fight it with abstinence.
The worst part, he doesn't think he has a problem. He doesn't think he is a diabetic; he is. He doesn't think he is an alcoholic; he is. He is in big danger from both until he admits he has a problem.
I am pretty certain, if Ron thought he could drink without getting more, ulcerated, diabetic blisters, he would do so.
In fact, Ron, outraged, asked me point blank "When's the last time I had a blackout?" "The night the neighbor had his party." I replied "You fell and hit your head, the doctor kept asking at your appointment." (the head wound was pretty spectacular - got infected, and took weeks to heal)
"Oh" he fumed.
It's just sad. I'm not even angry or even betrayed. I'm just sad. Ron is a slave. He doesn't know it. He loves his "master" more, sometimes, than me.
I don't want to be second.
1 comment:
To coin a phrase, Heather, "I feel your pain". It hurts to know that you give yourself, all of yourself, to someone you love more than life itself, and to know that even though they love you, there's a part of them that refuses to "be there" in the relationship with you, no matter what the cause is. It's as if to them, you are half of the couple, but they are themselves. No matter how good things are most of the time, it hurts to know there's a different way it could be, a more complete way, and with both of you considering yourselves one half of this relationship, rather than you being half of couple, while they reserve the right to just be themselves. I'm not explaining this very well, but I think I know how you must feel at times. Alcohol or substances aren't the only things which can create this dynamic in a relationship, I can tell you.
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