Run Away

The laws of common decently state I can't tell you what Ron did to the bathroom last night and this morning; although I did share it on a secret Facebook group.  [twitch]  Three times, he did this. 

Apparently, I have to look before I sit down, or win myself a shower with the antibacterial soap.  This is the kind of awful-life post that will probably get a few hits. 

"I thought I had it bad."  Oh, it's very frustrating. 

I just want to go to bed and sleep, you know?  I don't want to have to listen to all the drama of a drunken cripple falling, getting up, fixing himself snacks, and making those horrible grunting noises that mean "Get ready for a big surprise!"  I just want to go in the bathroom without looking and sit down. 

I want to go to work with a man who is sober, wearing clean clothes, and smelling of soap instead of alcohol.  One who doesn't curse me when I suggest he take a bath and put on some clean pants, and let me put a bandaid on your head there. 

No, I got a very belligerent, staggering, slurring, man who stunk of alcohol and had a huge, bloody, knot on his head.  I got the man who publicly mocks my faith, called me horrible names in addition to that, and had a temper tantrum because I wouldn't stop work to get him a hot dog out of the vending machine. 

I mean, I have to wonder, is he TRYING to run me off?  I think, one one level, he is. 

I honestly believe that some part of Ron feels like he doesn't deserve my love (I'm sure a few of you would agree).  He has a "script" in his head that says "Everyone leaves you, you lose everything, you end up in some hellhole assisted living, and drink yourself to death.  The only people in your life are paid to be there, or out to exploit you."   He seems bound and determined to make this happen, and I can't stop him. 

Thanks for dragging me down with you! 

So, I did a few positive things today.  I told him, I would not help him walk if he cursed at me.  I told him he had to clean the toilet (still waiting on that one, but I'm stubborn).  I walked away when he cursed at me publicly.  I made sure the other vendors saw him in that condition. 

He drinks, he sleeps for a while, drinks some more.  Gets up and makes a lot of noise, and calls the 1-2 people who're still taking his calls (he is very offensive when drunk).  Eats, making a dreadful mess.  Makes a lot of noise in the middle of the night.  He thinks he stops drinking around midnight, but by then he's in full blackout and heading off for refills until 4 or so. 

He probably falls a few times.  Maybe he injures himself; maybe not.  He has damaged a lot of his property while drunk. 

In the morning, he is very groggy and extremely defensive.  He "doesn't want" to work, and it's hard to get him out of the house.  He goes to work, and does maybe 10-20% of the work.  Then we go home.  He sleeps, then wakes up "After 12" and starts drinking again.  Repeat. 

He's killing himself, and killing me too. 

By the way, I realized today he is completely unfit to make any medical decisions for me.  My aunt will make my decisions. 

Guaranteed, if my gallbladder blows out or I get hit by a car, she will be SOBER when she picks up the phone.   She will make a logical, educated, decision in line with my wishes. 

I am asking God for help; Ron needs to realize he has a problem and get help.  I am tired of him trying to drag me down to his level.  He needs to "forgive" God for "making him blind" and start leaning on Him for help.  He needs to respect and value me, instead of constantly attacking the one person who has stood by him. 

It wasn't all bad, though.  When I got home the cat was a wonderful, loving "husband".  He asked me about my day, let me pet him, and curled up with me for a nap.  He also came up on the couch with me during my God Time and got petting and treats. 

Some others, seemingly unrelated, also sent me some very kind and positive messages on Facebook.  I really appreciated it. 

I just want to run away, or beat my head into a wall.