Acting like a resident

I've come to the conclusion: I don't really "own" my house.  Mentally, I'm always expecting the worst case, planning for disaster.  I've always planned mentally for having to move out, losing the house, something breaking on the house and repairing it, but never really relaxed into it and said "This is my house". 

As a result, I feel more like a renter than an owner.  One facing eviction on a daily basis. 

These days, I just have an incredible sense of pressure.  Financial concerns are major; we can barely afford to live in the house.  Marital pressures: Ron is stressed out due to finances, on top of what I believe are existing depression and alcohol problems.  Finally got it, mostly, through his head: no verbal abuse. 

I agree with those of you who say Ron doesn't want me getting another job because he fears me leaving him.  I think that's a factor.  He also told me the worst time of his life, was watching me go off to work every day while he sat at home.  He could hear all the cars starting up and going to to work, and he just sat at home while *I* worked.  It was awful for him.  I believe, for him, it WOULD be a last resort. 

I get anxious about everything; what if the cat gets sick.  What if I get sick.  What if we lose the house and/or business?  What if Ron loses his disability check?  It wouldn't be hard to make myself crazy!  I have a terrible time battling all this. 

I guess, on some level, I don't want to get too attached to the house.  If I really love it, I really own it, I'll have to leave it.  I compare my home to my aunt's and come up very short. 

I just did an incredibly invasive property tax records search, and their home is worth about 2.5 mine.  It's a lovely home, in a lovely, quiet, neighborhood.  It is loved, and lived in. 

I feel like I just cower in my house like some kind of criminal, waiting for someone to drag me out and throw me into the gutter.  On the one hand, I feel like, God gave me the house.  It was pretty clear.  I should act like I own it, paint a wall or something. 

On the other hand, the way things are, I wonder when we'll lose it, not if. 

This was supposed to be a nice break from housework, to cheer me up.  I don't think I did a very good job of that. 

I'm just grappling with that; home OWNership, versus acting like a resident. 

Onto happier thoughts, Ron took me to Starbucks this morning.  We had a nice time.  He discovered his Starbucks card, after paying, still had a $30 credit.  He was thrilled.  I can't remember the last time we charged his card, or went to Starbucks, for that matter. 

Bubba is not happy with the kitten, so for now we are keeping the kitten outside.  Lucky (the little guy) hasn't figured out the cat door, so Bubba has free run of the house.   Ron and I really like the little guy, so we'll see how he works out.  I know black cats have lousy adoption rates (50% of the rate of other colors), so I'm willing to make some changes.  WITHOUT discommodating my Bubba, the Alpha cat. 

I should add, as my final thought, I believe in the rapture, and the way things are going I assume it could happen any day.  I hope and pray it does... the way things are going, I suspect all believers are screaming for Him to "hurry up". 

Ron just walked by, carrying a cup of wine.  "See, I'm fine." 

Hurry up, Lord.