Thursday, July 2, 2015

Depressed again

Pretty depressed today. 

No headache. 

I'm just exhausted. 

We went to work, the snack machines were nearly empty.  It was alarming. 

I am glad they like my selections; but instead of working on the 4th, we have to work tomorrow instead, and do truck day. 

People ask sometimes, how often do we work?  I try to convey, it really depends on sales.  Weeks like this one, pretty much every single day. 

I'm also trying to focus on positive things, like things I love about Ron. 

Torbie chewed up the charger cord for his cell phone.  He was very nice about it, to both her and me. 

My illness doesn't scare him.  That, to me, is huge.  He respects that it is dangerous and fatal if untreated, and respects me for fighting it. 

I need that. 

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

"Merciful" a tale of 3 women

I have tried not to hear too much about the first woman.  She was disabled, in a group home, and left in a hot car to die.  They "found other injuries". 

The second woman tried to do everything for her quadraplegic mother, at home.  It ended her marriage.  The day her husband said he was leaving, she murdered her mother.  Ultimate caregiver burnout. 

Then you have me. 

I am not a proponent of group homes.  Maybe I just see "the dregs".  Maybe only the worst and most terrible group homes use the paratransit service.  I don't know.  But what I do see is horrific.  Unwashed, unfed, in dirty diapers.  Bad behavior.  Warehousing.  I look at the residents and think, I was expected to put Ron somewhere like that?   And I'm crazy, because I said no? 

I can't think of anyone I hate enough to put in a group home.  And they're big business, $30-50K a year, per resident. 

One of our drivers complained very bitterly, to us, one day.  He had always admired the "big brick houses" in our subdivision (we live in a small clapboard bungalow), tried to buy one, and was rejected because he wanted to turn it into a group home.  Thank God for deed restrictions. 

Yes, I am a NIMBY.  Not In My Back Yard.  Years ago, some people with a learning disabled child rented #2.  The kid was always in my yard, destructive, banging on my door at all hours, and bothering my cats.  We had to talk to the parents, repeatedly.  I can only imagine 7 or 8 of them. 

I understand, sometimes you don't have a choice.  My own in laws are in a nursing home.  My father in law has severe dementia, no one can handle him.  My mother in law has severe mobility issues, psychiatric issues, and a complicated medical case.  In spite of that, I would have tried to care for her, if Ron had not had his accident.  I am also unable to drive, also a huge setback. 

As it was, the choice wasn't ours to make.  Ron wasn't even consulted.  I have asked him if he wants to visit, he says no, he'd rather remember them the way he was, and they disowned him anyway.  I don't argue.  I would at least go and try to make their lives a little better, if I thought they'd want to see me. 

I know better, especially since I fought so hard to keep Ron out of a nursing home, even, at one point, yelling "Why don't you shoot him, then, it's a lot more merciful!"  

I won't throw rocks.  If someone's in a group home, that's between their family and God.  In my case I resolved to do whatever I could, in my power, to care for Ron myself.

At the end of it, it was simple: he did better when I was around.  He loves me.  I make him happy.  He still does better when I'm around. 

I do accept help, however.  I accept rides on paratransit.  I am a participant in a job program.  I accept help from the other vendors, cab drivers, church members, sponsors, blog readers, message board buddies (one gave me this computer!), and business from my customers.

I accept a lot of help.  I know I can't do "everything" on my own.  I would burn out, assuming I could even do everything, which I can't.  

However, a lot of women (like the one who burned out and murdered her mother), think they have to do it all on their own.  You can't.  You absolutely cannot. 

I have even, when necessary, left home and stayed with family for a few days, for my own safety, and Ron's, during drinking binges.  I'm sure some thought I was "horrible" but I have to protect myself.  If he won't protect me I will protect myself.  My aunt made sure I had a "good visit". 

If you are a caregiver, you have to accept help.  Yes, I am a proud woman, but hopefully becoming less so every day.   Does that mean I take Ron out on medians, begging?  No.  Does it mean I am always looking for a handout?  No!  I DO Handouts, I don't take them.  LOL 

I do accept help when appropriate.  I'm only one woman, and a badly disabled one at that.  If the cart attendant wants to help me load the truck, I accept.  If someone wants to hold the door, I smile and say thank you.  I only take what I need. 

Our yard guy would absolutely do all our work for free.  I have to "catch" him and drag Ron out, because he will only take the money from Ron's hand, if Ron "really" means it.  So I play the game and make sure the man gets paid, because he's working.  We can afford it. 

I want to be a good example of God's enablement shining through. 


Monday, June 29, 2015

Foul weather cat

I had a horrific migraine all yesterday, last night, and most of this morning. 

I did manage, yesterday, to watch a sermon online and do my God Time.  Torbie was very cuddly.  She's my foul-weather cat.  She just lives here when things are good, but when I'm in pain or depressed, she is the most loving cat imaginable. 

It's been my experience, old cats are like that. 

I didn't manage much, yesterday, not even a shower. 

I slept horribly and "had" to get up early to go to work at 4 AM.  I managed a shower, did my God Time later.  I was surprised my hair didn't look worse. 

I did have a horrific deodorant failure and did my best to avoid my customers.  I remember applying it, I don't know what went wrong. 

At work, I filled the machines, received 2 deliveries, including 50 cases of canned soda, put them away, stocked, helped Ron stock.  If I had to summarize my job in one word, it's "stock". 

Finally done.  I was exhausted, I'd slept terribly. 

I went home, ate some pizza, and took a nap.  I had very odd dreams but slept pretty well, even when #6's yard guys came by and did their work. 

I woke up with yet another headache, realizing the pizza was my trigger.  Ugh. 

It's not too bad, now, but I am pretty tired. 

We work tomorrow but not forever.  I really hope I can ENJOY my next day off. 

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Not a puker

Dreadful headache today. 

I haven't even taken a shower, or eaten, all day. 

That's a nasty one. 

Oh, well, at least it's not a puker. 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

On a totally different note (about my cycle if you are squeamish or have sex issues with such)

I recently bought a menstrual cup.  A couple of them, if you'll pardon a very bad pun. 

Why?  A couple reasons. 

Of late, my cycle has been very predictable, yet highly erratic.  The timing is perfect, literally every 28 days, with rare, day or two later, exceptions. 

How-ev-er.... the cycle itself was horrific.  I had what seemed like buckets of blood every month, using up entire boxes of female products in just a few days, just knowing the inevitable anemia was causing me yet more fatigue. 

I have to assume I could see all that again, given the "Right" circumstances.  It's a rather depressing thought. 

I also had severe hot flashes, exacerbated by my medication.  I do heavy manual labor, for a living.  That didn't help either and I worried they would think I was taking "illegals". 

I started taking phytoestrogens for the problem.  They are, basically, plant hormones.  I was hoping they would help with the migraines (but they didn't).  I have taken the Soy Phytoestrogens from Swanson Vitamins, and their Wild Yam formula (the cheap ones).  Within two cycles, I was back to a modest flow.  My last cycle was positively light.  Happy customer. 

I have also purchased Dong Quai (I alternate what I'm taking, use up a bottle, take something else, go to a third product when I finish #2).  I am certain it will be equally helpful, and maybe it just might help with those hormonal migraines. 

You can bet I will continue to take the supplements! 

But it got me thinking, obviously my hormones are a little whack.  I could go from a light cycle to a heavy one.  I have heard stories of weeks-long cycles towards the end of fertility. 

I can't afford that many tampons!   I don't have a cheap and simple way to determine if I'm even in menopause, or if so, how far along. 

I also believe we are in the end times.  As times get worse, I expect it will be harder to find "common" items like female products. 

Remember the "buckets of blood"?  That could be a problem.  

I did some research.  The cups are pretty simple.  They're a cup, that goes where it should.  It collects the fluid in the medical-grade silicone.  It is emptied as needed.

For my last cycle, I could have gone the "Every 12 hours".  During a "buckets" cycle, perhaps every few hours.  They are easily cleaned by various methods, including an unscented baby wipe, rinse under a faucet, or even boiling. 

I have to admit, I used the Instead 12 hour "disposable" cups, years ago.  I hated them.  I liked how they worked, liked the cup concept, liked the overall experience, but they pressed horribly on my urethra, causing tremendous pain and irritation.  I always felt like I had a raging bladder infection (I didn't, I went to the doctor over this). 

I figured they were all the same.  They're not.  The positioning is completely different, I doubt I will have that issue with these. 

If I'm wrong, you can bet I will write all about it. 


Winnowing

I find it ironic. 

Today I was castigated by one of the "rainbow people".  She had the flag over her face, as her profile photo.  I was called an F-ing B. and worse, because I said people who die in sin go to hell, and I don't want that. 

Ron said, "Hell scares her". 

"It should".  Was I offended?  No, a little weary.  Sometimes evangelism is like beating my head against a brick wall, as it curses me for doing so. 

If you call me an idiot in my comments section, do you really expect me to post it?  Or was it more, "like", a private comment? 

God talked about separating the wheat from the tares, or chaff.  From Wikipedia:
Wind winnowing is an agricultural method developed by ancient cultures for separating grain from chaff. It is also used to remove weevils or other pests from stored grain. Threshing, the loosening of grain or seeds from the husks and straw, is the step in the chaff-removal process that comes before winnowing.

In its simplest form it involves throwing the mixture into the air so that the wind blows away the lighter chaff, while the heavier grains fall back down for recovery. Techniques included using a winnowing fan (a shaped basket shaken to raise the chaff) or using a tool (a winnowing fork or shovel) on a pile of harvested grain.

Winnowing, separating two disparate items.  

I believe God is winnowing humanity.  Are you going to follow God's law, God's rule?  Or are you going to follow your own desires? 

The last several years have had several tests for Christians.  Do we please the world?  Or ourselves?  Believers are having to make harder and harder choices, while living under an increased threat of actual, physical, violence.

We are truly living in the End Times.  I hope some of this will live on in your head: after the rapture, after the bots come along and delete my blog, during the Tribulation.  I hope you will remember this, and remember it is only too late when you're dead, or you have taken the mark of the beast.

But that's another blog.   

Friday, June 26, 2015

I would have been really depressed

A few weeks ago, Chobani came out with a yogurt commercial, featuring lesbians in an "intimate" relationship, and eating the yogurt, I presume.

Today, I saw the brand, drastically discounted, at Walmart, from $1 each to 71 cents.  I chose to buy other brands that did not promote "the lifestyle", even though I am very cheap.

As a born again Christian living in what I believe to be an end times world, I don't often get a vote in current events, except election day.  Then the guy I voted for sleeps with the devil, or allows a mentally ill person to live in squalor until he commits suicide... but that's another story.

I do vote with my dollar, choosing, if at all possible, to avoid companies that overtly support an unBiblical lifestyle.  I give my money to the yogurt company with the nice young black man in the grocery store, talking about [gasp] the virtues of the yogurt! 

Sigh.  I don't know what we would do at work if one of the soda companies comes out in favor of the gay agenda.  Some items, we'd have to sell, but I wouldn't like it.  I am currently in that situation with General Mills.  They have a disgusting "Wholesome family" commercial with gay men holding their surrogate baby (they sure didn't make it with each other).  I have no problem with tattoo family, or interracial one... but I was Not Happy with the unBiblical guys, especially when I realized I could not remove General Mills products from the snack machines.  Grrr.

I just pray Yum Foods stands strong (they own Frito Lay, and Pepsi).  Coca Cola, I hope, but am not hopeful.  Dr Pepper, come on, you can hold the line.

As far as I'm concerned, a food company doesn't need to get political anyway.  Alcohol, vacations, I can see.

So.  The Big Ruling today.  I expected it.  As I told Ron, if we're living in the end times, they could only have one result.  They did.

I will add here, I learned in school: Justice interprets the law.  They don't write it, that's Congress' job.
I don't care who you sleep with; they screwed up.  They went way over the line.  Had they ruled like this on any other case the media would be in an uproar.

They are, but for all the wrong reasons.  Freedom becomes tyranny; you must think what I do, support my agendas, or I will punish you.

You probably think that's my line.  It's not.

Here's my view:
God wrote the laws about sex, in the Bible, to protect us.  I learned that to my deep pain after Ron's accident.  I didn't have any legal rights because we weren't legally married.

But Heather, you should understand, then.  Oh, I do.  That's why you get a medical power of attorney.  Ron thought his "family would take care of" me.  He was wrong, they took care of themselves.  I wanted what was best for Ron, they wanted what was best for themselves, and we ended up in direct opposition as a result. 

 God says the homosexual lifestyle is wrong.  He also says rape is wrong, child molestation, and sleeping with your mother in law.  I think we would agree.   God said we should keep our contracts and not try to screw people over in our business dealings (I read the Bible through at least once a year).  Also good.  People act like God's laws are all bad, and designed to confine and oppress us.

Hardly.

I'm not going to write a whole defense of Biblical sexuality.  Plenty abound.  My job's to share my opinion, my reactions, and move on to prayer for all those who need it.

1 Thessalonians 4  

New King James Version (NKJV)
Finally then, brethren, we urge and exhort in the Lord Jesus that you should abound more and more, just as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God; for you know what commandments we gave you through the Lord Jesus.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.


So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.

Am I angry?

NO.

I am sad.  I am grieving for all the people, bound in sin, thinking they will go to heaven if they "try to be nice"

They won't.  
 (Romans 3:23New King James Version (NKJV)
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God)

How does anyone go to Heaven?  
(Isaiah 61:10
I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.)

Jesus covers me.  He's paid for my sin.

Salvation does have conditions:
For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death.

What does that mean?  Well, sit down, think about all the mistakes, all the bad things you've done.  That's your "Godly Sorrow".

Resolve not to do that, to turn from any active sins and to live a righteous (10 commandments) life.  Ask Jesus to save you.  He will.

Then go live as best you can, seeking God's will for you daily, reading your Bible every day, asking God to help you understand it.  Pray for everyone, not just your immediate friends and family.  Especially pray for the done-me-wrongs.  They are most important.  God will lead you to forgiveness.

That's how you end up in heaven.  That's how you end up raptured.

What is the rapture?  Well, the world is literally going to hell.

News flash: it is ONLY going to get WORSE.

However, before it gets "too bad" Jesus will "beam us out of here". 
For God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ,

More information on the rapture with lots of Bible verses.

So, today.  I heard about the ruling.  Wasn't surprised.  Reminded Ron we should expect if if we believe we are living in the end times.

"I would have been really depressed if they had ruled against". 

 We came home, went to Walmart.  He paid for my stuff, which I found endearing.  He's doing everything he can to show me he loves me (not that I care about the money).

I came home, put away my non-gay-agenda yogurt, ate a TV dinner and took a nap.  I was pretty tired, I had a good one.

I believe we, as a nation, are in for some kind of horrible "wrath" event.  Go to www.biblegateway.com  Type in "wrath".  See what comes up - NOTHING GOOD!

I expect some kind of imminent disaster.  I am certain.

You can say, oh, Heather, you're crazy.  What do you know?  Really?  I know what happens in the Bible when a nation turns away from God to follow it's own gods, it's own lusts.  God rains down judgement and allows Bad Things to happen.

So, for Houston, that could be anything, but probably a good idea to eat as much as possible out of that freezer!

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

I can't sell excuses

Oh, I'm tired. 

Knowing I'm depressed, I took my shower last night.  Properly medicated, I tend to have more energy and motivation in the evening. 

I find that frustrating, sometimes.  "My mood finally improved and now I have to go to bed".  However, if I take my mood stabilizers earlier in the day, I develop the IQ of a gnat.  That's a problem when I have to run a business! 

So, I took the shower, let my hair dry, and went to bed.  I slept in an hour later, causing Ron to panic.  He actually woke me up so I could take my shower, even though I told him last night. 

Or maybe I just smelled that bad. 

We went to the warehouse.  Our goal: 3 cases bottled Coke.  They did not have any.  Again.  They didn't have Sprite, either. 

Everyone was very apologetic but I can't sell excuses!  We went to work and stocked. 

Ron called the other warehouse.  They had the product.  He called Truck Guy #1, who picked us up. 

Oh, boy.  It just turned into Truck Day. 

I'd made an inventory for Ron, who assembled a list of 30-some bottled drinks.  I got that, and some snacks.  I was very impressed with the second warehouse.  No excuses, just good customer service and well-stocked shelves. 

I even found 20 pound bags of rice on clearance for $1.91.  I bought 2.  I wanted 5, settled for 2.  I will be repackaging it for longer term storage. 

I loaded the truck, unloaded, loaded the carts, got it all in the building.  Stocked everything.  Restocked the fridge with bottled drinks.  Checked and filled the change banks.  Made enough change to pay myself for a week! 

Finally, done.  Exhausted, we went outside to await our ride. We had a good ride home, late, around 4. 

When we got home I ate some leftover pizza, washing it down with a protein shake.  (Soy/whey)  I also took a spoonful of coconut oil.  It's supposed to be good for immunity and days like today are exhausting. 

Ron got a book from the state, I got something I ordered online (cost $5).  The cats are looking good and didn't seem to miss us. 

I do see a potential problem with Gravy, he kept trying to eat some rubber bands.