Friday, October 9, 2015

Yesterday was horribly long, more later

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Hard Times

I slept, horribly, again.  I have to think it's the Haldol.  I felt like I had 5 Mountain Dews (or cups of coffee).  I kept tossing and turning. 

Torbie knows I am having Hard Times so she got into bed with me.  I loved that.  I kept petting her as I'd toss and turn, she didn't mind.  I did have to move her out of Bed Central a couple times, because I couldn't roll over. 

Funny how a 12 pound cat can occupy so much square footage. 

Alarm went off, I hit snooze a few times, and got up.  My bedding is starting to smell funny so I did a load of laundry (bedding) before we left for work. 

Work wasn't too bad, about 33% sold out as opposed to 50-75%.  I had a lot of work to do on my candy, though.  We sell a candy bar for $1.  Our wholesale cost is between .60 and .65 cents, so it "should" be $1.25.  A gas station or convenience store sells them for a little under $2, for a standard size. 

They know it's a great deal, and they take advantage.  I hear horror stories of 7-day weeks, mandatory overtime for all, etc.  No wonder they're wanting the sugar. 

I helped Ron as much as I could.  I was a little hurt by one remark.  He asked for a Coke.  I had just finished stocking a row of candy so I threw the empty box in my trash and got it.  When I got over to Ron, he wasn't ready for it. 

He got rather rude, saying "Well, normally it takes you so long...."  I thought that was pretty awful to say to the person who's helping him, and I said just that.  He went on for a minute how I never help him the second he needs me, etc. 

I reminded him I have a LOT of other work to do, but if he wanted we could schedule extra time so I could follow him around and jump whenever he yelled "frog".  Otherwise, I told him, he might have to wait a minute if my hands were full, or I was helping a customer (I make a lot of change).  He eventually shut up but I was hurt. 

We had to go to the bank.  Ron does a periodic "change dump" now and then.  He counts the quarters on a machine we've modified so he can use it.  He puts the coins into buckets with screw on caps.  We put the buckets into large, zippered, tote bags. 

We went to the bank, walked in, and they didn't have the special deposit bags.  From my Facebook:

Today, insane. Some highlights, lugging 2 monster buckets of change to the bank to do a "change dump". But the bank was out of bags. "You mean" I almost wept "I have to take these ON THE BUS, TO WALMART?" They had a consultation and made a supply run, got 'er done.
After Walmart (Ron's prep stuff for colon run #2 is really free), the driver is an hour late and showed up with a MASSIVE attitude. How can you not find a Super Walmart, with a GPS, a Keymap, and a dispatcher? Needless to say we took another ride, instead.

I wished I could join Ron for a drink when we got home, did my God Time instead

So, as you can imagine, pretty awful.  I don't know - the driver was playing some kind of game.  All the drivers know the location of the Super Walmart and she was not a new driver. 

I was pretty pleased with my approach: When she pulled up she came over and said "Ronald?"  (generally people use his first name if they don't want to attempt pronunciation of the last name).  I said, "That's us, but after an hour of waiting, we got another ride.  He will be here in a minute".  She had a tantrum.  I couldn't believe it - how unprofessional! 

We were out here waiting, well before the pickup time.  We waited an hour.  We were nice when you pulled up, an hour late.  We, however, were sick of playing games. 

After that attitude, I was really glad I didn't have to entrust my safety to her. 

Ron will get a "bad point", he is allowed 5 a month, and only has today's.  Worth it, we agreed.  Our friend gave us a ride home instead, and we gave him some gas money which basically bought him dinner. 

That was an all around win.  I put some stuff together for Salvation Army.  I have concluded it is safe to say I will not be a size 12 again, so I'm giving them my box of "Mediums".   I'll just tell Ron it's "old clothes". 

I'm adjusting the Haldol so I take it in the morning.  If it wakes me up, let it. 

I just need to make my bed so I can lie in it! 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015


Tough day, with depression, but I think I managed a lot. 

  1. Got my shower
  2. Took Ron to the mall, in spite of vicious headache.
  3. Slew the headache
  4. Came home, took meds, nap.
  5. Accounting report.
  6. Housecleaning
  7. Took out trash.
  8. Loads of laundry
  9. Made Ron a double batch of split pea soup (from scratch).  He's very happy and says it helps his colon. 
  10. Put up the soup in the freezer. 
  11. Did up my meds for the week, and took the rest of the day's dose. 
Meds definitely get me to functional; not Happytown.   Doc says that's to be expected. 

Monday, October 5, 2015

"It's her pork roast".

I could just cry today. 

The pork roast turned out good.  Even Gravy wanted some.  Ron was on the toilet and heard him begging, and laughed.  The baby "Yellow Dutch" potatoes made the whole meal.  They did not get mushy. 

Things went fine at work.  All is back to normal, except for the water.  We will get our own, and to me it's truly worth the extra effort. 

We came home and I took a nap.  Biscuit laid on me and we had a good one, but I was a little stiff due to lack of movement.   Ron wanted, and ate some pork roast, then had a horribly bloody bowel movement.  Yike. 

We went to the doctor's office.  They liked my documentation.  Boy, I had a lot.  Doc was NOT impressed with either of the reports, so has scheduled Ron for a new colonscopy.  He doesn't agree with the UC diagnosis, either. 

So, God only knows.  Ron claimed it was my pork roast.  I can't help laughing every time he says that. 

Doc ordered a blood test.  Medicare may or may not pay for it.  I sure hope they do.  It wasn't cheap, but it will help them figure out what's wrong. 

Oh, I thought this was done with.  When I got home and sat down, I just wanted to cry.  Loving someone really puts your nuts in a vice. 

When I got home, my neighbor appeared to have installed a new gate.  I'm not 100% certain though, I try not to be the nosy neighbor.  At any rate, if they did work it happened while I was gone.  I also noticed someone fixed our back fence, I had about 8 feet that had totally rotted out.  I put some plywood against it years ago but that was it.  Anyway, someone went at it from the back side (not my yard) and made a nice wood fence.  Now I actually have a fairly secure backyard. 

I don't know whether is was the people behind me, on the left.  They are also behind #6, who just replace his back fence, and most of theirs.    Maybe they disliked the rotted out section so much they just had it done, everything else was pristine.  It appears that way. 

Or, knowing I get bitey when people come in my yard, they may have gone through his fence and done it from the back, not entering my yard. 

At any rate, some nice people fixed my fence while I was with Ron at the digestive diseases doctor. 

Even nicer, when I went to get the mail a neighbor up the street, and across, met me at the mailbox and made a point of thanking us for being "So quiet, I never hear a peep out of you".  

"That's the idea!" I replied with a grin.  "I hate party animals!"

"You got that right," she said, looking at #6 "Animals".  I snickered. 

I didn't mention I was the cat lady.  I figured if she didn't know, I wouldn't tell. 

[sigh]  Anyway, the headache's finally gone.  I need to be better about handing Ron over to God. 

I just wish this were OVER. 

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Can and will be used against you

I slept OK, but woke up horribly depressed. 

I managed my God Time, but not my shower.  I used the bath wipes (they are designed for home care). 

Ron, I could tell, had been battling colitis issues.  He was having a lot of symptoms.  We're not sure if it's the BBQ, raw cucumber salad, or the potatoes, but some combination launched an epic flare.  Poor baby. 

I decided, in the interest of "keeping the peace" I will "apologize" on Monday.  Something along the lines of "I'm sorry if you felt attacked, that wasn't my intent".  Even though I am deeply frustrated and nearly certain he set it up to inconvenience me, even though he was very alarming in his behavior after he lost his temper, I'll do it in the interest of "keeping peace".  He said he had "told" the other vendor, so I may have to deal with him too. 

I can't tell you how much it pissed me off, when Ron did the "Oh, you know Heather, she can't help herself" routine.  How about "Why were you cursing my wife in front of a roomful of people?  No, I don't care what you think she did.  You don't do that."  This, I'm convinced, is one reason so many hide their illness.  They know it can and will be used against them in the court of public opinion. 

In that court, no matter what happens, it is always the crazy person's fault.  I have occasionally, bitterly, wondered if Ron would blame me if I were raped.  "Oh, well, I'm sure she was acting provocatively, you know those bipolar girls." 

That's really sad to type.  I feel he should always have my back, or at the very least listen to my side of things before throwing me under the bus, blaming me for things that are NOT my fault, and blaming me for other people's "psycho" behavior. 

I don't care what people do, nothing they do ought to "make" you go off to the point you are literally chasing them around the workplace, cursing them, shouting at them, etc.  But, I'm the bad guy because I admit I have mental illness. 

It's not the first landmine I've thrown myself over, to save the business. 

That's how I've been running today.  We did go to Walmart.  Doc's assistant wrote prescriptions for ONE month refills, not three.  That's aggravating, and far more expensive.  Instead of $130 for three, it was $70 for one. 

Now, if money's that tight, it's that tight.  I remember a couple years ago his helper wrote anxiety pills, diabetes medication (I guess because I am overweight, I just look diabetic), and sleeping pills.  When they called to tell me I said "I don't even want to see that crap".  Although I might have wanted Metformin. 

It will be useful when we go to Austin.  I can just bring the bottles.  All of them.  The many many bottles.  Boy, I don't feel crazy until I get a look at all that medication. 

5 bottles of crazy, one nausea medication for migraines (it turns down the volume without making me freak out like other things), the ginger root (for nausea prevention), some kind of OTC pain reliever (I chose Naproxen), etc.  It's wearying.  I'm glad I do my medication up once a week.  Pills of the week work best for me. 

I figured out the antidepressant is the expensive one, at least in the one-month.  $40.  The other stuff was nothing. 

Ron got his bill from the hospital, for the ER visit.  It was about $250.  The entire bill was about 13 THOUSAND, but after "adjustments" Medicare paid about $700.  Ron now owes the balance, but that's not bad, considering. 

I really need to look for better insurance.  We went cheap, a mistake if I get really sick. 

So, we went to Walmart.  I bought a rice pot with a steamer attachment.  That might prove interesting.  I dug out my old crockpot. 

I bought dry rub - I hope "seasoning blend" is the same thing.  I have a nice pork roast already.  I got the baby potatoes.  Yum.  Ron won't get the potatoes but he can enjoy the meat. 

To my way of thinking, a person with colitis should be focusing on antioxidants and protein, anyway.  I know I don't get enough protein so I am focusing on that. 

When I eat a lot of protein, my snacking decreases. 

I'll remind you I'm in the snack foods business.  That could get ugly when I'm stressed and hungry. 

I plan to make a pork roast tonight/tomorrow.  I plan to layer some baby potatoes in the bottom of the crock.  I may or may not cook some rice "in addition". 

To do that, I'm going to have to organize my counter (again) and organize the fridge (again).  I plan to use a very simple recipe for the roast.   If it's good, I'll share. 

Next on my cooking list, a squash soup.  I can always use more vitamin A and a huge chunk of Vietnamese "Pumpkin" was only a dollar.  It's cooked in coconut milk with some chicken broth. 

Oh, and I have to organize the front room, again.  It is overtaking everything. 

I set up all the stuff for Ron's doctor visit tomorrow, pathology report, endoscopy report, 3 page medical history, delicious chocolatey "Copay".  Fun sized candy bars are always welcome at the medical facility.  Always. 

Unless, I suppose, it were a weight loss clinic. 

Edit, I talked to Ron.  "I really need to feel you have my back".  He said not to worry, he would handle everything. 

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Truck day, glorious weather

It got down in the 50's last night, so I threw an extra couple blankets on the bed.  One cotton bedspread, 3 fleece blankets, one wool blanket (in between the other layers).  I was very comfortable. 

I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked, or as long, but I didn't have nightmares. 

I decided to try my porridge.  I bought it yesterday.  It is a mixture of ground beans and grains.  It is faintly sweet.  However, it was very runny at the directed amount of water.  I'll try it again tomorrow at half the suggested water. 

It wasn't bad, though, just different. 

I ate an energy bar to be sure, and took my medication. 

We went to the warehouse, and got a LOT of merchandise.  Ron called, at one point, while I was pushing the fully laden hand cart, by body at a 45 degree angle.  He wanted to know why I was panting, when I answered.  "I was pushing" I choked.  "Oh". 

I had not one, but two, nice young men help me load.  Ron had a colitis attack as we got to work, so he was out of the picture for a while.  I unloaded what I could, checked on Ron, and brought him out to help push the drinks to the tailgate, so I can remove them. 

That's "our deal". 

He had another colitis attack.  I don't think potatoes are on the good list.  We'll let Doc tell him that, Monday. 

I got everything into the building, and began stocking.  Ron didn't need much help today.  We got it all done just in time. 

We had a good ride home, and took a  nap.  #6 made some noise but not a tremendous amount.  I still slept. 

The weather here is glorious, low 80's/upper 70's, sunny and breezy.  This is why people spend so much money to live in CA and Hawaii. 

We're going out to dinner, imminently.  If anything interesting occurs I will update. 

Friday, October 2, 2015

Under the bus.

Pretty upset today.  I feel Ron threw me under the bus (betrayed me when I needed his support). 

What happened?  Well, first I have to explain the stockroom.  I was "given" about 10% of the available space.  I have 34 square feet in which to stock 9 vending machines.  I have a corner in the front (the other guy wanted the pilferers to go after my merchandise, as he blocks his with carts and supplies). 

Our boss had to fight for me to get 2 racks.  I was "lucky" to get the space I had, but needless to say it is very crowded.  I have two, 6 foot high metal racks, 18 inches deep, with shelving.  I have a row of milk crates along the other wall, about 6 feet, stacked with canned soda.  I have two, rolling handcarts that can hold additional merchandise, and I have just enough room (if I set the handcarts over the base) for an additional folding handcart. 

The other vendors do not use their space effectively, things are spread out all over, poor use of vertical space, soda NOT on milk crates (that's a health law thing).  They also spill soda frequently and track it, leaving nasty black adhesive slime everywhere.  We have had complaints - frequent ones, about this. 

A few years ago I got in trouble with the other vendor because (after repeated requests and notifications of management complaints), I reported this to the boss.  The did clean up, a little, but it went right back to business as usual. 

I keep MY area clean, so I don't care what they do with theirs.  But it does make me look bad.  I have explained, repeatedly, to angry customers who've seen the door open.  "That's not my mess, it's theirs, they won't mop." 

Anyway, the other vendor has 4 employees: his wife, his brother (the person of interest in this story), his nephew (a very nice young man), and his stepgrandson. 

You will remember last month, the brother was the one telling me I was "stupid, for not getting Ron better insurance" when I thought he had cancer.  I just looked at him and said "How is that going to help me?" 

Fred, we'll call him, has a lot to say over the years about his lazy, unreliable, son.  He doesn't work.  He is not disabled, but claims he has extraordinary back issues.  He also has frequent other health issues.  So, he's lazy, unrelable, and sickly.  Oh, and he's been fired from every job he had.  Per his father. 

Fred's solution when it looked like Ron had cancer and I would have to run the business by myself?  Oh, I HAD to hire Fred, Jr.  He would be such a big help.  He kept shilling his son (who, at over 30, should be able to find his own employment), in a frenzied fashion. 

So, you want to inflict an unreliable, sickly, lazy - in your own words, kid onto me, just to get him off the teat for a couple of days?  He would ruin my business, but clearly you don't care about that. 

I finally told him, no thanks.  We would not be hiring Junior.  "Why not?"   I just said I would be able to manage the business on my own.  I wasn't worried about assistance, I was just worried about transportation. 

This when he wasn't lecturing me about health insurance and calling me names on top of that. 

Ron came to an arrangement with the other vendor.  We would buy 10 cases of water, a week, from them.  It was a very good deal for the other vendor.  Their wholesaler requires a 50 case minimum.  We just dropped it to 40.  They require a minimum order total.  We just dropped that by nearly $100.  It's all good, for them. 

Ron likes it because he doesn't feel he's "abusing" me by "making" me get water at the warehouse.  The other vendor kept harping on that - Ron was abusing me by "making" me get water at the warehouse.   However, I have had ongoing issues with the water.  They put it on the very top shelf, 6 feet up.  These are 40 pound cases.  There is NO safe way to get these cases down. 

They have also shorted me a couple times, but I didn't mention that to Ron. 

Anyway, I have begged and pleaded and requested and cajoled and everything nice to say "Please don't put the water on the top shelf". 

I told them (2 guys) on Wednesday.  I said, "Please put it here, and the leftovers on a table."  I told both guys we will be working on Friday, please leave the water on a table.  I said this several times. 

I slept horribly last night and awoke with a migraine.  Imagine how I felt when I got into work and found all the water on the top shelf. 

"Why didn't you put it on the table?" 

"You didn't tell us"

"Yes, I did, Wednesday, I have a migraine and now I have to rearrange everything [no joke] to get this fixed.  Why couldn't you leave it on the table?  I've begged you, please don't put it on the top shelf!"  I was almost in tears. 

I'm sure I sounded frustrated, as only someone who said 6 different times, to two different people: please don't do this - only to find it done. 

Then the guy told me "As long as you're getting our water, we're going to put it wherever we want". 

"Fine" I replied "I'll get it at Sam's Club."  I'm doing them a favor, I can certainly stop, and I won't have this stupid endless drama either. 

The other vendor's wife is pretty upset about this, by the way, but she needs to learn to control her animals.  I'm not going to have some creep screaming at me - and he went off, shouting how "He wasn't going to take it from me" blah, blah. 

"I think" I told someone who overheard "He has some issues at home, did this on purpose, because he knew I would complain, then he gets a free explosion."  Now he can stomp around, sulk, pout, scream verbal abuse at me (because Ron's not going to stop him), because he can.  What he really needs to do is throw his loser kid out. 

This guy actually followed me around, while I was stocking, screaming at me in front of a roomful of postal workers.  Talk about unprofessional.  I just did my work. 

At one point he was shouting it was my fault, if I'd had more room - and I turned around and said "Your brother took nearly the entire stockroom.  If you have problems with the amount of space I have, you need to take it to him." 

He followed me over to Ron, screaming.  Ron tried to shut him up, just because Ron hates yelling.  The guy kept screaming at both of us.  Again, in front of an entire roomful of people. 

Oh, and he made very rude attacks on my illness.  I didn't rise to the bait. 

I could have said "Well, at least I take my medication".  If I wasn't saved, I would have. 

Ron blames me entirely.  It is All My Fault.  If I hadn't - provoked this guy - then he wouldn't have gone off.  I tried to explain, I did everything I could to communicate, short of tattooing it on his hand.  He said "OK." and "I got it".  He repeated it back to me.  "I'll put the water on the table". 

What else could I do? 

I had some very understandable impatience but I never yelled at him.  I left the scene when he started shouting at me.  I did everything I could to avoid confrontation even though the guy was literally hunting me. 

He was the one following me around.  He made personal attacks, I didn't.  I did everything I could to avoid this, by communicating every way I know on Wednesday. 

That's why I have to think he did this to set me up and play games.  I know he heard me say to leave it on the table, I know he heard me say we'd be working Friday.  He knows, at 5'7, I can't get the water off the top shelf. 

"No one's that stupid" I told Ron, in one of his rare moments of calm.   

However, Ron thinks I just "went off" and "trying to ruin his business".  I told him I am sick to death of playing these water games.  I would far rather buy our own water at the warehouse, as needed, and store it where I want. 

Ron doesn't feel that way.  He's furious at me, screamed at me in front of Fred, which I really didn't like (not to mention the roomful of Postal Workers), screamed at me at home, etc.  Some of that goes to head injury. 

I'm just really hurt he didn't even try to hear my side. 

Anyway, the other vendor's wife came by after Fred finally left.  I explained what had happened, and reiterated, in a pleading fashion "I cannot have water on the top shelf".  I told her we would be getting it from Sam's now. 

She wasn't happy about that - now she has to buy +$100 and +10 cases every week - but like I said, control your animal.  The guy isn't stable - makes me look like Ghandi. 

"None of them had a problem with the way I presented the issue" I told Ron "It was just the one man". 

For whatever reason, they decided they had to mop the stockroom RIGHT THEN.  I found it hysterical.  Maybe they are calling the boss to come out and know he will yell at them.  Maybe they think I will call the boss about it. 

Hey, if you want to be a pig it only makes you look bad.  I just thought it was very odd, mopping the floor - they hadn't spilled anything.  Yes, it was filthy, but just as filthy as usual. 

Whatever.  I am SO glad they are not giving us a ride to that conference, anyway. 

We came home, I took a nap. 

When I got up, I went to the Vietnamese Grocery store.  The rice pots were extremely expensive.  I'm sure they're wonderful but that is just too much.  I did find some great deals on fresh, local, veggies.  I bought enough for a week's worth of stir-fry, salads, and some stew, for $9.  I also got a pork roast.  I haven't cooked a roast in ages. 

I had fun, it was a little heavy coming home but not overly so.  I'll tell you more about my goodies tomorrow. 

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Crazy Sucks

I don't like to complain.  Venting is one thing, whining another. 

I go up and down.  I get paranoid.  Things really piss me off.  But I don't talk much about the psychotic features. 

I can get delusional.  For a while, I was utterly convinced someone's daughter was actually mine - the person didn't live in Texas - I never revealed any of that.  I just gritted my teeth, reminding myself the person didn't look at all like me, and I had never been pregnant.  Even then, I had a hell of a time.  I should have talked to Doc about that but I forget if I was seeing him at the time. 

The invisible bugs are my other, more popular, feature.  This one always freaks out Doc's assistants.  They get profoundly upset and disturbed, and they aren't even living it.  Basically, I feel like I am covered in small, jumping, flying roaches.  They crawl over my skin constantly.  It comes and goes. 

Lately, they've been pretty bad.  Bad enough I took an extra Haldol (don't try this at home) one night.  I probably should have called the emergency line and gotten permission.  But, like Doc said today "40's the upper limit.  2 mg is nothing." 

Anyway, I went back to my "as directed" 1 mg because I'm seeing doc today.  Bugs came back.  Sucked.   Crazy sucks.  No whining. 

This morning I saw the hurricane is headed towards my adoptive aunt's house.  I sent Mom (adoptive) an text and she called.  No, auntie is out of town.  And has a basement.  That could be bad.  We chatted until my ride arrived. 

We had a very long, bouncy, ride to Doc's.  I noted it appears to be a 2 bus trip.  Doc says he doesn't mind if I leave Ron home next time. 

It was interesting.  Most of the time, people are very quiet and behaved in the psychiatrist's office.  Today, a teenage girl in a clear manic crisis arrived.  She was in bad shape, very restless.  I felt bad for her, and more for her mother, who was clearly worn out. 

I think it's a lot easier to be the crazy person, than to love them. 

We were called in by a new assistant, who did the visit.  I told him about the bugs and he got a little odd.  He was really freaked out when I told him I was "A little manic".  As I told him, and doc, later, once I take these (brandishing the afternoon meds in their little bottle) that will resolve.  Doc agreed but the guy was just very stiff and awkward. 

I don't even see myself as a difficult case, but maybe it's the first time he had a manic, hallucinating, patient. 

Ron's been cool.  He just makes jokes about bug spray, or terminex.  I found the jokes very funny. 

Doc came in (he was talking to the teenager in crisis) and agreed to raise my Haldol.  We agreed everything else is fine.  Doc didn't find my (very low grade) mania alarming (I crashed into depressed after we left) and agreed I am very stable. 

So, we left, met my aunt, did lunch.  I had a brunch burger at Applebees.  I haven't found a lot I like, on their menu, but I did like that.  More important, the lithium & friends liked it too. 

My food has to agree with my medication, then taste good, then provide nutrition, in that order.  I can't eat a lot of things I used to love because I just get so queasy!  And this is taking ginger root with every dose! 

Enough whining, I said I wouldn't do that. 

My aunt took us home, praise God.  We took a nap (Ron and I, I don't know what my aunt did after she left). 

We work tomorrow, a moderately long day, but not too bad.  We agreed we can't "leave the machines" two days in a row, unless we have an emergency, at least not until after Christmas.  I don't mind.  I'd rather work a shorter day every day, than have a long frenzied stocking day. 

We work Saturday, too, but I don't mind.  I like working Saturdays. 

I guess I am "crazy".  :p