Tuesday, May 26, 2015


Well, I admit it. 

I was going to flake on my God Time today. 

However, I checked my email.  "Anonymous" made a very large donation to the Handouts.  VERY large.  Like, larger than my mortgage large. 


Well, if I'm going to represent I'd better do just that.  Of course I had to take a cruise past Lifeway's Bible Sale room - and they have some awesome Bibles on sale.  The transfer processes tomorrow; and I will be smoking that debit card like a hot link. 

I'm trying to wrap my poor medicated brain around $3.50 per Bible, plus shipping, into donation equals how many Bibles? 


I'm pretty sure you read here, and thank you! 


Big Evil

 Storm damage
Unfortunately, Gravy melted. 

We had a big storm system.  We knew about this for days. 

Years ago, before Tropical Storm Allison, I told Ron, "It looks like a dull, boring, evil".  We have a unique method of communication.  You should hear us in person, speaking our patois. 

Anyway, as it turns out Allison was the harbinger of a 500 year flood.  It was epic.  We had to walk out of work, over 12 miles, along the overpasses.  Long, long, walk.  I learned a little about prepping for disaster in that day. 

So, "evil" is a multi use word; one definition: Bad storm. 

I told Ron "Big Evil is almost here" when we went to bed.  Sure enough, it started a while later. 

If you ask Ron about the storm, he'll complain about #2's car alarm, kept going off.  We also had pretty gusty winds.  Pretty safe bet, I've found, over 50 mph winds will blow open the cat door inside the house.  I had that. 

It was the usual, big, bad-ass thunderstorm.  However, it stuck around, pouring, for hours.  Houston had pretty significant flooding. 

We did not, as I've shown.  Except for poor melted Gravy. 

Now, the next day Ron called paratransit.  Open for business, ride coming about 6:30.  Yes, things were bad but we basically were going from NW to NE, not through the bad spots. 

We went to work, stocked. 

No ride home.  Ron called, the company had cancelled all rides, including ours, leaving us effectively stranded.   Not Happy, either of us. 

Now, worst case, when "it" hits the fan, I would walk home, pushing Ron in the wheelchair.  But traffic was still present, and it was completely unsafe. 

Besides, it helps to have a tool in your box, so to speak.  We called a cab, paid for ourselves, and it arrived in 4 minutes.  A wheelchair cab, even. 

So, other than being completely stranded at work by the paratransit company, it was a good day. 

Monday, May 25, 2015

Good for me

Ron, I've begged him, "Please don't say 'the dog has been so quiet lately'."  Whenever you do that, she barks all night long. 

Sure enough, he went there, and she did. 

It wasn't a total loss, I mean, I had the headache anyway, which morphed into "the migraine".  So, if I had to be sleep deprived AND migraine this week, I got it all over with today.  I believe it's the weather front we have inbound. 

We had to go to the warehouse.  Then we went to work.  I bought some snack products. 

I am working on becoming a better listener.  I think I am, because one of the employees talked to me for 20 minutes, about his dog.  I'm not really a fan of dogs but I listened anyway. 

"What was I going to do, read my Kindle?"  It's kind of an iffy neighborhood, I wouldn't want to let my guard down and get robbed.  I'm very fond of my (base model) Kindle. 

We got to work, things had been somewhat busy.  I helped Ron first, then did my work.  I may restructure that way.  Ron was a lot happier, and he didn't "bother" me while I was doing snacks.  I had time to do ALMOST everything. 

People have been bugging us for juice drinks.  We don't have room in the stockroom, or in the fridge.  We carry, Ron told me, 15 different drinks already.  I refer them to the other vendor. 

It wasn't much fun working with the headache but it did dial down after I got a BC powder.  Ron keeps some in his fannypack for me.  They are more compact than tablets. 

We did nearly everything, but we're going back tomorrow.  I at least put some food out, and got all the drinks done. 

We came home.  I was worried the neighbors might make racket - but they were leaving on an outing.  I had a good, 3 hour nap (remember I didn't sleep last night). 

I may get a package today.  If so it should arrive around now, but it is a holiday.  Oddly enough, I did get my shampoo caps from Amazon yesterday. 

A Sunday.  I guess I'm in the 7 day delivery area. 

The shampoo caps are great if I oversleep and need to "wash" my hair.  They apparently get the hair very nice in just a few minutes.  I'll let you know when I use them. 

[sigh]  Still getting over my virus, still tired, still depressed, still here. 

The cats are great, though.  I just saw Biscuit running down the hall, his tail held high like a flag.  Baby Girl is taking advantage of her injury to steal my chair.  Torbie took a nap with me and Gravy was just stalking a toy.  I cleaned the boxes, Ron fed them, and I changed their water bowl. 

Life is good, for them, and that means it's good for me. 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

I must be over my virus

Depression's back. 

I must be over my virus.  :p  Too bad I can't lick The Illness as easily, but bipolar's for life. 

Anyway, a rough start to last night.  Some things I won't reveal. 

I did get my sleep, however a big storm system rolled in around 6:30 this morning.  We lost power for about 20 minutes, not a big deal. 

I think you're figured by now I try to plan for worst-case, and deal with it.  I did that.  I have a nifty flashlight I can strap to my head.  The dork factor is incredible, but it works great. 

I couldn't get back to sleep.  I was pretty depressed, so I did my God Time, watched some TV, internet.  I tried to take a nap.  That didn't work too well due to various neighbor "rackets".  I think the guy next door would be horrified if he knew how much I heard through my bedroom wall, but there's no way to tell him without looking like a whiner. 

The guy down the street was playing loud Mexican music.  Funny, the guys I know are veterans didn't make any noise at all. 

I did my best to ignore it.  I'm pretty depressed, pretty fatigued (pretty standard!), but trying to stay busy. 

Ron ordered a book on addiction.  He told me he's found it very interesting, the case study is basically describing his entire childhood.  I hope he finds it a useful tool. 

I have to step back, pray, NOT enable, and let Ron find whatever path God has for him.  The sad thing with addiction, much like my illness, it's never gone.  One can go into remission for a while, but it's waiting to roar back. 

I'm sure not going to interrupt him, reading it. 

Other than that, I had some good time with the cats, cleaned up the front room a bit, working on the bedroom, laundry. 

I wish I could have spent the whole weekend in bed but it didn't work out that way.  However, tomorrow is not a long day, at work. 

Saturday, May 23, 2015

"Just tell me and I'll stop"

So, Ron's friend once made advances to me when we were alone in the car. 

Ron thought it was "cool" that the man thought I was "hot", and at a later point, said "I wouldn't mind if Heather had sex with you, as long as I got to watch."  How's that for a good Christian witness?  How's that for making me look like a whore?  Never ever ever in a million years.  

I'm not in the least attracted to him.  It's not a physical thing either. 

I am not a cheater.  

Anyway, he has referred to Ron as "A major alcoholic".  A couple months ago, Ron called him, whining he was tired of using paratransit. 

Now, the devil wants Ron drinking.  He usually has "fantastic" turn-around trips where he barely has time to pay for the alcohol before his ride home.  That wasn't good enough.  He wanted a driver. 

So, he pays this guy to drive him to the liquor store.  He calls the liquor store and they "hold" his stuff.  I don't know how he pays because I don't come along. 

Once, once, this guy tricked me into coming along, Ron said the other guy would go in and pay.  Then we got there and the guy told me to go.  Got a real attitude too.  I don't get in the vehicle if they are going, anymore.  Fool me once. 

This is a man who knows Ron has blackouts, is abusive, when he drinks.  If I don't want to help him drink I probably have a very good reason, and that's what I say to the drivers. 

"Why don't you help him buy alcohol?"
"I must have a very good reason." 

No one has ever asked for details.  About this time Ron shows up and has hysterics when he finds we are discussing his drinking habits.   He tries to do damage control; not understanding - I don't talk about it in person, but I do online. 

He talks about getting online.  I wonder what he would think if he read some of these posts on drinking. 

Anyway.  When the man agreed to help Ron, he said "Now, if he has a blackout, just let me know". 

What a game.  You know he's going to have a blackout, especially when you see he's lugging a GALLON of 80 proof at a time.  What the hell kind of game is that? 

What's next, he comes over and helps me pour it out?  Then I cry all over his shoulder, he puts his arm around me, and...

HELL no. 

He called today while Ron was shouting.  I answered the phone and said, calmly "This is a bad time".  Ron shouted something.  "Do you want to talk to him?"  No?  I related that, said goodbye, and hung up. 

Ugh.  I hate games almost as much as I hate alcohol. 

Surely, he has figured out Ron was having a blackout. 

Sad and Tired

"Why is the floor wet?" 

You peed on it. 

"Why were you mad?" 

You can trash any room in the house during your blackouts.  Any room.  The kitchen.  The front room (boy he got both), the laundry room, the computer room (I found him trying to urinate in my CPU this morning), your room, the bathroom.... any room in the house. 

But mine is off limits.   Stay out of my room. 

He didn't, but I managed to stop him in time. 

What I don't get is the falling down on the tampons, crushing them, throwing them all over like confetti... what's the deal?  Because they go "down there?"  [shaking head] 

Yes, I started my cycle.  I need to keep them in the bathroom so I can use them. 

Apparently that's a problem for him. 

It's ironic.  When I saw the guy across the street was having a party, I worried he might "make noise".  No, HE didn't, but Ron sure did, falling, cursing, banging around.  If we lived in an apartment he would be evicted for disturbing the neighbors. 

As it is, it's a miracle #2 didn't shoot him when Ron went over there every night, banging on the doorbell, shouting about their barking dog -which of course fed the dog's energy into yet more barking. 

Yes, every night.  For months. 

I don't know what I would have done. 

What I do know, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, half naked, verbally abusing me.  I believe he feels I am "judging" him.  He asked me if I thought I was a POS, when I said no he gave me an extensive lecture/tirade.  I finally put my headphones on. 

Apparently, the correct answer was "Yes, I am a POS".  I'm not.  I'm a child of God, He died for me.  I have value and worth. 

Do I think I'm better than anyone?  No. 

Am I judging him?  No. 

I am profoundly sad, and tired. 

Friday, May 22, 2015

I wish every girl...

I never figured it out until years later. 

I was 8.  One my my new female friends seemed very sexually precocious.  We discussed it constantly, but I was pretty clueless outside of the mechanics.  She was the one who told me "It hurt". 

I went home and asked my (adoptive) Mom, who confirmed the fact, and then asked where I'd heard it.  When I told her, she got a pensive look.  We had a few sleepovers, on my end, and hers. 

She was, overall, the kind of kid you don't want around your own child.  She talked me into breaking rules, and got me in trouble on more than one occasion.  

The most memorable incident, we were walking to my house.  "The Garden Lady"'s yard was in full bloom.  She had a huge showplace that must have been a full time job. 

"Jenny" talked me into entering her yard (strictly forbidden by my parents - entering any neighbor's yard without permission), and picking some flowers "For your Mom". 

Mom immediately recognized the flowers and read me the riot act.  She chased Jenny off, and I got a spanking while she was still within earshot. 

Jenny, was on probation (not her real name and no relation to my character name in Broken). 

After my punishment ended, Jenny invited me over.  She was strangely invested in it, almost frantic. 

She had two twin beds, but insisted I sleep on the floor, "Right by the doorway" her voice high and tearful. 

I was a pretty compliant kid, I set up on the floor as directed.  She didn't want to talk, and I fell asleep after a busy day. 

A few hours later, I was awakened by the door swinging open and hitting my sleeping bag, then a large foot prodding my form as I lay in the doorway.  "Who the hell are you?" a loud male voice enquired. 

It was about 11 PM.

I explained I was Heather, Jenny's friend, and we were having a sleepover? 

"I didn't give permission for that!" he bellowed.  He demanded my phone number and called my parents, who picked me up. 

"I don't ever want her here again" he shouted, as Mom loaded me into the car. 

When I got home, Mom sat me down at the kitchen table and asked some very careful questions.  As the details spilled out, she became more concerned.  No, he had never touched me, except with his foot a little while ago.  Yes, she knew a lot about sex.  She was the one who said it hurt....

Was there anything else? 

One of the older siblings walked through the kitchen, after a glass of milk.  "Oh, Jenny.  She's the one who gave you the lice, right?" 

"She doesn't have lice!" I replied indignantly "She has crabs!"

Mom almost fell out of her chair.  "Do you know what that is?" 

No, but she told me she had them.  

No, she didn't tell me who gave them to her. 

Yes, she's afraid of her Dad.  She almost cried when she made me sleep on the floor. 

I don't know what happened, but Jenny ended up in foster care. 

See, that's what a Mom does when a child is exposed to a predator, they stop it immediately.  Had Mom gone into denial mode I probably would have been molested, too. 

I won't talk about recent cases; just say I got that, with all my screwed up childhood drama.  I knew she would protect me from sexual predators. 

I wish every girl had that confidence. 

Magic spit

Ron has been dying for a Carl's Junior breakfast.  I didn't have much appetite, and ate half a hamburger, glad I'd found my 12-hour "mucus relief" pills.  I can get a little congested without them at present. 

He got his loaded burrito and his own drink (pretty stupid to share with me sick).  He also ate what I believe was a large order of tater tots.  He groaned with joy as he finished, and collapsed into a happy carb coma when he got home. 


We had to go to work.  We had to at least do an inventory.  I was "pretty sure" we had "everything" but they don't want to hear it when you're out of their drink!

Did I want to go?  No.  I still feel exhausted and mildly feverish.  The last thing I wanted to do was work. 

Happily, I do not have a headache.  Still "just" the fatigue, dry cough, mild fever, and congestion (moderate).  I also have anorexia - no appetite, which is typical when I am "pretty sick". 

Focusing on the positive: no headache, no abdominal pain, no nausea or vomiting.  I usually get multiples of that when I'm really sick.  I don't have a runny nose, either, and even the sore throat is gone.  

Last night, Ron bought me 2 large pizzas on special.  He ate a couple slices of the bacon cheeseburger pizza.  I can eat a slice or two, enjoy it, with medication, and get a fairly decent amount of protein.   He tries to take care of me when he can. 

I thought about getting a shake, which did look good, but reminded myself sugar impedes the immune system.  If I want to get better, I need to avoid sugar. 

I may have a little ice cream later.  Making sure I have a small portion. 

Ugh.  I just have a general lousy feeling. 

My mood is OK considering.  It always is, when I'm sick. 

So, we came home from Carl's.  I did my God Time.  I had woken up "on time" and apologized to God, reminding Him I'm sick, and back to sleep until Shower Time. 

I was happy to get my quality time in there. 

Torbie and Biscuit have been my faithful companions in all of this (Biscuit is the "grayer" one of the boys), sleeping with me whenever I lie down. 

I didn't sleep. 

We went to work.  It was a little busy, enough to relieve me, but not so busy I couldn't stock.  I had time to help Ron, do the inventory, and use my first aid kit on someone else.  That's why I keep it. 

We realized we don't "really" need anything tomorrow, so I got the day off.  Yippie. 

We came home, I ate some pizza, took my meds, and went to bed.  Biscuit joined me some time later.  I guess Torbie was "busy".  She did make a production out of showing up right when I got up. 

I think it is nice for her that Biscuit takes up some of the load.  I like having a cat nearby when I sleep, work on the computer.  They don't have to get in my lap or follow me around, but I like having them around.  They are happy to oblige. 

Baby Girl, and Gravy, are bonded to Daddy.  Baby Girl's tail is looking a lot better, and I noticed she spent a lot of time grooming the injured area.  Good.  Cats have magic spit - it can heal anything. 

She has been stealing my TV chair, and since she's sick, I'll let her.  I can sit in my folding chair and watch.  I don't mind.  I am honored she wants to sit in a place that smells like me.  She doesn't have to do that.  She could sleep anywhere.  She has 2 kitty condos, two loveseats, two beds, a window seat, the garage.. but she picked MY chair. 

I am touched.