Ron did some more crying last night and I didn't sleep great. Headache off and on today, good thing I have plenty of headache pills.
I was thinking how I do "the thing" when I am either depressed (today) or manic. I fixate on one thing and it is The Source Of All Evil in my life. Some contenders have been the man who ran over Ron, #6, etc.
This comes as no surprise to you but I do catch myself doing it more often. I figure I will probably die about the time I figure out my own brain but I do try. Ron is asleep right now.
My parents were doing a grocery pickup today, they told me last night. They were excited to get out of the house but no contact of course. Dad is at super high risk, she is too.
You may know Dad is a type 2 diabetic, and has heart trouble, that is well known. But she has lung damage from likely parrot fever she caught from a sick parakeet we got when I was 8. So both are at very high risk. I am glad they are being careful, and very glad my "minimalist" parents are getting food.
I think a lot of people have learned to have some backup groceries on hand.
Eventually I think I would like a small chest freezer but that can wait.
Well, Ron just got ugly screaming at me he wanted a sausage sandwich. I said we didn't have anything like that but I could whip something up. He took one bite and said that wasn't what he wanted, to fix him a sausage sandwich. It didn't go well after that.
I said some things I probably shouldn't have but I don't regret saying it. One thing I will relate I asked him to name one person whose life was better because he was in it, he couldn't. Not sorry I brought that up. I said his parents made him a monster because they gave him everything he wanted and taught him he was God's gift to the world, that everyone was so honored to know him.
He wants to know 1. "Why I am being so weird" (not kissing his ass) 2. I told him his opinion had to matter for me to care, and it didn't. Why would I value the opinion of someone who reeks, and pisses on the floor like a dog? 3. I told him if I was "weird" it was related to him keeping me up all night, and if he wanted a "normal" Heather I had better get my sleep every night. I also told him the next time he woke me up at night I would take his flash drive.
How sad is it I have to demand he let me sleep at night. Even a newborn has better manners. At least a newborn only cries when it is hungry or needs a diaper.
I asked him why it was so many women who lived with him attempted to kill him (at least 2 before me, one several times but he was beating that one). He didn't have an answer for that one. Just started yelling, but I did ask him what it is about his behavior toward women that makes them hate him at the end?
I think that is a very good question.
27 comments:
Tomorrow you will be back to making excuses for his urinating on the floor, waking you up in the middle of the night, etc. It is like the woman who cried the sky is falling. After a while we just know it is going to be the same old song and dance with you and him. Very sad.
He is thinking about my last question.
Way to ignore the points made by Anonymous. Does it matter if he is thinking about your question? The man lies ALL the time. Recent example when he said he wanted to be a vegetarian and not even 24 hours later changed his mind. You can't trust a liar. Same reason he will never save money to have his room fixed properly. He is a liar. Same as he said he would pay your dad back for the repipe and then didn't. He is a liar.
He said he wanted to be vegetarian but you got him chicken strips from the deli lol
His thing was why was I expressing displeasure. I said it is not fun taking care of him, especially when I can't sleep. I told him maybe that is the only way for him to "get" it, if I am "mean" every time he keeps me up all night.
Then I asked why everyone wanted to kill him and got him thinking about that.
He said I wasn't being "Normal" and I said I was plenty sweet when we met, but 28 years of putting up with his crap had taken it's toll.
His behavior always upsets me, some days I am better able to deal with it than others.
Still ignoring everything. He will never change. You have to change
He had changed his mind by then. :D
I don't believe my only solution is booting Ron out of my life.
The Source Of All Evil in your life is you.
Want better outcomes? Make better choices.
There are plenty of services in Houston to help both you and Ron live happier, healthier lives. I know because I have researched them and spoon fed you the information over and over. You are choosing to live this way.
The source of all evil is my illness. If I am ill/sleep deprived I take things much more personally, that's what I tried to tell Ron yesterday.
Yes, you CAN keep me up all night.
Yes, there WILL be a consequence of a much angrier wife.
Yes, it IS totally preventable.
Really ron is not a source of evil pissing on the floor, verbally abusing you? Nonsense. You have a right to be angry when he does the things he does. You refuse to get help for him or you because being a victim is more familiar and comfortable experience no matter how miserable
Couple reasons I don't get help:
1. I don't want people up in our finances. Believe it or not I am a private person.
2. Don't want social workers up my butt. You give people a little power over you and pretty soon they are telling you how to run your life. I talked about how the hospital sent a social worker out after Ron's accident, he snooped around in every corner of the house even though Ron was stuck in bed, found a pile of laundry by the washer, and WROTE ME UP for having "barriers" on the floor. Wouldn't look at the medication log, fridge, or home care supplies just too busy finding fault. I was ONE PERSON trying to do it ALL and he was horrible, it really soured me for the whole profession.
3. The last time I had people in my house they stole from me, as well.
even people on your blog tell you how to live your life. No way would I let a Gov't agency into my house either. Look how they're trying to control us with this virus.
Because you have things to hide. This is not fair to Ron.
I dont thjnk I believe the stories about things being stolen from you. It seems to be a paranoia trend.
I spent a career in providing services to people with disabilities. Please let me address your list.
1. The people who would be up in your finances don't judge or even care. I worked with people from all income levels and circumstances. I just told them about additional services they were eligible for if they were income-based services. When you work with volumes of people, you have seen and heard it all.
2. Discuss your concerns with potential providers. Ask about their policies. I was in people's homes all the time, and I trained others to go to people's homes. We looked for lockable Windows and doors, smoke detectors, blocked exits, etc. I have no idea why anyone would be writing you up for laundry next to a washer. I saw tons of minor stuff all the time. Just made suggestions and moved on with my job.
3. I had to fire one person for stealing. It does happen. We compensated the client obviously, but it is a concern. Again, be honest with potential providers. Your concerns are reasonable.
Your situation is frustrating to me, and I am forever telling you to get help, because I have worked with lots of people like you and Ron. It is so much safer to get services in place before something extreme happens. Getting services now allows you to engage providers as a preventative strategy. You want to prevent moving him into a nursing home, but you need help and support.
Please reach out for help. At least find out what is available. Ron really needs help.
The only thing I have "to hide" are financial things, bank statements, etc. I do have a password on my computer so they can't get online. I think most people prefer to keep that private.
Why don't YOU send me your bank account info, social security number, etc? I will keep it private because I said I will. NO, you won't. But you want me to do that and assume it will all be kept "private" [wink wink]
There are a lot of people like me. You are just baffled because most would be enticed by "free stuff/helpers" into giving up the data but I am not.
I barely gave my debit card to Ron's doctor over the phone today so he could get a refill.
I have no problem submitting my financial info and ssn when I am requesting services from organizations or from the government to verify my identity and that I qualify. Of course I wouldn’t submit it to you and I wouldn’t want to see yours, duh. I think you are skirting around the issue here. Unlike you I have nothing to hide.
I am not the one always crying because I have NO money and I don't have a wish list where I am practically begging people to send me free stuff. Nor did I setup a go fund me page to beg for money either. So there's all that.
Why does ron need a refill? According to you a couple of weeks ago he is not taking any medications. Just more lies from you.
I got one thing off my wish list if I was counting on that I was wrong. LOL Actually I didn't get it, it was for the cats at that. Maybe I need to make them their own list, heavy on the treats. :p
His back got worse; so he wanted to go back to the Tramadol. That is his right, his body. I don't know what he's dealing with he is pretty stoic. But I can tell you it is bad if he is on the phone begging the doctor. He hasn't had a refill in months so that wasn't an issue, he is clearly not addicted or "seeking" whatever you term it. If he wants pain relief I will help him get it, what sort of BITCH would I be if I didn't?
Really.
That's like him saying he wouldn't help me with my medication, I would leave him over that. He has always said he would just hire a cab if my aunt didn't take me. I can certainly pay $15 copay and run by the pharmacy when I am already at the store to pay the electric.
Edit: someone sent me a package before I put up the wish list. So 2 things, most of which were for the cats.
"That's like him saying he wouldn't help me with my medication, I would leave him over that." Yeah sure you would. Just like you were going to leave him if he interrupted your sleep. LOL.
I guess the "wink wink" is directed at me, because you believe people like me data mine people like you by promising free stuff/helpers. I am trying to help you based on 20+ years of experience actually helping people like you and Ron.
I'm not baffled by anything you do. I have seen it over and over and over. It's your life and you can do whatever you want. I am just offering suggestions on mitigating risk.
Why did Ron need a refill? I thought he was off the pain pills?
8:49, I believe you honestly want to help. Thank you for that.
I will do a blog on me and invasions and maybe that will make some sense. As I have said, I knew someone who worked at an agency helping people and the clients' information was NOT kept private.
I don't have much but it is mine.
forced "help" isn't help. Like giving advice when it's not asked for.
Beer can make you feel more paranoid please reconsider drinking it
I'm not even drinking every day, I have had one bottle since I got the six pack.
And is it 'paranoia" if my stuff was taken?
Heather,I've followed your blog for a long time. I'm seriously worried about you. For these reasons:
1) you used to, rightly so, post that you could not have any amount of alcohol due to FASD and abhorred it. Again, a very good plan given your medical conditions. And your experiences with people that drink aren't positive. Now you are not only buying liquor, you're drinking it? (It doesn't matter how much. It's the fact you are drinking it.) , Mixing alcohol with your meds is not a good idea. Alcohol AT ALL is not a good idea for someone FASD. Your body is basically allergic to it. It sounds like this is manic behaviour.
2) You aren't on your usual meds. Are you aware of the dangers of Kratom? It has psychotropic properties. It can induce euphoria, sedate, or be a stimulant. I'm also bipolar, and ANY med not prescribed that does that (heck, even if it is prescribed, you need to report it to your doctor.). you've said yourself many, many times that Lithium was a must for you as well as other meds. If you're not taking them, you;'re not yourself. If you're mixing Kratom with them, same thing. Either way, it's very scary and concerning. I can read your blog from a few months ago to now, and it's clear you are having some sort of manic or psychotic episode, and i don't say that lightly.
3) What is going on in your home is not acceptable. I was once a social worker and am the last one to judge. I've waded through homes that are knee deep in garbage, for example. No social worker is going to get in your business for having ordinary clutter, or shouldn't. However..a grown man urinating on the floor, not allowing you to sleep, hurling abuse at you and drinking himself into an early grave ARE NOT NORMAL. By any stretch. Or healthy. you've been in this so long you can't see straight anymore. Ron. Is. Abusing.You. Financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Most married couples don't have to beg for 15 or be allotted an allowance. I know you're not great with money, but neither is Ron. Do you really think a medically fragile man with a huge drinking problem can handle your finances?Really? Do you know how much money Ron is spending on booze? Booze AND tramadol is also a recipe for pure disaster and worse. I know you dont want him to have DT's. But that is Ron's issue. You've been to Al-Anon. He needs to take responsibility for this himself.
You're worth more than this, Heather. You're worth more than sleeping in a garage on a mat and smelling like cat pee while your husband pees on the floor and swears at you and makes demands. You're worth being able to control your own bank account and money. You're worth being able to live in a safe home without abuse.
I've been in similar shoes and couldn't see what was going on until I left, either. You are not responsible for Ron's behaviour. You are not his mother or his social worker. A wife is supposed to be a partner, and to be respected. This isn't marriage. This is abuse.
You are a Christian, right? So am I. You're a Child of God. God doesn't want His children to be abused, screamed at, sleep in pee and clean up after a grown man who won't give up drinking. Marital promises don't mean that Ron has a right to walk all over you. Where's his end of the bargain?
You both need help and it's time to admit that, Heather. Your posts get scarier all the time. I am really worried for you. Sometimes, it takes Christian humility to reach out and get help!
Post a Comment