It's an odd thing, having nightmares about people.

Ron used to have nightmares about me, that a bad guy was after us and was going to get us because *I* screwed up somehow.  He would scream and yell during the dream; furious at me when I woke him up "You got us killed!".  They stopped after the accident. 

Turns out I do the right things when bad times are upon us. 

I have had various nightmares about others in my life, my parents, the "special needs program" I was placed into my last 2 years of high school, etc.  I can't recall a lot of nightmares about Ron but I am sure I've had them. 

The latest I had last night was about my sister, that she was back in my life and my life was a lot worse for it.  The one thing I think that's the hardest to convey is just the depth of her mental illness. 

She really DID need serious therapy, but not for the reasons she thought.  Two children gave birth to her and did an equivalent job raising her.  She was always so angry at her father, he was an alcoholic, too, and only quit after she had already moved out.  She never seemed able to forgive him for that.  She was raised by two mentally ill grandmothers who only paid attention to her when she was sick, so she became one of those sickly people who has a new problem every week. 

Yet she was perfectly healthy when she was happy in her marriage, for over 20 years, which says it all to me.  It really is in her head.  But she has a platoon of specialists on her government health plan. 

That was the other thing I didn't like about her, taunting her boss to fire her and walking away from work in the middle of the day.  That is totally irresponsible.  Ron read me the riot act yesterday because I left an out of code sandwich in the food machine.  He would fire her in a second. 

It is just one thing after another with her "I'm sick you can't make me" "What do you expect from someone so sick?"  "You have to take care of me now".  I remember her dropping VERY heavy hints and basically saying I would leave Ron, move in with her, work part time at some mental illness job coalition (NO THANKS), and be her full time caregiver.  And you thought living with a blind man in a wheelchair was bad...

But I remember hearing there are "roles" in an alcoholic family, I was the caregiver.  She was "the responsible one".  Our brother was "the black sheep" (although he has done some good).  I never really got therapy for a child of alcohol, the therapist I had in my teens was more interested in making me "self aware" and analyzing myself, I think she did a decent job. 

So it was, she felt "my job" to "take care of her".  She has 3 kids of her own, all have moved far away.  When she needs a nursing home (not long at this rate) I am sure they will all chip in but I really doubt she is moving in with any of them. 

Ron likes to mention when I went to visit in 2012.  I have been "about" 220 for probably 20 years now, I go up and down a little but always around 220.  Right now I am closer to 230. 

So, her house was completely hoarded with little trails through piles of crap.  I was not allowed to touch the piles, even for balance, navigating, and I do not have the world's best balance (maybe they should have got me in ballet, as a kid :).  The worst were the empty bookcases stacked in the hallway going to the guest bath.  I couldn't slide past to get to the bathroom, I had to fight my way though, with a full bladder (lithium is a diuretic), every time.  One time I got stuck, the time Ron mentions.  It was horrible, stuck in the hall wondering if I needed to go ahead and void right there (what would it matter the place was a stye anyway) to free myself.  I managed to make a mighty shove and get loose but it was awful. 

I said something to my sister the next day and they moved a bookcase but, as Ron said when he heard about the social worker, at least you can get to our bathroom.  The toilet needs changing but it is functional and the vanity is very nice if I do say. 

Now, if anyone needed a social worker it is my sister.  In my goodbye letter I told her she shouldn't have cats in that hoard.  And that is why all rescue groups should do a home check, she got her cats from a rescue.  They checked to see if the landlord was OK with a cat, but that is all.  Had they walked in they would have said no way. 

My litter boxes can always use changing I do have 5, and even with outside access they only use their boxes.  Good for the neighbors. 

So I hate having nightmares around my sister because they are awful, I feel so attacked and enslaved "You have to help me" etc.  Probably how family of the disabled in the third world feel - there are no resources for families so they have to care for the person or leave them to die in the street.  Just UGH. 

So, I am mostly over that dream.  I still don't know why my foot fell off, although the dirt and the bugs made sense considering her hoarding. 

I just had a very nice visit from Spotty.  The cats have the ability to get up on the couch next to me and say hello, he put his front paws on my leg, purring, wanted a lot of petting which I was happy to provide.  He is a real lover and very sweet. 

When I first met him he wasn't sure about petting but grew to like it, I would pet him while he ate.  Now he loves it and seeks it out.  I do feel bad for Mama Cat but I don't see what else I could have done.  I was in a very bad place. 

It is interesting to note that Baby Girl was steadfast and stayed with Ron even during the worst of the work and the humidifiers and fans running constantly.  Torbie and Biscuit stayed in the yard until that was done.  Spotty came back after they took the humidifiers and Cleo came back after a month, she decided street life was not for her.  But it was her choice. 

I believe Mama Cat is still in the colony of cats being taken care of by the Spanish lady down the main street.  I think my current guys go over there and eat as well.  Cleo at least, she is so round she looks like she ate another cat. 

I need to figure out what I'm doing today.  I am going to Walmart, and I need to take a shower.  The question, do I take a shower this morning and then another one at night, so I don't have to get up at 3 to take a shower in the morning?  I'm not kidding about those early soda deliveries. 

Or do I just bite the bullet and take the shower in the morning?  I haven't decided and happily this may well be the worst issue I face all day.  I got the bathroom pretty much done, the kitchen is cluttered but OK.  I just need to sweep and do litter boxes. 

And feed Ron, which I did when he got up.  He can feed himself but it is a lot tidier if I do it.  There was The Issue I Can't Talk About.  As a result, he wanted some beans to eat.  I got him a can of pork and beans 50 cent from Walmart.  He liked that but asked if he could get some corn in there.  I did that. 

He really liked that and mused it would be really good with "some sausage bits". 

"How about bacon bits?  They seemed like a good pantry item when I was stocking up."  So I did that, and he loves it. 

So he ate a fair amount of casserole with corn, baked beans, and bacon bits.  Plenty of protein, something I value, and plenty of fiber for The Thing.   He is happy. 

He still has an interest in infomercials.  He was just telling me about this "amazing hand crank radio with a flashlight".  My STUN GUN has a flashlight.  I need to remember to take it to Walmart.  Flashlight doesn't mean anything.  Hand crank are not reliable long term the batteries are very shoddy.  Now, if Ron wants a survival radio I can get him one... yup, it is "free" with $90 in magazine subscriptions.  I found something better on Amazon and wish listed it (not the one you see) if he does decide he wants one. 

Now I have to buy some probiotics Spotty has the sniffles, not bad just sneezing every couple hours.  So I got that. 

Nothing is too good for my babies and probiotics are great for everyone.  I am actually taking some probiotics which came back with my stuff, I am not sure if they are still good after being in storage for 3 months but they can't hurt me.  Ron won't take them. 

Ideally I would love Ron on:
Swanson multi vitamin
Probiotic
Oregano oil capsule (daily during the COVID)
Vitamin E
Vitamin A&D
Mineral tablets. 

BUT I am lucky to get him to take his prostate pill and some Kratom.  There is a storm front coming so I got Ron on the kratom today to preempt the excruciating pain that comes with a weather change.  So far he is comfortable and I put the bottle in his shoe so he can find it easy.  LOL 

It is funny I don't miss anything I tossed, there was something the other day but it wasn't major.  Overall I don't miss it at all; which makes me think it was more a bipolar thing than a hoarding thing. 

Hoarders feel like every little bit is a part of them.  But, as one reader said, I had no problem gleefully flinging things in the dumpster, donating the weight equipment, putting other stuff out at the curb for the trash pickers, etc.  I was, and am, truly happy to see it go. 

Anyway, my day is not going to get going on it's own.  I need to take my shower and clean the litter boxes so I can get going.  I have some clothes to buy at Walmart for Ron, he is so picky about what he wears.  Pants at least, they have to bag like a homeboy but be twill with an elastic waist.  Hopefully Walmart will have it. 

But Ron and the cats are good so I'm happy, the house is fairly presentable not that I think the social worker is coming any time soon.  She mentioned an interview in the letter, not a visit.  Although she can if she wants [shrug].