More ways than one

Ugh.  Nothing like being shouted at when I'm already depressed.  Well, I can do something about that; by taking my pills.  Which I did. 

I can stop drinking too much caffeine, although I don't have any reason to set my alarm clock.  What am I going to do, kiss Ron goodbye as he goes to the liquor store? 

I think, and I pray, and I come down to a couple of questions only God can answer:
1.  Am I really so prone to Idolatry, that God has to use this to keep my mind in the right spot?  Quite probably.  One thing I see again and again in the Old Testament (if you didn't know, I read my Bible daily), people turning from God, to idols.  I am not cherishing and valuing an inantimate object, but I do tend to look to Ron for my happiness and security. 

I read a great book recently, "Once an Arafat Man" by Tass Saada.  He says "An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. When we think we must have a certain outcome to be happy, fulfilled, or secure, we are prone to clash with anything or anyone who gets in our way. God, meanwhile, is in the business of smashing idols."

Nothing to smash an idol, like a drunken tirade!  [shrug]

2.  If I knew I could do good work for God, would I stay in this relationship?  The answer is yes, with conditions.  AA says "Never argue with a drunk" so I'm not going into a "State of the Union" with Ron "After 12".   However, we will have another talk about verbal abuse. 

Another good quote from Brother Yun this time ("The Heavenly Man") "We shouldn't pray for a lighter load to carry, but a stronger back to endure! Then the world will see that God is with us, empowering us to live in a way that reflects his love and power."

At this moment in time, I don't know God's will for me.  I get a little frustrated, every time I do a handout I have to endure verbal abuse and tirades from my "husband".   At those times, I feel like he's just a tool the Devil is using to attack me.  But I can't tell him that.  He is completely blinded, in more ways than one. 

It's just completely impossible to reason with him, or even get him to think about my point of view.  He wants to shout at me, hand down edicts, and storm off.   I wish I could say it is the head injury; but it isn't.  He did this pretty much from the start. 

Actually, he was a lot worse.  He would say if I couldn't "measure up", he'd throw me out.  Nice.  Now it's completely inverted.  If God tells me to go, I will walk away from everything in a heartbeat. 

Even if I have to live in "cracktown" again, I know He'll take care of me.  God is consistent and does not fail.  Unlike humans.