I never know

I'm having some unpleasant psychotic symptoms.  Music that isn't there, "seeing" things out of the corner of my eye, etc.  It's really disturbing. 

I want to think, if I just take my medication I will never have a severe symptom, again.  However, the truth is a lot more precarious, I will always need adjustments and tune ups.  I never know when my symptoms will come back. 

How awful, to go through life, never able to trust my own brain.  So, I'm online looking up antipsychotics and wondering if he'll give me something new, increase the stuff I am taking, or something else. 

It's really sad to say this, but I'm going to ask for Haldol if I get a choice.  It seems like a very potent medication, and I can live with the side effects and risks.  On a comparison basis, it seems as though the old stuff is more effective than the new. 

OK, psychotic stuff resurfacing; not fun.  Also awful: return of the depression!  Ugh.  I'm brooding about stuff, anxious, worried, sometimes I want to just scream and bang my head into a wall and say NO NO No! 

Lord, I know I'm not that strong, I have to lean on Him.  This is really hard for me to write.  I just feel very beaten down and wrung out - why me? 

Well, why not me?  I don't see anyone else doing a Bible handout.  I guess I have to be this way, to do what God's got for me to do. 

I had nightmares about my brother in law last night - Ron's brother.  Safe to say he never liked me.  Woke up, went back to sleep, no headache thank God. 

Thinking about the sure-to-ensue headache if I slept in, was a big factor in getting me up today.  After dragging myself through a shower and my  God Time (I really feel God could get a much better quality out of me, but I think He's just happy to get my attention), it was raining.  Great. 

I investigated, it was a moderate rain.  No breezes or thunderstorms; easily handled with a cheap umbrella. 

I went to Foodtown, got some soda.  I went to Starbucks.  For what I paid for some steamed milk, I could have gotten a gallon!  I went to my favorite dollar store. 

Then I went to the craft store.  I had a backpack, and a tote bag.  I tied the handles of the tote bag to indicate I wouldn't be sticking anything into the tote.  Then I went off to the art department. 

A manager immediately approached me and asked if I needed help, I thanked him, smiled, and said I was looking.  He went off and alerted the whole store, I heard the radio "code 10 in Art!  code 10!" 

Everytime I turned around I had an employee breathing down my neck.  That's fine, I wasn't going to break the law.   I was [shrug] just looking. 

The monitoring got progressively more intense, to the point I had someone standing at my shoulder.  I took my backpack off and told her "Would you like a soda?", taking out a bottle of Diet Dr Pepper with a big "PAID" sticker.  Then I zipped it and put it back on. 

Normally I would never do it, because it looks like I'm up to no good, but I figured she was watching my every move anyway.  I got some brushes, and asked about the paint.  I looked at the paint for a while and picked out some I liked. 

Now, a part of me wanted to lay into them; and say, "Look, I live life without a car.  Everything I buy I have to carry.  I have already been to two stores today.  In this economy, you should be happy I'm in here with money in my hand.  Why don't you bother a REAL shoplifter?" 

The majority part of me acknowledged I did look suspicious, and since I had nothing to hide, let 'em watch.  I wish I'd had some Bibles to hand out; but God doesn't want me doing it like that.  I CHOSE to be amused. 

I found it even sadder when I went to check out and a manager was standing by the register.  I held up each item to him, as I put them on the counter, silently telling him "I know you THOUGHT I was a bad guy, but I am a legitimate customer".  He grinned and walked off.  I paid, and went home. 

I was pretty soggy when I got home.  I took out the trash, and took a nap.  Had a decent nap. 

Got up, did a little computer work, sorted through the mail. 

Someone is sending me porno.  I don't get that at all.  I don't know how I got on that list but I find it odd.  I just throw it out; I recognize the envelope now.

It's just another odd note in a very strange life.