Yesterday was pretty quiet. I went to bed around 8 PM Sunday. I woke up around 3 AM Monday morning. Stayed up for a few hours. Read my email.
I had a collection of papers for my aunt, basically she has all utility bills, mortgage, etc. Bank statements for me for about 8 months and Ron going back over a year. You get the idea. My only concern I didn't want her to send these forms (especially the copy of my ID card and SS card) regular mail as I have seen a lot. And that is all I will say. Anyway she said she was sending it all electronically so I was fine with that.
I went back to bed around 5 and slept a few hours, got up at 7, did my God time. Took a shower, shaved my legs. I have to wear long pants/jeans for work so not as urgent on a work day. My aunt came around 2. She was helping her husband write a rebuttal to a letter endorsing abortion.
Abortion does tremendous harm to the mother and that is minimized by the left. They act like it is like having your teeth cleaned but it's not. I don't judge or hate any woman who has had this done as she likely felt she had no other choice. God wants us (evangelicals and born agains) reaching out in love to these women both before and after this choice. I think it is also important to support crisis pregnancy groups as well, they can help women chose adoption or even keep the baby if they are connected with resources like housing and jobs. I feel strongly God wants us to reach out with a loving, helpful, hand without hate or condemnation.
So she came, unfortunately she got here right about when the rain arrived as well. We got my mail. I got a check for $100 thank you very much (class action settlement). I also got a donation on the go fund me. Even better. I have been really stingy with "my" money and want to make it last as long as I can. Because I just don't know what kind of expenses I will have this year.
All I can really say for sure this has been the worst year of my life. I put the check in my account and we got some lunch. I really wanted a soy chai latte from Starbucks so we did that. Boy, that wasn't cheap. I will not be getting a lot of those!
We came home, hugged, she left. She had a safe ride home. The rain was really horrible for a few hours but no flooding around here. It did make me glad I have a poncho I can wear on bad rain days, for work. It fits in my tote bag pretty easily.
I have various things like a few snacks, poncho, umbrella (for less intense rain events), water proof Bible (perfect for days like this), medication if I am working 1-10 (my evening pills in a little container), and then when I get to work I put my diet caffeine free cokes in there as well. I buy a 6 pack of the caffeine free before I start work and then have one every couple of hours while working. I get a soda, I don't have anxiety compounded by large amounts of caffeine.
My anxiety has been a little better the last few days. About the only thing I could think was a reduction in caffeine so I did that. DO NOT want anxiety pills. 1. Money 2. ADDICTIVE 3. Prefer not to use a crutch if I can avoid it.
Mood stabilizers and antidepressants are different, I have a chemical imbalance on those, but even my doctor does not believe in anxiety pills. So I view the anxiety pill as optional. If you take them that is fine I don't judge but I take enough as it is.
I could have done this as a video blog but I will share it here. It reminds me of Ron and the cane. The whole time I knew him he favored a straight long white cane, the kind that does not fold, hollow, with a "rain shine" metal tip. After the accident he transitioned to using a telescopic fiberglass long white cane he would use as he worked. He never needed a cane in the house, but I couldn't put anything in his pathways or move the furniture. I wanted to get rid of one couch and he said no he needed the back to funnel him into the kitchen.
So he always had a blind man cane. He did not use it the last couple years of his life because I helped him. He got very depressed when he found them in his cabinet, actually.
Now after the accident he used a wheelchair for a while. He always used the wheelchair if he would be on his feet for a while, even when he could walk. For instance, he always used a wheelchair at work. He got better and began just walking some places and using the wheelchair others. That went on for about 10 years. Then he got worse so he got a walker. Couldn't use the blind man cane with the walker. He got a little better at one point and I bought him a support cane.
He went ballistic. Only an old person used a support cane. Did I think he was OLD? I looked at him with the wheelchair and walker next to the bed and I said, "Let me get this correctly. You will use a walker or wheelchair, but you won't use a support cane?" He agreed. He was adamant about it and completely irrational. So I got rid of it.
It was apparent Ron would not be able to use the walker again, shortly after the back surgery, so I got rid of that as well. He had 3 wheelchairs when he died. I gave those all away. But I always found it funny Ron never wanted a support cane. He saw it as an unnecessary crutch.
Hopefully I am not like that; it's possible, though. I am missing him a lot today. I was able to compartmentalize my grief to a large extent while job hunting but it is presenting now that I do have employment. That is normal and do I say healthy. I don't like it.
I would like missing Ron to be a process of a few weeks only but I know it's going to take a lot longer. And yes, at times, he was awful. I believe a lot of that was the head injury because he never did many of the worst things before. I did have no problem throwing away all his porn, though. So I guess you could blame the guy who ran over him.
But that's a pretty easy thing to do. Blaming the driver for ruining Ron's life, even though he did, doesn't solve anything. The driver doesn't know I am bitter at him. He is just going on with his life maybe feels a little twinge now and then. I remember when he started stalking us, I was complaining and everyone at work said "Oh, well he had cancer so you have to be nice to him". He made a complete recovery with no lasting damage. That's not equivalent to what he did to Ron. But no one wanted to hear that. They saw the illness as canceling out the "bad karma" of running Ron over and killing him.
And he did kill Ron; both Ron's parents had serious health problems and both made it well into their 90's. Ron died in his 60's the guy stole 30 years off his life in addition to maiming him. And what he did to me, who loved Ron...better not to consider that. It was bad all around.
So, I have decided, if the medical examiner rules Ron's death as resulting from the accident I will call the guy out on Facebook. I am FB friends with about 7 former and active Postal Workers that will get back to the plant. But I will leave it at that unless the DA asks me if I would like them to prosecute, then I will say yes, I will be happy if his license is revoked because the man is a terrible, unsafe, driver. That will cause him a lot of trouble, no more fancy motorcycle, etc. It's not equivalent to what he did to Ron but it would satisfy me.
And I have forgiven him sometimes I can even feel bad for him living with the guilt. I actually talked to the guy every day for about a week until his overly jealous wife told me to stop calling. I didn't want her man but I did want him to know Ron was improving, while I am bitter I don't like to think of myself as hateful. Anyway, one day I mentioned a song by Phil Collins about a hit and run driver and he said "Yes I have been listening to it constantly". So he does feel a little guilt.
He should.
Lyrics:
LYRICS: In and out of darkness, in and out of sleep Trying to keep my hands upon the wheel Never saw the corner in the driving rain I never saw her step into the street Dreaming while you sleep Dreaming while you sleep Memories to keep Dreaming while you sleep I can never understand what went thru my mind I didn't stop to see what I had done Had to keep on driving deep into the night The miles between would somehow put it right Dreaming while you sleep Dreaming while you sleep Memories to keep Dreaming while you sleep All my life, you lie silently there All my life in a world so unfair All my life and only I'll know why And it will live inside of me I will never be free all my life Trapped in her memory all my life Till the day that you open your eyes Please open your eyes Dreaming while you sleep Dreaming while you sleep Heard it on the radio, saw it on TV But could I take my secret to the grave If I had another chance, would I do the same Would I still deny that it was me Dreaming while you sleep Dreaming while you sleep Dreaming while you sleep Are you dreaming while you sleep? All my life, I'll be haunted by All my life, just one moment in time All my life until the day I die And it will live inside of me Oh I will never be free all my life Trapped in her memory all my life Till the day that you open your eyes All of my life, you lie silently there All my life, in a world so unfair All my life and only I'll know why And it will live inside of me I will never be free all my life Trapped in her memory all my life Till the day that you open your eyes
No comments:
Post a Comment