I feel like a cube steak

 So not going to do a video blog because I put my hair regrowth foam and it is doing odd things to my part.  

Just a rough day.  I slept OK but had a very sad dream about a little fluttering bird before I woke up.  Got up, fed the cats.  Shower (did not need to shave legs), God Time.  Got all that done.  Bible study this morning said focus on letting God fill you with joy, not easy - well, in my circumstances.  At least the cats are good.  I was sitting out front and another huge dog roaming the neighborhood... poor Biscuit (with me) his eyes were huge.  I said "Come on" got up and he RAN to the front door, I opened it and he bolted inside.  I don't blame him.  I think it was just a pet got out in the rain yesterday.  I don't see it anymore so not worried.  But I did come inside because I just don't know.  

I know God has my back.  I know God has a plan.  I have faith in His plan.  I know God is working all things for good.  I know God has a place for me to work (assuming we don't have a very short timeline to rapture).  I know God does not want me to "be strong" in my own strength but to lean on Him for support.  I know He has gotten me though everything in my life thus far.  I know God will be with me no matter where I end up.  I know God is building me into a better daughter through this, a better human being, evangelist, prayer warrior.  I know this; I believe it 1000%

I am just scared and sad.  I miss my husband, I worry how I will pay the bills when the money runs out.  If I will ever find a job.  I worry my aunt will get sick of helping me.  I worry the bank won't let me have Ron's money and I won't get to keep the house after all.  A lot of worries, if I let them.  I try to only worry about 1-2 things at a time and only for a few minutes.  

Ugh I have a DRILLING pain above one eye, stress I think.  I made an icy cold lemonade, took a couple aspirin, and used my essential oil roll on.  I have mixed results with the roll on.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes not.  It's never hurt me though.  I don't want to take Excedrin I have enough anxiety without adding 130 mg of stimulant caffeine.  

So I am taking today off job hunting.  I did bleach out my favorite plastic cup with straw it was starting to get an off flavor.  So that is drying.  A little bleach water down the pipes won't hurt anything.  

I am just worn out this is a really hard road and frankly something I never let myself imagine.  I had considered leaving Ron on a couple of occasions, back in 2011, late 2019.  I didn't think he would ever stop the verbal abuse.  But he did, it took him becoming bed bound and totally dependent but he did stop that and became a decent, appreciative, husband.  Pretty rough way for both of us though.  

I feel like a cube steak in the tenderizer.