I did my faith walk stuff, texted with my aunt, took care of the cats. Baby Girl hates it when I examine her for mats but I have to stay on top of that. I don't want to have her shaved again.
I paid the insurance, yay me, and printed up my confirmation which I will give to my aunt. I ordered some hair vitamins ($5) from Swanson and got a few bars of nice soap also. I ordered generic brand women's multi's with iron from Walmart.com and they say they are coming today. They actually have the profile I want with 100% of my daily iron.
Dinner time approached and what the heck am I going to eat? I finally settled on a can of spaghetti rings (generic brand). I also had a protein shake. Took my pills.
And I thought, I really need to do it. I need to make a list of meals and either get some dice, or a random number generator, and pick my meals that way. Go to google and type in "random number generator" and it comes right up. I will use that on difficult days to select my dinner.
I see my aunt tomorrow that will be fun. I imagine it will be busy, though. Oh, and I got the compression socks (ordered, not delivered yet).
I really don't feel like shopping but everything I got is something I need. And, thinking "Would I work" (I make $11 an hour) "20 minutes for this bar of soap?" puts things in perspective. Ron covered pretty much all the bills when he was alive, it's all on me now and I aim to be clever.
The hair vitamins I see as a professional expense. A woman with thicker hair will have more opportunities. I am sure Ron lost some job opportunities when they saw his hair. Thicker hair, even gray, will make me appear younger.
There is also the grief factor many people lose more hair around a severe trauma like finding one's husband dead when they return from an errand. I didn't really care at the Post Office but there is some competition in the working world now and I need to have a good appearance for that.
My work week is a little challenging, Thursday and Friday nights, then turn around come right back to work Saturday and Sunday days. It is not too hard to get to work that takes about an hour and a half but takes two hours to get home on the weekend (I take Larry home Thursday and Friday nights). I can do this because I have no one at home but I have thought, more than once, it would be impossible for me to care for Ron and do this.
The store manager told me he had been asking about me because I looked "so familiar" and was told about me and Ron, then remembered how we used to come in and use the kiddie cart, I would take him all over the store, he would have his little boom box playing. "Good times" I responded. He agreed. He was very nice.
It is good to feel like I have favor with supervisors, management. That is all I am going to say about work today as I am tired, and done with work for days.
I have been thinking some with my new schedule how I want to plan my days. And I decided I need to take one day off a week and do literally nothing. So that's what I'm doing. I mean, I will pay the homeowner's insurance, and I put some more toilet paper in the bathroom, but that's it. I plan to do actual housework on Wednesday. Run errands with my aunt tomorrow.
The cats are good. Biscuit in particular was very anxious the first week or two of work. I was gone for so long he wondered if I was coming back. But he knows know I may leave, I may be gone 12 hours, but I am coming back. So he's OK now.
Another thing I will be doing today: getting some compression socks. I think those will help a lot as I am on my feet pretty constantly. Tomorrow I will be getting some quality shoes - I don't care about brand but I need something rugged and supportive. Academy has had some good work shoes so I will probably go with them. I mean, I am on my feet 12 hours a day, 4 days a week. I need some help. I am fine spending money on footwear. Ron always used to worry about my feet "Get off your feet" he would tell me when I worked in the deli. He also worried if my shoes were soft enough, etc. So I know he would want me to take care of myself.
And yes, I know, being overweight does not help my feet. But my jeans are getting looser one pair I had to get a belt. After I get paid (next time) I will get another pair of jeans. I have to wear long jeans/pants to work (no leggings) and I don't have a whole lot of them. I need to have a fashion show, maybe Wednesday, try on what I have and see if it works. But new jeans are only like $25 from Walmart.com and I am a plus member with free shipping.
Work was rather difficult last night. I am a little discouraged.
Some excitement in the schedule, they have me working until 10 PM tonight and then turning around and coming in at 4 AM tomorrow. I need to talk to personnel about this. Worst case I can TRY taking a Uber, I can use the pay. I will of course be exhausted when I get off tomorrow if that's how it plays.
The cats are good, they all gave me some lovins today. I slept really terribly last night but have enough energy to get going. I think my sleep goes to caffeine use - I had to take some headache pills last night. So I only had one, 80 mg, serving of caffeine today. And that's all I plan to have.
A lot is dependent on how my talk with the HR manager goes... I will "try" if necessary but I put my availability for 8 AM. I can get there at 8 absolutely on the bus but it just goes to see how much they want me at 4 and will I be penalized for having it fixed. I don't mind paying for a ride, one way, if I am working a long shift. But it eats up an hour of my pay. This is necessary Thursday and Friday nights because no one wants me out on the bus at that hour. And maybe the Uber will work better than I hoped. We will see.
I did spend some time this morning editing out all the defunct payment methods, Ron's primary account, etc. So a lot to worry about if I let it.
I got pretty hammered with depression today. I did do my God Time, took 2 showers (more in a minute), and washed my quilt and bedding. I got my grocery delivery and put it away. They upgraded me on my toilet paper, sending me a package twice the size of what I ordered and paid. Nice. It has been my experience I get a better delivery if I do it during the week, in the morning. I got everything else.
I wasn't very hungry, too grieved to eat... but I had a protein shake, some chicken, chips, and a nutrigrain bar. I took everything as directed, yay me. The cats were very sweet and cuddly.
I am happy I have stuff to eat now, especially things for my work lunches. When I am on lunch I want to plant my butt in a chair and stay put. I don't want to go get food. At least now I don't. Before, 20 years ago, I liked going out and getting a lunch but now I am more sedentary on my break/lunch. So I have things like yogurt and fruit cocktail in juice.
I like to do my prayer time outside sitting in the yard. But mosquitoes are really bad. BUT I bought a can of bug spray today (deet, the stuff you spray on your skin), I put that on before I did that but I was thinking...I don't really want this on my skin, or rubbing off on the bedding. So I took a shower after.
I will need to use my bug spray tomorrow before work as I will be standing at the bus stop. And that is right in the middle of mosquito land. I don't have to get eaten alive to know it's going to be harsh, if I don't use the bug spray. And I suppose I can take a shower when I get home as I don't like the thought of bug spray all over my bedding. I don't care about cats in the bed but I sure object to that.
Today was just a hard day. I guess I always figured if Ron died I would sob a lot and be prostrate with grief. It didn't work out that way, but some days at home are just very hard. I have to think that will get better.
I met Ron when I was 17. I knew I loved him very quickly. I moved in within months. We were very close for 29 years. Very compatible in a lot of ways. But I don't think he was The Only One Ever. I believe I could find someone else and have a very close relationship as well; question being, do I want to? Sure not now. One reason I wear my wedding ring.
It's early days yet, not even 3 months out. I'm still sticking to AT LEAST 5 years before dating.
I got a love offering yesterday. Someone who knew us pretty well. It is appreciated.
I am finally online in the schedule app for work, it kept saying no schedule for weeks...now I have one. I find that promising. I need to talk to personnel about it though as I cannot come in at 4 AM. Buses don't run. "Everyone" assumes that "everybody" has a car and drives. I think I do pretty well without it.
Ron used to quote a line from this song at me "I don't drive but I go pretty far".
And I do. I am pretty independent on the bus. Hell, I used to get off work, go downtown, take the Greyhound to Austin every weekend, meet Ron, spend the weekend with him, and come back Sunday afternoon. Every weekend, for months. No regrets on doing that or all the money I spend on fares.
Side note, Highway 290 between Houston and Austin has the most beautiful wildflowers, in the spring. If Ron had been the wild flower type I would have done his ashes there. But he was more a hiking and beach guy so we did the ashes there. Dad is going to do his portion of ashes next week.
And I got paid, a nice chunk, too. It is good to be earning money. I am in the official schedule now which is also great.
But I'm not going to think about work. That's just not logical to brood about work on my day off. It's MY DAY OFF not my day to stress about work. I got paid, that is the important thing.
My bedding was getting a little gamey so I am washing it, I am doing the quilt with baking soda (great for any kind of odor) and Tide Free PODS. Then I will wash the sheets in a separate load.
I am going to go do my God Time before my groceries arrive.
I woke up around 7, got up, did my God Time, cleaned the litter boxes, and then took a shower. I prefer to shower after I do the boxes as I worry about getting nasty litter dust all over my arms.
My aunt showed after her class and we went to the Post Office to get my mail. And there was the insurance quote, only $100 more than the "with Ron" policy. Not bad at all. Still a lot of money by any stretch but doable. I will pay that next week.
We also got a copy of the mortgage insurance policy for my aunt and some other stuff I forget. She showed me his bank statement where he got a stimulus, and yes, that is legal. As long as he was alive January first (and we all know he died in March) he gets it. So that will help the bottom line when I finally have access to his account. I got the card as well!
We were going to Burger King but they didn't want walk-ins, so we took our money to Whataburger and had a good meal. I have just not had a great appetite lately which is new for me. I just don't have any taste for food. I have to force myself to eat. I had a malt, some fries, and some of the hamburger where before I would have polished everything off. We ran an errand and then I came home.
She left after we did some computer work. I got a phone call, someone is coming over with a love offering either tonight or tomorrow. That will be great if it works out.
My pride pretty much got flushed the day Ron died and I only had $16 to my name. I had to ask for/receive help and I hope I have been gracious about it.
Ron was always a little too proud. Some of that rubbed off.
I had a pretty uneventful evening until I decided to eat a few bites of burger and take my pills. Sounds great? I got out the burger, heated it up (a BBQ sweet and spicy bacon burger) and sat at the table, took a few bites. I noticed Baby Girl roaming the area like a small, furry, shark. She was meowing a lot, too. I got distracted and she got up on the table, ran over to the burger, and took a bite! She gobbled it all up and took another bite! I yelled at her (not much, more of a scold) and she ran off. I knew she liked plain McDonald's hamburgers but she apparently also likes Whataburger as well. Good to know, I guess. I hope the BBQ sauce doesn't upset her stomach.
Other than that it was pretty uneventful. I read my new insurance policy. I do get a discount for being over 40, I see. So that's not bad.
I just need to decide if I want to pay it online or through the mail. They both have their merits. I will have to think about it a few days.
I have been told I give my customers "The Ambassador treatment" which I took as a high compliment. No customers = no money.
I don't want to talk too much about work as it's a corporation and not the sole prop. I had with Ron. Don't want a post coming back to haunt me. But I am doing the work and that's what matters.
I am really diligent about getting in early every day and that is working out for me. It would be stupid to lose my job over tardiness, and it's a Walmart, so I can always look around before I clock in. Today I plan to get some drink mixes.
Today's a short day which is nice. I am not sleeping great at night but I'm not waking up at 3 AM anymore either. I generally feel fairly rested.
I have been having a lot of dry mouth, I have to talk a lot at work, I take antidepressants. I can have a bottle of water if I am discreet about it. I still have to wear a mask as I did not get the vax.
I can apparently get one at work now. If I do I will get it on a Sunday and then I have 3 days off.
I miss being married. I miss the companionship. My work station overlooks the men's clothing department and it is sad to see all the couples come in picking out clothes for him, or a woman by herself selecting items for her man. I can't recall the last time I did that. I don't know if I'll ever do that again. Which is sad; but I don't want to leap into a bad relationship, either. I am giving it at least 5 years on dating.
It's early days yet, though, I assume I will get used to being lonely.
I have been handing out a lot of candy to the drivers and that has been very popular; something that wouldn't be happening if Ron were alive. No way I can do any evangelism (outright, prayer is fine if I am discreet) at work but to and from is all mine. The drivers are generally happy to get it. Eventually I would like to figure out a Bible Handout as well. I just need to figure out where I would do it.
And I remind myself no one at work or pretty much anywhere wants to hear about Ron. So I don't talk about him except to Jack, my family. Sometimes to the cats.
Ron would be happy I'm sleeping better. I got up around 7 this morning, I plan to make that my set wakeup time unless the manager has me working early shifts. So I got up, did some housework. I had to at least sweep the floor so I did that, cleaned the bathroom. I took my shower (I like to shower after the housework) and did my God time. Happy about that.
Biscuit has been occupying my computer chair so he had it most of the day. He's so adorably indignant when I try to move him. My aunt is going to bring me another folding chair so I can just move his chair and put another.
Ron's memory is fading, I am losing some memories and that is probably a good thing as a lot of it wasn't very good at the end. One thing I find funny now, he had some problems at the end with bowels. He had disposable products he used to help with that. And when I would clean him up he would always ask me how big it was, tell me how it felt coming out, etc. Then he would thank me a couple times as I finished. But I have to laugh when I remember him lying there on his side and asking me "How big is it?" Good times.
He was very easy at the end, actually. I had to do a lot more for him (he generally had feeding himself down if it was a solid food), drinking water (and vodka!), etc. but needed help with bath, dressing, toilet, etc. I was OK with that and I can stand here and say I did not shirk my duties. I didn't make him feel bad about needing help, either. That is good to know. And he was very appreciative, the more he needed, the nicer he was, so that made it more enjoyable too.
It is funny to see how much less garbage I am putting out every week. He generated quite a bit as it turns out. Now that it's just me it is pretty much one 13 gallon trash bag a week. The trash guys must love me now that I cleaned out all Ron's stuff.
It was a pretty rough month for the trash guys back in March with me getting rid of the table, bookcase, dresser, and carpet, not to mention bags and bags of assorted junk. But that's all gone (junk pickers got most of it). The usable stuff got donated.
I was very happy to throw out the flash drives with porn.
Speaking of perverts his "old friend" changed his number to get me to pick up a few weeks ago. So I put both numbers in my phone book so I can avoid the calls. There is just no point in talking to those guys, I have nothing in common with them aside from Ron. I already told them how he died. They just want gossip fodder. No thanks.
"What was his mood the week before he died?" Tired. But I didn't say that. He did sound great right before he died and I hang onto that.
I am leaning more, now that I have a job, towards letting everyone go to voicemail and then sorting through that later when I have the time. I just don't need people hassling me when I'm trying to get to work, at work, etc. Work has a policy you can have a phone and use it, BRIEFLY, as long as it doesn't interfere with your work duties, but I don't plan to make/take any personal calls at work. I might play my word game or solitare on my break. Whatever it is, it can wait.
And I don't want Ron's old friends thinking they have "rights" to me. There is a reason he wasn't close to them.
So not a horrible day. It was raining but nothing like last night. Oh, I have to tell you about last night. I have my old cell phone it works on wifi for music and google but not for calls. The messaging feature died on it so I had to get a new phone. I had the new phone off. The old one started yelling about a tornado warning right after I went to bed. It was pretty calm out, though, so I didn't see the excitement. then about 15 minutes later the storm cell came through, it was pretty violent with wind and torrential rain. I unplugged my phone and computer.
And I remember thinking "OK God I am ready to see Ron but not dying in a tornado, please". I thought that was funny as a "real" widow would of course be happy to see her loved one no matter what. But I don't want to go that way if I can avoid it.
Most likely going to be my heart based on family history. It is drizzling now but not awful. Hopefully it won't be too bad tomorrow, they say it will rain but only God knows how bad. I do have my trusty poncho.
I had some tuna salad earlier (and made some for tomorrow's lunch). I need another meal I am hungry. I also need to weigh myself my appetite has been pretty erratic, I'm either not hungry or I only want about half what I normally do. That has got to affect my weight. And I am not bringing home chips, jars of frosting, etc. for "emotional support" either because Ron would not want me blowing myself up to 300 pounds.
And honestly, I spend enough time at Walmart without a long leisurely shopping trip. Plus no place really to put it in the break room, and when I am off at 10 I like to get out there and see Larry so I can head home.
I do plan to get a grocery delivery next week. But I have enough food for now.
Think about it, stare mournfully at the dead body for 10 minutes, sniff a few times, hide when morgue comes to take him away. Cry all over the house looking for him for a night. Then back to normal.
The human way of grief is much more inefficient. I am sitting here at my desk wondering how much you want to hear about my grief. Good question.
I am OK at work, usually. Different things will make me sad but not cripple me, like the other day a woman was hanging up a pair of Ron's favorite shorts, they are a basic knit short with an elastic waist. He lived in them every time we went out in the summer, for years. Home is worse. I miss him terribly, I'm depressed, I get angry at the driver who killed him. I get sad. I worry about my future. It's all a big tangle.
I did do my God Time today so proud of that. However, something in my tree crapped on me during the evening portion of my devotionals. I have some "morning and evening" devotionals (3) so I try to get both sides every day. Rarely I will miss the evening but I don't usually miss the morning.
Happily it was just a leg but I will have to watch that.
Generally I just leave the house and go straight to work when I work. I don't sit around under the tree which looks like a good practice now.
I also found a dead bird by my bed. Not sure who got that but likely Spotty or Cleo. I got rid of it, trash comes tomorrow.
But my aunt did a lot today; put herself on the mortgage as an authorized representative, turned off Ron's phone she said they were very sorry to hear about him. Also fixed the insurance so I am primary on that. Glad that is all done the man with the mortgage company was a little stiff but seemed sincere in his condolences.
It was just a rough day for grief. But I will get through it, I have to think I will be better in a year or two.
I am sure not looking to go through this again any time soon.
Yesterday was pretty quiet. I went to bed around 8 PM Sunday. I woke up around 3 AM Monday morning. Stayed up for a few hours. Read my email.
I had a collection of papers for my aunt, basically she has all utility bills, mortgage, etc. Bank statements for me for about 8 months and Ron going back over a year. You get the idea. My only concern I didn't want her to send these forms (especially the copy of my ID card and SS card) regular mail as I have seen a lot. And that is all I will say. Anyway she said she was sending it all electronically so I was fine with that.
I went back to bed around 5 and slept a few hours, got up at 7, did my God time. Took a shower, shaved my legs. I have to wear long pants/jeans for work so not as urgent on a work day. My aunt came around 2. She was helping her husband write a rebuttal to a letter endorsing abortion.
Abortion does tremendous harm to the mother and that is minimized by the left. They act like it is like having your teeth cleaned but it's not. I don't judge or hate any woman who has had this done as she likely felt she had no other choice. God wants us (evangelicals and born agains) reaching out in love to these women both before and after this choice. I think it is also important to support crisis pregnancy groups as well, they can help women chose adoption or even keep the baby if they are connected with resources like housing and jobs. I feel strongly God wants us to reach out with a loving, helpful, hand without hate or condemnation.
So she came, unfortunately she got here right about when the rain arrived as well. We got my mail. I got a check for $100 thank you very much (class action settlement). I also got a donation on the go fund me. Even better. I have been really stingy with "my" money and want to make it last as long as I can. Because I just don't know what kind of expenses I will have this year.
All I can really say for sure this has been the worst year of my life. I put the check in my account and we got some lunch. I really wanted a soy chai latte from Starbucks so we did that. Boy, that wasn't cheap. I will not be getting a lot of those!
We came home, hugged, she left. She had a safe ride home. The rain was really horrible for a few hours but no flooding around here. It did make me glad I have a poncho I can wear on bad rain days, for work. It fits in my tote bag pretty easily.
I have various things like a few snacks, poncho, umbrella (for less intense rain events), water proof Bible (perfect for days like this), medication if I am working 1-10 (my evening pills in a little container), and then when I get to work I put my diet caffeine free cokes in there as well. I buy a 6 pack of the caffeine free before I start work and then have one every couple of hours while working. I get a soda, I don't have anxiety compounded by large amounts of caffeine.
My anxiety has been a little better the last few days. About the only thing I could think was a reduction in caffeine so I did that. DO NOT want anxiety pills. 1. Money 2. ADDICTIVE 3. Prefer not to use a crutch if I can avoid it.
Mood stabilizers and antidepressants are different, I have a chemical imbalance on those, but even my doctor does not believe in anxiety pills. So I view the anxiety pill as optional. If you take them that is fine I don't judge but I take enough as it is.
I could have done this as a video blog but I will share it here. It reminds me of Ron and the cane. The whole time I knew him he favored a straight long white cane, the kind that does not fold, hollow, with a "rain shine" metal tip. After the accident he transitioned to using a telescopic fiberglass long white cane he would use as he worked. He never needed a cane in the house, but I couldn't put anything in his pathways or move the furniture. I wanted to get rid of one couch and he said no he needed the back to funnel him into the kitchen.
So he always had a blind man cane. He did not use it the last couple years of his life because I helped him. He got very depressed when he found them in his cabinet, actually.
Now after the accident he used a wheelchair for a while. He always used the wheelchair if he would be on his feet for a while, even when he could walk. For instance, he always used a wheelchair at work. He got better and began just walking some places and using the wheelchair others. That went on for about 10 years. Then he got worse so he got a walker. Couldn't use the blind man cane with the walker. He got a little better at one point and I bought him a support cane.
He went ballistic. Only an old person used a support cane. Did I think he was OLD? I looked at him with the wheelchair and walker next to the bed and I said, "Let me get this correctly. You will use a walker or wheelchair, but you won't use a support cane?" He agreed. He was adamant about it and completely irrational. So I got rid of it.
It was apparent Ron would not be able to use the walker again, shortly after the back surgery, so I got rid of that as well. He had 3 wheelchairs when he died. I gave those all away. But I always found it funny Ron never wanted a support cane. He saw it as an unnecessary crutch.
Hopefully I am not like that; it's possible, though. I am missing him a lot today. I was able to compartmentalize my grief to a large extent while job hunting but it is presenting now that I do have employment. That is normal and do I say healthy. I don't like it.
I would like missing Ron to be a process of a few weeks only but I know it's going to take a lot longer. And yes, at times, he was awful. I believe a lot of that was the head injury because he never did many of the worst things before. I did have no problem throwing away all his porn, though. So I guess you could blame the guy who ran over him.
But that's a pretty easy thing to do. Blaming the driver for ruining Ron's life, even though he did, doesn't solve anything. The driver doesn't know I am bitter at him. He is just going on with his life maybe feels a little twinge now and then. I remember when he started stalking us, I was complaining and everyone at work said "Oh, well he had cancer so you have to be nice to him". He made a complete recovery with no lasting damage. That's not equivalent to what he did to Ron. But no one wanted to hear that. They saw the illness as canceling out the "bad karma" of running Ron over and killing him.
And he did kill Ron; both Ron's parents had serious health problems and both made it well into their 90's. Ron died in his 60's the guy stole 30 years off his life in addition to maiming him. And what he did to me, who loved Ron...better not to consider that. It was bad all around.
So, I have decided, if the medical examiner rules Ron's death as resulting from the accident I will call the guy out on Facebook. I am FB friends with about 7 former and active Postal Workers that will get back to the plant. But I will leave it at that unless the DA asks me if I would like them to prosecute, then I will say yes, I will be happy if his license is revoked because the man is a terrible, unsafe, driver. That will cause him a lot of trouble, no more fancy motorcycle, etc. It's not equivalent to what he did to Ron but it would satisfy me.
And I have forgiven him sometimes I can even feel bad for him living with the guilt. I actually talked to the guy every day for about a week until his overly jealous wife told me to stop calling. I didn't want her man but I did want him to know Ron was improving, while I am bitter I don't like to think of myself as hateful. Anyway, one day I mentioned a song by Phil Collins about a hit and run driver and he said "Yes I have been listening to it constantly". So he does feel a little guilt.
He should.
Lyrics:
LYRICS:
In and out of darkness, in and out of sleep
Trying to keep my hands upon the wheel
Never saw the corner in the driving rain
I never saw her step into the street
Dreaming while you sleep
Dreaming while you sleep
Memories to keep
Dreaming while you sleep
I can never understand what went thru my mind
I didn't stop to see what I had done
Had to keep on driving deep into the night
The miles between would somehow put it right
Dreaming while you sleep
Dreaming while you sleep
Memories to keep
Dreaming while you sleep
All my life, you lie silently there
All my life in a world so unfair
All my life and only I'll know why
And it will live inside of me
I will never be free all my life
Trapped in her memory all my life
Till the day that you open your eyes
Please open your eyes
Dreaming while you sleep
Dreaming while you sleep
Heard it on the radio, saw it on TV
But could I take my secret to the grave
If I had another chance, would I do the same
Would I still deny that it was me
Dreaming while you sleep
Dreaming while you sleep
Dreaming while you sleep
Are you dreaming while you sleep?
All my life, I'll be haunted by
All my life, just one moment in time
All my life until the day I die
And it will live inside of me
Oh I will never be free all my life
Trapped in her memory all my life
Till the day that you open your eyes
All of my life, you lie silently there
All my life, in a world so unfair
All my life and only I'll know why
And it will live inside of me
I will never be free all my life
Trapped in her memory all my life
Till the day that you open your eyes
I am feeling more confident at work, that is going well, getting there and home on the bus not a big deal. I had really good transfers on my ride home today and beat my record time.
I may do a video blog later but I am OK. I still miss Ron horribly but am learning to live with that.
I had more drama than I wanted yesterday, getting to work.
I had a nice 20 minute window between my local bus and the other bus (call them X and Y). The X was due to come at 11:00. It was late, and I had about 15 very bad minutes thinking I was going to miss my connecting bus. NOT fun. Swore to God I would never do that again.
What does that mean? It means I have to get to work an hour early every day BUT I am OK with that I would rather be early than late. They fire you for being late, if I am early no one will care as long as I punch in properly. I was also told I would only work 4 days a week.
By the way I think it is OK to say I have an app on my phone to punch in/out/mealtimes. It is cute.
I am finding a greatly reduced desire to actually shop at Walmart now. I need to get some tampons, and cat food, today, and that is all I plan to get. Normally I would browse a little and throw some extra items in the cart. But I will get a six pack of caffeine free diet Coke if I can. I like that on my break and it won't aggravate my anxiety.
I don't plan to gossip about the company/job I don't want that to come back on me. But I can do the work.
My aunt got some good news the legal aid people (not actual legal aid but something like it) have taken my case. She is really happy about that. They sent a welcome packet which she is probably working on right now. She has a lot of information already but if they need copies of ID or documents I can of course do that. I am glad they felt I was sympathetic.
I mean, I adored the man, cared for him 29 years, refused to put him in a nursing home, "let" him die at home the way he wanted...lost my job... just trying to keep my house and the cats. It is sad. But I would do it again.
I had talked about how I would really get on with the grief process once I got a job and sure enough it happened that way. Once I was out of survival mode it hit me hard. But I am functional.
Jack has been giving me rides home when I work late night he doesn't like the idea of me walking home from the bus stop. I pay him of course, he seems happy with what I give him (about what a uber would run).
Anxiety has been pretty bad I can admit that, but my doctor and I don't want me on anxiety meds. I am being very strict with my caffeine intake and of course getting a fair amount of exercise walking to/from bus stops.
I feel like all I am doing is talking about work, or at work, so I won't do much of that. I can do the job. It is a sit down (mostly) job which is rare for retail. So, done with that. I am getting lots of hours which is great as that means I can support myself off my earnings. I set up direct deposit, too.
So. Transportation has worked out, it's a long ride to/from but doable. Last night I had some excitement as a big storm front rolled in right as I left work. I had to deal with some wind 😂 and rain but was OK. People around me at my transfer points have been fine. I am not worried about that; crossing the busy street near my home is becoming more comfortable but I am careful.
And I can use the money I can't live on savings forever. I did talk to the insurance company about taking Ron off the policy. They said I will need to send a copy of the death certificate to them along with some information and then they can do that. I will let my aunt do that she has the death certificate.
I would rather not look at the death certificate.
One last thing about work, everyone at the Walmart knew me and Ron because we came in often and were a "cute couple". One remembered Ron in the kiddie cart with me (it was a plastic seat mounted on the back of a standard cart), playing his music on his talking book machine. It was heartwarming, and I have gotten more sympathy from people at my NEW job than I did at the old one.
It is very hard for me to accept, though, I am trying to be gracious and just say "Thank you, I miss him a lot". Now I am done talking about work.
Oh, and they are very good at getting breaks and lunches, unlike another major retailer I worked for many years ago. They verify I have had all my breaks (2) and lunch (1 hour unpaid) for my 9 hour shift, very nice. I used to have a terrible time at the other place.
So it has been going pretty well, of course starting a new job is MORE stress but I am confident I will settle in pretty quick. I have not closed the door to other opportunities, like the bus company. But I am not actively seeking, either. I am glad I got hired because I was down to the point of applying at McDonald's. And even the fried chicken place did not call me back. Think about how that made me feel! 😂 I did ask God to close all doors but the right one.
And really, to be called without an interview, just my online application, resume, cover letter, assessments, and told I have a job if I want it in my availability, at a pretty good rate of pay ($11 an hour), not bad. I feel it was a God thing to be given favor like that.
So I got home about 2 hours after I left last night, because traffic was heavy and I didn't make a connection. But I did get home before the rain, I was able to sit at 2 bus stops, I felt comfortable, so not too bad.
The cats were happy to see me but not distraught. Biscuit was a little annoyed he had eaten all his food but he did not seem distressed (I worry about him with the bladder thing and it has been a lot of stress for every creature in my house this year). I brush Baby Girl every day and am getting a little petting routine down with Spotty. Cleo and Torbie sleep with me, it's very nice. I am glad they are all handling things OK. It has been a lot of change for all of us this year.
But I am using the same food, same litter, litter boxes in same place. Ron died and I cleaned out Ron's room (looking back I probably should have waited a while on that, for the cats). Same Heather. Same treats. More love than ever from me.
I was so tired last night but I finally got to sleep, slept great, woke up at 3 AM with a POUNDING migraine. I took some Excedrin and went back to sleep. I can only sleep after Excedrin with a migraine, that's how I knew it was legit. I had to laugh at it happening on my day off as that's what happened with the vending business, almost always my day off. I took some more at 7, got up, did my God Time, took a shower, started feeling better around 10. Then I paid the water bill and sent the email to my aunt. All my other bills are paid so nothing to worry about.
My aunt felt terrible she was poking around Ron's cell account (she has my permission to get into all the business) and the company sent Ron's phone a text. She called very upset and afraid it would upset me. I had the phone off so I didn't care. So I helped her it got a couple more texts from the cell company and I was giving her the codes. I am fine doing this.
My cell company you are one day late and they shut off your phone. Ron's they added a fee to his bill and have racked up $90 in charges in the last 2 months. I would have sworn they would just cut it off but [company] has had Ron for 20 years and I guess they weren't going to let him go easy. I am sure she will get it fixed.
I was looking around at his call history and we had a lot of calls back and forth to each other, but not many else. I did find that comforting.
Happily sales tax did go through on the commercial account, so we can close it out after the last payment to the blind vendors. My name's on the account so I can do that. It's not a ton of money but will cover expenses for a month or so.
Now I am good on checking my mail for another week or so. Bills paid. Headache pretty much gone, praise God.
I have laundry in the dryer I did a week's worth this morning. I already hung up some of it. I got a couple really nice pairs of pants at the thrift shop about a month ago. One was a pair of Catherine's slacks in 24WP (really hard to find at a thrift shop), they are nice for work. They can dress up or down, they are the 5 pocket style but not denim.
At work I can wear any kind of slack/pant within reason (no rips, not skin tight, no leggings). I have a couple pair of comfy jeans already so I don't need to buy new clothes. And I can wear any kind of solid color top and I have a lot of those. So I don't have to buy new clothes. I had plain black sneakers and those have proven fine to wear. I have 2 pair so I can rotate them.
And, the advantage of riding the bus I am walking over a mile every day I work, now. That can only help my health.
Well, I start at Walmart in a couple of hours. Should be interesting. I am dressed conservatively I would rather be a little too conservative vs. too wild to start. Not that I have any wild clothes. My aunt is going to give me a ride, she should be here pretty soon.
Called insurance company (homeowner's policy) and they said we will have to send a copy of the death certificate to them. So I will have my aunt do that. He was nice (customer service guy) but a little awkward when I told him Ron had died.
A little anxious I will be glad when my aunt gets here. She is giving me a ride. She does live a ways away and wasn't expecting to help me this soon, I think, so I will be patient. I just don't want to be late my first day. I still have a couple of hours, I guess I will feel better when the car is in my driveway.
I told my pa...
Short version, I lived, I have to leave again pretty soon for my second day but I made it through the first.
I got an acceptance letter from Walmart a few days ago so I will be delicate. I did not get my groceries last night but a very nice man delivered them today.
I forget that about Texan men; they feel doing the physical labor is "their" job and get highly offended if I help. I am not used to that. Even when Ron was just blind it was often easier to lug the groceries myself. I suppose my next man, if I acquire one some years from now, will be like that as well. I should get more gracious about accepting.
He did take the bottle of cold water (I took it out of the fridge and had it in the freezer for about 20 minutes before he came so it was CHILLY) and a little cash tip.
I need to get more small bills from my bank tomorrow.
I didn't sleep very well last night but got enough sleep. Pretty depressed this morning but I hauled my ass outta bed and into the shower. I didn't shave my legs, though. They were a little bristly to the touch but I felt OK for hanging out at home.
I did do my God Time (was in the middle of intercessory prayer aka "Praying for YOU") when the groceries arrived, once I got the cold things put away I finished. I was happy they had everything but the Diet Caffeine Free Coke, which is a specialty item to say the least. Happily "my" Walmart, the one I'll be working out of, has a nice assortment of drink mixes so I will stay supplied.
But really the delivery drama was my fault. Don't order on a holiday weekend, especially late at night. As it is I will be working weekends so I will by default be placing my orders on weekdays. I will feel better when I get my time for orientation. But I did get an acceptance letter. "Your Walmart Offer Letter". And did what I needed to get going on background check,, it just takes a while.
But I really don't like being unemployed. I would rather work weekends and nights (well late swing shift 2 nights a week, weekend days) at Walmart (with a discount!) than sit on my ass at home waiting for a cushy office job.
So I will be glad to start. I am not afraid of hard work.
A good example; the mustard story. For a couple of years Ron and I (prior to accident) had a deli on site at the Post Office sorting facility. It was not built up to code and really not adequate for good food safety. No mop sink, only a single sink instead of a 3 compartment as required by law, etc. Anyway we had some cold food we sold, some frozen items we could heat up in one of our microwaves and slap on a bun, etc. Anyway, we needed condiments for all this so we bought gallon jars of everything.
One day Ron was bringing in a delivery (back when he could walk) on the mag-liner (big metal cart) and took the turn wrong, a gallon of mustard fell off the cart and cracked open. It was plastic. We had a gallon of mustard all over the floor. A custodian saw all this and watched with disinterest.
I went and got a mop and bucket, filled it up with water (I had to enter the custodian area to do this) brought it back, cleaned off Ron's shoes and the tires on the cart so he could take everything else into the deli and get it put up (keep cold food cold!). Then I went to work mopping up the gallon of mustard as this guy gaped at me.
I finished up, took the mop and bucket back to the storeroom, emptied the bucket, rinsed the mop and stored it properly (with the head in the air). Then I went back to the deli because I had a business to run. The custodian was still there watching me. "You know" he said "You did my job".
"I know" I responded, and went back to work. I do what needs doing, I always have.
To be honest that is one reason I never pursued a career at the Post Office after Ron died. I didn't like the culture and that is all I will say. I believe in giving my employer a good day's work.
If they WANT me to sit on my ass and stare at a wall I will do it, but if there is something that needs doing I am happy to help as long as I am trained for it. That's just how I roll [shrug].
Ron used to tell a story of his dad, a carpenter. He helped build a lot of downtown. He did wonderful work I wish you could have seen his doghouse, it had a pitched, shingled, roof, electricity, windows, and a door. It was lovely work, and he did that in his 70's. He loved gardening as well.
Anyway, one day he's up on a scaffold 3 stories up and he fell. He landed on something, got up, and went back to work. That's just how he worked. Ron had that work ethic. Hopefully so do I. If I remarry my next husband will have that work ethic.
I will certainly enjoy my days off, though. Happily everyone I love is retired so we can easily work out visits on my schedule.
About the only things I need to do urgently today are the cat boxes. But I will get them. However, I just ate and took my medication I don't like to bend over a lot scooping boxes right after I ate. Plus I had some V-8 with it which has proven a little acidic. I am going to let things settle a bit.
I like the V-8 because it is an easy way to get a lot of vegetables onboard. I think it didn't agree with the mayo on my turkey sandwich. I like a lot of mayo (something I get from my Dad), despise mustard, so I put a couple tablespoons on the bread. The cheapo brand generic bread is fine for my purposes, yesterday I had a good grilled cheese with it.
The stomach virus is still rampaging at my aunt's house, it got her husband. I suspect it is a Norovirus. She has already had it and recovered so I should be OK seeing her tomorrow.
I need to run to my bank and the Post office, pick up my medication. I did send an email to my congressional representative, telling her about the mailbox problem and how I have to beg rides to the post office as I am "disabled, widowed, non-driving, and low-income". Hopefully that paints me in a sympathetic light. Probably makes me sound much older but that can't be helped. Hopefully that will get the ball rolling she is a tough cookie and this is the only thing I've asked.
It is just inertia, someone needs a push to get the ball rolling. But it will happen.
In the meantime I will keep handing out my bags of candy with the scripture booklets. About that, I had one for my driver today. He was delayed, to say the least (not anyone's fault). So I got my prayer notebook and I said to myself "The Devil has a choice. He can either let me evangelize the driver or he can listen to me pray for everyone, which is worse to him?" And as it turns out he didn't like the prayer because my driver came after about 15 minutes (takes me about half an hour).
Finally over the migraine, it was a bad one. I took some Phenergan in the middle of the night and that helped me sleep.
I am still tired but I didn't sleep well, that's OK.
And I was thinking, I am so tired of being disgusted with my in-laws, I decided to write them a letter. I will not mail it, only 2 of them left, Ron's brother and sister. Of course her sons but they are incidental to this.
You never liked me from the time Ron first called to told me you had met. The first time we met you snuck up on Ron like a criminal and went "Aha" when I judged you as being a bad guy. When I went to visit in Houston you judged me more and let me know I would never be good enough for your family.
Even Ron used to say things like "They had better like you, if I have to choose I will pick them". So I ran around sucking up to you, kissing butt. I remember one Christmas I made you all handmade candles and you didn't even say thank you, then, a month later, asked me to make more of the candles because "You liked the scent after all", still never saying thank you. And Ron used to say I wasn't "good enough" to have the family name, when we fought.
Then the accident. I understood you didn't want to take care of him. You had been burned out on Rufus although that was done with selfish motives, taking care of a dying old man in hopes of getting a big settlement from his estate. Well, that sure backfired on your parents, didn't it? They didn't get any money so they figured why bother helping anyone. Including their own son.
Thank God he did not have Medicare or you would have stuck him in a facility and only seen him for 10 minutes a couple times a year, probably wouldn't have let me visit either. But I knew a secret: Ron always did better when I was around. So I hung onto that and did whatever I could to help him.
And that's where we clashed, you wanted the lazy, easy, way out. As Helen told me "I don't want to wipe anyone's butt" to which I replied "I will take care of that, all I need is a ride now and then". But no, you wanted him out of your hair, out of your life. If I took him and cared for him myself that would make you look bad, and you couldn't have that.
For people who gossiped a lot you sure hated to be talked about. I find that rich. You thought you would be sympathetic figures if you put him in a nursing home, and a bad guy if you left him with me. And no one ever bothered to ask Ron what he wanted, except his Dad. And Ron said he wanted to go home with me.
So he did but not before you backstabbed me and talked a bunch of trash to the hospital workers about me. And they laughed in your face because they had seen me there, 24/7 for weeks.
Ron was so upset at first you wouldn't talk to him, he used to call and leave messages, beg you to talk. You refused. Then he believed me, he hadn't up to that point, that you wanted to put him in a nursing home to get out of helping me. So other people helped me and we did just fine for over 18 years.
At the end of it he didn't need you, didn't even invite you to the wedding. Because we knew you would show up, gossip, and try to ruin our day. And we didn't want that. We did invite Ron's dad who had to make an excuse why he "couldn't" come.
I feel bad for him, he wanted to help but you wouldn't let him. And when he had problems from Parkinson's I have no doubt you called him "crazy" before you put him in a nursing home. He had done everything to take care of you and you just threw him out. Then when your mother needed help you threw her away too.
And what have your kids learned? Those of you who have kids - they've learned to throw you away when you need help because no one deserves any help. I understand there are times you can't help, Ron at the end was getting to that point, where I worried leaving him alone, but at least I TRIED for 18 years, and he was still living at home when he did die. I have no regrets about the time I spent on him, it was a growing experience for both of us.
But you? You're the worst kind of trash. I am sorry I ever met you. I hope you get exactly what you dished out and end up in the WORST sort of hellhole when you get feeble. But Jesus died for you and I pray for your salvation everyday and continue to pray for the strength to forgive you.
Only God can love you; I am working with Him to get His love for you because I have none of my own. You broke Ron's heart and he always called me a Mama bear. I couldn't care less about what you did to me but I have a hard time forgiving what you did to him.
Enjoy the harvest you have coming.
Heather (good enough for the last name after all).
Didn't sleep well, anxiety about new job. Woke up with a drilling migraine above my right eye. I have had my eye pressure tested it is not glaucoma; rather, a menstrual migraine. I get a really bad headache "the day of" these days as I transition out of fertility.
And I am OK with that. Lately now and then I do think it might have been nice to have Ron's child so I have a piece of him still, but he/she would have been born blind and Ron did not want that. And I did not want the family curse (mental illness) being passed down either. So I am still OK not having had kids.
And I do have Baby Girl who Ron loved like a daughter. She is 9 though, pretty old for a cat.
I was able to do my God Time and pray for everyone (including you), so happy I did that at least. I feel pretty horrible but I would be able to work. I don't want to take the Fioricet as it has barbituate in it and I may be drug tested. Yes, they would "excuse" it but I would rather not have it out there I have to take that kind of pain killer. If they read here oh well I did say I could work.
So my cycle is due about this time anyway and I did ovulate so I know it's coming. Based on the headache I would say: today.
Other than that it has been a pretty quiet and uneventful day. Spotty did get up in bed with me when I laid down for a while. He was very cute. I saw Cleo at breakfast but not recently, the other cats are scattered around the house like dirty clothes.
I didn't sleep well last night, anxious about the new job. And Tobie was hogging most of the bed. I got up around 7, took my shower, did my God Time. I went out front with my tablet (Christmas gift from Dad) and read Richard Wurmbrand for a while. I came back in, ate (tuna salad with hardboiled egg), took my pills, went back out. This time I played some music on the tablet while reading. I did that until I realized my battery was down to 38%. Also had to acknowledge that while inspiring, the story was very depressing, and I haven't even got to the part where they break his feet and beat them with a baton after. I took a brief nap I didn't need much.
My adoptive Mom got her gift, a mug with cardinals on it. She loves cardinals (birds not the team).
The pharmacy didn't get my medication so I'm not going, clearly. Haven't heard anything from Walmart today but they are working on my background check. The grocery store (wanted me to work the deli) did one and it came back fine so I am not worried.
I talked to my aunt for a little while. The legal aid office will be discussing my case today and hopefully take my case pro bono. I hope I am a sympathetic case. We will see. If I had known I'd have to go through all this I would have just had Ron put me on the account. But I thought it would be easy to get the money. Boy, was I wrong.
So that is brewing right now I sure hope they take my case, but Gods will whatever that is. The cats are good, I brushed Baby Girl (the other cats don't need it). The treat lovers all got some treats. I have the munchies but don't know what it is I want. I have eaten pretty well today, the tuna salad, a nice chunk of cheddar.
About that it is a bad idea to freeze natural cheddar cheese. It gets very crumbly when you thaw it. Or so I have discovered. It is still good but it is jut 800 little bits versus a nice chunk. It would be good for cooking, though.
I will figure it out... a good snack. I will be glad when Walmart finishes the background check and I get an email about orientation.
Slept HORRIBLE, up early, did lots of job hunting stuff. Today was fast food day. So far I have done CVS, AT&T, Walgreens, a high end hotel, (Joe V's, Fiesta, Kroger, Randalls all grocery stores), McDonalds, Jack in the Box, Wendy's, etc.
Next I will do Advance Auto Parts, 7-11, and Popeyes. Someone is bound to bite sooner or later. I have no idea where I end up: but it will be God's will for me. I will thrive at my next job. I will be a valued asset to my employer.
Tomorrow lots of fun slog through city and county career websites.
So I did that after I did my God Time and prayer. Very important. When I finished the morning's work I took a break and read a book by Richard Wurmbrand. It's a good book but the guy was tortured and starved, not easy reading when I am recovering from losing Ron.
I got a mystifying text from the pharmacy and called them. The pharmacist picked up and asked if I would be getting anything for Ron while I was there, I had to tell her he died. That was a very large shock to her. She called me back about 5 minutes later saying they didn't have enough (medication) would I be OK for a day or two? I said yes I had a couple weeks' done up in my pill box and she was happy. So probably getting my medicine tomorrow.
I know God has my back and, if nothing else, all the job-hunting does keep me busy. And I am saying the things all employers want to hear, I can work nights and weekends, that is all fine for me. I don't have a personal life. Well, not much.
Everyone I love now is retired so I can meet up with them anytime. My neighbors are pretty quiet if I end up working nights. Speaking of, #6 had a dead plant out at the curb this morning, and another plant in her hand when she was unloading her van from the grocery store. They are always killing plants but they keep trying.
It was a little cool for my taste but the kind of weather most natives love, low 70's, a breeze, sunny.
Didn't sleep well last night. Kept waking up. Featuring nightmares about drowning...woke up early and just got up.
1. I used to have health insurance with Blue Cross. They are being sued for ripping people off and I filed a claim, hopefully I will get something. They have a large fund to pay settlements. God knows I could use it. Over the years they would send me random checks for no discernable reason I always deposited them, and they were good. I feel like they owe me some money as I was paying over $500 a month - money I could not afford and could have gone into a fund for times like this - but hindsight is 20/20. Am I a litigious person? No. Will I take a settlement? Yes.
2. I am on Nextdoor, I don't have the app but I do get notices when something happens in my area. Woman on there asking for money, someone died in a car wreck and "insurance didn't give us enough money for the funeral". When Ron got hurt minimum insurance paid $20K. [Edit: looked it up, legal minimum is 30K for personal injury now] That is plenty enough money to dispose of a body. Unless you want the lavish funeral with the doves and the fancy coffin and the headstone which will all get paved over in a couple hundred years anyway.... I just gave the name of the cremation place and the price ($800), said his urn cost $86 with tax from Amazon. But if they are Catholic they are "not allowed" to cremate. Which is stupid. We all turn to ash/dust eventually I had NO problem cremating Ron. He also told me he did not want to be embalmed so that didn't happen. I was very happy to sign the form to cremate when I saw it said "I understand [loved one] will NOT be embalmed".
I DO understand: everyone grieves differently. Some people want to think of the loved one in a satin coffin with a pillow and their favorite coffee mug. I get that. But think of all the money that could be saved for the living! Especially if you are a believer "Absent from the body is home with the Lord" (Bible verse). Ron is HOME. It is only his ashes on the bookcase. And yes, it does make me feel better to have the ashes around and know they are in a nice place with some candles and a portrait. But I could afford that (with help).
Me, I didn't want to think about Ron being embalmed, or decomposing. I just find those concepts horrifying. It was bad enough they had to do the autopsy. I totally get they had to do that, but I don't like them opening his body like that. All I will say as some of you may be (blissfully) ignorant what goes on during that. It's icky.
So I am glad I at least told them about cremation they may not have considered that. My friend Larry had no idea cremation was so reasonable he was used to paying thousands per funeral. You could cremate the loved one and (if you live in Houston) have a nice week at the finest resort in Galveston eating deluxe foods for a week to celebrate your loved one, for the cost of a traditional funeral. I think that would be more honoring, personally.
But that is just me and why I don't work in the funeral home industry. And I'm cheap, I admit it. Here I used fake flowers for my wedding bouquet and then repurposed them for Ron's little memorial corner.
I'm done with that; next after I do this blog I will apply at some fast food places. I can't be too proud. Any honest work is "good" work. It will be nice not feeling like the weight of the business is on my back, "Don't screw up, Heather, or it all comes crashing to a halt!" It will be nice to just go in and punch my clock. I will give them good effort during my shift of course because the Bible says to work for your boss as though working for Jesus, knowing you will please Jesus by doing so (paraphrased).
I did NOT screw up Mother's day. I had considered getting one of those pop up cards but didn't, I didn't want to make my aunt go to the post office twice in one day (get my mail, go to Walmart, get a card, go back to mail it). She doesn't read this... so I went to Amazon. She loves cardinals. I found a cardinal tumbler for her, the double layer kind you can put an icy drink... looked really cute so I got her that.
Interestingly enough cardinals are supposed to be emissaries from the dead letting you know the soul is thinking about you. Curious as I have a nesting pair on my block, and see both male and female frequently. Do I think they have anything to do with Ron? Absolutely not. Jesus described it as "a great gulf" between the dead and the living. And the mediums are playing with demons not your loved one.
But she will get something I think she can actually use. It will last longer than flowers at least, or chocolate. She has some food issues and I think chocolate is out anyway.
That's it for this morning. It is only 8 and I already did my God Time, got online. More later.
Not a good start to my day, up all night restless toss and turn...got up took my shower did my God Time, fed the cats (not in that order). I gave them a can. I tend to give them canned food when I am having a really bad day so at least someone in the house has a good day.
So. Did all that. Internet was DOWN. [curses] Which means no wi-fi for my cell phone, so no zoom with my doc. We did a regular call, he was very sorry to hear about Ron but said I sounded "stable". I was happy enough to hear that. We both agreed we would not be changing my medication. He was happy with my blood test results but did chide me about the triglycerides.
So, done with that. Still no internet. Depressed, now. My aunt comes and we go to the Post Office. And I got 2 cards, one from my cousin's wife and one from my secret pal. Both were very nice and gift cards always welcome! I had just used up my Little C's card so happy to get a new one. And I love Arby's. We went out to lunch at the Waffle House. We went to the house, I took my pills (having had my big meal for the day) and decided to go out again. I actually asked my aunt to go somewhere with me as I was having a bad day for depression. So we went to Walmart and then we went to Bath and Body works. I had a gift card for them.
They were having a sale on hand soap. I got 3 bottles, one of rose, one of lemon (will go in kitchen) and one in lilac. I also got a tube of very fancy rose hand cream with shea butter. That did it for the card, but I was happy. We went back home.
We had also, while out, added my aunt to my bank account so she gets what is in there if something happens to me. It took a while but I feel good about having done that. That way there won't be any problems or need for legal documents should something happen.
And I just have an odd feeling something will happen. So that's done. She has everything to my life but I am OK with that she is very reliable and honest.
At home, I cleaned up Baby Girl, she had another mat. I managed to work it out and she seemed happy when I did. After I finished I gave her some treats and then brushed her. She liked that. I will just do that daily. That kind of fell by the wayside after Ron, but he would want me to care for his cat. My cat, now.
Torbie couldn't understand why Baby Girl got treats and she didn't, even though I explained 😂 Baby Girl was good about letting me groom her. Baby Girl is a good natured cat. Torbie isn't always agreeable about that sort of thing. But Torbie did sleep with me last night and was very soft and cute by my pillow. She did get some "cuteness treats" throughout the day.
It was pretty warm today and I ran the A/C some. I finally got my internet back, obviously. So happy about that. No important emails.
Tomorrow will be rather discouraging, I apply at a gas station and a fried chicken place. But I have bills to pay.
Speaking of bills I had the joy of opening my homeowner's insurance bill and a bargain price of $1,700 and change. OUCH. But they do pay claims so can't argue about that.
Dad said he would call me, he has a friend over now and then to watch movies on the big screen. Today's the day for that and it's a movie theater experience because Dad has a really big TV. Good for him, I mean that. And I can wait. Biscuit is good, I snuck him a few Temptations, and Spotty got some petting. I have seen Cleo today but she is a little skittish because my aunt was over and used the bathroom (bathroom in the back of the house, not far from the bed Cleo likes to hide under).
I plan to go outside and sit in the fresh air for a while. It is a nice day I like it like this, about 85, humid, sunny. That's one reason I moved here.
OK. I slept in until 8, I am still waking up around 3 every night that is getting old. I may try a walk in the morning after my shower and see if that helps. I recall sleeping better when I worked out.
Then I got on the job hunt. It went like this: find a company, click on their "careers" job, see if they had anything that would work. If they did upload resume and fill out application. Then sent to "skills assessment" which takes quite a while.
I get why they do all this. They want to make sure the applicant can work a computer, is clever enough to figure it out, savvy enough to pass the test, social, hard worker, dedicated, patient, not a serial killer or antisocial. I get that. It doesn't make the process fun.
And they say things like "Don't think about your answers" easier said than done. Every question, and there were many today, I wondered what they thought was the "right" answer.
One company asked a lot of questions do I follow orders, I do. I said that. I wouldn't want a defiant employee blazing their own path. The way I see it you are paying me to do what you tell me to do (as long as it is not a sex act, or illegal). For a caregiver job that might be cleaning a litter box even though it wasn't in the job description. If it needs to be done, I'll do it. Was that "right"? We'll see.
Another company, can't say who because I clicked a non disclosure agreement, wanted to know my level of ambition. What is more important, money or family? Etc. Money is important but it just pays the bills. It won't keep you out of hell only God can do that. There wasn't a box for that answer. Apparently I am not ambitious enough because they sent me an email saying I had failed the assessment. Well, I wasn't crazy about the company anyway. I also applied at yet another grocery store for "front end" work (no deli please I am terrified of meat slicers). Plenty of seeds out there, we will see who sprouts.
I had to battle depression and discouragement as well because job hunting is just HARD. I was at an OK level missing Ron but the job hunt is brutal on me.
I have a couple other ideas as well. There is a gas station near me has been hiring off and on for a while. And there is a chicken place right on the bus line. I am not a proud woman, if I have to walk around smelling like fried chicken I am OK with it. It's honest work and fried chicken makes people happy. I could get behind that.
But a long rough day. I am glad that is done. I played my word game for a little bit, and some solitaire (about 20 minutes). I think it is good to exercise my brain without becoming a brainless idiot. There is a happy place and I think I have it. I may ask Doc about it tomorrow. Might be good for bus rides come to think, once I am confident in my stop.
So that was it for the day. I did not take a nap, or try, today hoping for a better night of sleep tonight. I will be getting up around 6:30 tomorrow to get ready for my appointment. I did get outside for some fresh air now and then, about 10 minutes at a stretch then back in the house for more job hunting. The cats are good I gave them a few treats but not too many.
So not going to do a video blog because I put my hair regrowth foam and it is doing odd things to my part.
Just a rough day. I slept OK but had a very sad dream about a little fluttering bird before I woke up. Got up, fed the cats. Shower (did not need to shave legs), God Time. Got all that done. Bible study this morning said focus on letting God fill you with joy, not easy - well, in my circumstances. At least the cats are good. I was sitting out front and another huge dog roaming the neighborhood... poor Biscuit (with me) his eyes were huge. I said "Come on" got up and he RAN to the front door, I opened it and he bolted inside. I don't blame him. I think it was just a pet got out in the rain yesterday. I don't see it anymore so not worried. But I did come inside because I just don't know.
I know God has my back. I know God has a plan. I have faith in His plan. I know God is working all things for good. I know God has a place for me to work (assuming we don't have a very short timeline to rapture). I know God does not want me to "be strong" in my own strength but to lean on Him for support. I know He has gotten me though everything in my life thus far. I know God will be with me no matter where I end up. I know God is building me into a better daughter through this, a better human being, evangelist, prayer warrior. I know this; I believe it 1000%
I am just scared and sad. I miss my husband, I worry how I will pay the bills when the money runs out. If I will ever find a job. I worry my aunt will get sick of helping me. I worry the bank won't let me have Ron's money and I won't get to keep the house after all. A lot of worries, if I let them. I try to only worry about 1-2 things at a time and only for a few minutes.
Ugh I have a DRILLING pain above one eye, stress I think. I made an icy cold lemonade, took a couple aspirin, and used my essential oil roll on. I have mixed results with the roll on. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. It's never hurt me though. I don't want to take Excedrin I have enough anxiety without adding 130 mg of stimulant caffeine.
So I am taking today off job hunting. I did bleach out my favorite plastic cup with straw it was starting to get an off flavor. So that is drying. A little bleach water down the pipes won't hurt anything.
I am just worn out this is a really hard road and frankly something I never let myself imagine. I had considered leaving Ron on a couple of occasions, back in 2011, late 2019. I didn't think he would ever stop the verbal abuse. But he did, it took him becoming bed bound and totally dependent but he did stop that and became a decent, appreciative, husband. Pretty rough way for both of us though.
I was really beating myself up over the house, needed to be swept. I felt like I had to sweep, mop, all of it. I decided to take small bites and sweep one room at a time, got it all done and even cleaned the toilet. So glad I got that just - Saturday - so really sad again. I think a part of it the Fire Department is about a mile away and I have heard the sirens a couple times today. Whenever I hear fire truck sirens I wonder if they ran them on Ron's case. I don't recall hearing them. But then again I had just found my husband dead.
So, fire trucks on a Saturday are hard and there have been a lot of calls today. :(
I am eating right, aside from a handful of sour gummy worms I had plenty of protein and 4 servings of vegetables, plenty of fluids to stay hydrated.
Just a bad day for depression and being unemployed does not help. When I was a teenager I made up a slang phrase I put in my diary "ET" for "emotionally tired". That's it today.
Don't get me wrong, if an employer is reading this, I want to work, it takes my mind off my troubles. It is just killing me to sit around the house.
