"I know that wasn't pretty"

Tough day today. 

How tough, you might ask, could it be?  You had the day off.  You didn't have a headache (praise God!). 

Depression.  I had a hell of a time just dragging myself into the shower when I did.  First I did my God Time, ate a snack, and took my medication. 

I thought of going to a grocery store a while back, it's right on the bus line.  A grocery store on a single bus line (no transfers) is the holy grail of public transit.  I thought it might bear investigating. 

I've been hearing of a lot of people dying in their 60's, and that scares me.  Ron is in his 60's and "doesn't take care of himself".  His parents and grandparents were very long lived, his one grandfather didn't live an easy life but still died in his 90's. 

I worry about that a lot.  If Ron dies, so does my transportation.  Have you ever been nearly entirely dependent on another person for your transportation?  I am. 

I decided to go check out the store, there is one in the other direction but it's Asian and has a lot of not-on-plan items and strange vegetables. 

However, if I'm in the mood for weird little green eggplant, I know where to go. 

We'll call that the manic grocery store. 

Anyway, I went to the traditional one.  It's in a "bad" area but it's right on the bus line and that kind of trumps all. 

On my way to the bus stop, I saw a young man passed out on the side of the road.  Lying on the ground. 

No, I did not think of "The Good Samaritan".  I thought how often young men his age have tried to rob me or hustle me for money.  I thought he might be faking to get people close, then rob them.  I thought, most strongly, he was probably an addict. 

I am not a fan of addicts.  God is working on me with this but safe to say they have done me a tremendous amount of harm.  About the only nice thing I can say: the guy who ran over Ron was sober. 

I figured (accurately, as it turns out) he was an addict and passed out from his drugs.  I crossed to the other side of the street and went to the bus stop, ignoring him. 

If I'd been with an able bodied man I would have most likely stopped, but it has been my experience to let sleeping addicts lie, they can get violent if disturbed.  I had no desire to disturb someone with slack body posture and purposeful movements. 

He wasn't yelling or asking for help, either. 

Eventually someone pulled over, after I had Ron call him an ambulance.  The paramedics had a relaxed and casual body posture as they got him on the gurney and into the van.  Eventually they left, no lights, no siren, which means no urgency. 

I think it is safe to conclude he was just intoxicated.  Yes, it could have been his blood sugar, which is why I had Ron call an ambulance, but I cannot emphasize how strongly I have learned the lesson: Don't disturb a passed-out addict. 

I stand by what I did, even though I'm sure it makes me look like a bitch.  I WAS worried about my personal safety.  That's why I stayed on the phone with Ron until the bus arrived. 

About 20 minutes later, I got to the intersection.  A young man, having some drama on his phone, passed me as I left the bus.  Later on I saw him sprinting across the road and running down the street.   Why, I'm not sure.  He was sure running like he stole something. 

I went to the donut shop (OK low carbers you probably want to skip this next bit).  I got an apple fritter and ate that with some chocolate milk, taking my medication. 

I was still horribly depressed and decided to "reward" myself for making it this far. 

Then I went to the grocery store.  Ron wanted Teriyaki sauce and a bag of chips.  I got some tuna, spices, etc.  I also had a look at the meat prices.  They had my very favorite meat cut ever: boneless chicken thighs.  So good!  I didn't buy any because I didn't have my insulated bag. 

I also doubted my "spark" to prepare them, do all the dishes, and freeze the leftovers. 

A hairdresser tried to give me his card and begged me to come to his salon.  I told him no, but thank you.  I knew my hair looked bad, standing in the wind for 30 minutes.  I told him to keep the card because I knew they were expensive. 

I came home.  I only had to wait 5 minutes.  The bus went all the way to my subdivision (some of them don't).  I got off the bus with my "bus buddy".  We ride the bus together sometimes and always get off at the same stop.  We small talk now and then. 

He pretended to applaud me after I ran across the street "I know that wasn't pretty" I told him. 

I went home.  I gave Ron his stuff and took a nap.  My cycle is full blown today (I tend to have spotting before and after now) so I took some aleve and took a nap. 

I had a pretty good nap but I'm still tired. 

Oh, I hate depression.  I hate anxiety. 

I will be glad when Jesus comes to fix this.