Friday, March 18, 2016

I am human

I wish I could remember what had Ron laughing so hard, earlier.  I think it was something about the cats.  "Oh" He gasped with laughter "You have to put this in your blog". 

I'm sorry.  :( 

I slept OK but I woke up with yet another headache.  I took some headache pills and did my God Time.  I didn't have enough time after that for a shower, but I looked OK and it was my day off. 

I worry some future employer will read this and conclude I am "nasty".  I don't skip a shower on a work day.  Ever.  That's why I'll always work as long as I can. 

Oh, I have been freaking out about an assortment of various issues, including "What happens to me if Ron dies?"  Well, he's going to go when God takes him, no sooner. 

After he came back, he told me, while he was dead, God told him the next time Ron "saw" Him we'd be together.  Considering some of the people we ride with that doesn't surprise me.  If someone hit us on the passenger side we'd both "go". 

I pretty much shot my career in the head when I went to work for Ron, 15 years ago.  I don't regret that but if something happened to him I would have a problem.  I can't imagine anyone wanting a non-driving assistant vending manager. 

Housing.  I can't pass an apartment complex without wondering what I'd do if I lost the house somehow.  What about the cats?  Exhausting. 

Now, as a Christian, I'm supposed to turn all this over to God, don't worry, be happy, etc.  I do that to the best of my ability but I am human.

Anxiety levels are always worse when I have caffeine on board.  I hate that.  I can have a headache, or I can be anxious.  At least I don't have both. 

This is a much darker post than I'd planned.  I often don't know what I'm going to write until I sit down at my chair. 

So, Ron gave me today off, we will work tomorrow. 

It didn't rain, again, today.  Sounds like a line in poem.  I rolled up the blinds because I was worried about them in the "thunderstorms".  It's sunny out.  Sunny.  They really bobbled the forecast this week. 

I am sorry for the Dallas area and all the severe weather damage they had.  Oh, that's another big one, what if something happens to the house? 

Ugh.  You get the idea. 

Saddest, I'm NOT the only one dealing with this.  I think it would be easier to be the only person on the planet (that would be another good blog title), then to know I am sharing my illness, and problems, with millions of other humans. 

I can't imagine how they deal with it in very poor countries with no medication.  I'm not talking about the top of the line drugs, sleeping pills, or even anti-anxiety drugs, but basic things like antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics. 

Life is hard enough with.  I can't imagine living without.  Actually, I did, for 32 years. 

The other day I was walking at Walmart, with Ron sitting in the kiddie cart.  I stopped and looked at my leg.  "Invisible bugs are back" I told him plainly. 


"Feels like a big roach on my ankle, but it isn't". 

Well, that's my life. 

At least I don't get delusions anymore.  I don't talk about them at all.  I only had a few anyway. 

An example, I viewed Ron as a life-sucking parasite who wouldn't be happy until he'd made me utterly miserable.  That wasn't all untrue, and you have to remember this happened during a lot of binge drinking and blackouts on his part. 

That's another one that could keep me up at night.  No medication.  If something happened to Doc I'm sure I could find another doctor.  It might take a little time, but I would. 

Ron drinking to blackouts, again.  His back is a mess, what if he fell wrong? 

I could go on. 

Anyway, we went to Walmart.  Ron had to call and adjust the trip a few times.  We got there and he complained he'd have to ride in the kiddie cart.

"Do you want to sit up front?" I asked him "And make special friends?"  Both Ron and the driver laughed. 

One time I finished shopping to find Ron sitting next to a mentally ill, unwashed, manic, person who was babbling away a mile a minute.  Their hair looked as if they'd combed it with a blender.  Ron was pretty happy to see me. 

You can find some very odd people waiting on the benches up front at Walmart.  Or you find the people who put their crap all over the bench and don't leave room for anyone to sit, even someone with an obvious disability. 

One time Ron asked why he couldn't sit on the bench.  "Because she won't move her bags!" I said loudly.  She moved one bag.  I gave her a look.  She moved a couple more.  Then I sat Ron down. 

Of course she didn't leave any room for me, and the seat can hold 3-4 people.  Oh, well.  The bags were a lot more important, of course. 

People do that on the bus, and paratransit.  On paratransit the purse gets it's own seat, the dialysis bag another.  Or so they try.  Bus riders aren't stupid enough to put their purse out by itself on a seat, but they'll put other bags in the seat next to them. 

Considering I had an awful incident (with a white guy, no less) with a man who kept rubbing his leg against mine, called me "Little Heather" and actually had me pulling the cord and getting off before my stop, I get it, but if the bus is getting crowded, and it's me, I'm not a pervert, you can "let" me sit next to you. 

Really, me?  I look like exactly what I am, a middle aged, plump, matronly, knitting, cat lady.  I am only dangerous if you have an allergy to cats.  I think I have a nice smile and I behave myself. 

Another thing that bugs me, are the people who stand up by the driver, on the bus, talking to him and blocking the aisle for people who want to board or depart.  You have to brush past them and they act annoyed when you do. 

Well, if you don't want strangers rubbing up against you, go sit in a proper seat. 

I don't care if they do it when the bus is full, of course you have to stand in the aisle, but when 3 people are riding you don't need to stand by the driver. 

It's easy to see how they would be that lonely.  On some bus routes, skimpily-clad young women do that with the driver, hoping to attract the attention of a well-paid breadwinner.  Sometimes it works. 

The bus is also the only conveyance where they don't need a seatbelt, or a child safety seat.  And the drivers are good enough - skilled enough - that I don't worry about my safety. 

So, I got Ron loaded into the kiddie cart and off we went. 

First stop, Tylenol.  Yes, I know it's horrible for his liver, especially with drinking, but he won't listen to me. 

Ron also needed batteries, which we got.  Hearing aid and regular AAA.  Needless to say, Ron paid for all that.  I got some breakfast bars and TV dinners, enough to fill up our tiny freezer. 

I want to have something easy at hand for meals.  I have that now. 

About the only other thing I got for "me" was an ergonomic J-hook (crochet).  I need to dig that up. 

I didn't buy any yarn or any other "fun" items, so I feel a little cheated.  But I have enough to eat and I got Biscuit some num-nums. 

When we got home, I took my pills (my hands have been shaking a lot lately, but that just means my lithium level is OK) and yanked out the pull-out.  "It is spring break" I told Ron. 

I had a pretty good nap on the pullout, but I woke up with another headache.  That one was whacked with a cold Diet Dr Pepper and a couple of aspirin. 

Biscuit had a good nap going on the pullout himself, he was stretched quite comfortably.  I left him there and stepped over the pullout to do my work. 

I got online for a while, transferred an MP3 file to my computer, and did other things.  Ron woke up after a couple of hours, and Biscuit finally got up for treats. 

While he was gone, I closed the pull-out.  I am so happy I am finally getting some sleep on the thing now. 

Ron wants to watch a movie so we'll see about that and then I need to adjust the vent in my bedroom.  It's getting warm. 

When I was sick, I closed the vent because the heater was killing me.  I felt suffocated.  Now it's summer, for all intents and purposes.  I'm going to feel suffocated if I don't open it! 

Plus I need to eat my dinner and take the rest of my medication when I get up.  I am taking an iron multivitamin (it has iron), which will destroy Vitamin E.  If I take E at the same time as the iron it will ruin the E.  So I have to have a gap before I take them. 

Otherwise, it doesn't matter if I take it all at once or not.  But I don't consume a lot of meat and I know my iron levels must be abysmal. 


Anonymous said...

My zoloft is titrating so please if this sounds goofy I am sorry. Rough year but taking my meds! Anyway you sound good and your day out a week is doing you good! you are knitting and crocheting I missed your posts about things like this! you sound like Healther the ups and downs included. Winter is harsh and when spring comes things seem better. So sorry Ron is not "getting it" it is good you think about the future becuase we all should You never do know what is going to happen. I try to make a list of what is worrying me then focus on a few things I can take care of. For you it could be making sure your morgage insurance or whatever is up to date? You are so smart and there are so many things you can do.

Anonymous said...

maybe you could do a youtube tutorias and make a little cash that way from home ? folks do that just vlogging ...vloging how funny!

I think you could share your processing struggles if you felt comfortable and then tell us how you overcame it ? I dontk Know just a thought since you were thinking over your future

I would tune in for sure! I struggle with tactile learning , am intermediate crochet but ultra pre beginner with knitting I can go back and forth and that it is but most tutroials are really hard for me to follow (I have depression and ADHD)

Heather not in a million years do you ever come off as less than humble and I love reading when you talk about things you enjoy, you sound happy when you say nice things about yourself and you must say nice things, self love is where your foundation is built and you have lots to love there! for one thing you and Ron? rescued how many cats now in your marriage? those lives were all bettered because of you! you are crafty smart can do so much with a dollar! the knitting and crocheting thanks so much for sharing that

kindness to self is so important if we do not say fortify our own foundations then even if others do compliment? we man not hear it.

we are human beings and need validation.

with out crazy in this world ? imagine now dull art, science, music, math, food all of it takes a bit of crazy to move the world forward and while it can be painful as hell (my stomach is not adjusting to the sertrailine well at all) it is also a good thing

look at how much talent you do have and it is olk that is a gift so showing gratitude is gratious not braggy

you are such a good roll model thank you for sharing and I can not wait to see you projects (am still laughing that somoene complained of "holes"( omg how sad and funny, and ungrateful! )

if there ever is a Heather channel I will be on the list of subscribers!

thanks for sharing

About my day

I woke up with a headache.  Agh.  I was worried it might morph into a migraine, but the Excedrin killed it.  Good thing, because I forgot to...