She was 16 when I was born. Because our mother was completely unfit, at some point she left school for a while to care of us both.
She got involved in a cult about that time. I have witnessed classic cult behavior and recruiting techniques when around her "church". They even got to decide if she "could" divorce her husband, the word "shunned" was used, etc.
You should have seen her elder freak when I mentioned free Bible handouts and ghetto evangelism. He began babbling some "holy mumble" and ran off.
So, she left school briefly (she did not drop out FOREVER to care for me and even if she had, that's on our mother, not me), the truant officer caught on to the home situation quickly, and basically as a result of that, and some other things, my parents marriage broke up.
Everyone agrees my mother left my Dad, who kept me and my sister, even though she is not "his" biologically. She married a man very like my Dad, later. I found that interesting. My Dad raised her from about age 12, but Mom sucked her into all kinds of sick codependent enabling.
So, she lived with us, but decided she wanted to go live with the cult. My Dad objected. She did the whole "You're not my real dad" thing and literally left through the bedroom window, running into the arms of the cult (where she remains some 40 years later).
She got very into the cult, graduated high school (see I didn't "ruin her life" as you might have believed), and even got some college under her belt. She has a lot of chronic health problems but did work for the federal government for some time. She seemed to like that pretty well.
Still in the cult, recruiting other young and vulnerable girls for the cult (she was quite proud of that), met her husband in the cult. Married him. Had 3 kids. Had some financial struggles until he got into programming.
She visited me some, but I remember her as a vaguely disapproving woman who kept trying to shove me into her cult, which I found downright WEIRD. Even has a kid I just wanted to run like hell. I remember one time she screamed at me to eat some green beans vinagrette even though I hated them. She yelled at me as I gagged them down because her friend had made them and she didn't want the lady to "feel bad if I threw them out".
She did apologetics for our mother, oh, Mom is sick, you have to understand her. I just wanted someone to hug me when I came home from school. I was getting that, but not from my "real" mom. I remember my sister would get very upset when I called my adoptive mom, Mom.
She came to visit when I became suicidally depressed at age 13, glaring at Dad and my adoptive Mom as if my brain chemistry were somehow their fault. Blame? It was the workplace shooter who shot up Dad's office (a few months prior to my crash), and the godawful Prozac. That stuff is a suicide monster in teens. I'm one of the reasons they know that.
She would send gifts now and then, but no real contact.
When I moved out of my Dad's house, I decided to cut off ALL contact with everyone (even my beloved Daddy) for a while. I made up pretty quick with Dad, although he continued to chide me about education, my weight, and living in sin. I was OK with that because I understand it comes from a place of love. He had the balls to say "You're living in sin".
He admitted a while back he would have liked to "Have an engineer, but an evangelist is a much higher calling." It also took him a very long time to accept my disabilities, I think, in part because he feels he "should" have stopped the drinking.
Dad did what he could. At one point he poured out all the alcohol and she drank the vanilla.
So, I forged on, not speaking to my adoptive mother (for many reasons), my half sister, or my mother. Someone who had experience with my birth mother told me I might not want to "find" her, ever, because she came with a heavy load of drama.
I didn't "find" her before her death, and I don't regret that. Everyone who had any contact said she was highly unstable, prone to hysterical dramas, the typical bipolar alcoholic.
I have two good memories of my mother: one time she had a root canal, she came for visitation (I only saw her about a dozen times after she left my Dad, and Dad left the door open as long as she was sober). Her friend asked about the pain pills. Mom looked at me and said "I can't see Heather if I take them". So, I had that. At least she did want to see me in her own misfit way.
Another time, during another visit, she saw me watching her smoke. She made me swear I would never smoke, ever, said she was enslaved, hated it, and didn't want me to bind myself to that (I am a little more poetic than she was). I thought that was cool she wanted to protect me from tobacco addiction. When I told Dad, he was pretty happy to hear that.
Back to my sister, raising her kids, homeschooling the older two. The youngest had a learning disability and went mainstream in junior high, doing very well. All of the kids are unreal.
I found her online (she has a very odd last name), after Ron's accident and got back in touch.
Not only do the kids look like supermodels, they are fit and active. They are compassionate, sweet, amazing, people. They are also incredibly intelligent. One is in Law School. Oh, and artistic. They all play instruments, well, draw, sing, etc.
They are all, also, out of the cult. They ran pretty quick.
My sister, however, dug in like a tick. The hoarding escalated to massive levels. An example, when moving from a 3 bedroom to a two bedroom, across town (maybe 10-15 miles), it cost her over a thousand dollars.
When Ron and I moved into the house from a two bedroom duplex, it cost us $175. That includes a cardio machine and my weight set.
The house got worse every time I visited. Last time, she said "I think you can get to the bathroom". I could, barely, but I had to go sideways. I have to pee a LOT, taking lithium. It was hell. She had stuff everywhere, with little "pig trails" running through. If the house caught on fire we all would have died. The firemen would have died. There was no access or escape. I would lie in bed at night, wondering about bugs, and fire.
Her cat got sick and she couldn't find the animal for a week (in the hoard), then, finding out it was terminal, took it home and refused to put it down for over a week, even though the animal was clearly in pain. Just because the vet says it's not hurting, doesn't make it true. That poor animal (I liked her) suffered terribly because she couldn't "bear to let her go".
She found out her husband was high-functioning autistic. She read up on it. "I thought he could be fixed with counseling" she basically told me "But he can't, so I'm divorcing him."
Gee. Good thing Ron didn't pull that when I came up crazy!
In 2009 I was assaulted at the bus stop and covered in bruises. It was pretty traumatic, but I prayed for the guy every time I had a flashback. I turned it over to God and He helped me through it. A few months later she was also assaulted by a black man.
It turned her into a complete bigot. She had an absolute s**t fit when I rolled her window down and offered two black men, at the bus stop, Bibles. She then put the window locks on so I could only give them to "the right sort".
She knew I did this. I was very clear. Why is it suddenly a problem?
So, after the assault she started getting workers comp counseling, which was supposed to evolve into marriage counseling (her husband didn't like the therapist, neither did I, but that's later), so it became personal counseling, 3x a week, on the worker's comp dime.
I have major issues with that. As Christians, we are not supposed to engage in fraud. She was very clear she was getting personal counseling on the worker's comp ticket, and both her and the therapist were pretty smug about it. I thought it was awful.
The therapist was also an atheist. The Bible is really clear on that: NO.
Psalm 1:1-2: Blessed is the man
Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
Nor stands in the path of sinners,
Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
If we get counseling, it needs to be from a Christian. Someone with a well-worn Bible on their desk, who does God Time before coffee, etc. A spiritual leader, basically, which is why many Christians go to the pastor (I never have).
The atheist basically talked her into defrauding workers comp and divorcing her husband. That totally backfired on her.
I believe my sister thought she could divorce him and keep the family. It doesn't work that way. His family were furious at her.
In fact, when hubby's grandmother died they didn't tell her. When my sister found out she had hysterics because "I loved her so much and it reminds me of when Mom died. My daughter thought she'd have to put me in the hospital, I [carried on so]."
Uh, you divorced all of them when you signed the papers. You didn't see this coming? More important, the therapist didn't walk you through expectations as you went through the divorce process? "You know they will hate you for this..."
This is what precipitated me asking for a break, I got some counsel on this because I want to walk in righteousness.
So, not a lot of blood relatives. My sister is the problem. Actually she is my half sister, 16 years older than me.
1. She is in a cult, "The Local Church". I won't get into a lot of detail, but a good example, they have to do everything the lay "elders" tell them to do, or be shunned. I don't like the way they get kids to join - love-bombing vulnerable kids away from home at college. They have to have church meetings in their homes. They scream O Lord Jesus in a sexual way during services, which I find very disturbing. They also believe Jesus became the Holy Spirit after His ascendancy. Their "Bible" has more commentary than it does scripture. She has told me she really wants me to get into that church, dragged me to her church against my will repeatedly, and told me "My biggest dream is for you to join MY church". The home church is important for reasons you will later see.
My Dad told me, years ago, his biggest dream for me was for me to find "A good Bible believing church". Big difference. I did, thank You very much (salute to God).
2. She is a very negative, toxic, person. She used to be much brighter years ago, but has gotten into negativity loops. She has problems with depression, I get that, boy do I get that - but you have to fight. I have tried to tell her that. Take your medication, surrender your problems to Jesus and try to be happy where you're planted (my solution). Her solution was "therapy".
3. Her therapist is an atheist Jew. When I went out for a family wedding years ago, my sister screamed at me "DON'T give her a Bible" which I found rather rude. I was dragged to "counseling" against my will and told I married my husband because I "needed someone dependent who would never leave me". I don't agree! Now, this is my opinion but when a Christian seeks counseling I think the counselor should be a believer.
4. She and her therapist are defrauding worker's comp for the sessions, about a thousand dollars a week for going on 3 and a half years. I have major objections to this. We are supposed to be lights in the world. We are not supposed to damage our witness through fraud and theft. God will not bless that kind of "therapy".
5. She has shared with me on several occasions how "I really told my boss - whatever, I didn't have any sick time but my daughter's grandfather in law died (true story) so I took a week off work to 'help' her." On another occasion, she told her boss "Fire me! I'm taking the day off." These were not for her many health issues. Another time she took days off work and almost had to be hospitalized in the special place because her ex-grandmother-in-law died and the ex family didn't tell her for a couple days.
6. She hates my husband and is always bringing up his past mistakes.
7. She is a hoarder. If she has a fire, she and firemen are going to die. It was so bad I could barely get in the bathroom. She has an abundance of excuses, but at the end of the day the hoarding is worse since she started counseling.
8. She wants me to be her caregiver, dropping heavy hints about how she "needs someone to be my medical advocate at the hospital - I got sick in the middle of the night and they were talking about surgery. What if I were unconcious?"
9. Following that, she mentioned moving to Houston.
So, here's the question.
Do you think it is Biblical to write her a letter, listing some of the issues (like the fraud issue, which I will send to home email and not work), objections to church, etc.?
I will also let her know under no circumstances can I help her in Houston. She is an extremely unsafe driver even in a small town. IMO she should lose her license.
I believe she wants me to be her caregiver, with and end goal of moving in with me. I cannot do that. I can take care of me, and Ron. I am already disabled and only God gives me the juice to do what I can.
I would also never let her live with me due to the cult and apostate wierdos running around in my home.
My two choices, as I see it, are continue to duck her calls, or write her the letter, lay it out, deal with the guilt trip sobbing "How can you do this to me!" and get it over with. I am leaning towards the latter. I shouldn't be afraid to answer my cell phone - it only has one ringtone.
Thank you for reading my book
Everyone agreed it wouldn't hurt to take a break. I respect these guys tremendously.
I wrote an email:
I hate confrontation, so I have been avoiding you. However, that isn't fair, or Biblical. The Bible says I need to confront you on those issues.
First, I love you. I know you were pretty much my primary caregiver when I was little. I remember waiting in my crib, listening for the door to close, indicating you were home. Your cat was a huge comfort to me, too. I have a lot of memories, crying neglected in my crib until the cat showed up to comfort me. She endured a fair amount of grabbiness, but would always move out of the crib, just out of reach, if I got too rambunctious.
Dad isn't easy, I understand why you left. You felt you had discovered a wonderful new thing and had to explore it. I can't say how you were feeling but I do know your church is very good at paying a lot of attention to lost and hurting people. They gave you the love and attention you probably never had at home, and you didn't want to give that up.
Dad saw it differently - you getting sucked into a cult, and did what he could to "protect" you.
Let me be clear here. I do not like your church. I do not like their methods. I do not like their theology. I will never join your church. I have one. It took me forever to find but I am glad I did.
Frankly, I am very angry at your church. I feel they have hurt you tremendously. I get angry when I hear you talking about your church, but I learned to be very good at hiding my feelings.
I often wonder how you would have turned out without them.
I don't see any joy in Jesus in your life, just a tremendous weight on your back. Jesus loves us! He died for us! That is a source of ongoing amazement for me.
I wish you would get a regular Bible, not a recovery one, and spend 20 minutes reading it day and night. Pray for your enemies, all of them (You won't receive this when I tell you on the phone), pray for people who hurt you (as I'm sure you feel I have).
God helped me "recover" from my mugging very quickly, because I did it God's way (by the way, I was black and blue up and down both arms for weeks - it was not some guy trying to grab my bag and run away like you think). I did it God's way: pray for those who tried to hurt me (Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:28). When I had a flashback, I prayed for him. When I did my God Time (for me, morning and evening) I prayed for him. Now I'm praying good things for him every day and I truly want him saved.
You took "man's" way after your assault, therapy and medication. You are still hurting.
Which brings me to another issue. I have ALWAYS respected you as a moral person. I was horrified and very disappointed to hear that your therapist is billing all your sessions to "Workers Comp". That's fraud and theft. You are not talking about the assault in every session, or even most of them. That is, by my calculation (you said $300 a session, 3 a week), over 45 thousand dollars. You are depriving a truly injured worker - hurt on the job and not just wanting "whole life counsel" - of the care they need. Money is not endless. Someone is being denied because you are doing this.
Are you better? I see you more depressed, I see you baiting your boss to fire you (go ahead and fire me, taking time off when Daniel's grandfather died - and no boss will understand that). I see myself, as an employer, working sick, and think I would have fired you years ago.
I see a completely hoarded apartment that will get you evicted one day. Stuff is not worth it. Memories are in your head, not in a storage unit. Most of our family was not much of a treat to be remembered, anyway. Just be glad they're at peace now.
I will never visit you again - there are huge health risks in hoarding. I had to fight my way to the bathroom, every time. One day something will fall on you or one of the cats, or you'll slip. Firemen will die if you have a fire because they won't have access. I keep thinking of poor Cappy, hidden for days in "the pile", slowly dying of cancer, the house so hoarded you didn't even know it.
Yes, I am blunt. I am sure you are pissed at me. But I want you to think about this: years of "therapy" and YOU ARE NOT BETTER. You are WORSE. I believe she is out to "milk" you and the system.
My greatest dream for you would be for you to fire the "therapist", read a standard Bible daily (I like NKJV), and and find a Calvary Chapel in your area. They are a wonderful bunch. All the best of your "church" without all the domination. [ link] You can watch a sermon online from home. See what you think. They are a wonderfully accepting group. One day Ron forgot to change his shirt and went there "dirty" and wrinkled. They could not have been nicer to us. They welcome anyone as they are.
I was reading one of my online message boards and someone was talking about a very negative, toxic, family member. You have become that person.
No, I'm not.
Remember the night before Sarah's wedding? How you screamed at her, cried, laid guilt trips on her? Then called Aaron and screamed and cried how everything was ruined?
[My adoptive Mom] did not do that the night before my wedding. She did everything to support me.
I had to play peacemaker, which I did by making "crazy jokes" until you settled down.
I can't recall you talking about anything happy for more than a few minutes before you go back to the negativity.
I have enough in my life already. I cannot take your negativity, your bad decisions, etc, any more. I need a break. Please do not call me for 6 months. You have become the most negative person I know.
Sometimes, after you call, it takes me days to get over it, because I'm already battling a horrible depression. I need good energy in my life, especially from my family.
I love you. I hope you will reread this letter, and ask God to show you His will. I will send you a NKJV Bible. I hope you read it. The stuff your church hands out should be burned.
Thank you for reading this. I pray you take at least some of my advice.
She did not respect my decision. She stalked me for months and even called my stepmother, pretending to be "worried about Heather because she's acting crazy". Mom went Mama Bear on her. [short] She is pretty good at defending her young I'm sure my sister thinks my evil husband has forced me into this.
No, Ron kept saying I shouldn't, but once he saw the stalking he agreed. We had to get caller blocking. She started using other phones to text me and call. I didn't take them, and deleted the texts. She still tries to text me on occasion but I just delete them.
She proved to me she does not respect me or value me. If she had, she would have left me alone. She, instead, said "F*** what you want, I need you to validate me!"
I do not have time for that.
She'd also made it more and more apparent she wanted me to leave Ron - whenever Ron made even a minor mistake, she'd talk about how I could move in with her. How she would get me in a special jobs program. No, I'd say, I've made a commitment and he's not evil.
She wanted, at the bottom of it, for me to be her mother. I was to move in with her and take care of her, the way our mother never did.
No.
Every other person in my family radius understands: I have my hands full. I battle severe mental illness. I have brain damage. I can't even take care of myself half the time (I forgot to mail the water bill again, today).
Every other person in my family understands I have a responsibility and commitment to Ron; one I will not shirk.
I have enough on my plate. They get it.
She does not.
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