Sunday, December 7, 2014

Quit yer whining

I estimate social media can only support a certain level of "whining".  "I'm so tired.  I feel so stupid.  I'm depressed and groggy.". 

Even though it's true, especially today - "You just don't do that".  Not very often at least.  I love all 265 Facebook friends, and however many lurkers.  I just don't want to drag them down the way Ron does with me. 

Ron is impatient.  He wants God to take us (rapture) so he can "get out of this body and start the party".  He worries a lot.  He drinks.  He's depressed, blind, and using a wheelchair.  Of course I understand but some days I just want to yell "Shut up already" and get the duct tape. 

Not sure how that would work, with his beard, though. 

But this is my blog and my post.  I can say whatever I want (within reason).  A good example, at one point Ron made a "joking" threat.  I was horrified.  You just don't do that, especially for that person.  I had hysterics, thinking Men in Black were going to bang on our door and drag him off.  If they found out about it, though, they must have pulled up his file (I believe we all have "a file" of some sort) and said "He's a head injured drunk.  We'll give him a pass." 

Me?  Well that's obvious.  Nothing I haven't said already. 

Do you know the worst thing someone ever told me?  It wasn't the person who called me a "stupid r#tarded b*tch."  Or a "f^cking wh9re."  I found that one really ironic - I've only had sex with one man.  No.  It was the person who told me "With your history (of having been abused), and mental health, you could get away with killing Ron.  No one would convict you, assuming the DA even charged you."  Why, why, why, would you ever set up Ron to be murdered?  That's a terrible thing to say, even if it's true. 

I have the ability to tell right from wrong - even at Ron's most abusive, when I want to hit him, I remember there are consequences for every act - and remind myself  God's spanking will be a lot worse than whatever I do. 

And Ron considers this guy a good friend.  I don't get it.  I hope I never get it. 

I am friendly with lots of people but don't have anyone real life I'd consider a friend.  Not a pity party.  I just put up walls, and to be honest, I don't have a lot in common with most of the people in my acquaintance. 

It didn't help, years ago, when I was getting friendly with a woman at work.  Ron told me "I could seduce her if I wanted, I can and will seduce any woman you bring home."  He then regaled me with stories of doing just that - 3 or 4 times he screwed the best friend of his girlfriend.  "It's easy." he said. 

Understandably I was pretty freaked about that.  He was already cheating and I didn't want to give him women on a platter. 

I think, today, either I have little in common (paratransit drivers and postal workers) with them, or I alarm then with the evangelism and that hairy blind guy in the wheelchair.  "People are scared of me" Ron said once.  To a degree, he's right.  I think I may catch some of that. 

Yeah, I got a lot of issues.  You bet I could use some serious Christian therapy, assuming I could get a ride. 

I do have plenty of online friends.  If you are into "stuff" I have gotten two computers, a brand new front door, and a remodeled shower enclosure (just off the top of my head) from my online friends, thank you Jesus forever and ever.  I didn't even ask. 

I'm working on it.  I have tried to find a good caregiver support group - that didn't work out.  Same with the AA thing.  An hour and a half each way, on the bus, on my day off. 

I'm not going to play "My life is so hard, no I don't want to do that."  Ugh.  I hate games of any sort. 

I will say I am physically healthy.  Ron is becoming more appreciative - he was so impressed I dismantled the old bedframe and assembled the new bed, on my own.  He values my intelligence and ability with the business.  Ron is surprisingly healthy considering.  I focus on my blessings. 

But I do get tired.  I get stupid, tired, and weary of feeling that way.  It's like I tell people "It's easier to be born with it, than to develop it.  You remember how you were before."  I remember before medication.  I had energy.  I didn't get up from a nap wanting to take another nap. 

Of course, I was a vicious, evil, thing at times, consumed by terrible Bad Thoughts. 

I have to take this medication or I will die.  Those are my choices.  I don't give myself long to live if I went off the medication. 

So I take it.  And now I've come full circle to I am tired again. 

That said, I did a lot of laundry today and did all the monthly accounting functions with Ron.  Thank God I don't have to write any spreadsheets anymore.  It's funny, Ron taught me computers (the basic stuff), and I taught him Excel.  He uses Excel on a regular basis to track all his expenses.  I'm glad I could do that before I gave my brain a swirly with medication. 

A swirly is when someone's head is shoved into a toilet, and the toilet flushed.   That's a lot how I feel right now. 

I'm slowly figuring out how I want to organize my under-bed storage.  To start, I plan to have one box just for books.  Another box for bedding.  A third box for surplus bathroom products - extra shampoo, razors, soap, etc. 

By the way, my skin is a lot better since I started using the antibacterial soap.  Last week I had 4 boils at the same time.  Ugh.  I had two blowouts and 2 got better on their own. 

I have an abundance of storage, so I need to continue figuring out categories (another one, extra towels, stored of course in a waterproof box), get the storage, clean up the items if needed, and store them. 

It's a lot of work, especially depressed, but well worth it. 

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