Monday, December 22, 2014

Instead of derision

Today I lost it. 

"I am sick of your tirades.  I am sick of your lectures.  I am sick of your name calling!"
I don't do that. 
"You called me a stupid bitch on Saturday". 
You're not supposed to keep track of that stuff.  I don't believe you anyway. 
"Do you want me to keep a journal?  Because I will!"

1 Corinthians 13 says "love keeps no record of wrongs" so probably not Biblical.  However, it was supremely frustrating. 

Just stop messing up.  Ron told me.  "And I won't have to yell at you." 

That doesn't come from a place, or even a universe, of logic.  Which is why I have the blog.  I need a place of reason, logic, understanding, and empathy.  I need a place where my responders aren't trying to gaslight me and engage in other warfare tactics. 

I AM NOT THE ENEMY!  I AM YOUR WIFE!  

Sometimes I do wonder, if Ron got a full mental workup, what they'd find.  As one poster agreed - clearly a personality disorder.  Does it matter which? 

At the end of the day, no.  I just have to be strong, assert my rights, and choose my battles. 

After all that Ron rolled off and worked on something else.  3 minutes later he's bellowing for "help". 

He made his own trips without consulting me.  We were picked up late and driven literally 50 miles out of the way so the manic, delusional (my 14 year old son performs operations at the trauma center, then onto his bowel habits UGH), passenger could go to the identical grocery store found 2 miles from her home.  We were all happy to see the end of her. 

I explained manias and delusions to the driver, who knew "She ain't right".  We got to work an hour late.  Ron had apparently only planned 3 hours for us.  During the high season.

[head in my palms]  As I said, he DID NOT consult me.  I would have said at least 4 hours minimum. 

The day was a frantic scramble to accomplish what we could.   I did snacks, made sure the validators were working, and helped Ron with nearly everything.

"You know" the other vendor told me "You do all the work."

"Yup" I agreed.

Ron was very brusque and impatient, snapping at me.  I was very tempted to go whine to the other vendor but that's how trouble starts (my husband is a jerk but you appreciate me).  I just corked it until now.

But I get pissed.  I do EVERYTHING for the man.  He does manage all bathroom activities, praise God.  He can barely heat up a TV dinner, and that's after I go to the store, buy it for him. read him the box, and organize it in the freezer.

We go to Walmart, he sits off to the side.  I get everything.  He gives me some cash.

About the only thing he does 100% for himself - alcohol.  He buys it, brings it home, and drinks it.  The drivers aren't stupid - they know why I won't help.

Housekeeping.  Laundry.  Everything relating to the business.  Like I told the other vendor "He stocks the sodas after I stack them up in order, or bring them to him."  I do the snack machines, all 3.  I do both food machines and the coffee machine.  I take care of his home.  I buy his clothes, wash them, and even fix his hair everyday because he wants a ponytail.  I clean the litterboxes, buy cat food and treats.  I medicate the cats when needed.

I JUST DON'T GET IT.   I do everything.  I can't understand it - why he can't appreciate and value what I do.  No.  It's a constant river of tirades, depressing philosophical talk, whining about "God's slow plan", verbal abuse, name calling, drunks, and temper tantrums.  

I know he can show a little appreciation now and then, because I see it, but it's swallowed up by the previous paragraph. 

How's this: no tirades, no verbal abuse, no weird philosophical "everything is made of atoms so noting really exists" (isn't that existentialism?  I looked it up - yes), no name calling.  I'll even take a tantrum now and then without name calling 'cause you do have a head injury.  Don't say anything nice to me if you don't "feel" it.  OK? 

I am tempted to say it will never happen - BUT God can work amazing things.  If Ron allows it. 

This, ALL of this, on top of having horrible mental illness.  He won't even acknowledge it.  If I confide something painful, or a problem I'm having, he either mocks me or minimalizes it "Is that all?" 

I know he is scared I will "fail" him somehow and he'll end up in some hellhole assisted living apartment - but if that's the case why not cherish me instead of derision?    Why does he constantly tear me down?  If he tears me down - I could collapse, and his worst fears come to life. 

He keeps talking "Oh, things are going well.  I wonder how that will end."  Maybe he wants to (on some level) run me off so he can "Go ahead [and fail], so I can go live in my assisted living apartment." 

It's like a script he has - he has to become a drunk, fail at life, and end up in assisted living.  I have done everything in my power to fight that - because it's my life too! 

Now that things are going better he's turned on me - the person many would say is responsible for his cushy life and business success - he even admits it.  "They love what you're doing.  Your snacks were first in sales, etc."   5 minutes later I'm a stupid bitch. 

I just don't get that! 


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

He is getting sicker and sicker, his fail body and anxious mind are numbing with alcohol. While the stuff kills him slowly, i hate saying this, but real is real and ..the abuse will grow worse ..you are a warrior ..but please know he is killing himself with the poison. Start planning your " fun days off " more or you are really going to loose it from burn out . It is the holidays, not the best time for us " crazies" or anyone with addiction. Put your music on, eat well, go for walks ..GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE! ( maybe someone from your church could " come vist" would he allow it? While you take off. He is showing more and more inabilty to take care of himself, and fear of you leaving,. My father did this to my mother until she felt guilty taking a shit alone. Please do not fall into it, you may need help, to preserve yourself. Love you

Anonymous said...

You might want to dream a little about things you could do to support yourself should Ron be out of the picture. It seems to me that just thinking about your possible options and imagining a happy future would provide you with a little mental distance from your sometimes ugly days.
For what it's worth I'm caring for my mother who has Alzheimer's.
She (along with my father) was extremely abusive to me as a child and I do have some idea of what caring for a hateful person is like. You are not alone.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Good Luck
Sophie

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