Monday, December 22, 2014

By reason of...

When I ran off with Ron, I was escaping an abusive household.  I had limited opportunities, I loved Ron, and I saw him as a knight come to save me. 

Let's just say I had an attitude adjustment.  He used to threaten to "send me back to my family" when he felt I had "misbehaved".  I am not proud of some of the things I did to prevent that. 

Back then, he was "only" blind.  However, we supported each other financially. 

One time, he lost his ham radio, blamed me, and said I had to move out because I was "careless with his things".  We went back to the same spot a week later and found a man who handed over the radio, telling Ron "I saw you leave it on the bench, and I didn't want someone to steal it." 

Ron, not in the least abashed, recanted his move-out request.  Time passed.   Ron had 3 affairs, during this time frame.  That I know of. 

We moved to Texas.  I had a good paying job and could support myself.  Ron only had a disability check.  Suddenly, he was very appreciative and understanding.  I had an emotional affair. 

Not surprising, huh?  Amazing only one. 

Ron got involved in the vendor program, which meant he had to move 200 miles away.  I was still working full time in an office and making more than enough to pay the rent.  I even got a pizza now and then, and bought a few things off the internet. 

I was pretty happy.  Ron wanted me to come visit every weekend to help him, so I did. 

I took him grocery shopping, etc.  I also helped him with projects for class. 

He graduated and was awarded a location.  I quit my job to help him. 

The next 2 years were horrific. 

Ron had an affair.  A physical one.  Years later I was told all the sordid details.  He did this while continuing to work me for 16 hour days, worse than you'd treat an animal.   He was verbally abusive, drinking, etc. 

People kept telling him "You need to treat Heather better".  Mainly, they were worried about my hours worked. 

My illness got worse (extreme stress will do that).  And then of course Ron got run over. 

I was there as soon as I heard (his family "forgot" to tell me or come get me - knowing I couldn't drive).  I fought for him, stayed with him, and did everything I could to help him get better. 

When he was released, I got to be his hands on boy do you need a lot of caregiving caregiver 24/7.  My big highlight of the week - one hour, one day a week, someone would sit with Ron while another person took me to Walmart. 

I did that for months of head injury dementia.  During this time, I even started a weight loss plan. 

Ron's friends all told him they'd disown him if he didn't marry me.  He realized his family had bailed on him months ago but good old Heather had stuck.  He married me. 

Now.  At the time I knew he was an emotional abuser, a cheat, a liar.  I had felt physically threatened on more than one occasion.  I knew he had a temper. 

We all know why Ron married me. 

But why did I marry him? 

Well, you know in trials, someone will present a mental illness defense.  "Not guilty by reason of instanity"  In my case my reasoning was shot due to a couple of things - 1.  My head was so far up my ass I could see my teeth.  2.  I was crazy.  Remember I have severe mental illness.  I was not medicated either. 

Between the two, I just thought marriage would be the best thing ever.  Ron would value all I had done.  He would appreciate me.  He would respect me.  He would never, ever, cheat again.  He would never call me names. 

Boy, was I wrong. 


Anonymous said...

Have you ever considered going to al-anon? I'm not saying that will fix Ron but it might help you. You deserve to be treated better!

Anonymous said...

The more you do for him, the less he will appreciate you. People who are deep in their alcoholism aren't rational.

Also I get the sense that no-one has ever enforced boundaries with Ron, at least, no-one he's close to. I think it's way past time that he has to deal with the consequences of his actions.

He's your boss, as I understand it. If you weren't married, for example, his abusive treatment of you at work would have legal consequences. Unpleasant ones.

Every time he calls you a stupid bitch at work, take a 30 minute break. Sit down and tune him out, until he apologises. He'll get the message. Give him the gift oh the consequences of his actions.

Good luck.

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