I want

I worry. 

I worry it looks like I want Ron out of my life - that's actually the last thing I want.  I worry about his health.  I worry about his safety.  I want to have him in my life. 

I want other things; I want the husband I saw today, every day.  Every minute.  The warm, loving, generous man.  The man who can make me laugh like a hyena, even after 22 years. 

I want the man who values my contributions.  He doesn't have to worship me, but a sincere word of appreciation, now and then - without an abusive counterpoint - really makes my day. 

I know that man exists.  I see him. I love him.  That's the man who keeps me married. 

Ron has issues, and drinking, and a head injury on top like some kind of godforsaken cherry.  He can be very difficult to love at times. 

But I see the man I love, the kindly boss, the loving companion, the interesting man who took me to lunch at the restaurant chain where we met. 

And I miss him when he's gone.