Happily, I had a lovely evening. When Ron has been ugly he tends to retreat to his room for a while. He did.
I tended my garden, took the tags of my "new" thrift store clothes, did laundry, and chose a nice (used) book out of my goodie bag. The used bookstore offers a special of 8 inspirational romance novels for $4. I can afford that!
I had a great dinner, some veggie soup and tuna salad, with some low-carb blackberry yogurt for dessert. It's true, what they say.
Other people don't have to dictate my day to me. I decided I'd have a good one and I did.
Sure, he was ugly, but that's on him. He also seems to forget, that words said "between us" are recorded by God and will be replayed at the White Throne Judgement one day. Basically, God reads off your whole life to you, and if you aren't saved, it's hell. If you are, you may take some of your actions (done in love, for God) to heaven, but many hypocrites will have even their works "burned up".
Big point there: Every action, word and thought. Everything I think, speak, and type. In front of everyone.
I try to consider that daily. Yes, I can be spiteful and judgemental. I don't understand, and I really don't want to understand, the things that make an alcoholic tick. Maybe I need to work on that; I'll pray on it.
I get resentful, and have the pity parties I resent him having. I'm still working out the line between being compassionate, empathetic, and assertive.
Life is a learning process. I hope I'm doing alright.
I know this, I'm not going to throw away my husband because he is broken. I can choose to have a good, meaningful, life in spite of his illness. He may treat me how he chooses, and I can treat him how I choose.
I choose not to be a hater. I think he's a lot like an injured animal, hit by a car, snapping at the person (me) who is trying to help. So, for now, I step back and let God work on him.
God created Ron; God loves Ron a lot more than I can ever guess. God's got him. I just need to focus on pleasing God.
So, I ate my dinner, as Ron stayed in his room. No, he never wants me to cook for him; even though he says I am a good cook. He prefers to heat up something out of the freezer.
That's his choice. I chose to have a healthy dinner, take my medication, have a nice bubble bath with some rose-scented incense and an inspirational romance novel, and listen to my music.
I cooked my brains a little (overheated), but I had a great time.
Now I'll do my God Time and go to bed. We have to work tomorrow.
9 comments:
Actually, no, you can't each treat the other in a way of your choosing. That's not a marriage. Heather, what do your Christian friends say about all this?
Omg leave him! Dont you have any self respect? I really dont understabnd why soneone would waste their life this way. Stop being a martyr and looking for people to feel sorry for you and do something good for yourself.
God, Jesus and everyone else in the Bible
Anonymous, my Christian friends are very understanding and supportive. If I need a break, they are there. Some of them have had alcoholic spouses, or family, and they are the most supportive of all. I'm sorry THEY had to go through that pain, but it gives them a unique empathy and understanding.
"Bible" - you are condoning I do something that isn't in your namesake, and for what? Say I did leave him? Then what? My life gets tremendously more complicated, and maybe I never meet the "right" person. I will have also broken promises made before God. You tend to rant, rave, name call, and then tell me how to live my faith life. Um. My life.
I hope you do understand, I'm not accepting advice on major life choices from an anonymous non-Christian, on the internet? My mother didn't drink that much when pregnant!
I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I'm sharing my life. If you don't like how I'm living it, delete the bookmark or whatever you click to get here!
The poem Desiderate talks about avoiding vexations to the spirit; if I'm truly that vexing you can choose not to read my blog. I worry about your blood pressure.
I work on doing nice things for myself every day. I'm not wasting my life, I'm living it.
Yes, I have a person in my life who can be jackass. He is also very ill. How would I treat him if he had dementia?
I sleep fine at night, living my life this way. I will say this, no matter what, Ron works very hard at letting me sleep.
Heather, how do you know that the people who have taken the time out to comment on your blog (out of concern, mind you) are "non-Christians"? Isn't it considered un-Christian to judge another person's faith? Because they don't agree with what you are doing?
Oh, and he doesn't have dementia. Completely different! He is fully capable of choosing how to treat you, from the moment he puts the bottle to his mouth. You can't blame the alcohol for that. There are plenty of alcoholics who dont call their wives, fat, "broken", tell them they wished God hadn't given them a broken women, etc. It boils down to him being a bad person, all the way through to his core. How can you be living your life to its fullest, while allowing yourself to be abused? Where does the line get drawn?
You have to understand that most people aren't going to come to your blog, read what you write about Ron and tell you to stay with him. Everyone is going to tell you to run, out of kindness and concern for you. But, its beginning to look like you enjoy the drama.
I hope you make the right choice, my friend.
I wish you were out having fun on Friday night! I thought only the old marrieds like me were on the computer!
Well, Christians generally don't go in for the name calling, judging, and profanity... but you're right.
Sorry about that. Your salvation is of course between you and Him.
To answer the question about how I can have a good life, in spite of it: I choose not to accept it.
Not well publicized, but Ron is not the first verbal abuse I have experienced; I guess you could say I was pretty used to it and accepted it as a part of daily life, when I met Ron.
I learned pretty early on, that I can't stop anyone from saying whatever they want, physcially abusing me (prior to Ron, a fair amount), and disparaging me in public; but I can choose to deny the hate.
Say someone at work called me a fat, stupid, bitch. That is their opinion. I don't have to accept it. I can say "Sad, what is up with them? What is going on to make them hate on me like that?" Ideally I pray for them as Jesus tells us to do in nearly every Gospel. I do not have to walk off, thinking "I am a fat, stupid, bitch".
That's what I meant. If I had gone from a perfect life, to this, it would be ghastly, but unfortunately, from what I read, people with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome tend to end up in abusive situations.
I am sorry I was unclear: I do not believe Ron has dementia. Alcoholism is an illness. That's what I meant - Ron has a physical illness that contributes to hatefulness at times.
I choose to disregard the hate, cherry pick the better emotions (Thank you for being such a big help today, You take good care of me) and toss the hateful crap in the trash.
As I've said, God will sort him out one day if Ron doesn't get his shit together at present. In the meantime, I work on seeing my own value, doing things I love, growing, learning, expanding my faith life, being a good employee, nurturing everyone I can, and getting quality time with the cat.
Ron's attitude is really irrelevant to me having a happy life.
Hi Heather.
**Ouch** and **Hugs**. I'm so sorry to see the comments that you get here. No one else can decide for you what is best in your marriage. Only you can. You obviously are safe and seem to be coping. Those are the important things.
I know how much it hurts to have people make rude comments on your blog. I hope that they stop soon!
Alcoholism may be an illness but it's one we do have some control over. However you see it, Ron is indulging in this illness and refusing to treat it. You, on the other hand, have said that if you ever stopped treating your illness you would expect Ron to leave you. See the double standard? You take responsibility for your illness but let him off the hook about his. I wish you could see that God does want better for you, I know you can't change Ron but the more time you spend around his hatefulness, the bigger the toll it takes on you. Your evangelism has had to take a back seat to just surviving lately, am I right? You need people around you who build you up, not bring you down. For now, maybe just be aware of your situation, you don't have to make big changes all at once. Your attitude HAS shifted lately, it wasn't that long ago that you still helped Ron buy alcohol "because he would find a way to buy it anyway." You changed your position on that, I think you'll be making other changes over time as well. Try to keep listening to all these people who ARE trying to help you even if you don't like what they're saying, OK?
Gotcha, Anon. (((hugs)))
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