A very bad day for him.

Today was pretty hard for me.  It wasn't the worst depression ever but it was hard. 

I got up, did what I had planned for the God Time, took my shower.  Ron was in an incredibly dark and grim mood; which did not improve all day. 

I wonder, absently, if he was picking up on the depression and it made him angry.  He does a lot of the big angry thing when he knows I'm depressed; little realizing that makes the depression about a thousand times worse.  So I don't tell him if at all possible. 

Just a lot of ranting at God, God is so unfair, God allows him to have his physical problems.  A lot of comments I find very hurtful about "needing a normal woman, and getting you instead" . 

Well, I sure know who to lean on when I'm down: God.  God has never once made a hateful comment.  If I were truly dependent on my husband for emotional support, I would have killed myself years ago. 

No, I'm not running suicidal, just making an observation.  I think, with Ron, it's a combination of "not getting my disabilities", and, more importantly not wanting to understand.

It's absolutely hopeless to want him to understand and empathize.  He used to make comments like "If you're really that bad, then we need to split up" before we married.  Then swore up, down, and sideways that he loved "all of me".  Now says "I love you, hate your disabilities"  I get a lot of the "I needed more than you" routine.  If I "ask" for anything,  I will most likely get that diatribe and regret I ever asked; so I don't.  I just fake it 'till I make it, and if something doesn't happen the way he wanted,  because I didn't have the "juice", too bad.  He can think what he wants, but I won't tell him I couldn't do it.  I'll PAY if I do. 

Now, he's not a demon, but he can sure be a jackass.  His ranting about his physical problems?  Well, he has a house.  He has utilities.  He has a wife who loves him and does anything possible to make sure he has a simple and easy life.  He has employment that supports us both.  He has great transportation to take him pretty much anywhere he wants to go, anytime, for a minimal cost.  He has health care.  He has a cat, and a nice quiet backyard.  He has a healthy wife.  He has an extended family who care for him. 

Sounds like Ron has  pretty good life to me, but he wants to look at the things that aren't right in his life.  He has money, he wants more.  He has me, he wants more.  He wants to have a never-ending pity party with an audience of me, constantly petting him on the head and feeding him sympathy.  

You know what it's like for disabled people in the rest of the world?  No disability check.  They live with family, in a corner of a room, if they're very lucky.  If not, they live on the street.  Either way, they are probably begging all day long.  They don't have any utilities, safe housing, employment, or paratransit.  They probably will not be PERMITTED to marry.  That's a hellish existence. 

I'm sorry.  To quote what I read on a message board "I didn't sign up for this".  I signed up with  fighter, a man who appreciated his blessings and valued me as his "Little Gift from God". 

When was the last time I heard that?  HA!   I even asked him that today and got a scoffing laugh in response.  Thanks. 

We went to a marriage counselor, several years ago.  I paid for it.  What a waste of money,.   The guy didn't even notice I was bipolar.  He (the counselor) got very angry when I said I felt like Ron was having a constant "pity party" and I wanted it to end. 

He basically said I was a heartless bitch; and Ron "needed time to grieve".  Well, HOW LONG?  He had been blind for over 4 decades, post-accident for over 3 years, and has been ONGOING ever since, for the last 5. 

I'm sorry, but how long does it take for someone to grieve?  Just to clarify; I'm not leaving him.  That's not what God wants.  But I get frustrated and I'm permitted to rant; look at the book of Job, Psalms, or Lamentations for examples of people complaining! 

Trust me; I get grief.  Long term readers will remember when I lost my little Buddy Frosty (the white cat in my photos).  I lost my birthmother.  I lost my beloved grandmother, and all this just since Ron's accident.  I found out I was crazy, I had to grieve the loss of my "normal".  I had to grieve for RON'S losses, as well, and the constrictions they put on my life as a result. 

Ugh.  I get tired.  I get angry.  I am sick of him ranting at God, when at least part of the problems are directly caused by Ron himself. 

I told him, I read a little story about a dump truck.  Someone was going around very angry and full of toxic emotions.  They kept trying to dump them out on other people, like rancid trash.  I'm not going to accept that, and I'm letting you know you're acting like a dump truck.  You need to decide if you want to be the toxic person dumping on everyone. 

When I got back to him, he said he was "Sorry you are having a bad day" (classic redirection).  Sometimes, I just have to quit. 

I remind myself, days like today, one day God is going to strip off all Ron's illusions and show Ron the man he really is.  How he filled his role as my husband. 

That's going to be a very bad day, for Ron.