This morning, Ron did his usual "I forgive you for angering me" routine. I wanted to tell him to stuff it; but I ignored it.
I told him this morning, I would be happy to run the cross-town errand with him, but I wanted to be dropped at home before he wnt to the liquor store. He took it badly, a lot of ranting and screaming and cursing. If I wanted to go, I would have to go to the liquor store with them. "It was no big deal, you can sit in the truck if you want to 'be wierd'". I told him I would not; I'd stay home.
More yelling.
Ron kept asking why I was "acting funny" and I realized, for him, I am. He is used to a co-dependent pleaser, terrified of upsetting him.
A new woman has emerged, one who says "You know, it isn't cool for you to call me a stupid, broken, #itch, no matter how angry you are. It hurts me. Saying you are sorry does not take the pain away. When you do this, you are hurting me."
I also realized, as he said "We're just not communicating! Tell me how you feel!" and then making derisive, judging, comments when I did just that - I called him on it; and repeated what he had just said... asking would he want to "share" with someone making those comments... and telling him "When you're like this I just shut down, and don't want to be close to you."
Why did I have to be so wierd? What was wrong with me? Maybe I should take another pill!
He said, fine, stay home. I did. That really freaked him out...
Anyway, I realized; this is who he is. An emotional abuser who doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship.
When he was a little boy, with glaucoma, the doctors told his parents "Never let him cry, he'll go blind faster". So, they did anything to keep him happy.
He used to tell me stories of his brother eating a candy bar, Ron wanted it, and his parents would take it away and give it to Ron. He was never disciplined until he did go blind; and this is what ensues.
In his world, things are "right' when I am rushing around, stuffing my needs into the closet, and pleasing him.
I am "sick" and "broken", to him, when I am assertive and set boundaries. He kept making comments about how I needed to take another pill, etc., boy was I really "wierd" today, and I realized that for him, it's true.
This is, really wierd, for him. His idea of a healthy relationship is exactly 180 degrees from what is a healthy relationship. Mutual respect, value, and understanding are just words to him.
I told him "I don't feel special and valued when you curse me out" - and he DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. It made me "lightbulb" - something is broken in him.
I also realized, Ron cannot take care of me emotionally. I need to disengage. I may or may not tell him this.
He kept asking if I would "Be OK" (the codependent pleaser) when he got home. I was really tempted to say something vicious, but I didn't.
I just didn't answer, he cursed, and walked off.
I can live with him as a caregiver and a friend, but I'm pretty much done with the "husband".
3 comments:
Let someone else take care of him and walk away. WHy would you waste your life being stuck with an abuser? And please dont post tomorrow about what a great husband he is. He is not! Save yourself!
Heather, it really concerns me that Ron considers himself a Christian (and likes to tell other people that they need to get saved so they go to heaven) yet the things he does are in fact contrary to God's word. The talking to other women, drinking, cursing, etc. If I was him I would not be so ready to go to the after life because he may not end up where he thinks he belongs. The Bible tells us we will know a person by their fruits and if the above are the fruits that Ron is producing he should be concerned and alarmed. Have you tried telling him his behavior is in direct contradiction to the Bible? I commend the long-suffering that you have endured in dealing with Ron. There is a book that is pretty good called When Life is Hard by James McDonald. This is a great book to maybe give to Ron. I just don't understand why people believe that because they are saved that they can get away with everything 'sinners' do. My guess is if the holy spirit does not convict your heart that it is wrong and you stop and change you are not really one of God's children. Ron's life should be a testimony to the miracles that God can work in peoples lives under extreme circumstances. Instead he is just a broken, bitter man who drinks his troubles away and mentally abuses his wife. He is the one broken Heather not you.
A-D, I don't think I am wasting my life here. I think I'm where I need to be, and I'm not really talking about the marriage when I say that.
Anon, I agree. He could be in for a very rude shock one day. Unfortunately, he doesn't really accept any correction from me.
It is shameful, what he does. I agree. I don't have to let his bitterness ruin MY life, either.
I'm choosing to have a good life; Ron is invited along if he'd like to join me. Otherwise he can stay in his cave with his pity party. I refuse to feel guilty or responsible for HIS bad choices.
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