90% Rule

I've had a lot of pain in my life.  As I was telling my sister today, I'm just a couple of missed pills from complete insanity.  I can't depend on my brain.  For one, I don't have the connections you do; processing information, planning, and executing things can be pretty excruciating, unless I'm manic.  Which brings me to the other thing; being insane.  Not much fun. 

Don't get me wrong.  When medicated, I will work that mania, milk it, and wring it dry.  I will focus that beam of energy and improved brainpower at various targets and find myself doing astounding things.  I work it.  I work it hard, because I know the depression is coming, and it will knock me down. 

So I do it when I'm manic, when I can do it; conversely I don't expect as much from myself when I am depressed.  I try to be kind and loving to myself.  I stay busy.  Sometimes I will plan a long outing, involving hours on the bus, just to keep myself distracted and around others.  I always do better in company. 

I have to watch my husband hurting; and when I love someone their pain is almost worse than my own.  I'd do anything to take his pain on myself.  Instead, I have to watch him struggle and suffer, attempting to manipulate his now-useless right hand, hobble around without falling, and ride in the wheelchair when we're out of the house.   To me, that's worse than both my disabilities. 

I know pain.  I have made an observation, over the years.  Two groups of people in the world:  those who see what they have, and those who see what they don't. 

I see what I have; to me, a pretty easy life.  I have a deep faith in the God who created me.  I talk to Him daily; He carries ALL my burdens!  I have food, security, and a pleasant roof over my head.  I have a nice little garden, and good co-workers.  I have a job I do well; and a husband who loves me.  I have medication to keep the demons in my head at bay.  I see, the gifts. 

Others might look at my life and say, Heather has brain damage, so bad she can't even drive.  She's completely dependent on public transportation and the kindness of those who can drive.  She has to eat a handful of pills everyday just to stay sane, and they come with some nasty side effects.  She has to work wierd hours, for a boss who doesn't always appreciate her.  Her husband is a verbally abusive alcoholic who sometimes won't even let her sleep at night.  He mocks her faith.  She has demons in her head that want to kill her; she knows they are there every minute of the day.  She has an illness that kills over 10% of the afflicted.  She's a couple of missed pills away from complete insanity.  She "has" to take care of her husband, who has a mulititude of physical and neurological problems.  How could a loving God allow that? 

I have a simple view: life is 10% what you have, and 90% what you make with it.  I take what I have and I USE it.  I thank God sincerely for all His many gifts; and the strong back He's given me.  I know I'm not doing this under my own power! 

I don't fear tomorrow; because I know no matter what happens, it doesn't matter.  What matters is how I choose to react.