I didn't sleep well last night, I had a hard time falling asleep and then Ron can be thoughtless and wake me up, told the time, is very "sorry" but still woke me up. And I don't want him checking the talking clock either.
I think I am going to encourage him to check the time on his cell phone before waking me up, UNLESS it is an emergency (fell, need toilet). But he has been really good with the toilet (commode chair) lately so I'm not needed for much.
I am very careful not to shame him about toilet issues. If he had any, that is. But the last thing someone needs is shouting or shaming when they already feel bad.
As a child I wet the bed twice. Both times I was forced to share my twin bed and it was my way of objecting. I do feel bad about that, it was petty. But, as I saw it, it was MY bed and I should get to keep it. But, when I did, my caregivers were very nice and understanding about it. "It's not your fault" etc. No blaming or discipline, which is probably one reason I was so "good" about it.
I do remind myself I wasn't saved back then. I will say it worked great, after those two incidents no one shared my bed again, I slept on the floor if someone needed it. No one figured it out, either, at least not that they told me.
I don't think Ron's family was as understanding, based on the way he acts if he did have a problem. Anyway we got that settled. Up at 5 AM for pills. He was awake so I just had to warm some beans, shovel them in, and the pills. The cheese did not work at all for him yesterday it got stuck in his throat so not doing that with pills anymore.
It was Cabot Extra Sharp White Cheddar cheese, and let me tell you I will have NO problem eating the entire two pound block by myself. It is so good. They actually found a review I did many years ago, back when I did comments, and thanked me. The one Walmart only has an 8 ounce block but the other Walmart, the one I use for prescriptions, has a 2 pound block for sale. And it is delicious.
For a while during my Very Bad Times I had problems with knives, they were just a little too easy when I was suicidal and I had a hard time taking my mind of the big sharp things in the kitchen, so I got rid of them. I brought back a steak knife some time ago and that has been fine. This year I also got a big chef knife. It really does a good job whacking up the cheese into tidbits. I am very careful using it because I could take a finger off with that thing, but it came with a little scabbard I use.
I would say knives were probably my biggest danger. I had persistent thoughts of stabbing myself in the chest/abdomen. My mother "cut her wrists" several times and only died at her time so clearly that is not an efficient method of suicide (and yes I know the "good" way to slice a wrist if it had come to that). Pills I was well aware I could just mess up internal organs and still live, but now on dialysis or whatever. Not interested. Jumping was another one I thought about. There is a high overpass near my home and at least one woman did use it to kill herself. If the fall doesn't get you the oncoming traffic will do it. Two problems: I saw a ER reality show where a guy jumped 80 feet and lived, but now he would spend his life in agony in a wheelchair and 2. I am terrified of heights no way I could get up there. And of course I knew to my core I would NOT die until my time but God WOULD allow consequences from any suicide attempt. So I focused on making it through the next 5 minutes, hour, etc.until the medication kicked in enough to help.
I haven't had any soda today (did have a caffeine tablet) and have a horrible persistent headache. I may have a Coke in a little bit to see if that helps, I need to eat and take my evening pills (morning ones went down OK).
I also need to figure out tomorrow. My plan is to go to the bank, convert the $1 into twenties, to the warehouse, buy supplies, and then to work and stock/rob machines. But who do I take for that? Obviously Jack to go to work. But for the rest? I'm not sure.
I already counted the money, it was pitiful. It's a good thing I am cutting back on the soda. And Ron doesn't need to worry about paying me for another week. I will have to be very thrifty. I can do that.
I took out the trash, they got the recycle already, and waiting on standard trash pickup. I didn't have a lot in my can but I have a policy to take it out anyway because you never know what is going to happen next week.
I did enjoy my VERY fancy devotional from Mom and Dad. I have talked about how I have found these poor "orphan" devotionals with inscriptions. "Morning and Evening" was a paper back and had a particularly touching message from 'Grandma". I read it until it fell apart, and, lo and behold, Thomas Nelson had a very fancy version with the fake leather cover, gold embossed, gold trim on the pages, fancy script, Grandma would have been proud. It even has a ribbon marker. I haven't found the "Kurt" one yet, that is "The Daily Book of Bible readings" or something similar. Kurt is falling apart, and my "NIV Daily Bible" which I bought with money Grandma (the good one) sent me for Christmas one year. That actually has most of December 31st falling out. I need to upgrade but that can wait. After all it is only September. The Daily Chronological and my "basic" NKJV Giant Print are in great shape though, but the Chronological has some wear on the dust jacket.
One time I picked up my Bible and it had dust on it. That was really sad and embarrassing. So I strive - don't always do it - to read everything every day get as much Bible/devotional (but mostly Bible) into my brain as I can, and then pray for literally everyone including you.
I chatted a little with my nephew - actually Ron's nephew. His family wasn't very supportive after his wife died and that is really sad. So I basically said "Yeah, they suck" and "I will be praying for you" which is really about all I could say.
Ron's sister has sown a lot of bitterness, rejection, discord and I would hate to be around when she reaps the harvest. I am also VERY glad she is out of our lives. I haven't heard anything about the brother but he's the one who kidnapped me (he is lucky I didn't file charges).
However, he had told Ron something which Ron then told me, because Ron and I don't have secrets. I used that to blackmail "Buddy" into returning me to the hospital. But I will never ride with him again.
That is the sad thing for me, I really thought all 3 of us were pulling together for Ron's benefit. Boy was I disappointed. So I am glad they are out of the picture, if you're not here to help get out of my way. I am the one who knows the medical history, gives him his medication, cleans up after him, helps him on the toilet,etc.and overall Ron is so sweet and wonderful about accepting the help. They are the ones missing out, not Ron.
Dad used to talk about "the magic word". When I would ask him for something he would say "What's the magic word?" and I would say "Please". Ron gets that, says please and thank you, means it. Let me tell you, that makes a difference.
When Ron went to the ER by himself back in April I called a few times, and during one call I said "I hope he isn't being difficult" and they responded, "No, he is the sweetest! We love having him here!" and you could tell she meant it. I hope I can be that sort of patient.
However, when I had my epic kidney infection back in 1993, was in the hospital for a week, queasy out of my mind and nothing touched it. Sleep deprived and very ill with a raging fever, I was so horrible to the nurses they sent the charge nurse in to give me the talk about, basically, not being a bitch. I am ashamed to say that. Hopefully I am MUCH better now.
I really don't want to be that person anymore.
Well, I had a little Coke and feel about the same so that was not it. I think it was just the hurricane.
4 years ago Ron's back was acting up so badly it put him in the ER, on our anniversary. At least no one is in the hospital today.
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