Friday, July 22, 2016

"Don't pay attention to what I say"

Ron woke me up sometime last night.  He had, he told me, extreme "zapping" in his leg and he couldn't sleep. 

He was sorry, he informed me, but he would be drinking well over his limit and would almost certainly have a blackout. 

Why did you tell me this, I replied.  I'm trying to sleep and that's just....

"Well, I know I'm going to act like a jerk but I want you to remember I love you."  He got all "greeting card" for a while, lovely warm sentiments, then repeated the fact he was going to have a blackout "Don't pay attention to what I say"

He asked what he could do.  I told him to lie down in bed because he falls a lot and gets lost "wandering" the house, cursing and crawling around.  Please lie down and save us both that.  He did. 

A couple of hours (?) later he woke me up cursing and falling on the floor.  He needed to use the bathroom.  I helped him get to the toilet and left him alone, but he was angry I "wasn't a better helper".  I have a very strict hands-off policy since the blackout in 2007 where he got abusive and left me covered in bruises.  I refused to "let" him walk on broken glass in his bare feet.  He also broke the bed tackling me. 

Anyway, cue verbal attacks, abuse, etc.  He keeps going on about "how perfect" I seemingly think I am, how I think Ron is a POS and none of that is true.  I am very clear on my flaws and shortcomings.  While I don't hate myself the way he seems to want me to, I accept I am a mixed bag of traits.  I know a lot of that goes to Ron's self-hatred. 

It got so bad (verbal abuse) I put on the noise-blocking earmuffs.  I heard Ron go into the garage and wondered how that would go.  CRASH.  Ron crawled back in, cursing me for "letting" him get hurt.  He apparently has a black eye (from what I could understand of his ravings).  Uh, that's not my fault.  It's his fault for drinking to a blackout.  It's not my job to follow him around nannying him during a blackout, even assuming he WOULDN'T be abusive (he is, when I try to "help").  I left him to crawl into the kitchen, get more vodka (!) and crawl back up the hall. 

I had started my God Time by this point.  I had finished the Bible Study part (Hezekiah and Isaiah), and moved onto the prayer part.  More verbal abuse (from Ron, not God) :P.  I put the earmuffs back on.  They didn't block everything but they muffled most of it and I could focus on praying for everyone, including you guys. 

I pray good stuff for you, peace, good relationship with God and others, stuff like that. 

I finished that up about the time Ron decided to go to bed.  Thank God. 

I went to the bathroom, finally it was clear.  He had been on the floor in there for a while.  At least, to my knowledge, he didn't pee on the floor. 

He did spill a can of v-8 in the bedroom.  That's going to be a real mess to clean up. 

So, it's 9:44 in the morning.  He's already having a blackout, says it's the "only thing that helps his legs".  His ID card is expired so he can't get any pain meds.  Not that I think that would be a good idea to mix with alcohol anyway. 

Oh, what a morning. 

Ron was so proud I would have "2 days to sleep in".  Not.  Quite. 

I'm debating if I should go back to bed for a while and get some more sleep while he's quiet, or stay awake and do household things.  I sure don't want to stick around the house today but we are in the middle of an epic heatwave. 

Decisions. 

2 comments:

Spankadoo Hardcastle said...

record his behavior for your personal archives and protection, if you havent already. Not maliscious or paranoid, just prudent right? What ifs are many, sadly i know this first hand. Much love and strength to get you through the storm...by the way? You are extremely mentally healthy when it comes to this reality..i may " suggest" but living in similar ( emotional abuse and abandonment) circumstances ..i know being confrontational doesnt work ....and life love and happiness comes to many people in differing ways...you accept being Rons nurse ..but i feel you pain because we would both love a little unconditional ego boost, minor sacrifice and genuine joy and decreased in thier hearts would make us so happy!
They will never see it so " acceptance" balence and " getting the fk out of the house for some FUN!" Can i get an " amen?" Oooxxx

Spankadoo Hardcastle said...

Ps Thank you for the prayers you are so sweet!

Garageland (for the cats)

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