Sunday, June 21, 2015


I hate when I'm depressed. 

  • No motivation or inspiration. 
  • I feel lazy, I already covered unmotivated.  
  • I am extremely fatigued.  
  • I have ugly moods, full of despair, hopelessness, bitterness, and just plain ugly.  I obsess about things and can't get the trigger out of my head.  I HATE the thought of letting that out on the internet.  If it does absorb our thoughts and feelings in some way I'll disease it.  
  • Even medicated, I still experience this.  It's far worse without medication. 
Doc was very clear: the goal is not to eradicate my illness.  Clinically, in fact, I am doing a lot better.  I am finally hitting average (baseline) moods for days at a time. 

He can't eliminate the ups and downs - this is a doctor with 50 years' experience.  What they can do is turn down the knob, to moderate the severity of my symptoms, and get me to a more functional level.
 Ron is not interested in moving into assisted living anymore.  Who can forget "All I need is a bed and a toilet!"  - his cry when he called adult services to get away from me, before my diagnosis and medication.   The cats don't run away from me when I'm manic. 

Sad, but true.  They used to do just that (well, not these cats, but "mine").  If you look at my home, Ron is fed, with food in the freezer.  The counter is cluttered but the sinks are empty.  Ron has mobility in his home, and feels safe.  The cats have 3 food bowls, 2 huge waterbowls, and all the treats they can gobble, thanks to Ron.  Well, I buy them.  My yard is presentable, the vending machines well stocked and functioning, the customers and my bosses happy.   I take a shower nearly every day, wear clean clothes, brush my hair and teeth.  I take time to do things I enjoy, but they don't consume me.  I pray and study my Bible on a daily basis, do regular Bible Handouts, and have all my materials well organized (Torbie likes to sleep on a case of Outreach Bibles).  I take all medications, and some supplements, at their appointed times and as directed. 

That's pretty much the goal right there.  It still doesn't feel like "enough" when I'm depressed. 

I'm not going to whine at Doc when I see him this week, although I guess I will tell him about the audio hallucination I had a couple nights ago, a man saying my name loudly.  It wasn't in my ear, it was "like" right next to it.  It is disturbing, even knowing it is just a symptom.  Probably need to go up on the Haldol.  Or maybe change it. 

I get some nasty headaches at 1 mg.  I'll do some research. 

Today wasn't too difficult as things go.  We got up early (although some neighbors played loud music until after midnight) and went to Walmart.  Ron had them correct the times and I had "just enough" to do everything. 

I went hungry.  So did Ron.  I ended up buying some chocolate, but otherwise stuck to my list.  We looked at a portable power charger (from $7-$19), but Ron decided he would rather use one that utilized standard batteries instead of a power pack.  I actually have such a beast, so I'll "let" him use it should the need arise. 

I like my neon pink power station.  It charges off a USB.  I used it to charge my phone before the tropical storm last week, and it worked.  I then recharged it off my computer.  Not a bad little critter. 

I was going to get some emergency ration bars, but they had sold out.  Not surprising.  I like to give them as gifts to people who might not otherwise think about it.  "What will I eat if I am stranded in my car?" 

It might get someone thinking about taking some additional steps.  :) 

I try to be subtle. 

Anyway, I couldn't find those (I wanted to get them for Doc), so I got some cheap $1 pocket flashlights instead.  They are very bright (see "Is it on yet?" post), and cute.  I always bring him wrapped mini candy bars, too.  I call it "The copay". 

I am tired of trying to find 5 gallon bucket lids.  I read a suggestion online to put supplies into an 18 gallon storage crate instead.  I like that.  It doesn't scream "Doomsday freak" like a lot of 5 gallon buckets.  Everyone has the boxes.  Not everyone has my contents.  :p 

I will try placing things into the boxes this week.  I don't know when I'll have the energy. 

Ron said he didn't need treats, so we didn't get any.  I had him in the Kiddie Cart.  He has been very supportive lately.  When he is abrupt, he apologizes.  He has a lot more empathy.  I can see God working in him. 

We checked out.  I got a breakfast sandwich.  My mood was so abysmal (even shopping!), I went home and took the whole day's dose of everything, all at once.  I can do this.  Doc was very clear on my dosing. 

I did that.  Don't regret it.  I get horrible thirst and need to urinate after taking the lithium, so I prefer to take it earlier in the day.  Otherwise I'm up all night drinking a gallon of water and urinating every 5 minutes. 

I counted, the last couple nights I still get up at least twice, to urinate.  Cost of doing business. 

That's the nice thing:  my illness is so horrific, unmedicated, I cannot live without medication.  If I don't take my medication, I will die. 

I know plenty of people who stop taking their meds and seem to live reasonable lives.  Not me.  It's not just "I won't because it is a bad idea" - and it is a terrible idea to go off bipolar medication.  For me, it's more "If I go off this I, at least, will die, and probably others". 

That makes it pretty simple! 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are amazing Heather!

A trip to the hematologist

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