He doesn't want that

Ugh. Very frustrated and more than a little burned out. 

Backstory: me, mentally ill, taking very strong drugs for same.  Not the fun kind, either.  The puke your guts out, exhaustive fatigue, brain fog kind of drugs.

That's on top of the brain damage. 

Now, to that let's add a week straight of migraines, yet having to work in spite of same.  Heavy manual labor and pushing a wheelchair. 

We're not done: let's add wracking abdominal cramps and worse. 

I have been getting up, between 2 AM to 5 AM, every day.  Sometimes I get enough sleep, sometimes I don't. 

Two days in a row I couldn't take my antidepressant, my migraine was so bad. 

Today we worked and came home.  I got a nap.  Then I spent hours on the computer figuring out the order system for the wholesale company.  Ron only had to "sit in" for about half an hour, yet he complained constantly and kept drinking. 

This morning he was so toxic and negative I blew up at him.  He asked me "What was wrong" so I told him "You keep crapping on me and then you call me dirty!  What do you think?  Today is not the day to dump your stupid reality crap on me." 

Ron is obsessed with the thought that "reality" isn't really "real" because "Everything is made of atoms so nothing really exists".  Someone (I believe a mental health professional) told me he uses this is a coping technique, because if he believed his life was "real" it would be too much for him to handle.  He's always going on in this vein, condescending when I'm happy about something ("It's not real you know") etc.  I tell him to leave me alone, stop, etc.  He seldom listens unless I am yelling. 

Then he wants to know why I yelled.  Ron is not always a respecter of boundaries. 

So, all this.  I told him I had not been feeling well - he knew all of it. 

I told him I was going to fix a cup of noodles for dinner.  He made a couple of comments about the cup of noodles so I know he heard me. 

I sat down to eat, finally, telling him I'm doing this, and he decides he wants to "run change".  "Running change" for Ron means pestering me every 30 seconds.  I set some boundaries, I kept telling him I was eating, but no he doesn't respect it. 

If I had kept bugging him to calculate food costs while he was in the bathtub you can bet I would have heard about it. 

The machine jammed.  I tried to fix it a couple of times, couldn't do it.  I finally told Ron it would have to wait, I had to finish my meal (remember I have been "helping" him all day). 

He agreed in a martyr's voice.  The he decided to try and disassemble it himself.  "I can't get it to go back" he said.  Clearly designed to "hook" me "Don't break it!  I'm coming" and get the "help". 

I told him to stop, I would get to it AFTER I finished my meal.  He kept bugging me. 

I finally told him to get away from the table.  I took apart the coin sorter, disassembled it, fixed it (Ron had the wrong size coin tube on the output).  I told him, firmly, I would not be helping him until I finished my food.  He kept bugging me. 

"You get one more" I told him "And then I'm done for the night.  I need to eat so I can take my pills.  Do you want me to take my pills?" 

Finally done, then he went away. 

He came back later and apologized.  I told him, we need to have a new policy.  I will tell you, I will not be able to help you for the next 45 minutes.  Unless you are bleeding to death you respect it.  Otherwise I'm going to burn out. 

You don't want that. 

I'm his only caregiver.
I'm his only employee. 
I'm his wife, which hopefully also matters. 

He doesn't want me burned out.