The grace to deal

I am so frustrated.  We went through all this trauma and drama to get Ron's back fixed. 

Now his knee is acting up.  WTF?  It's been catching and causing him to fall, and almost fall, repeatedly. 

So (sigh) back to the doctor.  We will see what Doc says.  I tell you one thing, he is not doing a knee replacement.  That is a really long and painful recovery. 

It is really hard for me not to be angry at Ron.  I even yelled at him today. 

It is weak that my 70 year old parents are in better shape than him. 

I can't really even be upset at him for abusing himself, because he didn't really do anything.  He just ran into a cabinet while propelling himself in a wheelchair.  At the rehab center.  Up to that point, he had been doing great. 

Not even one day...

Yes, I am having a royal pity party.  I figure it's better to "point" it here. 

While I love people telling me I'm such a loving, empathetic, compassionate, person, I know better.  I know at times I just want to yell at him. 

"Well" you may say "You have a lot on your plate.  You are battling brain damage and extreme mental illness in addition to running a business and being a caregiver for Ron".  Yes.  But I feel I should be able to handle it. 

Especially as an evangelist, I'm supposed to be showing God's love everywhere I go.  I certainly didn't feel that way. 

I get frustrated and angry.  I want a healthy, vibrant, husband, and I have a frail old man, old before his time. 

"I'm 61" he told me.  I know more agile 80 year olds. 

I know.  I remember when he was 37 and enjoyed hiking for hours.  He used to call me "the camel" because I drank most of the water.  I remember when he walked 2 miles each way, to work, until he got run over. 

Too bad the driver didn't have that "intelligent pedestrian detection" the day of his accident.  He could have used it, although from what I hear he was going so fast it probably wouldn't have mattered. 

I expected Ron to deteriorate, but I didn't expect it this quickly.  I sure didn't expect so many things to go wrong.  He was fine for years after the accident, but back in 2008 it all went downhill.

It started with an infection along his jawline.  The internet, and my books, said to lance and drain it.  However, our doctor didn't want to do that, she wanted to wait and see, and wait some more, until finally the thing broke open on it's own and started oozing pus. 

She gave him Bactrim and a shot of penicillin.  He had an allergic reaction to the Bactrim and developed neuropathy, which persists to this day. 

Yes, I'm sure the drinking doesn't help. 

After that we had other highlights, including the rectal bleeding of last year. 

"We" have had countless operations and diagnostic procedures.  "We" are tired.  "We" are sick of mobility devices and adaptive equipment cluttering up the house and garage. 

Mostly, I am tired of watching him hurt.  It was agonizing to watch him after his operation last month, he was literally screaming in pain. 

Yet, from what I read, the operation should be good for "about" 20 years or so.  Hopefully, by that point, they will have advanced the medical technology so Ron won't have to have an "open back" procedure again. 

I look at him and I wonder "What next?" 

I have to figure God will give me the grace to deal with whatever it is. 

Comments

Anonymous said…
You should see what alcohol has done to my dad. It makes me furious. And then there's what alcohol did to you...i hate alcohol and support prohibition.
Anonymous said…
We are all fallen creatures in need of frequent Grace. We all have moments we wish we could take back. I had a very impatient moment this week-end when I was trying to lift something heavy for one of his pet hobbies. No longer able to work, I am short on energy, strength, and endurance. We do the best we can from day to day, and some days, we just have to break the day down to tasks, or parts of a task. I thing you are doing terrific, with everything you deal with. Thinking of you both, keeping you all in my prayers every night.
I hope venting here helps. From what i have read myself? You are one of gods children, even as an evangelical, you are human as all get out amd with that? Yup you get to not be perfect, it is impossible so just face it and cut yourself slack. Get angry, just dont hold it in get it out in healthy ways, and yup yelling once in a while is part of it sometimes.

Dont ever feel guilty for normal emotions, if you didnt get pissed at him? Omg imcouldnt read your blog! Because you would be too good for me! Shit i yell ! Because infeel so unheard sometimes i just need to make sure!
Huge healing hugs. Sorry about Rons knee what a shitstorm! Hang in be strong care for you however it works.

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