Paul wrote in the Bible, it is easier to remain single, because a married woman is always trying to make her husband happy (1 Corinthians). If, like me, you are married to a hostile believer, you are constantly forced to choose between pleasing your husband by totally neglecting your faith life; or nurturing your faith life and earning your husband's disapproval, verbal abuse, and anger.
Ron acts like he's caught me cheating on him if I tell him I'm doing my God Time, one reason I get up 2 hours early and/or do my God Time while he's napping. He's just hostile.
Today I had to listen to him telling me I was "fearful, afraid of God", God Time was "worthless and pointless" etc. I would expect better from a man who tells literally everyone he meets not to take the mark of the beast. Out of the house, he is a "good witness" so to speak, he talks about Jesus, forgiveness, salvation; inside the house he yells at me for reading my Bible and praying.
It's a very difficult position. He knew I was doing my God time and "wanted to tell me a good blog title". I reminded him I was doing my God time. "I'll just get a mistress then". I gave him a cutting reply I will not share. But it was good.
He finally left me alone after more muttering and cursing at God. I should add here he was drinking the whole time I was doing my God Time.
Interestingly enough, I don't hate alcohol. I have met enough temperate social drinkers to understand it's not the alcohol, it's the user. But alcohol magnifies everything bitter, resentful, and angry in Ron. That's what I hate. He was so sweet and loving in the rehab hospital, when he wasn't drinking. It was, he was, a joy to be around. I spent several hours a day with him because I knew it wouldn't last. I was right. The minute the alcohol came back, so did the bitterness, envy, anger, resentment, and complaining. Oh, the complaining.
I didn't see a speck of that when he was "dry".
So, I've got two problems in one. I have an alcoholic - I think - he was able to go dry for weeks in the hospital without a problem so maybe not full blown alcoholic? I'm not an addiction specialist, although I feel like one at times. He has to drink every day, if he has it available, so I think, yes, alcoholic.
The alcohol magnifies his inner resentment towards God and people who are happy with Him. I value my relationship with God, it's the most important thing in my life, even if I forget or neglect to do my God Time, He's still #1.
Ron resents that. As a narcissist, he wants to be #1, and he's not. That makes him bitter and resentful. Add to that his own issues with God "Why was I born blind?" etc., and you have a messy, angry, bitter, resentful, verbally abusive, lashing-out, monster.
I'm caught in the middle. I value my relationship with God. I value my relationship with Ron. Years ago, I would shove God aside in favor of pleasing Ron. I was a real doormat. I didn't allow myself to have any needs or a voice in the relationship. I'm not proud of that, and I find it very sad. I remind myself God forgives me.
Ron yells at me. God waits patiently. God isn't yelling at me. God loves me so much He died for me. I go to God. It's pretty simple at the end of it.
It is sad that my marriage has to be tested like this but I have to guard my faith. Ron has his own relationship with God, God reminded me one day. I'm not to get involved in that. I'm just to pray and be there for Ron if he needs me. Unless it's during my God Time. Of course, if he sliced his finger, or fell and hit his head, I would help him, but most of the - all of the time so far it has been something that could wait. The worst so far was a cat, I forget who, vomiting somewhere. Ron didn't know where and was scared to walk on the floor. I think I got up, located the vomit, told Ron where it was, and went back to my God Time. After I finished I cleaned up the mess.