Crazy Sucks

I don't like to complain.  Venting is one thing, whining another. 

I go up and down.  I get paranoid.  Things really piss me off.  But I don't talk much about the psychotic features. 

I can get delusional.  For a while, I was utterly convinced someone's daughter was actually mine - the person didn't live in Texas - I never revealed any of that.  I just gritted my teeth, reminding myself the person didn't look at all like me, and I had never been pregnant.  Even then, I had a hell of a time.  I should have talked to Doc about that but I forget if I was seeing him at the time. 

The invisible bugs are my other, more popular, feature.  This one always freaks out Doc's assistants.  They get profoundly upset and disturbed, and they aren't even living it.  Basically, I feel like I am covered in small, jumping, flying roaches.  They crawl over my skin constantly.  It comes and goes. 

Lately, they've been pretty bad.  Bad enough I took an extra Haldol (don't try this at home) one night.  I probably should have called the emergency line and gotten permission.  But, like Doc said today "40's the upper limit.  2 mg is nothing." 

Anyway, I went back to my "as directed" 1 mg because I'm seeing doc today.  Bugs came back.  Sucked.   Crazy sucks.  No whining. 

This morning I saw the hurricane is headed towards my adoptive aunt's house.  I sent Mom (adoptive) an text and she called.  No, auntie is out of town.  And has a basement.  That could be bad.  We chatted until my ride arrived. 

We had a very long, bouncy, ride to Doc's.  I noted it appears to be a 2 bus trip.  Doc says he doesn't mind if I leave Ron home next time. 

It was interesting.  Most of the time, people are very quiet and behaved in the psychiatrist's office.  Today, a teenage girl in a clear manic crisis arrived.  She was in bad shape, very restless.  I felt bad for her, and more for her mother, who was clearly worn out. 

I think it's a lot easier to be the crazy person, than to love them. 

We were called in by a new assistant, who did the visit.  I told him about the bugs and he got a little odd.  He was really freaked out when I told him I was "A little manic".  As I told him, and doc, later, once I take these (brandishing the afternoon meds in their little bottle) that will resolve.  Doc agreed but the guy was just very stiff and awkward. 

I don't even see myself as a difficult case, but maybe it's the first time he had a manic, hallucinating, patient. 

Ron's been cool.  He just makes jokes about bug spray, or terminex.  I found the jokes very funny. 

Doc came in (he was talking to the teenager in crisis) and agreed to raise my Haldol.  We agreed everything else is fine.  Doc didn't find my (very low grade) mania alarming (I crashed into depressed after we left) and agreed I am very stable. 

So, we left, met my aunt, did lunch.  I had a brunch burger at Applebees.  I haven't found a lot I like, on their menu, but I did like that.  More important, the lithium & friends liked it too. 

My food has to agree with my medication, then taste good, then provide nutrition, in that order.  I can't eat a lot of things I used to love because I just get so queasy!  And this is taking ginger root with every dose! 

Enough whining, I said I wouldn't do that. 

My aunt took us home, praise God.  We took a nap (Ron and I, I don't know what my aunt did after she left). 

We work tomorrow, a moderately long day, but not too bad.  We agreed we can't "leave the machines" two days in a row, unless we have an emergency, at least not until after Christmas.  I don't mind.  I'd rather work a shorter day every day, than have a long frenzied stocking day. 

We work Saturday, too, but I don't mind.  I like working Saturdays. 

I guess I am "crazy".  :p