All Important Pride

Today I was reading part of an old diary that runs from 1991-1997. 

It was profoundly depressing.  Ron got mad at me.  He was mean.  He threatened to throw me out.  I had a good day out by myself.  Came home.  Ron was mean. 

It's like - wow.  He was a creep.  It didn't get better.  About the only time he didn't threaten to throw me out was the time when I paid all the bills.  He still did a lot of pouting and dramas.  He has a very bad habit of pouting, sulking, and "punishing" when things don't go his way. 

Today was a good example.  Our first ride was a contracted cab.  He arrived an hour late.  After we got a couple blocks from the house, I realized I forgot my badge. 

If it were up to me, I wouldn't have even mentioned it but I knew I'd have more hell to pay if I didn't correct it now.  As it was, both Ron and the driver had hissy fits when I POLITELY asked to go back. 

They kept blowing out angry little sighs and the driver drove like a maniac.  Speeding.  Cutting off every other vehicle.  He was trying to play chicken with a 2 ton pickup.  He's in a minivan.  Stupid.  I seldom have the need to ask God for physical protection, but I sure did this morning. 

"It's your fault" the driver said, catching a glimpse of my face in the rearview.  "If we didn't have to go back....and I have a scheduled pickup at 7:30." 

Why didn't you just come on time? I thought.  No one forced you take this trip.

I hate it when manipulators screw up and try to make it my fault.  Ron does it a lot. 

Then he had a tantrum because we didn't have a ticket.  No, we have a yearly pass.  That's what it says: yearly pass.  I had to tell him no one else has had a problem before he would accept it. 

Ron, by the way, was still busy being terribly upset by my failure.  I often remind him.  I have two choices.  Take the medication, or don't.  I don't have any other options.  And yes, it makes me forgetful. 

I tried to ask him if I ever act like that when he screws up, and if he'd been honest he would have said no.  He would have said I'm "Always very kind".  He has, in fact.  I've even gone out of my way to be very nice to him after a "screwup" and say "Please remember this the next time I make a mistake."  It doesn't work. 

He still has that stupid thing in his head that says I have to be punished.  Ugh. 

I did my shopping.  I was feeling kind of foggy so I asked God to help me remember what I needed.  And I kept finding things I needed, but had forgotten, out of place everywhere I looked!  I thought that was very cool. 

They got rid of Cart Attendants at that hour, so I have to load the truck myself.  Not Fun.  I did it, though. 

Anxiety has been a little better, and I hate to admit, does seem to be connected to my intake of artificial sweetener. 

We got to work, I unloaded.  I thought it was funny, one of the other vendor's employees said that my offerings were better than the ones he can get for free, from his boss.  I took that as a large compliment. 

Later on I did eat my beef and noodles, but it didn't agree.  It's not the meal's fault. 

I did everything.  You name it, I did it. 

I also ended up talking to management, who've decided to move our fridge/freezer unit again.  This time it will be in a better location. 

I said that was fine by us, but to contact Ron.  Ron is sensitive to issues like that if he feels I am going around him and "acting like the manager". 

Ah, to spare the all important pride. 

Now, my experiences with medication and mental illness have been pretty humiliating.  I don't like walking around stupid.  I don't like making mistakes.  I don't like having weird thoughts running wild in my head like a pack of little kids. 

But. 

That's how God made me.  To, I'm sure, help keep me humble. 

Do I think I am humble?  Not yet, hopefully better than yesterday. 

I'm plotting a Bible Handout.  Ron is sulking because he wanted to drag me out after a long day at work. 

When I got home today, I took a nap for an hour and a half, and I needed every minute.  Ron is still asleep. 

When I finished, I did my God Time.  I didn't take a shower this morning, not up for it.  Besides, I get all sweaty unloading the truck anyway. 

Now I just need to work on some laundry, check the mail, bag up some candy, and get the rest of the Bibles going for the handout.