Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Pessimism has served me well

I'd like to say I don't require a lot of attention, but I'm starting to question that assumption. 

Ron did apologize for "getting weird" last night - pretty much the minute I woke up.  I was pretty depressed (chemical, not him), so I just did my God Time. 

We went to Walmart and I got some spices.  I would like to create some simple rice-n-bean dishes, with lentils, things that are nourishing and easy to prepare. 

I found myself getting very frustrated.  I had gone to all the trouble of getting a special cart so he could accompany me, and he was on the phone with the bank!  I wanted to ask him if it couldn't wait until he was by himself, and not with his wife.  This is why I think I might be a little more intensive than I previously thought. 

I mean, God love him, nearly every time we are spending quality time together, he takes out the phone, checks all the bills, checks the bank balance (I am glad he does this, just not when we're together).   I know "providing" is part of his love language.  He wants to make sure I have "what I need" but what I really want is attention! 

Don't I sound bratty?   [Sigh]  I'm not sure how to address that because he often says he's afraid of forgetting something.  God knows I can understand that. 

We also had an interesting discussion last night about hearing aids.  He asked me if I'd like him to get fitted. 

No, I concluded.  First, I'd have to clean it, and let me tell you, Ron's a waxer.  It is pretty disgusting to clean ear wax out of a hearing aid, and with Ron I had to do it every day. 

Secondly, I am accustomed to speaking loudly when we talk.  Ron was always clamping his hand over his ear, the hearing aid squealing as he begged me to lower my voice.  But then when he wasn't wearing it I had to shout at him. 

I said, I assume you want me to be 100% honest.  Yes, he replied.  It would be a lot easier for me if you didn't get a hearing aid.  You can't use it at work, the televisions and the machine compressors would drive you nuts (not to mention he is in tight spaces that cause hearing aid feedback).  He agreed..  I'm used to shouting at you.  It is hard to remember.  OK, he said.  Lastly, I said, you know this is coming, I really don't want to clean it! 

OK, he responded.  He was just worried I was desiring this, and he wasn't doing it.  No worries on that account, I told him. 

Ron has been apologizing a lot lately for being so "infirm".  I told him, quite honestly, I expected it.  I always look at the worst case.  Ron is 20 years older than me, he has a family history of stroke and arthritis.  He has both.  He had a personal history of back trouble, when we met.  I figured he would become debilitated, he is 20 years older than me. 

The accident, at the end of things, was not a big surprise.  I have had more trouble with his periodic setbacks than I did the original disability.  So I am training myself to expect setbacks.  Yes, he's getting around the house on a walker, now, that doesn't mean he will next week or even tomorrow. 

Pessimism has served me well.  I would rather not deal with the expected Bad Thing than not anticipate it. 

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