Wednesday, May 13, 2015

I should move to Acres Homes

Last night, as I was going to bed, I found "my" cat (the large brown and orange tabby) lying in the hallway.  I gently scolded her, bent my knees (!), picked her up, and took her to bed, gently placing her in her spot. 

"You can do whatever you'd like" I told her "But I'd love to sleep with you tonight.  I sleep so much better, and I miss you when you're gone."  She purred, accepted some petting, and decided to stay, all night.  Wonderful. 

As usual, I woke up exhausted.  I was also moderately depressed.  I was pretty groggy, too, from my medication. 

Ron spent most of the morning shouting at me, ordering me around, and name calling.  At one point I said "You just called me 'stupid' and 'spineless'. you're yelling at me, and you wonder why I'm distant?"  I showed some annoyance but I didn't sink to his level. 

He has a couple of issues:
1.  He thinks, if I don't perform to his expectations, he has "a right" to unleash whatever verbal abuse he feels appropriate.  Any name calling, shouting, derision, etc., is not only appropriate but expected.  However, I never return the favor.  There is no reasoning with him.  He is absolutely convinced this is OK.  God will have to work this issue out.  In the meantime, I put up walls, and wonder if he even notices. 

2.  He has no understanding, or desire to learn of, my side effect profile.  He accuses me of "faking" and using my illness to manipulate him into "letting me get away with stuff".  I try to explain; he won't hear it.  Today I suggested, very careful to maintain a neutral tone of voice, that he call my pharmacist and ask her what he could expect, performance wise, from my medication.  He flatly rejected the idea.  Of course he won't, because she'll tell him he's lucky to have me talking and walking, period. 

3.  He has no desire to learn about my illness; to understand what's driving me, what I battle, etc.  The only thing I ever heard from him, honestly, and this was many years ago "If you're really that bad I need you to leave".  It's hurtful.  I have done everything I could to learn about his problems, so I could understand, offer support, and adjust my expectations if needed.   He barely understands a severe depression probably means I don't want to go out to dinner. 

I cannot expect Ron to be the same spouse I try to be; simple as that.  However, I do keep my commitments.  He may be ugly: I won't.  He can be bitter, hateful, spiteful, harangue me for hours a day, mocking my faith and deriding God - that doesn't mean I have to do it here.  Done. 

So, other than that, work went well.  I got everything stocked on my end and helped Ron with his.  We counted the money, went to the bank, and I got paid early. 

Ron gave me some extra money.  I felt like he was trying to buy me off for his bad behavior.  I nearly threw the money back in his face, but decided, since he was presenting it as a "love offering", I would receive it as such.  I don't want to be ugly, I've had enough ugly in my life. 

We went home.  Police everywhere; someone got carjacked.  I'm not safe in my zip code.  I should move to Acres Homes and live amongst my recipients - I always feel safe there. 

I took a short nap (I'm not kidding about that fatigue).  I woke up with Biscuit! lying on my foot.  That's how I say his name: BISCUIT!  He's a good boy.  I hated to get up, but we had to go to the mall.

I helped Ron figure out his new digital recorder.  He wanted the more advanced (complicated!) model but they made it pretty simple regardless.  

I read a book on body language.  The book stated to never, ever, look over the top of your glasses at someone, it is demeaning.  I don't want to do that, and my glasses have gotten a little loose on my face, sliding down a lot.  I decided I might as well get that done at the Sears, buy some vitamins (done), and Ron could get the chicken takeout he likes.

He was very nice about waiting.

He got angry at God, expecting a lousy pickup, and prayed aloud for a good ride.  Right then the ride showed up, it was a very nice man who has had us before.  We got home pretty quick.

I did my God Time (yup, that depressed this morning) ate, took my pills, and turned on the computer.  

I keep wanting to change the litter box but cats keep coming along and defecating.  I'd better get it now before someone else shows up! 


2 comments:

icebear said...

we have a customer at work that wears her glasses on her chin. i find her amusing, not in a derisive way, but maybe- entertaining is the word. she carries herself as someone who wants to be intimidating but she reminds me of Bill Murray somehow. i truly like her. but seeing her peer at me over her glasses (way down low) and nonchalantly and ask me for answers to obvious questions..... well, she's definitely from my planet, heh. Maybe someday, i'll rock her world by offering her a sincere hug.

Anonymous said...

I hate giving you advice to be honest , this is you blog and who am i! No one! But your husband is who he is , you stay with him because you have choosen to, and your a wonderful soul...folks seem to bombs all around rant, spew hate, poke poke poke..and raging it is awful, younare abused indeed Heather......you know this have figured things out and desl with it. When he is good it seems he is very goid, when he is bad he sounds rotten....Ron diverts any attention to him..by berrating you. And the best thing you can do is protect yourself ...you do that...but you also know about " care giver burn out" if you do not find equal pleasures to offset the pain.....so hopefully yountake this as intended ...fun thoughts of things I do, i will share not advise you to do ok ready? With love ...have you tried a simple yoga class? They are free on youtube all kinds all levels? Also you know what I do? I have gotten snapped up in the coloring trend ..treated myself to colored pencils and printed free pages..i know your hands shake...mine too and i have arthritis...but it is sooooo soothing...and you seem to adore colors! ...one more idea amd you can do this while you are with him as well...polymer clay! I sit and make things on a small tray...lately cupcake earrings so simple cute and best of all easy! Just shating , also i have a very good lentil recipe, can put it in your comment if you want..you can mix it up,when you feel good put in zippy bags ..then toss it in the pot when you want to eat just add water and simmer ...can you join a Y and go? They are susidized...thay is it. I feel like you hate advise, but later think about it and if it is goid you take some, i love advice so if you say none of your business...fine. But i am a super long time fan so please dont 😘😘😘 hugs and love to you!

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