Pushed me away

It's vital for me to be honest here.  In so many places, I have to put on the brave face.  The one that has people going "You?  You get suicidal?" 

Yes, [expletive] I do.  I'm just good at fronting. 

Well, I'm not suicidal these days, but I do dream about another man.  I knew him in childhood.  He was a very kind and empathetic young man - amazing when you consider I was a crazy train at the time.  No, it was not John.  Someone I knew earlier. 

When I went to sleep last night, I wasn't even thinking about my marriage.  I was happy Torbie got into my bed.   I was thinking about Broken and how I will handle Jenny's other man. 

At any rate, I had a lovely simple dream.  We were hanging out and talking about his wife and kids.  [I found him online, and he's very happily married (as I'd hoped) with two great kids.]  We watched a movie and chatted a little, then I woke up. 

It makes me realize the things I do lack in my marriage.  Some of that due to Ron's head injury, I suppose.  I would rather credit some bad behavior to the head injury than not credit true damage.  I've had that myself; people demanding a standard I couldn't give.  I won't do that to Ron.  I will say every doctor's said he had a lot of profound damage. 

Other things are due to choices Ron has made.  I can only say he believes he "deserves" a "better standard". 

I said this about a week ago, I feel like God is showing me Ron can't be the husband I want, but God himself can provide my emotional needs.  I hope that's what God is trying to teach me; that's what I'm absorbing. 

Is this what I want?  No.  I want a vital marriage, one that is not based on need.  One where I'm not told, when he's angry, that he only married me for a caregiver and employee.  Is it true?  Probably to some degree.  Only God knows the answer to that. 

Is it going to hurt me, or my marriage, to put my eyes on God first?  No.  Everything I hear says just the opposite. 

I guess, and this is probably what Ron thinks too, I just wish I had more.  A more vital, positive marriage.  One free of the constant complaining about God's timing and "cruelty" in waiting on the rapture.  The tribulation's going to be cruel - God is going to get everyone out He can.  If you want to get raptured, get off your blind butt and work on sharing the gospel. 

I get tired of hearing "You have a beautiful spirit, but..."  Why do people always put the but after the compliment?  It totally destroys the compliment.  It feels like a participation ribbon - pretty, but meaningless.  The tail end of the remark is always cruel. 

I get tired of hearing him scoff if I talk about anything, including the blog, out of his interests.  I listen to him talking about all his science books and romance novels.  I act interested, even if I'm not or I don't understand, because it matters to him.   

Why can't he pretend some interest when I tell him blog statistics went up?  He has flatly refused to have anything to do with "Broken", when I'd love to bounce some ideas "offa" him. 

It's like he's starving me.  I don't feel he takes me for granted so much.  I never heard so many compliments as I did the day we got caught out in the rain, bringing sodas to work.  I just wish they weren't all "merit based" - that I could get appreciation and attention at home "just because". 

I wish he felt as though I were the most important person in his life; not because he needs me but because he wants me and loves to have me around.  Sometimes I envision a miracle healing for Ron; he is now "fine".   Would he still want to be married?  A lot of me doubts it. 

As it is, I go running to God.  Many, many, women, and even Christian women, end up running to another man.  Caregiving for a head injured spouse is very hard.  Living with bipolar, psychotic demons in my brain is very hard.  Living in this world is hard. 

I have to remind myself, he will answer to God.  It's my job to live my life in a way that will glorify Him.  So, I run to God; He's never pushed me away.