Not a bad day

I've noticed something.  I mention Bubba's death, and people want to console me. 

I, however, don't want to accept it, I just rush on and talk about something else.  People look baffled and a little hurt.  I think I'm afraid if I really acknowledge it, I'll start crying. 

Due to my illness, I had a lot of "inappropriate" crying in public.  It made people angry and uncomfortable.  I learned to "cork" it. 

I think after a while, with my illness, I learned to villify all pain.  I hurt so much, at such a high volume, when I was sick.  So I associate ALL mental pain with being ill, weak, and broken. 

Academically, I understand I need to grieve and get it out of my system.  I have a hard time missing Bubba at night, for instance.  I made a lovely Bubba photo my wallpaper on my computer, so I see him when I'm looking at my desktop.  I have a hard time in the bedroom, and in the computer room, because that's where we spent our time. 

I did pretty poorly after Frosty died.  Ron was doing badly and Frosty was my main emotional support.  I had a hideous depression, so bad I considered never getting another cat. 

I've noted something else, when people hear I've lost Bubba, they want to tell me about their losses.  I heard all about one driver's hamster today.  She even missed an exit, she got so into storytelling.  I guess it's a little like a pregnant woman hearing other women's stories of childbearing. 

I'm sure they have a psychological term, but sometimes I just feel raw and I don't want to play. 

I stayed pretty busy today.  The guys came out but they couldn't do the work (long story). 

I mowed the yard.  It looks great.  When I came in Pretty Girl was in Ron's lap.  I sat down nearby.  She let Ron pet her for a while and then got in my lap.  She is such a sugar lump. 

After the guys left, I took a nap, then Ron and I ran some errands. 

This is how we do it on paratransit: we went to Starbucks.  Ron stayed, I left.  I went to the office supply store and got him a padded envelope to return a talking book (he mailed an empty case and still has the book cartridge).  Then I went to the pet store. 

I bought Ron 4 bags, at his request, of Blue Kitty Yums.  The girls love them, and they're a lot healthier than the old treats.  The store had coupons, and a sale, so I combined it and got some freeze dried treats, fish treats, and shrimp treats.  The girls prefer the shrimp, and actually ate treats together on the porch as I petted them.  Then Baby Girl sniffed Pretty Girl's butt without any drama.  They're getting on great. 

So, I got the treats, and a new teaser wand (both cats love the teaser wands), and came back to the Starbucks.  Ron had left his cell phone at home, so I loaned him mine. 

He was so happy I had a "dumb" phone, one he could operate on his own without any drama.  He kept thanking me for being nice about it. 

God knows I forget things all the time.   It's kind of a running joke with us now, don't trust me to remember anything. 

So, still battling depression but not a bad day.