Am I a demanding person? Possible. My shoulders are really feeling this morning's weight workout; a combination of powerlifting and other moves. I'm also pretty strict on my God Time; I feel I cannot afford to leave myself unprotected if I'm going out and sharing God with people. Bad Things want to hurt me, I should be as close to God as possible.
When it comes to others, not so much. One loved one has an ongoing alcohol issue, I have left that to them and God. I try to be a forgiving person, asking God to "Put Your Love in my heart" for those-who-done-me-wrong because I know only He can fill me up.
I ask a lot of myself at work; it's seldom you'll find either me or Ron taking a break. I work harder for my husband than I ever did for any other employer.
When I found a book at the Christian bookstore I got excited. Hopefully a new and exciting book about a church rebel reaching the unreached (I think "lost" sounds condescending). Winning souls for Jesus and changing the world!
Well, the guy was very into changing the world. Kind of a modern day Hippie. The Bible was mentioned in every chapter. Nothing inherently WRONG with a grease car (a car with an engine converted to run on used fryer oil from restaurants), but nothing massively Biblical about one, either.
I read the whole book (hundreds of pages) listening to him go on about greedy churches and redistributing wealth,righting society's wrongs, and never once did I hear him mention telling OTHERS about Jesus. It was all that "friendship evangelism" crap I hear over and over again.
Oh, I tell them I'm a Christian, and I'm nice to them. Well, whoop-de-do-too. Did you give them a TRACT? A Bible? Did you tell them HOW to become a Christian? AAAAGH. Evangelism is telling people about Jesus, not being a nice guy and mentioning him in passing!
I swear, if it wasn't for one particular message board and a nice guy named Gary, I would feel like I am the only grassroots evangelist operating in the country! Don't worry, I understand -boundaries- now. I can't say much to any man or he'll turn into some groping mutant. UGH. The longer I live, the more ready I am for Heaven.
[Head in Hands] I am proud and honored that God has called me to do what I do. I ask Him to keep me useful, and I pray I remain so. I ask God to keep me humble and obedient to doing His will. If He says "NO" I don't, if he says "Go" I do.
I anguish over how many God Times are necessary a day. As often as needed? But I need the couch and the notebook, or do I? Is it enough to ask God a few times during the day "Please take care of all my usual requests?" or would He rather I enumerate them individually? I'm still working on the questions.
When I start my workout, I try to thank God for a healthy body and ask Him to keep me safe as I do work out. I mean, all I have to do is ASK.
I feel so starved spiritually. I feel like no one is sharing God's truth: one way to Heaven, through Jesus, who was HAPPY to die for everything you ever did and will do. God is a God of love, a God of Mercy, and a God of Justice. When bad things happen, He cries with me.
When Ron's having an awful day and hurting, God cries with me, and He loves Ron even more than I do. God has chosen to bless me with a lovely little home in a nice middle-class neighborhood. I still struggle with feeling unworthy 6 years later. I'm working on accepting the blessings; an issue for me, I guess.
That and how many God Times and what exactly constitutes a God Time. I think I do have one advantage, the ugliness in my life forced me to be very dependent on Him for everything; so I'm used (I hope) to leaning on Him. If I catch myself worrying, I remind myself "Fear is anticipation of future pain" and leave it at God's feet. He's a LOT bigger than I am, and He's got things covered I never even thought to worry about!
I cannot imagine a life without Jesus in it. I can't imagine walking out the door and not asking Him to guide me in everything I do.
I'm just tired of feeling so alone. Am I the only one sharing Him?
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