If the Dr Pepper has dust on it, don't buy it.

Ugh. I accidentally got an OLD case of Diet Dr Pepper today. The only advantage, I see, is that compared to these things a glass of water looks pretty appealing. Based on the bottle cap design, I just now realized they are over a year old. Eww. Since I DO need to drink more water, I'll keep them. I sure won't be drinking them fast!

Before I wrote all this I determined I had a justified gripe; that it wasn't just mood poison (not mine!)

Ugh. I need to buy a stopwatch; I really believe Ron has no idea about his negativity. It isn't that he's upset and angry and feeling persecuted; it's the length of time he goes on about it. Safe to assume between half an hour to an hour a day. [groan] If I can confront him, and tell him "You know you go on about how angry you're at God, for an hour and a half yesterday?" maybe it will help him self-correct. [shrug] Maybe we can even turn it into a game. I hate the idea, but I am desperate.

He goes on about how he's persecuted because he's "poor" - bitterly resenting the cost of my blood tests (probably $150), but spending over $700 on HIS root canal, and $50 out on restaurant meals with friends. I take care of myself, he doesn't. Who should be upset?

Then he goes on about how unfair it is that he's blind, his parents were ignorant, if he had intelligent parents he would have valued education and made more money... but he's blind so he can't. He really believes that more money is the answer to every problem he has in the world. I tell him no. A lot of resentment and anger at God, who he sees as the "Great Persecutor". If anything goes wrong, it's 15 minutes of him yelling at God about God's unfairness and persecution.

I have told Ron repeatedly, I NEVER tell him I am sick, because the ranting is worse than the illness. I would rather struggle and sufferby myself! I don't want to hear the ranting! I would rather be quietly sick than hear the ranting! I cannot say "I have a hangnail" without listening to a TIRADE. I have ENOUGH problems.

Talk about unfairness! We have a GOOD life. A lot of Ron's problems, are Ron's making. Like the root canal. Let's just say he didn't know the location of the toothpaste, and didn't want to. If I told him he had a bad breath issue it was ranting again. Easier just to gag silently and thank God he isn't "into" kissing.

Today is a great example of how Ron's world revolves around Ron:

The fireworks kept freaking out my cat, who climbed into my bed several times meowing at the top of his lungs. I'd wake up, reassure him, pet him, and we'd settle in until the next round. He's the only one who can break "Don't wake me up or I'll GET you" rule. [laugh] I think it's the big green eyes in the silky black fur.

I did not sleep well, but got up resignedly at 2 AM because Ron had it in his head we HAD to go to work early to turn on the vending machines. He has been very defensive about the decision to leave them unplugged. [shrug] I kept telling him NO ONE CARES.

This drink is awful. I think this case will be a fantastic way for me to cut back on my soda intake.

Another thing, he is SO into "What the neighbors think". If someone on Metrolift asks me why I don't drive, I tell them "I have mild brain damage, I can't process the information to drive safely." They go "Ooh" in an understanding fashion. Then Ron leaps in "But she can build a computer... etc.... she drove ONCE...." It's like, shut up already. You don't want to be with the gimp? Sorry. I am. Not to mention the whole "Built a computer" gets the radar up - people think we have a lot of computers and crap, or I am the answer to their EVERY computer problem and start treating me like tech support. Why can't he just leave at "Mild Brain Damage?" He always leaps in now, with "Because her mother drank alcohol when pregnant". It's MY business, really, and it tends to massively freak out some females who might have done the same. They get very defensive, start problems, and tell me there's "nothing wrong with you". A hassle I'd just as soon avoid!

Or he goes off telling people I'm bipolar, that's MY information. I actually had to tell him, last year, when he was talking to the women on the "chat line" (they were looking for "hookups"), not to tell them I have bipolar disorder! I don't want him telling my personal information to a bunch of ignorant tarts. He was like, oh, I already told a bunch... sorry.

I can just hear it... "My wife and I have a lousy relationship... she's BIPOLAR you know." UGH.

Ron has been acting overly sweet the last couple minutes, probably because I don't want him around right now. Anyway, he's like "What's wrong?" I told him, SICK of the negativity all day long! "I'm not upset now!" Yes, that was the last 10 minutes, what about the 20 hours before that? Just leave me alone and give me time to get all YOUR crap out of MY head.

He started cursing me out and left me alone. Ugh.

So, I got up at 2. God time. I just found out I have to go to bed in 20 minutes... GREEEAAT.

So, I got up at 2. God time. Did up some candy. Our ride came. Went to work, carrying a big cardboard box of sandwiches. I started turning on all the machines, from one side to the other.

No, Ron stopped me. I had to go do the food machines... and then after I got them up and running he felt all the sodas with the door open for about 10 minutes, then stocked "colder" drinks into the machine.. with the door open all the time. If he had just left it shut the drinks would have gotten cold faster than his stocking thing. I was silent. I don't tell him what to do.. I made a "suggestion", which he mocked, and left.

I found a huge nasty lake around the coffee machine. I got all the other machines going and went back. At first I couldn't figure it out, but one error message kept coming up "Tank Low". The coffee machine has a tank that holds hot water, then it dispenses as the customer punches up the order.

When I got the machine on and cleared up the messages, I witnessed a lovely rain shower in the back of the machine! Apparently we have a bad connection. I couldn't get back there to fix it so I turned it off ...

Got cursed out again. I love how his "apology" starts with "I'm sorry... " and ends with "F-YOU!" The latest invective involved the fact that I only "love him when he's not hurting". The same applies to RON!

So, 5 AM I am on my knees scrubbing and mopping. Once I cleaned up the water, I laid additional shop-towels on the floor of the machine in case I had any more leakage. Got it looking pretty good; then off.

We hit Foodtown on the way home. Some complaining on his part because we had an extra 15 minutes. I got some meat, cheese, powdered sugarfree lemonade, and some veggies. Oh, and the lovely Dr Peppers. Ick. I did get some Powerade Zero.

You know, for a guy who worries about me "losing my faith" he sure is hateful. "If God really loved you he'd ease up on me, so I'd ease up on you." What I have to say to that would involve words unprintable on Blogger. I asked God to convict him.

I mean, it is so OBVIOUS to me Ron is just letting the Devil put any old thought into his head, gobbling them up as absolute truth, using Ron to attack me, and Ron just LETS IT HAPPEN. For a guy who claims to be a real scrapper, he sure just rolls over. Hard to respect that.

Hard to say "I am absolutely committed to this marriage, and making it work." God, in me, can say it. Right now... sigh. It does not appear to be "worth it".

Anyway, good thing I got the Powerade Zero. I am partial to the blue flavor. He just shouted something but I didn't process it. That's the NICE thing about Central Audio Processing Disorder. I only get about 1/2 of what people say to me.

With Ron, in a mood like this, a good thing! [laugh] See, I can still laugh. I like that about myself. After I finish blogging I will eat a good dinner, take my pills, and do my God Time. Half the time, especially when Ron has been shouting at me and MY temper is up, I don't drop off on time anyway. I might as well flush all of it out of my head before I go to sleep.

So, brought home the groceries. Ron was upset because the pickups didn't line up the way he wanted... not worth the drama! It worked out fine like it ALWAYS does.

I think I am going to tell him, I will see my doctor by myself. I really don't want to be stuck with him in a small vehicle for up to 2 hours each way, and having to "tend" him everywhere. At least in the house, he can go off by himself. He knows the bathroom, kitchen, etc. He can take care of his own needs without me taking him there and waiting for him to finish...

Anyway, we went to Starbucks. I did, he got a drink and went home again. I went off for a small day Out. I checked out the sporting goods store and found a cute, new, microfiber t-shirt. I am getting addicted to them! They are WONDERFUL running around in the heat and humidity! They don't get all sweaty! I also got a jumbo-pack of sweatbands and wristbands. Total cost about $30.

I hate it when sweat runs in my eyes, or is dripping off my face (happens every day, baby!), so the headband/wristband work well. I am paranoid enough about the gangs to go with plain white. I think the blue and the red gangs work nearby. I never see the thug boys in any other colors, except black!

I have a vision of a white gang, full of accountant-geeky-looking skinny white dudes, with receding hairlines and white buttondown shirts. Khakis and socks pulled up to their knees. [snicker]

After that I called Mom and Dad, and caught the bus over to my bank. I turned on my debit card, which I WILL NOT have time to use tonight. I went to another grocery store and found some great drink powders.

About this time Ron called me, ranting about the backyard. I told him, I told you as soon as it dried up I would mow, but it has been raining for over a week now. I am not taking an electric mower, with a cord, out into wet grass! Especially since the cord has been spliced!

He says he's going to go mow right then and there. [rolleyes] Great. Let me tell you something, Ron can't mow the back. He has literally gotten lost back there. He's fallen, and it's a good thing the mower has a kill switch. He KNEW saying this, that he was blackmailing me into "helping" (ie - doing the whole thing).

It's the middle of the day, hot and sunny and miserably humid. "Oh, you don't HAVE to mow right now, you can do it later." I told him, I was already sweaty and didn't want to take two showers (true).

He goes in the house, and I begin. It takes about an hour to mow the back with this mower. About halfway through, he sticks his head out of the nice air conditioned house. "Come on in for a cool break!" I told him no, I'd rather finish. I hate relaxing and then having to wind myself up again, especially, as of this time, I had been up for ELEVEN hours straight doing physical things.

I didn't workout today. Ha! Rest day my butt! Not to mention, poor butt and legs are pretty stiff!

He told me he had a cold soda for me. I went in. Where is the soda? Don't you have one in the fridge? No. I was pretty pissed. I got a powerade instead - my second.

A lot cheaper than a visit to the ER. I went back out and finished. As I told him, the grass was TOO WET. It kept choking the mower! But he extorted me by saying "If you don't do it, I will."

For a woman who was just accused of NOT loving him, it's pretty funny, wouldn't you say? [rolleyes] Finally finished. Took my shower.

While I am IN THE SHOWER he starts screaming about his computer won't work. As soon as I get out, instead of lying down like I'm desperate to do, I get roped into "helping" him. Yes, I know I am co-dependent and my boundaries are WAY too rubbery. [laugh]

I told him I couldn't get it to work, and went and laid down. He woke me up telling me he had figured out it was a bad keyboard. He wanted me to put my glasses on and look at it. I told him I believed him. He actually laid it down on the bathroom floor.

Ron, I DON'T CARE! Just give me TEN MINUTES to do what I WANT, OK?

He put away the mower and then complained that the garage was "too cluttered". Most of the clutter is his crap. I asked him "So, do you want to look at the three floor fans you put out there?" He said no. He is still convinced it is all MY fault.. and the majority of it is his crap, like the tomato planter I didn't want, but he ordered anyway.

You know the rest. I will probably get to bed late, but Ron is QUIET right now. Good. I need to put up my groceries (the non-perishables), do some laundry, and all the other stuff I would have done if I hadn't been MOWING the too-wet yard in insane heat index.