Time Suck

Ron admitted he was envious when I told him about Sharon. The way things are going in the world, I'm pretty sure the Rapture will come "right quick" and we won't be in our bodies much longer anyway.

I also decided that a lot of my message board activities are a big "time suck" and some days, take away from my God Time and Ron time. Those relationships are important.

So, I plan to continue blogging as normal, but cut way back on the messageboards and facebook for a bit. I have had a couple of days recently where I had to skip my God Time due to internet.

I got up at about 8 this morning, finally felt like I slept WELL. I had lovely dreams, too. I had done my exercise bike later in the day and I think that helped, that I'd done it. I got up and did my weights - grrr. I did it all. I did it all so intensely I had attacks of the shakes. It was a great workout and I am seeing encouraging strength gains.

Now, I need to time my workouts so I can go donate platelets next week. Cancer patients and people like my Dad get the platelets, and I want to be donating. My veins, if they're going to get "better" thanks to my workouts, should be better by now. I'll have to find out.

I also plan to ask for the good guy. He did the best stick ever on me. He did not do me last time when I had all the troubles. I wished he had.

I had my protein shake after the workout and was glad I had. Our ride to go to Burger King was 2 hours late. The two drivers I had were just the nicest guys and good drivers, but awful navigators.

I got a couple of my Heatherburgers (double cheeseburger plain, add BBQ sauce and bacon, throw away the bread). They were good. I was hungry enough that I really wanted some fries, but I told myself "You can always have fries later, after the burger". I didn't.

We had planned to go to Starbucks but those 2 trips were so awful we cancelled. Maybe tomorrow.

Sharon went to Jesus

For those of you who know me from the message board, especially my old blog, you will recall Sharon. She was always so kind, sweet, and full of good advice, generally EXACTLY the thing I needed to hear. I never ONCE heard her say an unkind or gossipy thing.

She was a great role model and a bold Christian; I recall her saying on one occasion that she wasn't ashamed of Jesus. I know she was saved.

She was diagnosed with cancer early this year. By the time they found it, it had already spread to several organs. She managed to hang on for a while, but then it spread to her brain. She was miserable with the radiation therapy so she made the decision to stop.

Today, she went home. On a rather alarming note, she is the second blog reader to die of cancer within a year. Zer died of breast cancer in September. It's a good thing I'm not superstitious or I'd shut this thing down!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R5ss-eBK-A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno

Some songs that seem to apply; I hope you enjoy them.

I know, when Ron wakes up, I'll cry all over him and tell him Sharon went to Jesus. He will get that look and tell me he envies her; he died years ago and would love to go back. He will chide me gently for "being sad" and tell me I should be happy for her; she's happier than I could ever imagine.

He's right. But I'm still going to cry my eyes out. If you read this blog, please get a checkup. I don't want to lose anyone else.

Busy but good

Work went great. So did the visit.

I got my pallet of junk food, took it to the stockroom, put it on my hand cart and stocked those machines! Whooe! Ron and I even took a break together, he ate a cup-o-noodles (that's what he wanted) while I ate my veggies and sausage.

We rode around a bit after work and got to John's house pretty quick. I, of course, had to use the bathroom. When I came out, John's cat was in Ron's lap. What a sweetie! Both of them, John and the cat.

We had a great visit. I sat on the floor and crocheted cat toys while kitty stalked them; and Ron and John talked on the sofa.

We plan to have John over for dinner soon; I think it would be a blast. A long ride around with a driver who was new-to-us.

Finally, we got home! Naptime! Even the sound of gasoline powered yard equipment didn't stop me from falling asleep. I had some odd dreams but nothing bad.

Then I got up. I plan to make some soup tonight. Tomorrow some fun date type stuff with Ron.

Good Morning!

Monday I bought some new deodorant. Not a big deal, except this time it was scented.

A little known fact: often the first thing I hallucinate is a fragrance. Tuesday I kept freaking out when I would get a whiff of the deodorant. Oh, man. Poor me. It's pretty funny now. "What's that fragrance? I smell something?!"

Yesterday I got up pretty early, went to work. Ron's boss came by and gave us a favorable review. He's a good guy. I did up an inventory and called in a delivery; not bad considering I had such a horrible headache.

After work, we went downtown to the Metro store (the only one in town) and got Ron's annual pass. Boy, what a thankless job, working there. The candy bags were a big hit.

I have not been sleeping well, but I managed to catch a small nap on the way home. When we got home I went to bed early, but could only sleep a few hours. Once I woke up again it took me hours to fall back asleeep. AGH.

I am glad I have a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. I need it. Our ride will be here in about an hour and fifteen minutes.

I was GOING to do the exercise bike this morning, but I am exhausted enough that I think it's a bad idea. We aren't at work forever, and then after work we are going to visit a friend of Ron's.

John was actually Ron's teacher in high school. He helped Ron by putting print stuff into braille and vice versa. He's a very nice man.

After we visit John we're coming home. Hopefully I can get another nap, then do the exercise bike when I get up.

Saturday, tomorrow, is another weight day. I am not happy with my weight right now, I may cut back severely on the dairy or eliminate it all together... at least for a while.

Sleeping better will help that; I am eating minimal amounts of peanuts too. [shrug] We'll see.

Anyway, I just wanted to say Good Morning before I head off into the shower.

I've been neglecting you

It's been a wierd week - when ISN'T it? Agh. My sister laughed her butt off when she called because I told her I really just want a nice boring life.

God signed me up for the adventure package. Monday was busy, work - some tension there with Romeo but nothing worth reporting, then the bank and the mall. After the mall we went to the dentist, and THEN we went to Walmart. At some point, it poured down rain while I was pushing Ron across a parking lot. I put a tote bag over his head. He was very cranky about getting wet as I literally dripped on the floor.

Tuesday, God had me doing the Big Bible Handout. That was tons of fun. Finding out the bookstore is out of "MY" New Testaments - discouraging. I had to get some supplies and that cut into my budget. Ouch.

I ran off more "Where to Look In the New Testament"s. I went to Favorite Dollar and got yet MORE ziplocks, which are mostly gone already. I handed out virtually everything I had on Tuesday and went home.

Tuesday night found me bagging up stuff for today, and of course praying for everyone who got a Bible. Lots of happy, eager, faces. I told them I'd be praying. I will. I pray for you, too.

Ron, in the meantime, had eaten an ENTIRE bag of pork rinds and was pretty sick. Then the cat brought home an insect - into my bedroom, in the middle of the night. Then the hunting of the insect. AGH. Didn't sleep well.

TODAY, went to Foodtown. Did the budget thing and just got the basics. That killed my budget. Agh. I got $20 from Ron for my "fun money".

My cell phone holster broke and I am using a fannypack with a broken zipper to carry my phone. I tried to find a new one when we went to Walmart, no sucess. They had 2 fannypacks, both awful and extremely overpriced.

So I guess I will be using the broken one for the short term. It is handy for holding cash and all.

Tomorrow will be interesting, we go to work, then we have to go downtown on an errand I'll tell you about. Nothing bad but could be more "excitement". In about an hour, I'll cook up something for us to eat tomorrow. The place we're going doesn't have a deli.

A good photo of the sign.

Let's Go Get 'Em

For me, a Big Bible Handout (BBH) is a lot like a sneeze, it just becomes overpowering until I NEED to go do it. I always ask God for a few hints, and He gives them.

Ron offered to buy me Bibles, and asked how many I had - not typical.
I got the right amount of tracts I needed
Bible studies kept backing it up.

I mean, how can anyone read Romans 10:14-15 and NOT want to go hand out some Bibles? I just got that tonight, AFTER I did a BBH.

"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" - NIV

So, last night found me bagging up 30 or so New Testaments. Me, I want to hand out as many as possible. God desires OBEDIENCE, not quantity. One tract might have more lasting impact than a million Bibles, if God has prepared a heart.

So, I bought a handcart and a milk crate, did up 30 and went to bed. I had it all planned how *I'd* do it. [cough cough]

Well, this morning came and I realized God wanted me to do MORE New Testaments. Awesome.

I had gone to Lady Footlocker and gotten some more t-shirts, I picked a REALLY cute flourescent pink shirt. People could see me coming for a long ways off.

I had the cart. I had the milk crate, happily STUFFED with New Testaments. I had my beautiful sign.

I prayed seriously and found the right corner. I unrolled the sign.

FREE BIBLES.

I had over 60.. .they were gone in less than 45 minutes. I also got some lovely encouraging comments from other Christians. :)

Then the cart and I went and had a fun little day out. I got rained on but I had a poncho.

Tomorrow hopes to be a more leisurely day, but I'm feeling a burden to load up on LOTS of Spanish material.

Yessir.

When I cry, God cries with me

Am I a demanding person? Possible. My shoulders are really feeling this morning's weight workout; a combination of powerlifting and other moves. I'm also pretty strict on my God Time; I feel I cannot afford to leave myself unprotected if I'm going out and sharing God with people. Bad Things want to hurt me, I should be as close to God as possible.

When it comes to others, not so much. One loved one has an ongoing alcohol issue, I have left that to them and God. I try to be a forgiving person, asking God to "Put Your Love in my heart" for those-who-done-me-wrong because I know only He can fill me up.

I ask a lot of myself at work; it's seldom you'll find either me or Ron taking a break. I work harder for my husband than I ever did for any other employer.

When I found a book at the Christian bookstore I got excited. Hopefully a new and exciting book about a church rebel reaching the unreached (I think "lost" sounds condescending). Winning souls for Jesus and changing the world!

Well, the guy was very into changing the world. Kind of a modern day Hippie. The Bible was mentioned in every chapter. Nothing inherently WRONG with a grease car (a car with an engine converted to run on used fryer oil from restaurants), but nothing massively Biblical about one, either.

I read the whole book (hundreds of pages) listening to him go on about greedy churches and redistributing wealth,righting society's wrongs, and never once did I hear him mention telling OTHERS about Jesus. It was all that "friendship evangelism" crap I hear over and over again.

Oh, I tell them I'm a Christian, and I'm nice to them. Well, whoop-de-do-too. Did you give them a TRACT? A Bible? Did you tell them HOW to become a Christian? AAAAGH. Evangelism is telling people about Jesus, not being a nice guy and mentioning him in passing!

I swear, if it wasn't for one particular message board and a nice guy named Gary, I would feel like I am the only grassroots evangelist operating in the country! Don't worry, I understand -boundaries- now. I can't say much to any man or he'll turn into some groping mutant. UGH. The longer I live, the more ready I am for Heaven.

[Head in Hands] I am proud and honored that God has called me to do what I do. I ask Him to keep me useful, and I pray I remain so. I ask God to keep me humble and obedient to doing His will. If He says "NO" I don't, if he says "Go" I do.

I anguish over how many God Times are necessary a day. As often as needed? But I need the couch and the notebook, or do I? Is it enough to ask God a few times during the day "Please take care of all my usual requests?" or would He rather I enumerate them individually? I'm still working on the questions.

When I start my workout, I try to thank God for a healthy body and ask Him to keep me safe as I do work out. I mean, all I have to do is ASK.

I feel so starved spiritually. I feel like no one is sharing God's truth: one way to Heaven, through Jesus, who was HAPPY to die for everything you ever did and will do. God is a God of love, a God of Mercy, and a God of Justice. When bad things happen, He cries with me.

When Ron's having an awful day and hurting, God cries with me, and He loves Ron even more than I do. God has chosen to bless me with a lovely little home in a nice middle-class neighborhood. I still struggle with feeling unworthy 6 years later. I'm working on accepting the blessings; an issue for me, I guess.

That and how many God Times and what exactly constitutes a God Time. I think I do have one advantage, the ugliness in my life forced me to be very dependent on Him for everything; so I'm used (I hope) to leaning on Him. If I catch myself worrying, I remind myself "Fear is anticipation of future pain" and leave it at God's feet. He's a LOT bigger than I am, and He's got things covered I never even thought to worry about!

I cannot imagine a life without Jesus in it. I can't imagine walking out the door and not asking Him to guide me in everything I do.

I'm just tired of feeling so alone. Am I the only one sharing Him?

Why I take my pills

I had a good day off today. Ron and I slept in, I got up and did my workout and God Time. I had a nice refreshing shower and we went off to eat some BBQ.

We brought the wheelchair so we had the option of taking the bus home, which we did. After eating, we went to Foodtown.

Since I am doing fine with milk, I have decided to add in 3 glasses a day, maybe another one on a heavy workout day. I LOVED milk, but a horrible bout of food poisoning several years ago "did me in". Now, it's back. Yay!

After Foodtown, and one gallon of whole milk heavier, we went to the bus stop. A very pretty woman was there. She was carrying a backpack and had a restless look.

She was manic. A man at the bus stop was making sexual overtures. It was obvious watching her that she was/wasn't interested. The mania was demanding she respond positively to the attention, but she, herself, was not into the guy.

I tried not to watch. He was touching her and kissing her, and it was obvious to me I couldn't stop it. The bus finally came, thank God, and we got on.

As I pushed Ron home from the bus stop, I thanked God for the upper body strength that allows me to push him around. It was easy to get him up and down off curbs, etc.

But I couldn't stop thinking about that woman. The only difference between her not sleeping alone tonight, like it or not; and me, who can say No to unwanted overtures?

I took my pills today; she didn't.

I smell like chicken

I smell like chicken. Wednesday Ron took me to Foodtown and I scored lots of meat, including some "chicken tenderloins" that look and taste delicious. A lot of chicken every night for me, I'm happy.

In fact, Ron laughs because I only eat chicken 2 weeks out of the month. For me, chicken is a completely hormonal food choice.

I also got a pot roast (Ron is addicted to my pot roasts) and some skillet steak. I also "tried" some milk.

I have been adding some dairy back into my diet. Full fat cottage cheese was a little iffy, but once I got that going I was fine with full fat yogurt. Today I tried some whole fat milk. If I can drink milk, I think it will definitely help my protein intake. I think the carbs would be "better" than peanuts, for instance.

I am still trying to find my peanut happy place, too. How many peanuts are enough? What will make me gain?

My weight has been a bit stuck with the experimenting (about 178); not to mention the workouts. I have been doing weights every third day. Powerlifting, even.

My strength has gone way up (up 20 pounds just on my squat this month). I assume I am adding on muscle mass, retaining water and fluids for muscle repair, etc. I'm doing this somewhat blindly.

As long as I am not gaining, I'm calling it a win. I will probably sit down and formalize dairy and peanut intakes this weekend; then work from there.

After Foodtown we went home, and then went to Starbucks. We came home, I took a nap, did some cooking, and bed early.

I got up at 3 today, did my weights, got ready for work, God Time. I handed out some Bibles today, it makes me happy.

I have found it interesting, three times recently I have had dreams that God rescued me. You know I believe in the Rapture, I believe it won't be long now either.

Do I think I got a "Message From God"? No.

Encouragement, maybe.

Bible Time

I always pray over the Bibles and candy every morning and ask God to send me out with the right amount. He does.

Yesterday, I left the house with the usual bag of what I refer to as "Driver Candy" (New Testaments bagged up with a tract or two, a scripture booklet, and a couple handfuls of candy). I had a good day out.

I find it interesting, that no one ever refers to what I give them as a Bible. Anyway, a few days ago I was at Walmart. I had bagged up whole Bibles with a "Read your Bible in a Year" tract (2 chapters each from Old and New Testament), and the usual stuff. I checked out and handed one to the cashier. It was in a gallon ziplock bag.

"Oh!" she goes "There's a book!" It said HOLY BIBLE in 2 inch high letters on the cover.

I smiled I said "It's a good one! You can enjoy the candy while you read it!" She kept it.

I was waiting with my husband, who is in a wheelchair. About 10 minutes later another employee walks up to me "Do you have any more of those books, Heather?" Sure, how many would you like? Two? OK. She had a look in my bag while I was getting out her Bibles. She was curious about the New Testaments and looked into my bag. I showed her, English "candy", Spanish candy, etc.

She walked off with her Bibles and came back a little later. "How long had you been carrying those books?" I told her, I just put 'em in this morning. I seldom carry something more than 1-2 days. She gaped at me.

Yesterday was busy. I went to an office supply store because my formatted "Where to Look in the New Testament" tracts came in. A printer formatted them for "tract" and sent me about 100. I wanted more. I headed off to the store and explained.

He had a look at them and promised to do his best. I stood there waiting at the counter while he did it. Eventually, all done. I thought they looked great and had a lot of fun folding them last night. I offered him some "candy".

He said "I don't want the candy, but I'd love THE BOOK." There's that BOOK again! They WILL NOT call it a Bible! I don't care what they call it, as long as they take it home and read it.

Then, off to Starbucks. This one can have some odd people there. We have a stay-a-week motel there, and many "homeless" people live there. A lot of them are obviously mentally ill. Yesterday, a guy who was obviously bipolar (he was manic).

He seemed very unpredictable and as I walked in I felt God telling me "You're going to give him a Bible". I told him, OK Lord but I'm going to do it when YOU tell me, because I do not want to flip his switch!

I went and had my drink, sat down. I read my book for a while and watched this guy bobbing up and down in his chair. Oh, boy. I decided to head home and went to the bathroom.

As I left the bathroom, I passed him, on his way to the Men's room. Ah. Bible time. I put a Bible on his table and bolted out of there.

Later on, I heard him yelling at the top of his lungs and wandering around outside. I was glad God had done it that way.

So, on my way home I am carrying a huge tote bag on my left shoulder. My cell phone is in its holster on my right hip. My bag gets very heavy and I shift it from one shoulder to the other, right as I pass 2 older kids playing ball.

I got home - I had 3 bags of "candy" left. I knew I'd distribute them sooner or later and I didn't worry. Then my aunt calls. I lost my cell phone. The kids found it; and their mother is waiting for me to come get it. All 3 of them. Three. So I picked up my plastic bag with the THREE New Testaments and candy, and gave them to my rescuers, along with a $10 "Thanks for being Honest". I ask God to keep me useful. Had I NOT lost the phone, I never would have given them Bibles.

Keep me useful, Lord!

I am sick of drama in my life

An unfortunate side effect of this whole fiasco has been a marked reluctance to share ANY details of my personal life now!

We worked Saturday, ate lunch, went home. I took a sudafed which had my hyper and I didn't get to bed until late. I slept late on Sunday, did some housework, and went to bed early... tried.

Apparently Ron had had it with me "helping" him. I made an offhand comment about a garbage bag that resulted in a half hour profanity-laced tirade when I was trying to sleep. I spent the whole tirade praying for him and begging God to at least let me get some sleep.

Even after he wound down, it took me a while to fall asleep. I got up at 3 AM, did my weights, and went to work.

I asked Ron for moral support; a bad idea. I got another tirade on how it was "My fault" because several years ago I laughed at a dirty joke... UGH. I asked what role the other guy had, then, when I consistently kept asking him to leave me alone and he kept bothering me? Ron got kind of purple and began yelling, at me, at work, in front of people, which was LOTS of fun.

He is blaming me for this. That is obvious. All I want is for the guy to leave me alone and Ron wouldn't even "let" me say I had been harrassed!

Anyway, finally went in the shared hallway, REALLY regretting I had EVER asked Ron for help. 

Can I have one, too?

I make an order with World Missionary Press whenever I am getting low on booklets. I put the booklets into the candy bags and hand them out either solo or with a Bible.

My last order had a large amount of children's booklets. I didn't know why, but I knew God wanted me to have them. I figured I would save them for Halloween. God had other plans. [ha! Doesn't He always!]

I need to backtrack a little. I actually love kids, but I have had some awkward and awful problems. One place, the kids were very sweet and I enjoyed spending time with them outside. However, some other children were in a very unsafe situation and I had to report it. I had talked to the parents and was threatened with violence. Then, I made an anonymous report.

Ha! The social worker apparently liked "Mommy" so well she told my name. Mommy tried to run me down and threatened to beat me violently.

Why? The toddler baby was left alone, playing in the street, with a push-toy because he couldn't even walk yet. One day he went behind the Metrolift van and the driver nearly killed him. SHE talked to the mother, a lot of shouting and profanity from Mommy. Mommy decided to kill my cat instead.

Thank God it was moving day. In our current place, I had 3 children came up to me one day and wouldn't leave me alone. They came by every day and wanted to stay for hours. My home is not child-proof and I didn't feel comfortable having a toddler in my home. If they were older, I would have called it stalking. They came by every day and spent hours shadowing me outside. I like kids, but this was creepy, and I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. I knew I needed to be away from kids.

Ron talked to them and they left us alone. I felt kind of bad about it but have to wonder about the mother. I was seeing things; and she didn't even know us, had never met us, and her kids were spending hours in my company!

So, my interactions with kids have been pretty stiff and awkward. I have been very reluctant to hand out candy to children because of the usual cultural bias and just interacting with them.

Until today. I got up, did an hour workout, ate, showered, did my God time, and talked to Ron. I prayed about it and did up the candy bags. Then I left the house. I handed out candy to all my usual drivers and cashiers.

Yesterday, I mentioned I had handed out some candy to a pre-teen who was very eager. She was even more excited about the Bible. It was obvious she was starving for Him, and brought a whole new meaning to "Feed my sheep".

Today, as I got on the second bus I saw a Spanish guy who had obviously just been shot or stabbed. He had a pressure bandage on near his shoulder, his arm in a sling, and a young man with him (a little younger than yesterday's girl, about 9). God laid it on me to give him some candy, which I did after "getting" the driver.

He showed it to the young man and some discussion ensued. "Do you speak Spanish?" No, I replied. "Can I have one, too?" I looked into his eager little face, and could see that he was hungry for God too. Dad was grinning at us both. Of course I gave him one. He gave me the most beautiful smile.

I thought it was funny, I warned him the candy was hot and he tore right into it. He knew. Apparently, if you want to do some Spanish evangelism, "Pulparindo" - the red kind, is THE BEST candy ever for them.

I got off and went to Favorite Dollar. I got about 200 baggies, enough to last me about a month or so. The cashier calls me "Candy Lady". She grinned when she saw me and laughed when I told her how long the bags would last.

"She hands out candy" the cashier explained to the lady behind, me, who held the hand of a little blonde girl. "It's really good, see?" She held up the bag I gave her.

Mom reconsidered me, so jauntily clad in my purple shorts and t-shirt. "Would you like one?" I gave her a bag, and she gave it to her little girl. "Thank you!", and another beautiful smile.

So, I guess I'd better start "packin'" for kiddies now, too.

It'll just be hotter tomorrow

So, the last couple days have been busy or I would have been blogging. Tuesday I had my Day Out; I got up early every day pretty much and did my workouts. Either weights, cardio, or both... I have a system I'll detail later. The only days I took off were scheduled. I have seen good increases in my strength, AND when I had to run about a block in the heat to catch a bus today, carrying a metal hand cart AND a heavy tote bag, I did it without even losing my breath! Yay!

I have decided, this was decided Tuesday actually, that I will not be joining a gym. I can get up at 2 AM and go into my garage. I can have hairy legs, greasy hair sticking out in all directions, and just wear an old sport bra, shorts, and some slip on shoes. I don't have to catch any buses and no one's going to hit on me in the shower room when I"m naked. Ew. That was awful... this woman walks up and looked at me, said "Oh, you smell delicious." I just kind of gulped and showed her the perfume spray. So, I will be at Home Gym from now on.

I am considering the purchase of a used punching bag. I get a lot of lower body work already; I have stress in my life, and a punching bag will not break down like a treadmill. I can't think of a reason NOT to do it.

Worst case I can save and get myself a new one by the time my birthday rolls around in September. That would be a great gift.

Tuesday I really only went to Academy and bought some of the warmup shorts - I like the way they breathe, and they have cute colors. I also love the drawstring waist. I got myself a purple baseball cap; and a yellow one. I got some microfiber t-shirts, too. They are getting ready to discontinue them so I was really glad I got them when I did. A lot cheaper than what the gym had asked!

Salvation Army was happy to come by on Tuesday and get rid of a whole front porch (about 20 square feet) full of stuff. It was all in great, resellable condition. It's a win-win. Less crap; and they get to help more people.

I wanted to go to the Bible bookstore but I could feel God telling me No. So I just went to Starbucks and home.

Wednesday was cardio day. I got up early and did half an hour on the bike at 70% heart rate. Ron bought it for himself, about 5 years ago, when I was severely depressed. He kept trying to get me to help him pick but I didn't have the energy. We got it at a used sporting goods store. It has 10 different programs. I like it a lot; plenty of variety and a good safe workout.

Then we went to work (still waiting on that repair), came home, went to Foodtown, got groceries, came home and put them up. A very brief nap. Then Walmart, because Ron needed his medicine. By the time we got home I was trashed. I pretty much ate and went right to bed.

I have been feeling a little odd this week and realized, to my horror, today that I had accidentally doubled up on my antipsychotic. I had been taking it morning and evening. Yike. I fixed that immediately.

Today, work again, home. I took a nap. Ron had called the Christian bookstore and found out they had a case of New Testaments for me (in addition to everything else, a lot of handouts - my favorites being the eager teenager, literally falling out of her seat to look at a Bible I'd just handed out; the soldier at the gas station; and the two old ladies on the bus today). I had a few refusals, if I didn't I think it would freak me out a little, but everyone was very polite. The people who said yes were positively eager. God really makes this tremendously FUN for me. If I could tell people anything that would be it: God makes it fun.

I've been asking God to help me with patience, and he has. Tuesday I was standing on a very busy road. I needed to cross the right turn lane to get to the crosswalk to cross the street. The cars kept coming and coming. I just stood there waving them on, go ahead. I wasn't even annoyed. I just mumbled "Love is patient, Love is kind...go ahead" Eventually I ran out of cars and was able to go.

I took my nap. Ron was kind of cranky. The heat, etc. I laid down for a nap and woke up at 2. I figured, why not get the Bibles? It was early. It'll just be hotter tomorrow. I might as well go.

So, I did. This morning I prayed over the candy and Bibles like I always do, and asked God to give me the right amount. I forget now.. but sure enough I had JUST enough.

I grabbed the folding hand cart (basically metal tubes that form a right angle, with bungee cords) and left. Actually, I got a block from the house, remembered the cart, and went back for it! [laugh] THEN I went to the bus stop.

I got to the bookstore in record time. I walked in and saw a new guy. I looked around a little and went up front. I had 5 of the NKJV paperback Bibles in my hand basket. He asked if he could help; I told him they had put some NT's on hold for me.

He asked a few more questions and got on the intercom. "There's a lady here who says we have New Testaments for her?" "HI HEATHER! I'll be right up!" [rueful chuckle] I like being KNOWN. I find it somewhat sad - am I the only one doing this?.. apparently. [shrug] I don't know.

I do know the only person who gave me a Bible, was a Gideon. He was very nice about it and I said thank you.

Sometimes I get an "Alright!" as they see the candy. [grin] I'm doing what God's appointed me to do; my job is pleasing Him. I handed out the majority of my "Stuff" on a bus route that made a grown white man pale with fear.

I'm glad I can be useful to God. The guy at the bookstore saw me pick up the box and offered to help "I'll take that out to your car for you, ma'am. "

"Oh, I don't drive. I'm taking the bus!" He just gaped at me as I rolled off with the hand cart. I had a very smooth trip home, too.

Then the neighbor very nicely asked me to trim my bushes, and that took about an hour. All done now. So much for my "Day Off Working Out!" HA!

I'm not a doormat

Deleted

Heavier Metal

Yesterday was long. I got up early, worked out. Happily I jumped up some on my strength - I need heavier metal now! The stiffness is all gone and I get a great workout everytime I head out into the garage.

I also dropped ANOTHER pound. Good. I had regained a bit. I'll tell you when I get back down... but the current size was getting a bit tight.

We went to Walmart, early. It was fine, and I got a few things I needed. I did pick up some sugarfree ice cream.

Then we went to work. A guy is going on a mission trip to Mexico, I left him that order form for the booklets - it sounds like the Mexicans (really he is going to Mexico) can use them and WMP does just about every written language on the planet. I was glad I had it.

I did some stocking and found, to my horror, a large glacier/snowball in a soda machine. I had a pretty good heart attack over that one. Ron had asked me not to shut the door so tightly. I complied, but we got the ice. Ron had to get the hair dryer. Boy, that was a mess... [sigh] But it was fixable.

After work we went to Starbucks (happily, I had an insulated tote thing so the ice cream was fine). We had our drinks and Ron eventually called a cab to go home. The guy took the wrong way.. then told us the rest of the way home how he's such a good driver he doesn't NEED GPS.

He just automatically assumed we lived at the low-income senior living apartments. Agh.

We got home, I think I took a nap. No, I did my cardio workout, weed-whacking, took a shower and THEN a nap. Got up, ate.. something. I think I had sugar free ice cream for dinner, actually. [laugh]

I called Dad. He's a little worried about a health problem but was happy to pray. Mom's jaw hit the floor when I told her about MY week. They'll be praying. I had a good talk with Ron while I did some knitting.

I went to bed around 9. I woke up at 5:30. Pretty funny. I laid there in bed for a while, telling myself to go back to sleep, but couldn't.

Today was an "off" day for workouts. I rotted my brain surfing the net for a while, ate some breakfast, and checked the mail. No vitamins yet. I ate the last of the ice cream and decided to go ahead and mow the yard. I had told Ron I would... and he asked VERY nicely. I was already wearing my grubbies so why not.

I fired up the mower. One thing I have realized, I try to do and carry everything on my own back. Ron, like all men, wants to protect and help me.

I need to let him take care of me. So he helped with some things and I headed out. Boy, I scalped that yard. I have the shortest, nicest lawn on the block.

Then I got the backyard. We have a battery-operated mower, you can find Ron using it on You Tube (I'm Houston Heather over there). When the first battery died, I banged on his door and he handed out the second. I got it all.

Then I decided, my garden is going pretty wild. I need to get out there and garden. So I put up the mower, got a few more drinks, and did some gardening for an hour and a half.

The weeding was pretty funny, I wish someone had a video of me squatting down over the weed (a large clump of invading bermuda grass), hauling on it as I made growling sounds... using my whole body and then WHAM it comes out and I fall on my butt. Pretty funny!

It's a good total-body workout. I did that for an hour and a half and came in. I'm getting hungry, I'm going to chase down some lunch (I ate all the ice cream, thank God) and kill it. Then shower and nap.

Oh, by the way, the mosquitos are REALLY vicious, but my herbal stuff does a great job on them.

I am also strongly considering joining a local gym. Very low rates, great facility.

"Fried chicken and a blood pressure pill"

Today was fun.

I woke up with a bad headache, but not a nasty one. I took some asprin and tylenol (one of each). That seemed to help somewhat. I took a nice hot shower, that sure didn't hurt.

I got to talking with Ron and missed my God time, but I am sure God understood. He wants me to value my husband. I caught up later.

I have to get to bed in an hour or so, so I can get up and do weight day tomorrow. Weights and cardio. I am doing cardio about 5 times a week.

I dropped a pound, that cheered me up. Especially since I had bought myself a one-pound can of lard the last time I went to Foodtown.

I bagged up plenty of candy, loaded up the wheelchair, and headed out. Our driver was really nice, I liked her. We dropped someone at the "workshop" (plenty of workshops around here). As we were unloading another driver pulled up and I handed him some candy out my window.

I have had an ongoing odd experience with one driver. He requests scripture booklets "for this little girl". The "little girl" is slow, attends a workshop, uses a wheelchair, and is about 25. She apparently wants him to give her a booklet every day and then keeps them.

He said he wanted some "To hand out to clients" and I gave him a couple dozen. Then he said he wanted more, for her. I gave him a few.

Today he asked for more again because "She keeps asking for booklets". I told him flat-out I could not. I gave him 2 and said that was all I could spare.

I was really aggravated for a while, people donate so that many people can get one booklet, not for one person to get many booklets. I mean, how many does she want? I have met her and doubt she can even read.

I told him "Other people pay for these and I can't give them all to one person." He was like, OH.

I decided to put an order form in my backpack and give it to him, and tell him, "The next time she asks tell her she has to get them herself. She has to fill out the form, send it in, agree to hand them out to other people, and then get on a waiting list."

Since she attends a workshop for the developmentally disabled, I think that will do it. In the EXTREMELY unlikely event she is actually handing them out to others, good. Then she can get her own.

But I'm not going to hand out hundreds of items to one person, when I could be handing them out to hundreds of people. That's bad stewardship and God will get me.

Anyway, we got to our location. We went to Starbucks and got our drinks, had a good time talking. Then we went to Favorite Dollar. I got driver candy and some miscellaneous stuff. Ron got plenty of stuff too, and it was cute how he kept asking the prices. "It's a dollar". He got some heavy and bulky items which made things a little awkward. Next time I think we should make a dedicated trip and go home.

We went to a craft store. Ron was complaining that he wished he could make a doggie blanket he had promised a dispatcher. He was sitting right next to the knitting looms. I told him, you could. I got him a knitting board and he is learning to use it. I told him that a guy who could knit was "hot".

As we checked out, I gave a bag of candy (with a scripture booklet) to both the cashier, and the lady behind me in line). I began pushing Ron in the wheelchair. We had gotten 1/4 mile away from the store when an SUV pulls up. It was the lady behind me in line. She said "I'm a Christian and I love this! Thank you so much! What a wonderful idea!" I thanked her for taking it.

She said some encouraging things to Ron and then drove off. I like that I can see God using me.

I went over to a Christian bookstore and looked around, got some of my favorite Bible Reading tracts and about a dozen "whole" Bibles. I once had a guy really upset at me, because I was "Only" handing out New Testaments. [rolleyes] Like I said, they have the good Jesus part.

I love to hand them out with a reading plan, because that gives people a starting point. I assume, when I hand out a Bible, that the person who gets it has never picked one up. Generally a safe assumption. Since they are a very basic, practical paperback, people who DO have a nice Bible feel comfortable carrying it around because they don't have to worry about "hurting" it. I see a lot of well-loved, familiar paperback Bibles riding around in cabs.

I also got a Bible Promise book and a dozen of the Bibles. Things had gotten a little awkward by now, carrying.

Ron wanted chicken, so we went to the chicken place. I was not terribly impressed with what I got. I was happy the biscuit was so unappealing. If I knew I was going to die in two weeks, I would go and buy a huge package of Church's honey biscuits, and a quart of whole milk. I would have a terrible migraine, hives, and bloating. Hm. Maybe I would eat that on my last day alive.

Our ride came and said "I just finished my lunch". What did you have?

"A fried chicken meal and my blood pressure pill."

A couple of weeks' of hives for me

I love you, Heidi! Take care! Pretend you are standing up for someone else if that helps! Sometimes I ask myself, "Would I let someone treat my sister or Ron like this?" Very telling.

The bad repairman is playing major headgames. "Oh, I got the wrong part". Agh.

I got up again, at 2 AM and did my workout (today, intervals on the exercise bike). Go, Heather, go. If I'm not mistaken my waist IS looking a little better defined. I am blessed with some free weights, a plastic step, and a used recumbent exercise bike. You'd be surprised how much I can do.

I almost want to wear a burqua to work now, the huge ugly tent the Muslim women wear? You can't even tell if there's a human in there. I really don't want to be so TRAUMATIZED by all this, I just want to get over the fact that some married guy wanted to play kissy-face. I keep flashing back to it; when I do I pray for HIS marriage.

I offered to tell Ron the name, and he said no. He is outside right now, "Working on the gate". Kind of like my knitting, which is going well. Ron probably has the right idea.

We had a milk delivery, so we were at work for a very long time. I stocked snacks, soda, food, bottled soda, you name it. I helped Ron sort change.

Mr Phony Refund told me he lost money on the coffee machine LAST NIGHT. [snorting with laughter] When it was turned off and unplugged, he lost money. He couldn't have even GOTTEN money into the machine. He angrily informed us he would not be buying our coffee anymore because "We don't pay refunds" - we do, you just have to go to a window and fill out a piece of paper "Coffee machine, date, amount, your name". Then Ron and I go and put the money in a little envelope, and tape the paper to it, and the admin files it for the person. It is all documented so people CANNOT ABUSE THE SYSTEM. If Harry Smith is filing for $5 refunds on chips every day, they note that. The honest people have no trouble with it.

We don't hand out money at the machine, he means, so he is taking his business elsewhere. It was all I could do NOT to breathe a sigh of relief. Oh, OK. He stormed off. I started snickering and Ron said "Thank God!"

Some Chinese guys came by and taught Ron how to say "Good Morning". I have forgotten, but it was pretty.

Finally time to go. We had a very young man come and pick us up. I really think I could have been his mother. He was very rude, he stepped out, looked at me, laughed, and said "YOUR HAIR IS SHORT!" Yes, I said. I just looked at him, then I said "He likes it" (pointing at Ron) and "I only care what he thinks, anyway." Ron turned his head and said "You look beautiful!" He was not a safe driver, he was yakking on the phone the whole time.

That is an instant termination firing offense. Had we called and said this they would have told him to pull over and that would have been the end. I prayed about it, especially as he would get so involved in his conversation, he wouldn't notice the light change, the car behind us almost rear-ended us several times. Anyway, I got the feeling from God he was going to fire himself, and not to worry about it. I did give him some candy (shrug).

Our next driver wanted me to tell her who he was, so she could "warn" him. I didn't remember the cab #.

We got to Starbucks and got our drink. Ron got something snacky and LOADED with wheat. He apologized and I said "Enjoy it. It's just a couple of weeks of hives, for me!" Not worth that kind of itching.

The calamari from last weekend, was. Tasty. I didn't get too hivey.

Then we came home, yay! I was beat and took my nap. I keep drifting off the home keys and typing martian even now.

I took a couple hour nap, woke up, petted Bubba, watched some TV, got a beef soup bone in the crock-pot, did some dishes, etc. I also got my God Time.

When I turned off my debit card I also turned off all my debits. That was good for one group, but 2 others need their money! I was able to "fix" one; the other I need to call.

I can't have "my" missionary going hungry!

Tomorrow Ron and I have a fun "date day" planned. It should be a lot of fun. I already got a Powerade to pre-load before I go out in the heat, pushing the wheelchair.

Not the scale!

Grrr. I got up at 1:45 AM and did my weight workout. I told Ron, later, at work, "When people were going home from the bar, i was doing my squats". I did a lot more than squats. I did all 3 powerlift exercises (bench, squat, deadlift), situps, back, shoulder, and arm exercises. All in about a half hout.

Then I drank a low carb protien shake and took my sbower. God time. Eat a real breakfast, do up the Driver Candy. Our ride to work was a trainer and trainee. The trainee had a nasty attitude. I don't think she will make it. The first time she has to do overtime, or encounters one of the nasty-tempered clients... the trainer did love the candy, though.

We got to work at 5:30. I mashed up cardboard and stuffed it into the dumpster. It holds about 16 cubic feet, by the time I finished it held about double that! One of the night custodians just kind of gaped at the spectacle as I pushed it about the 1/3 mile to the dumpster. Then I had the glamourous job of upending it, squatting down and shaking it out, then activating the compactor. I was glad another custodian "caught" me crunching my trash so she'd have room for hers. Then I pushed the rolling dumpster back to our stockroom.

The repairman was there. I have asked God repeatedly to help me in my thoughts. For certain, he has robbed us of quite a bit of money, monthly, for years. Not only that, other vendors have complained as well. [shrug] Hard for me not to get out the "Hatchet" when I think about Ron struggling and worrying about money, and this guy spending $300-$500 of Ron's labor a month. That's a mortgage payment!

So, anyways, I was quite friendly, even when he ordered us to report to work at the same time tomorrow, AND basically told Ron it would be twice what the other guy would charge. Then he started asking me a lot of questions about mood stabilizers... what I take, how much. Tried to SCARE me that lithium will ruin my heart. [rolleyes] I take care of myself, eat low carb, and everything is fine.

Even IF my medication kills me one day, I know I'm going to heaven; and I also know I wouldn't have lived this long, certainly not this quality of life, without medication. So I just nodded and went "Really? Uh-huh."

When he left, I helped Ron with the codes, threw out the bad food, etc. Happily "Romeo" isn't there. I can avoid him until Monday. I told Ron I felt a little wierd in the stockroom, and he said "Shut the door". It automatically locks and only a high-level supervisor, Ron, and I have copies. I can also simply avoid the man; I am trusting God to put the right thoughts/actions/words on me. Sad.

I respect and value my marriage, and I assumed most people did! I wear my ring for a reason! It is a 10 mm wide, titanium band! I take it seriously.

AGH {big sigh] So, I went out to the bus stop at our appointed time. Ride pulls up. We leave, drop off someone at the doctor and then off to see Doc.

We got there an hour early, and an older lady asked us about how to get Metrolift. Looking at her, I told her she "definitely" qualified, and we told her about the program. I told Ron, after she left, "Now we know why we got here early". They have a deli, so we hung out there for a bit.

Appointment time. Last time we saw the assistant, and we did this time too. "Oh, no!" I said in my squeaky voice "Not the SCALE! I'll need another Wellbutrin!" She laughed and said I didn't have to do it. She was delighted to hear depression gone, so are the headaches, good quality of life. That's why people go into this line of work; to take an obese, manic/suicidal woman on the verge of divorce and unemployment, and give her back her life. She understands I am COMPLETELY committed to my medication. I come back in November!

Ron was kind of let-down that we didn't see Doc. I told him, Doc is for the hard cases. I'm an easy one now. Besides, she is kind and sympathetic. I plan to make her an afghan. I have tons of lavender. 2 strand garter stitch on a size 13 circular needle.

Speaking of, I forgot my knitting. AGH. I had hours of waiting, too. That was the worst thing. Like I told Ron, I remembered the Driver Candy.

I handed out lots of candy today. That was fun.

We had to wait another hour and a half for our ride home, but it was straight. Yay! I got home about noon-thirty and took a nap for a few hours. Then fun stuff like put up the trash can, I have to freeze some leftovers, dry some clothes and hang them, place an online order for more supplements... etc.

I'll do what I can, still have fun, and get to bed early. Tomorrow is exercise bike day.

I have my doubts about opposite sex friendships now

Today was OFF the wierd scale. Off the scale.

Things were pretty tense between Ron and I, this morning. We got up early and went into work.

I was very unhappy that he called the repairman who stole from us, and he didn't like me telling him how to run his business. We did our work regardless. It was kind of an aggravating day, a bunch of dumb complaints like "The Coffee machine won't take my money" - because it was TURNED OFF. And my favorite, "How come your machines were off this weekend?" Because the POWER was out?

Mr. Freebie showed up. I told him, I know how much you make. Do you know that Ron and I make between "Poverty" and "Low Income"? I really resented the whole "Do you have any milk, I need some milk!" I said the machine was full. "Oh, I left my money in my car." "You'd better go get it" Ron replied!

Ugh. Then it was Mr Refund. Everytime he sees us he wants a free - something. Or money, because "The machine ripped me off" I think it would be a lot more honest if he said "I don't want to BUY anything, I want you to give it to me, and while you're at it give me a $5 bill, too." We told him to file for the refund properly and we would pay it promptly. That always stops him.

So, you can imagine I told my dear work friend of several years all about how Ron doesn't appreciate me, etc. He suggested Ron get treatment for depression. I agreed, but Ron refuses. Occasionally this guy will give me a hug, no big deal, I thought. We're all married here, nothing wrong with a harmless hug.

Until today he says "Don't tell Ron" and makes a MOVE! AGH! I said, "Oh, NO, NO, NO" and jumped away from him like someone just lit him on fire! I was shocked and very disappointed.

I ran off, it was almost time to go. I was horrified. Scroll down and read the line where I typed "I respect my marriage!" That would NOT be respecting my marriage! How far was he willing to take it? GACK!

Envision me, if you will, with big ol' bug eyes here. Completely freaked out. I'd rather a MONTH of Ron falling down drunk every night and waking me up, than another encounter like THAT! I keep seeing him all ready to kiss me!

1. I respect God.
2. I respect my marriage.
3. I respect HIS marriage - I've been cheated on, and it sucks. I don't wish that on anyone and I'd never forgive myself if I caused another woman that pain.
4. I am not attracted to him at all, I've never met anyone but Ron with that chemistry.
5. I don't want to see myself as a sl*t.
6. We were at work, in an area that is not that private! I can just see someone walking in on us. It would be all over the plant in 2 minutes!
7. Should be higher up on the list, I respect my husband. If I could change things about him, I would. I'd make him more temperate, devout, easygoing, etc... but he is my husband and I respect him. Those are RON'S rights... not yours.
8. I like his wife, and respect her.

So I go out to the bus stop waiting on our ride. I'm all buggy. I keep seeing him all puckered up and ready to make up... I think it's going to be a bit getting THAT out of my head!

I think this man has some kind of "feelings" for me... and I don't know how to approach this. I have turned it over to God and resolved to be MUCH more careful, what I share. He obviously thought there was an opportunity. I guess if I am annoyed at Ron, I need to just stick to here. [big sigh]

Oh man. Then I'm looking at Ron, who's come outside with me. I prayed about it and tried to figure out what to tell him, if anything. It took me a while to formulate.

I wanted to give him a big hug, tell him how much I loved him, and pour everything out. But that would be serving my needs, not our marriage and not Ron's relationship with this guy (they know each other and Ron likes him).

Ron's love language is acts of service, he feels loved when I am doing things for him. So when we got home I helped him trim the tree out front, and did some weeding and edging. Then we went to Burger King.

As I brought our food to the table, I told Ron I needed to tell him something, but I'd have to be somewhat vague. I realized sharing the name would be very, very, bad.

He said, OK, laughing a little bit. I told him "I love you completely and I am totally committed to our marriage". He just sat there, baffled. He said "What does that mean?" I told him, just what it sounds like. He asked for more detail, as I was too vague.

Have I mentioned Ron is somewhat hearing impaired? And wearing his headphones today?

I told him, but he didn't hear me. So, I repeated it again, loudly, much to the entertainment of the Burger King patrons "Ron, SOMEONE AT WORK MADE A PASS AT ME BUT I SAID NO!"

He said, I bet I know who, it was Jack, wasn't it. He went on for a while about how he knew Jack had his eye on me, and didn't respect our vows. What did it say of Jack's opinion of me, that he thought I would cheat?

I told him, Ron, it would be easy to let you think that but Jack is innocent. Besides, he is interested in someone at his church. I can't tell you, and please don't make me. He got it. Problems if he knew.

"You told him no, right?" OF COURSE, more than once. "Well, he got it then."

If the Dr Pepper has dust on it, don't buy it.

Ugh. I accidentally got an OLD case of Diet Dr Pepper today. The only advantage, I see, is that compared to these things a glass of water looks pretty appealing. Based on the bottle cap design, I just now realized they are over a year old. Eww. Since I DO need to drink more water, I'll keep them. I sure won't be drinking them fast!

Before I wrote all this I determined I had a justified gripe; that it wasn't just mood poison (not mine!)

Ugh. I need to buy a stopwatch; I really believe Ron has no idea about his negativity. It isn't that he's upset and angry and feeling persecuted; it's the length of time he goes on about it. Safe to assume between half an hour to an hour a day. [groan] If I can confront him, and tell him "You know you go on about how angry you're at God, for an hour and a half yesterday?" maybe it will help him self-correct. [shrug] Maybe we can even turn it into a game. I hate the idea, but I am desperate.

He goes on about how he's persecuted because he's "poor" - bitterly resenting the cost of my blood tests (probably $150), but spending over $700 on HIS root canal, and $50 out on restaurant meals with friends. I take care of myself, he doesn't. Who should be upset?

Then he goes on about how unfair it is that he's blind, his parents were ignorant, if he had intelligent parents he would have valued education and made more money... but he's blind so he can't. He really believes that more money is the answer to every problem he has in the world. I tell him no. A lot of resentment and anger at God, who he sees as the "Great Persecutor". If anything goes wrong, it's 15 minutes of him yelling at God about God's unfairness and persecution.

I have told Ron repeatedly, I NEVER tell him I am sick, because the ranting is worse than the illness. I would rather struggle and sufferby myself! I don't want to hear the ranting! I would rather be quietly sick than hear the ranting! I cannot say "I have a hangnail" without listening to a TIRADE. I have ENOUGH problems.

Talk about unfairness! We have a GOOD life. A lot of Ron's problems, are Ron's making. Like the root canal. Let's just say he didn't know the location of the toothpaste, and didn't want to. If I told him he had a bad breath issue it was ranting again. Easier just to gag silently and thank God he isn't "into" kissing.

Today is a great example of how Ron's world revolves around Ron:

The fireworks kept freaking out my cat, who climbed into my bed several times meowing at the top of his lungs. I'd wake up, reassure him, pet him, and we'd settle in until the next round. He's the only one who can break "Don't wake me up or I'll GET you" rule. [laugh] I think it's the big green eyes in the silky black fur.

I did not sleep well, but got up resignedly at 2 AM because Ron had it in his head we HAD to go to work early to turn on the vending machines. He has been very defensive about the decision to leave them unplugged. [shrug] I kept telling him NO ONE CARES.

This drink is awful. I think this case will be a fantastic way for me to cut back on my soda intake.

Another thing, he is SO into "What the neighbors think". If someone on Metrolift asks me why I don't drive, I tell them "I have mild brain damage, I can't process the information to drive safely." They go "Ooh" in an understanding fashion. Then Ron leaps in "But she can build a computer... etc.... she drove ONCE...." It's like, shut up already. You don't want to be with the gimp? Sorry. I am. Not to mention the whole "Built a computer" gets the radar up - people think we have a lot of computers and crap, or I am the answer to their EVERY computer problem and start treating me like tech support. Why can't he just leave at "Mild Brain Damage?" He always leaps in now, with "Because her mother drank alcohol when pregnant". It's MY business, really, and it tends to massively freak out some females who might have done the same. They get very defensive, start problems, and tell me there's "nothing wrong with you". A hassle I'd just as soon avoid!

Or he goes off telling people I'm bipolar, that's MY information. I actually had to tell him, last year, when he was talking to the women on the "chat line" (they were looking for "hookups"), not to tell them I have bipolar disorder! I don't want him telling my personal information to a bunch of ignorant tarts. He was like, oh, I already told a bunch... sorry.

I can just hear it... "My wife and I have a lousy relationship... she's BIPOLAR you know." UGH.

Ron has been acting overly sweet the last couple minutes, probably because I don't want him around right now. Anyway, he's like "What's wrong?" I told him, SICK of the negativity all day long! "I'm not upset now!" Yes, that was the last 10 minutes, what about the 20 hours before that? Just leave me alone and give me time to get all YOUR crap out of MY head.

He started cursing me out and left me alone. Ugh.

So, I got up at 2. God time. I just found out I have to go to bed in 20 minutes... GREEEAAT.

So, I got up at 2. God time. Did up some candy. Our ride came. Went to work, carrying a big cardboard box of sandwiches. I started turning on all the machines, from one side to the other.

No, Ron stopped me. I had to go do the food machines... and then after I got them up and running he felt all the sodas with the door open for about 10 minutes, then stocked "colder" drinks into the machine.. with the door open all the time. If he had just left it shut the drinks would have gotten cold faster than his stocking thing. I was silent. I don't tell him what to do.. I made a "suggestion", which he mocked, and left.

I found a huge nasty lake around the coffee machine. I got all the other machines going and went back. At first I couldn't figure it out, but one error message kept coming up "Tank Low". The coffee machine has a tank that holds hot water, then it dispenses as the customer punches up the order.

When I got the machine on and cleared up the messages, I witnessed a lovely rain shower in the back of the machine! Apparently we have a bad connection. I couldn't get back there to fix it so I turned it off ...

Got cursed out again. I love how his "apology" starts with "I'm sorry... " and ends with "F-YOU!" The latest invective involved the fact that I only "love him when he's not hurting". The same applies to RON!

So, 5 AM I am on my knees scrubbing and mopping. Once I cleaned up the water, I laid additional shop-towels on the floor of the machine in case I had any more leakage. Got it looking pretty good; then off.

We hit Foodtown on the way home. Some complaining on his part because we had an extra 15 minutes. I got some meat, cheese, powdered sugarfree lemonade, and some veggies. Oh, and the lovely Dr Peppers. Ick. I did get some Powerade Zero.

You know, for a guy who worries about me "losing my faith" he sure is hateful. "If God really loved you he'd ease up on me, so I'd ease up on you." What I have to say to that would involve words unprintable on Blogger. I asked God to convict him.

I mean, it is so OBVIOUS to me Ron is just letting the Devil put any old thought into his head, gobbling them up as absolute truth, using Ron to attack me, and Ron just LETS IT HAPPEN. For a guy who claims to be a real scrapper, he sure just rolls over. Hard to respect that.

Hard to say "I am absolutely committed to this marriage, and making it work." God, in me, can say it. Right now... sigh. It does not appear to be "worth it".

Anyway, good thing I got the Powerade Zero. I am partial to the blue flavor. He just shouted something but I didn't process it. That's the NICE thing about Central Audio Processing Disorder. I only get about 1/2 of what people say to me.

With Ron, in a mood like this, a good thing! [laugh] See, I can still laugh. I like that about myself. After I finish blogging I will eat a good dinner, take my pills, and do my God Time. Half the time, especially when Ron has been shouting at me and MY temper is up, I don't drop off on time anyway. I might as well flush all of it out of my head before I go to sleep.

So, brought home the groceries. Ron was upset because the pickups didn't line up the way he wanted... not worth the drama! It worked out fine like it ALWAYS does.

I think I am going to tell him, I will see my doctor by myself. I really don't want to be stuck with him in a small vehicle for up to 2 hours each way, and having to "tend" him everywhere. At least in the house, he can go off by himself. He knows the bathroom, kitchen, etc. He can take care of his own needs without me taking him there and waiting for him to finish...

Anyway, we went to Starbucks. I did, he got a drink and went home again. I went off for a small day Out. I checked out the sporting goods store and found a cute, new, microfiber t-shirt. I am getting addicted to them! They are WONDERFUL running around in the heat and humidity! They don't get all sweaty! I also got a jumbo-pack of sweatbands and wristbands. Total cost about $30.

I hate it when sweat runs in my eyes, or is dripping off my face (happens every day, baby!), so the headband/wristband work well. I am paranoid enough about the gangs to go with plain white. I think the blue and the red gangs work nearby. I never see the thug boys in any other colors, except black!

I have a vision of a white gang, full of accountant-geeky-looking skinny white dudes, with receding hairlines and white buttondown shirts. Khakis and socks pulled up to their knees. [snicker]

After that I called Mom and Dad, and caught the bus over to my bank. I turned on my debit card, which I WILL NOT have time to use tonight. I went to another grocery store and found some great drink powders.

About this time Ron called me, ranting about the backyard. I told him, I told you as soon as it dried up I would mow, but it has been raining for over a week now. I am not taking an electric mower, with a cord, out into wet grass! Especially since the cord has been spliced!

He says he's going to go mow right then and there. [rolleyes] Great. Let me tell you something, Ron can't mow the back. He has literally gotten lost back there. He's fallen, and it's a good thing the mower has a kill switch. He KNEW saying this, that he was blackmailing me into "helping" (ie - doing the whole thing).

It's the middle of the day, hot and sunny and miserably humid. "Oh, you don't HAVE to mow right now, you can do it later." I told him, I was already sweaty and didn't want to take two showers (true).

He goes in the house, and I begin. It takes about an hour to mow the back with this mower. About halfway through, he sticks his head out of the nice air conditioned house. "Come on in for a cool break!" I told him no, I'd rather finish. I hate relaxing and then having to wind myself up again, especially, as of this time, I had been up for ELEVEN hours straight doing physical things.

I didn't workout today. Ha! Rest day my butt! Not to mention, poor butt and legs are pretty stiff!

He told me he had a cold soda for me. I went in. Where is the soda? Don't you have one in the fridge? No. I was pretty pissed. I got a powerade instead - my second.

A lot cheaper than a visit to the ER. I went back out and finished. As I told him, the grass was TOO WET. It kept choking the mower! But he extorted me by saying "If you don't do it, I will."

For a woman who was just accused of NOT loving him, it's pretty funny, wouldn't you say? [rolleyes] Finally finished. Took my shower.

While I am IN THE SHOWER he starts screaming about his computer won't work. As soon as I get out, instead of lying down like I'm desperate to do, I get roped into "helping" him. Yes, I know I am co-dependent and my boundaries are WAY too rubbery. [laugh]

I told him I couldn't get it to work, and went and laid down. He woke me up telling me he had figured out it was a bad keyboard. He wanted me to put my glasses on and look at it. I told him I believed him. He actually laid it down on the bathroom floor.

Ron, I DON'T CARE! Just give me TEN MINUTES to do what I WANT, OK?

He put away the mower and then complained that the garage was "too cluttered". Most of the clutter is his crap. I asked him "So, do you want to look at the three floor fans you put out there?" He said no. He is still convinced it is all MY fault.. and the majority of it is his crap, like the tomato planter I didn't want, but he ordered anyway.

You know the rest. I will probably get to bed late, but Ron is QUIET right now. Good. I need to put up my groceries (the non-perishables), do some laundry, and all the other stuff I would have done if I hadn't been MOWING the too-wet yard in insane heat index.

I'm glad we left them unplugged.

Let's try this again. I went back to work; later than I EVER leave the house on Metrolift. When we use Metrolift, we try to be home by 3 PM at the latest; and never leave at night. Not unless you count a 4 AM pickup? Is that leaving at night? [laugh]

I had some knitting, the flashing light, and reflective vest. I figured the last two would help our pickup driver locate us. It's hard to find in the daylight; and it's a REALLY bad area. As I mentioned [laugh] the flashing light is visible for quite a distance. Once I popped in a "C" cell we were good to go.

Our ride came and we gossiped about the "new" vans. People keep falling on the "extra" step, the drivers HATE the tie-downs, and they can't handle the very large clients. Ron and I mentioned we do not love the new Toyota Siennas, and prefer the Dodge Ram Caravan cabs.

It was a straight trip. We got to work around 7. One of the electricians (the plant is 17 acres under one roof), walked us in. He kept telling us it was dark. I told him, that wasn't a problem for Ron! [laugh] He told me he was a little concerned about me. I told him I'd be fine, but he gave me a small flashlight. It came in handy.

If there is a next time, I need to remember to bring a small lamp or something. Anyway, plenty of ambient light in the cafeteria. The power was supposed to go on at 9.

I got out my knitting and worked until my hands started yelling at me. Then I did my Bible study, using a head band to hold the light to my head. I scared myself when I went to the bathroom, the automatic flushing toilets run on batteries!

Ron headed off to the bathroom, in the pitch black, all by himself. It was funny to think of him all alone in that pitch black bathroom. It's the way it always looks to him!

9 PM rolled around. We were boooooored. Nothing. Around 10 we figured, we'd better just leave them unplugged. I barricaded things so people couldn't just reach back and plug them in again. We flipped power switches.

We knew for a fact; when they brought the power back online we'd have big power spikes. Even the plant had unplugged all their equipment. Shockingly, (forgive the pun) the other vendor HAD NOT. That just makes me cringe!

We went outside to wait on our ride. I donned my reflective vest and turned on the flashing light. It worked. As we got on the van, we saw the power come on and off several times. OOoh. I'm glad we left the machines unplugged! Those spikes would FRY a motherboard and a couple of my machines are discontinued - new parts are not available.

This was supposed to be about work

Last night was really wierd. Our ride to go BACK to work was a little late, but it was a straight trip. I brought my knitting, a flashing light, and a reflective vest. Our friend called and said he couldn't give us a ride home. FORTUNATELY Ron always makes a backup Metrolift trip.

I considered bringing a battery operated lamp or something but figured they would have lighting. Wrong.

I should probably elaborate on the flashing light, though. It is a bit of a raw spot for me, but much less than it was. I had bought 2 for Ron, prior to his accident. It's a very bright, flashing strobe light that straps onto your arm. Designed for joggers. One day I went to pick him up in a cab and I could see the light 1 mile away, in the dark, in the rain. [rolleyes] But in the blaming frenzy after Ron's accident (he had asked not only his family, but a cab driver friend to give him rides to work that day, and all declined) it was decided it was ALL HEATHER'S FAULT. I tried and tried to explain he had the flashing light, he was very careful, he had ASKED you guys for help... but it was "MY" fault. Ron told me once, if you had been with me we would have BOTH been hit. The guy ran a red light. How was I supposed to stop THAT?

Of course I have chosen not to accept the finger-pointing. I am so glad they are out of our lives. I remember one day I brought the remaining flashing light into the waiting room and turning it on in front of Ron's brother. He yelled at me to turn it off. I told him, that's what Ron was wearing. Couldn't you see that?

But the fact remains, Ron HAD asked his brother for help on that day. [sigh] I pray for them every time I do my God time, I don't LIKE it, but I'm mandated to do so. I'm not as outraged and furious as I was. I'm not where I need to be, either. If one of them had an accident or stroke, and needed home care I would not offer to help (assuming they would tell us, which they wouldn't).

Now, as a "Good" Christian I should probably want to take care of his family. I could probably beat myself into it, if my family member who might need a place to stay was "set", the "Spawn" (God forgive me) would recover, and I didn't have to entertain. For the large family member, staying with me would mean embarking on a low-carb diet. I would not allow crap food into my home. I'm not going to watch anyone eat themselves to death, especially if I'm the one caring for you. Just make my job harder!

We actually made that offer with Ron's mother. A woman plagued by obesity and diabetes, she continued to eat "all the wrong things" - a direct quote. She dropped hints once, and Ron informed her we'd be DELIGHTED to have her, but she would be eating low-carb from them on. No rice pot. No sugar. No ice cream. No bread or juice. She declined.

So, I'm still struggling with forgiveness and the flashing light brings it all up again. [sigh] And this post was supposed to be about work!

Irate Homeowners and Calmari Nightmares

I've told you before: I don't like #2's wife. I live on the odd side of the street, in #4. #6 is a lovely Latino family. #7 is a Black. So is #2.

The homeowner's wife was rude (parking in front of my house when they have tons of room in the driveway) and scary (threatening to kill my cat because he looked at her). She moved out when I countered her death threat with the information that was a felony, and I'd press charges if Kitty got so much as a hairball. I think, for her, the threat to call her principal (yes, this hater teaches children) was the real crux.

[For the record, I don't hate her, I'm just really glad they moved out after our house got robbed. See "Naked Wife" post for details.]

Then we had a succession of relatives of the homeowner, moving from Tennessee. They were OK with the cat, but their rude boys were constantly climbing over the fence and invading our privacy. I have a real issue with some kid staring in my window at me, when I'm a homeowner and the property lines are clear.

After Ron would go over and visit a few times, telling them to keep their kids out of the yard, they would "Get it" and leave us alone. In their favor, they never once said anything against the cat and only the last guy started up the "Parking in front of the house" thing.

I always figured God let me get a taste of that AWFUL woman to show me a real problem "neighbor". I have always held them up against her and been glad I had "mine". I mean, nothing wrong with mental illness but TAKE YOUR MEDS! [shudder]

The last ones have been pretty "trashy". They were here about 2 years. My favorite was the teenage daughter's boyfriend. She was about 15. He would pull up and honk loudly until she came out. Then I would find used condoms in the driveway the next day.

He would put them in a baggie, kind of a revolting turn on my Driver Candy, then fling them out his window. Some of them ended up in MY yard! Revolting! I even got gloves, and put one on the father's car. I figured any loving father would put a stop to this before his...

Daughter became pregnant. She had a little tax deduction and it is very sad. When she should be having fun and visiting with her freinds, she is potty-training her toddler, because her parents didn't care enough to protect her.

The boys were really bad about getting into my yard. They broke Ron's gate, climbing over it. Rude, rude, rude. I caught one of them tearing boards off MY fence.

By some weird measure, all of the tenants had rowdy little boys. [shrug] Odd. Some were related to the homeowner. I think it's been 4 tenants. One year, one year, two years, two years.

Anyway, one nasty thing the current tenants have done: they put the trash out on garbage day. Then they leave the cans in the street for days.

This last pickup they put out some plastic bags - they don't pick up plastic bags anymore. You have to put everything in the (2) ninety-five gallon cans and put them out.

They were only paying for 2 cans but had 3. The trash company won't pick up the third can, so they were rotating the nasty full trash can and leaving it in the street.

A couple weeks ago, the homeowner rented a van and drove everyone off. I saw him, back, for a few days a week later.

During our last pickup, they had plastic bags, boxes, etc. Plus the third can. Of course the trash company did not pick up anything but 2 cans. The tenants left the trash in the street, rotting, for days.

Ron and I paid about 1/3 to 1/2 what the other homeowners did. I KNOW they were really furious looking at this "trash heap". Calls were made, and I'm pretty sure the irate, oringinal, homeowner came and cleaned up the mess just now.

It was a very expensive white car, not one owned by the tenants. Who else would come and pick up all the trash, and be ANGRY about it? He was between my age and Ron's.

So, does that mean they have moved out? I don't know. On the one hand, I am sick of them. On the other, I am not really eager to have another "passel" of rude children in my yard invading my privacy. [shrug] It's up to God, but I do know that man was PISSED about the trash. If nothing else I don't think we'll have problems with the trash issue anymore.

So, after work, I revamped my knitting project, a pastel scrap afghan. I decided to work it in one piece, instead of strips. It's a lot easier to work that way. I weighed my yarn. For a 5 foot square afghan, I need about 35 ounces of yarn. I have about 25, and plenty of white.

I plan to work it like I did the black one... I need a photo. There we go. Instead of black borders, white. Instead of brights, pastels. The only difference is that it's worked side to side instead of in strips. It should be fun. I've already got about 5 feet by an inch in a fun baby pink.

Most of the afghan will be baby blanket leftovers. I have about 25 ounces, soft yellow, pink, lavender, blue, mint, and multis. With white borders. It should be very soothing. It's a fun project, I'm glad I started it.

So, I worked on that and got the "right" circular needle. Selected my first couple colors. Worked on that. NOTHING good on TV. If I had to work a split shift, I'm glad it was today.

By the way, I was pulling change out of the vending machines. I found a $20. I had made change for it and stuck the bill in the change bucket. I tried to give it to Ron, but he handed it back and said "Split shift premium".

The funny part, I'm salaried. I don't get any bonus pay! When I told him thanks, I could buy a lot of Bibles with that, he pretended to ask for it back, rolling after me and exclaiming "Don't you spend that on God! What has He ever done for you!?" [laughing] I told him "He gave me you!" "Even more reason!" [snicker]

He worked out his issues and liked my suggestion of being a bouy, just floating along, not freaking out over changes in currents. Cling-cling... he commented a few times how much he liked the image.

We had a date at the seafood place. Ron wanted some fried shrimp and hush puppies. I love fried calamari, especially the way these guys do it, with some cayenne pepper. As I blew my nose, I told Ron, "This is the spiciest thing I eat on a regular basis!"

We got there and had about an hour. I had 2 baskets of calamari, diet pop, a hush puppy, and a benadryl. I didn't want to get hivey. Ron ate a 9 piece shrimp with fries and hushpuppies, and had a low-carb beer. We had a good ride home.

I took a nap and woke up after having nightmares about my teeth falling out. Must have been the calamari. I was so ready to get out of bed!

Once I finish up here I will be getting dressed and doing my PM God Time. Some knitting, check the mail. Then, back to work to turn on and restock all the machines.

Don't take it personally

I felt pretty smug as I got off the exercise bike at 2:30 this morning. I'd awoken at 1:47, hit the snooze, and gotten out of bed at 1:57. Bathroom, turn off my backup alarm, and onto the exercise bike. I'm trying to formulate an early-morning fitness habit.

I drank some diet soda while I pedaled (I programmed it for the intervals setting once I warmed up) and realized this wasn't a bad way to get started. By the time I got off, I felt pretty energized.

I hopped into the shower, and after I dressed I did my God Time. Ron seemed to be in a decent mood when he woke up.

We had an interesting cab ride into work: the driver, a white guy, had a shaved head covered on scars. He told us how his former best friend and attacked him with an axe. Yike. The seatbelt didn't work and he was pretty fast, but, hey, we got to work alive.

We arrived at work around 4 AM. We stocked the machines, which were empty. We enjoyed an hour an a half of sales. Around 5:15, I started taking out perishables and unplugging vending machines.

Ron put the perishables up in the freezer - an important note. I had a little excitement when I got back behind the machines - 1. It was utterly filthy back there, dust and dirty paper towels. For some idoitic reason, the custodial staff refuse to place a trash can to the left of the sinks, so when people wash their hands at the sink they are left holding a hand towel. Which, apparently, ends up behind my vending machines. I pulled out a whole milk crate of them. Yuck.

2. Someone had pushed back a snack machine against the wall. It was immediately apparent to me I'd need the pallet jack. Ron wanted to manually move it, but I reminded him of the ensuing emergency room visit - every time he moves a vending machine, he ends up in ER. I unplugged everyone I could and got the pallet jack.

When our "Business Consultant" brought the pallet jack, he made it clear it was to be shared by the 2 vendors. I have no problem getting it. I have an extra key to the stockroom. So, I had to move a bunch of their stuff and get the jack, then get it out into the hall. Once I got it over near my snack machine I had to maneuver the forks underneath the machine - it took a minute!

Then, crank-crank-crank. Pull it forward. Watch it wobble dangerously. Feel the jerk as it jams up against the soda machine. Drop the forks. Go around behind the soda machine and adjust it. Jack up the snack machine, pull forward, wobble-wobble.... THERE! Drop the jack, go behind the snack machine, unplug. THEN put the pallet jack away, leaving everything how I found it.

I think I got my workout. [laugh] Soooooo, I did all that. I helped Ron do important things like, I kid you not, wash the ketchup packets. [rolleyes]

I was glad I had worn an oversized navy t-shirt and some warmup shorts - long enough that they came within a few inches of my knees. I finished EVERYTHING.

Ron asked me to push him out of the building, in the wheelchair. I did that, then brought the chair back and locked it up. I then locked up everything and went out.

Ron was freaking out. "I can't find my MP3 player!" I admit, I was a little shrill as I said "AGAIN?" [big sigh]

I went BACK into the building to look for it. I went everywhere Ron had gone. After checking, I went in the men's room. How revolting. UGH. I looked on the floor and under all the machines. I had a "feeling" that it was in the freezer, as Ron had spent a lot of time loading those boxes of perishable merchandise.

Sure enough, I found it on the floor of the freezer. I called Ron, he was very pessimistic. I used my high-pitched squeaky voice.

"Ron, it's your MP3 player! Why did you leave me in the freezer? It was COLD! Heather's bringing me out in a minute." He gave a big sigh of relief.

By the time I got out, he was pretty angry. He kept ranting about how he'd had it in a safe place and was not receptive to my suggestion of a hang-around-the-neck case like I've got (I even have a spare). Then he got angry about why people were moving his machines, without permission. [shrug]

Hell, I found our STOCKROOM unlocked today. God only knows why, but He'll deal with them. It is not a big deal that someone moved the machines, and you may have lost the thing but I went back and FOUND it... so why all the negative energy?

I even told him, Ron, kind of a lot of energy. He started cursing under his breath and muttering about "sucking it up". But, that's just Ron. He feels God is out to persecute him. He feels very angry that he is dependent on people. He could lose $100, get $99 back, and be furious about the missing dollar. [shrug]

That's not me. I'm always looking for the positive, or at least I see myself that way. I always try to look at all the good things in my life, not rant because I lost something for half an hour.

A rather DIFFICULT ride home. But I'm not going to let him ruin my day.

Pointer Toe and Barbell Fail

The last 24 hours have been brutal for my right pointer toe: I smashed it into the desk, rolled over it with Ron's wheelchair, and got bitten by a fire ant. The poor little thing looks awful, but after an application of my beloved Pomada de Arnica (Arnica salve) it isn't hurting. Well, not unless I touch it.

I decided to wear shoes as much as possible today, to prevent further abuse. It seems to be working. The last joint is all red and swollen, but thanks to the salve, not hurting.

About 7 years ago, I broke my left "ring toe" by running it into the exercise bike, and then the toilet safety frame. Ow. It looked like my foot had a black olive instead of a toe!

Hey, if that's the worst thing I've got I am doing FANTASTIC. We have had a lot of rain the last 24 hours; remnants of Alex. In my area at least, it's all draining off beautifully.

I slept in, no alarm, woke up about 7:30. I took a shower and did my God time, had a good talk with Ron, got dressed and thought "I keep thinking I need to lift weights, and I'm not!"

I went out in the garage. I decided to stick to the Big 3: Bench Press, Squat, Deadlift. Due to my Fetal Alcohol syndrome I have shorter femurs, which is apparently AWESOME when you want to squat. I can do excellent, deep squats.

I started with the Squat. I had a bar with approximately 25 pounds of weight, total. It felt a little light. When I squat, I NEED a heavier bar. I looked at my big olympic barbell. It's 40 pounds. I had plates on it; I knew I couldn't do THAT. I removed the plates, adjusted the pad, and did about 8 good-quality squats. I went for 9, and got wobbly and sloppy.

Note to self, since I am doing this ALONE and I have a disabled man depending on me, I need to do the right amount: normally I work until I fail, but not on a squat. "Failing" under a heavy barbell could be ugly! Better to do the 8, maybe I could do another, maybe not... but I am doing it well and not harming myself. I can securely rack the barbell without wobbling, falling over, or bending my back in an unsafe manner. Decision made. Going to fail on the squats? I'd be a failure!

Since my legs felt pretty shaky, I decided to work on some bench presses, they use completely different muscle groups. I did several and worked to failure. Good. I moved things slightly (I have about a 15 x 10 foot area) and got ready to deadlift.

A deadlift is essentially squatting down, reaching down, and picking a barbell off the floor. Stand up, the barbell at pelvis level, and lower it again. That, I can do to failure. The first couple reps I felt like it was too light, but I failed around 9 or so, a good range.

Back when I was more "hardcore" about the weights, I would have done 3 sets of each. The last time I postponed and resumed my weight lifting, I told a friend the 3 sets I had started with had just killed me. "Why didn't you start with one set of each?" Good question, and what I aim to do for this month. One quality set of each exercise until everything wakes up again; then I can add more sets. Trust me, it was plenty. Hours later my legs are still shaky.

I want to be healthy, slimmer, able to consume more carbs if I want. I also want to have nice, fat, easy-to-stick veins. I have never heard of a weightlifter with lousy veins. To reach that goal, I got a dumbell and did some bicep curls. It was "too easy". So I did another set with the 10 pound dumbell.

Ron bought me a home gym as a wedding gift, and I added various plates, barbells, and dumbells to my setup. I have a plate tree and a dumbell rack. Everything is nicely organized. I'll put up a photo one day. I really like the safety rack for squatting. I can just tip back and rack the bar.

It was interesting, as I did my workout. I tease Ron, telling him I get a great butt workout from pushing him in the wheelchair. True. I also get a great calf workout. At work, it's calves, butt, and back. A day out? Almost always results in some sore calves.

As I did my third or so squat, I realized I'd forgotten how good weights can be for the abdominals! Whoo! I will be sore tomorrow! The three major exercises all work multiple, major, muscle groups. I will add in more arm/shoulder/back and possibly leg work.

This means, of course, I'll be getting up even earlier. I envision getting up, God time, workout, eat, shower, etc. Instead of getting up 2 hours before the pickup it will be perhaps 2.5 or even 3. Well, I do have the time.

After all that, I was ready to go to Burger King. Ron got a steak burger meal. I got my cheeseburgers with added bacon and peeled the bread like some kind of revolting rind.

Something told me to peel the game piece off Ron's drink. I did. I had two choices to scratch. I felt a strong urge to do the lower one. I did. Free Whopper.

We debated our options. On the one hand, it would be nice to redeem it now. On the other, Ron had just eaten a steak burger (I am NOT a Whopper fan). He considered heating it up later (but it has veggies).

It struck me. "Hey, why not give it to the driver?" Ron loved it. I redeemed the coupon and Ron called Metrolift. He wanted to tease the disapatcher by telling her we had just bought a Whopper for the driver. She sent him a message!

He showed up "Right Quick" after that. "I love Whoppers. How did you know? I never eat red meat but I'm eating this!" He is a great guy who did something nice for us recently, so I was delighted to spoil him.

Both Ron and the driver commented I seemed really tired. Yup. "Properly medicated". Last night I was so queasy I asked Ron to tell me how much it meant for him, that I take my pills. He was very appreciative. I really seem to only have the energy for a part time shift and then a nap!

I went home, read a bodybuilding book for a while, and napped for about an hour and a half. I had the apartment/office building dream. Sometimes they can be disturbing and wierd but this one was nice. I woke up once, because it was raining so hard. I dropped off again.

I feel pretty rested. I went out in the garage, purged a big sack of yarn, and brought it in. Ron came out and talked to me as I worked. I have to go to bed in a little over 2 hours. I'm considering taking a shower now and forgoing it in the morning. [shrug] We'll see.

Since I ate such a big meal at lunchtime I took my other lithium. I don't need to take a third one tonight, I'll see how I feel. Probably not, though.

Tomorrow will be interesting.

I'd rather be happy and stupid

I would love to put myself out here as a wonderful housekeeper. Wouldn't that be great? Heather's house is always spotless... but I'm messy enough that when my aunt comes over, I give her a beverage in a disposable cup. My sink is currently full of dirty dishes. I have a 2 compartment sink; Ron's side is empty and spotless. Mine is full.

Ron has his own counter, and it's got a lot more space than "mine". Somehow I can never get a hold on the things that clutter up "my" counter. The carpets need to be vacuumed and I have an actual cobweb or two (in my defense, they are on the high-ceilinged part of the house).

I just don't see it; and when I do a lot of times I don't know how to get started. If I can manage those two, then there's the energy issue. Yup. I am completely worn out most days by a part-time shift and running an errand.

Like today: We got up, went to Sam's club. I desperately needed candy bars. Normally, before the recession, I would have bought a couple hundred dollar's worth. Today, I got $50. I also got about 20-30 pounds of Driver Candy, including "Now and Later"s, which have proven popular today.

I lugged the huge sack of candy into the building in my giant tote bag. I stocked it. I also did snacks and marveled at the notes the maintenance guys have put up. They will be doing some work on Saturday and have verbally told us, called BOTH voicemails, sent an email, and left notes on the food machine and refrigerator unit. Oddly, they left a note on one unit, but not the other. Huh.

So, we get it already. Saturday is going to be a VERY early wakeup and then a fun trip BACK to work that night. We arranged a ride home with Chuck. He used to give us rides all the time when we lived close to work. Thank God we have a reliable ride home that night. Let's just pray that they actually turn on the power when they say they will.

So, we dealt with all that. I got the milk delivery and stayed pretty busy with snacks. Ron had to go "fetch" his own soda, but it was just a 12 pack, easily managed. He only knocked a couple things down in the process.

Then time to go. We went home briefly, and then left again about an hour later. Starbucks. Home again.

I was completely wiped out and took a couple-hour nap. When I got up, I called the Salvation Army. They would LOVE skeins of unused yarn. I arranged a pickup, told them "Two bags of yarn".

Now, I need to get into the garage, sort through my yarn, bring it in for Salvation Army pickup. But first, I thought, where would I put it? Normally I don't do very well thinking these things out.

I would LOVE to put myself out there as a savvy and intelligent person, able to make snap decisions. I'm not. Especially not on my medication. But, as I told Ron today, "I'd rather be happy and stupid". It takes an awful lot of thinking to do organizing, sorting, and cleaning tasks. A lot of energy. I would say 95% of the time I don't have the energy/smarts to do more than a basic load of laundry, and I still have a load and a half of clean clothes I need to put up. I also need to change the sheets on the bed.

Fortunately I was feeling pretty motivated, energetic, and intelligent. I figured out a good landing spot. I asked Ron if he minded me using it. He didn't mind, and was happy I had asked before just putting things down. I wanted him to be clear this is only for a few weeks, until my pickup.

We have both watched those hoarder shows and they scare me. I don't want to be that person. I don't necessarily believe it is always a variation of obsessive-compulsive disorder. I think it is a combination of brain hardware issues, and emotional issues.

I have tried to be especially vigilant recently. So, I picked up the obvious trash from this corner. Then I picked up some items and put them where they belonged. Then, I swept (tiled area). After that, I decided if I was going to mop this corner I might as well sweep and mop all the tiled area.

I picked up all the trash on the tiled area, then swept it. I mopped with some nice lavender stuff I got a while back, at Foodtown. I got this particular corner. I used to feed Bubba his wet food over there, it needed a good mop.

Once I got that I worked my way towards the back of the house. I got the cobwebs - I could actually SEE them today. That may make sense to someone.

I noticed I need to clean the baseboards, but saved that for another day. Today was just pickup-sweep-mop the tiled area. Later on I will be sorting through things in the garage and picking my favorite yarn. I have a couple of coffee cup boxes, they're about 18 inches square, by about 3.5 feet tall. That's a lot of yarn!

I plan to donate about 75% of it, keeping my "favorite, favorites". I have a few afghan projects I would like to get to eventually. I may even start one as a treat to myself, once I finish the sort.

Then, all the yarn and Salvation Army stuff (I have 2 big bags, and anticipate at least 2 more big trash bags) can go in this corner until pickup day. Yay!

I felt like such a smart, good housekeeper, especially when I poured the mop water into the toilet, cleaned the toilet, and sprayed down the wing walls on the shower area.. I just need to wipe that area down and a quick scrub and the bathroom is "finished".

Things don't look as nice as I'd like them to, but they look a lot better than they did. My husband loves me and loves life with me. We're both happy and healthy. I could have someone in the house without embarrassment. I'm happy.

I don't measure up to "normal", but for Heather I do a damned good job. Time to go eat and take my pills, but only after I finish the bathroom.