Tuesday morning

 I woke up in the middle of the night with a splitting headache, got up, took some Excedrin.  I think it was the Cheddar Bacon Tater skins I had.  I got online for a little bit and went back to bed.  I can always tell it was a bad headache if I can go back to sleep after the Excedrin.  

Other than that, it has been a good day.  Kindle is doing something odd with my books.  I have several Bible study and devotional things I like to read every day.  Sometimes Kindle won't let me find them.  That happened this morning.  I got most of it though.  Baby Girl got on the couch with me it was very cute.  So did Cleo, for a bit.  I have some very nice girls.  

I got online and printed up a couple of pay stubs.  My next paycheck will be more than I was anticipating.  I can actually cover all bills including electric.  That is nice.  The lawyer will be happy to get the pay stubs we had bank statements with the direct deposit but I think this is better.  At any rate cover all the bases.  

The magic number for me is 30 hours a week that is when the benefits happen, right now I am either around 30 or less.  But it has to average 30 for 3 months.  So we will see.  I don't think I'm letting any trade secrets here I try to respect my employer because they are giving me a living.  I also use sir and ma'am when talking to supervisors.  :)  

I took my shower, didn't need to shave because I did yesterday.  I poured some lye down the drain after my shower I try to do that once a month.  I also got a new hair catcher yesterday and put that in the drain, I take it out when I'm done and remove the hair (a lot!).  My hair is down about to my shoulders now.  So I shed a fair amount.  My hair is getting thicker now I think it was starting to get a little thin on top due to the stresses of caring for Ron and trying to run the business, then all the drama after he died.  Now things are a little more settled I think my hair looks better.  So I like to clean the drain.  One time about a month ago I fished a huge fist sized wad of hair out of the tub drain, it's only God's grace that didn't cause a blockage and an expensive plumbing bill.  I just hadn't been paying attention to the drain but I am now.  

So I try to put some lye down every month or so.  Other monthly things: run a cleaning cycle on the washer.  Uh, there is something else.  Oh, clean the water bowls.  I normally do all this on the first.  I already changed the air filter a week ago and it wasn't bad so I will do it again Oct 1.   I am just trying to stay on top of everything.  I am very happy with my washer, for instance, so I am very motivated to keep it working well and the manual did say to clean it once a month with Affresh brand tablets, so I do.  When finances were bad and I ran out I did use 1/2 cup vinegar instead (a repair man told me I could do that), but now that things are a little better and I have my discount I can use the tablets again.  

So today I will take it easy, get a nap, etc.  I already did the laundry about the only thing left on that is herd up all the support socks and put them in their box, also the masks.  I machine wash both and then hang them to dry.  I have boxes for them I keep near the bed so easy to grab when I am dressing.  

But today I am in my baggy knit shorts and an oversized gray tshirt.  Very relaxed.  I have some of the blinds open so I can get some fresh sunlight.  It will be hot today so not opening any windows.  But the AC isn't running (it works just comfortable right now).  

I used to think the house had good insulation until 2019, when I discovered I have no insulation in any of my outside walls.  That was a huge shock to me.  The electric bill has always been moderate I don't understand.  I just have wood siding, studs, and drywall.  How is it low?  Only God knows.  But it is very comfortable in here all the time, I have low utility bills, and very reasonable running of the system.  I do have a big tree out front (about the right size for my one story home) so maybe that helps.  I let the neighbor cut the bushes on the south side boy she was happy to do that...so that's not shading the house.  At any rate I am happy.  

Utility bills will come next week.  Gas and electric.  Electric hasn't been too bad only one person here and thermostat set at 82.  My aunt doesn't complain about it being hot when she comes to visit, no sweating or fanning herself, so I'm not suffering.  

I am not thinking about work today I will deal with that tomorrow.  Not there are big issues, but I always wonder about transportation and they changed my hours a bit.  I don't know why they do that but I can use the $40 I will make tomorrow.  That will buy weeks of cat food and litter, or groceries, etc.  

I am really liking the 10% off.  Even before Ron died I used to think how much of my money went to Walmart, and now I'm getting some of it back.  Especially if it is something I already need.  

I made a smoothie last night with berries, soy milk, and protein powder it was pretty good.  I have some frozen chopped greens I will be adding to future smoothies for a little more nutrition.  We are in the middle of a pandemic and I need to have top notch nutrition.  

And there's Biscuit laying on his plastic bag.  He loves his bag so I'm keeping it.  

Monday

 I really like my new wedding band, $12 delivered and very pretty.  It has a mirror finish, titanium, 6 mm wide.  When I size down out of this I will get an 8mm but this one is perfect for now.  I didn't want a big investment (assuming I could afford it, which I can't): ride the bus need to be inexpensive and nothing they will covet; I work retail with my hands to some extent so it has to be replacable; I am losing weight so I will not be wearing it for years.  I like having an assortment sometimes I want the black ring, sometimes the abalone, sometimes the tungsten or the titanium.  Some rings I can't wear at work because I do use spray disinfectant on occasion.  I am not really one for gloves and my skin has not fallen off.  But I don't want to hurt a ring.  

My aunt is coming to get me today.  We will run errands.  I need to go to Bank, Walmart for sure.  I need to go to Sam's and get some candy I am almost out (again!).  I would like to go to Ikea and look at mattresses but I do not think that is happening today.  My aunt texted me my lawyer called her so that will be an interesting encounter.  My aunt did some research the lawyer is a Christian and seems like a very nice lady.  

Probably young enough to be my daughter but that is OK!  I just want Ron's money, which is mine, that will be a big load off.  

The cats are good, Torbie and Baby Girl laid down on the couch as I sat there doing my God Time.  I rewarded them with treats when I finished.  There is something very sweet about a cat present during Bible Study and prayer time.  They are good cats.  

I don't like to think about work on my days off, and happily being a worker bee I normally can avoid it, but I need to plan on some meals for the days I work.  I had some digestive upset this morning so I think taking sandwiches with deli meat (that are not frozen) are out.  Maybe I need to do vienna sausages or something.  I will figure it out.  

So: I did get vienna sausage.  I also got some small Beanie-weenies.  Those will make a fast and safe meal.  I won't have to worry about mushing it or it going bad like I would with most sandwiches.  I will make up a good stack of PB&J tomorrow as well so I have some choices.  

AND I got a cheap blender so I can make smoothies.  I have soy milk, hemp protein powder, etc.  I also got some fresh bananas, frozen OJ (I like to put a dollop of concentrate in a smoothie now and then.  And the rest stores nicely in the freezer.  I also got some frozen fruit.  So I have some options there that can make a good dinner.  I got some generic cereals, Raisin Bran and Cheerios, so I can have a bowl of cereal for dinner after work.  I have plenty of powerade bottles for storing shakes.  

I also got the things I had been forgetting like washer cleaner and some of those things you hang in the toilet bowl to clean it.  I had enough cat food so I didn't get more.  I am OK for litter too.  

All told we went to my bank, Walmart (thank you discount card), and Food Town for some fried lemon pies which I had forgotten.  Then some delicious lunch.  That was pretty much it.  

My aunt left the house later than planned because she had to talk to the lawyer.  She said at one point (my aunt) that she felt the lawyer would appreciate the fact the papers were so well organized.  My aunt was a CPA so I know they were tidy.  I also gave my aunt a bank statement I had lost and Ron's bank statement as well.  I am pretty transparent with her.  

I think it is important for all my family so they can see me slipping, if I do start.  So far I have been OK mainly due to my faith.  

I have said it before and I will say it a little differently: I can't imagine how a person without faith in a loving redeeming God would handle the loss of a husband and job.  It is catastrophic when you believe in Abba (Daddy, a very loving and nurturing) Father looking out for you, how awful to just think you are alone in the universe with no one looking out for you.  Which is why I am glad I had my faith before this all happened.  And, because of our shared faith, I know Ron is far better off now.  He is not sitting in the urn, he is rejoicing in Heaven.  He can run.  He can see.  He can live - far more than he could down here.  I wouldn't take that from him if I could.  

I am not saying mine is better; I am just saying I'm glad I have what I do.  One thing that drives me with evangelism is this; people out there in the world without any One to cling to.  

So it was a pretty good day.  We also agreed we will try to recruit the yard guy to do some repairs to the fence.  The part by the street needs some work.  Dogs are getting in through a gap and the gate is broken.  My aunt wants some of the back cleaned up as well.  There is a double fence and my side is shot.  She wants all that taken away.  I am not worried about that but I think it will make other people feel better and shouldn't cost too much.  The other side of the fence (the neighbors built their own fence when they bought the house) is fine.  

If I worry about anything on the back fence it is the neighbor's very large oak tree!  That has given me some moments let me tell you.  

But he will give us a good deal with hopefully enough money left to fix Ron's room.  It would be nice to fix the drywall, paint, and get floors.  Then I can get a mattress for the bed and some cute sheets, set it up as a little guest spot.  I already bought a blanket for it, I have the queen version of it and it is very durable, soft, and warm.  I have had the queen version for some years and it is great, a little pilly but that never got in the way of a good night's sleep.  And it has stood up to cat biscuits/kneading very well.  Gravy in particular loved that blanket.  

All this is being covered by a friend of my aunt's who has taken a shine to my story.  She was also a caregiver so she could relate.  

I find as time passes I am letting more details out because Ron is not around to lose his pride/dignity.  So some things may come out in conversation like his use of certain disposable products.  He doesn't care if I say it now, he doesn't eliminate in Heaven anyway so it's fine.  And if it can help someone I will bring it up.  

Like one time at Walmart I had a woman asking about a certain disposable brief.  She asked if they were good for people bed bound.  I said yes, I knew they were.  She asked how I knew so I told her my husband spent the last year of his life in bed and this is all we used.  She said Oh!  How do I figure out size?  So I showed her on the package and she got the correct one.  Ron would have approved.  Obviously the woman was transitioning as a caregiver and needed a little help which I was happy to give.  And they are a good brief.  I can't recall us ever having a leak in the year I used them.   Let me put up a link, God Forbid you have a loved one needs them.  https://www.walmart.com/grocery/ip/Assurance-Unisex-Stretch-Brief-with-Tabs-L-XL-32-Count/172161420

So that's about it for now I will post more if something comes to mind.  

Sunday

 I slept OK but tired this morning, went to work.  Boss saw me and asked me to clock in early, which I did.  Asked me to stay late, too, said sorry I can't.  But I did get an extra hour and a half.  

Work started out slow but got very busy.  I was happy to get my break.  I called a cab after I left and he came in about 20 minutes home fast.  

I would like to talk about what I do but here are the facts: I have a stalker.  This person has proven they will meddle in my life if given the opportunity.  So I can't share as many details as I used to.  

I can talk about some things, like the fact that no employee seems to wear decent shoes.  Am I the only one thinking about my feet?  I don't know.  Things are always quiet in the early morning.  If you're going to shop I suggest before 10.  

I am tired going to bed.  I did up 3 weeks of pills after I talked to Dad and also ran a load of laundry when I got home.  Cats are good.  That's it for now.  

Mostly Saturday

 Yesterday was pretty crazy.  Going to work: uneventful.  Work itself: busy but OK.  

The excitement started on the ride home.  Waiting at the first bus stop with me was a mother and toddler son.  The boy was very restless and disobedient.  When he saw the bus coming he began lunging toward the street, a very busy street.  I'm thinking "If he gets hit he is dead" and the mother kept making vain attempts to control him.  But this is the problem with the "I don't spank" generation, the kids have no respect for their parents or any rules.  The mother ended up having to pick him up and he was at least 3 and obviously very heavy for her.  The bus doors were broken, we had to enter through the back.  

When I got on the second bus they had a detour and the bus driver had no idea what she was doing.  I finally asked her to let me off at a busy intersection (not on the bus route) so I could catch a cab.  Half the bus left with me.  A very strange, mostly naked, woman tried to attach herself to me once I got off and it took me a while to shake her.  I just wasn't up for mostly naked women with shaved heads.  

I called my cab driver friend and explained, he said "I have some bad news" and I thought he was going to say "I'm not driving today".  Instead he said he had another trip he had just accepted.  I said I was fine waiting and he was pretty quick about it.  I am taking him again today because they are undoubtably doing the roadwork today, too.  He can use the money and I will get a quick ride home.  

Last night as I was waiting for him I kept thinking if I had called him right as I left work I would have saved so much grief.  I was waiting at a fast food place so I got some dinner.  I ate the fries there and had the burger when I got home.  

It was pretty good.  Not that I plan on going back anytime soon.  I took a nap when I got home, got up, called my parents, and looked online at Amazon for a titanium ring.  I found a cute one for $10 so I pulled the trigger and bought it.  Should come today/Monday.  I went back to bed.  

I slept OK but woke up very tired.  I have already had one Diet Dew so far I think I am going to have a couple before I leave.  That's it for now.  

Saturday

 Work went fine.  The other girl was there and she was sick.  Not real happy about that but she has some things in her life so I get it.  Also had a pretty sick customer come through buying, of all things, clothes and makeup.  I could relate if it were remedies, pet food, prescriptions, humidifier, stuff like that.  But foundation?  Agh.  

Oh well I knew this would happen when I said yes to working at Walmart.  I know I had a lot of sick customers come through when I worked at Target.  For the record I do like working at Walmart better.  For instance it is a lot easier to get a break and lunch.  I can work extra hours.  Managers give respect.  

I did take my trusty oregano oil when I got home and will even take some of Ron's olive leaf capsules just to be careful.  It is sad I am getting used to not having him around.  I think it really helped when I closed off his room; I stopped looking for him every time I went down the hall.  

But he is not "dead" he is better off in Heaven.  He wouldn't want to come back and I wouldn't ask him to come back the way he was.  When I see him again, and I will, he will be perfected and no problems at all.  I am happy for him but I do miss him.  I am glad I put a moratorium on dating.  Hard to believe I am almost at 6 months.  

I am really glad I do work Saturdays as those were very hard for me at first.  Now I just think about work instead of having a pity party.  And I do grieve but it is not the traditional sobbing.  I am just sad and miss him.  I think a lot of it he had gotten so bad over the years (physically) I had done a lot of grieving already.  

I put in a time off request some months ago so I can have time off when my parents visit.  That was approved almost right away and I double checked it this morning when I checked my schedule.  I have to "assess" every morning before I can log in and just basically say I am not sick, and I'm not.  Once I do that it will let me clock in at the appropriate time.  I also checked my schedule, notable they are having me work some Wednesdays next month.  I am fine having Monday-Tuesday off.  I like the two days together.  I can stay up the one night and sleep in both days.  And I don't have anything going in my personal life except the time off in 3-4 weeks.  

I have been thinking to perhaps have the "godmother" pay for the repairs to Ron's room, it would be nice to open it up again.  She doesn't know the budget yet but I have that pretty high up on the list next to the fence repair (I have had stray dogs getting in my yard through that fence).  So if it's in the budget I will definitely bring it up.  

I need to go take my shower that is it for now.  More later when I get home.  

Friday, even

 I slept OK last night and had trouble getting going this morning.  When he saw I was awake, Biscuit did his new thing and got into bed with me for a cuddle.  Very nice.  

I got up, got some breakfast, took a shower, checked my schedule (new one hasn't been posted, I have up to the tenth so far).  My boss is working 2 jobs so is very busy.  

Jack can't get me tonight, it is going to be his wife.  I have met her a few times and she is very nice.  I will make sure to let her know I appreciate it, I am not looking for anyone, how much I miss Ron, etc.  I don't want her to feel threatened although I don't think she does.  But things I would like to hear if I were in her shoes.  He gave me her number.  I will text her later and see if she wants me to get her some chocolate.  

That reminds me I need to look at my candy, make sure I have enough for the day.  Yesterday was pretty miserable waiting on the bus, it was very hot.  My deodorant did the job, though (antiperspirant/deodorant).  I put extra today just in case.  Other people get pretty close to me in my job at times so I want to be fresh.  It rained after I got to work.  It only rained for a little bit though.  

So another night at Walmart, it should be interesting.  Friday nights can be either really busy or fairly quiet.  No one really gets paid today so I think it will be quieter, parents spent a lot of money on school supplies last couple weeks, etc.  

We still have parents in there with a list looking to buy everything.  We put most of that stuff on clearance weeks ago, we don't keep seasonal stuff for long.  It is all Halloween stuff now.  Good luck finding anything on that list.  

The cats are good, Baby Girl is sleeping near my chair.  She is doing this more and I find it very cute.  She's a good girl.  She got some T*R*E*A*T*S earlier so she is happy.  

She only likes the Temptations brand.  She will gobble those up but not other brands.  So I get her Temptations.  I have a couple of canisters around the house, one in the bedroom, a couple in the front room, one in arms reach pretty much everywhere I hang out.  I fed them of course and filled up their water fountain.  

I am thinking to buy a new water fountain pretty soon, I just need to figure out where to put it.  Walmart has already figured out I have cats so that won't be a shock on whatever reports they run on my discount card.  

I am battling some anxiety issues every day, it is understandable but I need to put more faith in God to handle all that.  It is just so many changes this year, I think.  Yesterday I ran into a lady from Sam's Club who asked me all about Ron, I told her he died, etc.  She was very nice about it and said she would tell everyone what had happened.  

My last professional trip to Sam's, I did tell them he had died but that I didn't know how, so at least they will know now it was his heart.  Which I believe is the leading cause of death anyway.  Yes it is, almost a million a year.  So they see a lot of bad hearts at the morgue.  

I am debating having another diet Dew today before I leave.  Can't decide.  I have to leave in about an hour so I'm going to go check on that candy.  

Wednesday and some of Thursday

 I had a little bit of a headache after my nap yesterday but I managed to beat it back.  

It was pretty quiet just the way I had planned, went to bed pretty early.  I kept hitting the snooze this morning (Wednesday) but I got up eventually, shower, God Time, cleaned the litter box.  My aunt is on her way to take me out.  

Next day: it was an interesting day marked by a search for #19 wing nuts.  We had a couple trips to Home Depot, then lunch and then a trip to Walmart.  I only spent $58 with my discount.  

We came home, I put it away.  We talked for a while and she left, I called my parents and went to bed early.  

Now I have gone down an underwear size according to the measurements on the package, so I laundered a smaller size I had on hand and tried them on this morning.  Nope.  I still have some weight to lose before I can do those.  I do find it interesting my current size has spanned a 30 pound weight range.  

One thing I find a little disturbing about Dad's visit next month.  He wants to see the route I take to work, the walking, follow the bus route in a car, etc.  I have no problem with that.  Then he said he wants to run across the street to the bus stop.  That, I'm going to put my foot down.  He could trip, there could be a maniac, and I am out a Dad killed before my eyes!  No way.  I have enough traffic fears.  

But I will show him the route I walk to the bus stop and have him trace the route in the car.  He should find it interesting.  Albeit long!  But he used to take us for long road trips when I was a kid.  

I slept great and got up early.  Biscuit lay on me in bed for a while once I woke up, before the alarm.  He is getting to be a very cuddly boy.  Spotty "helped" me dress by getting on my jeans and rubbing up against my leg as I was trying to pull on my support socks.  Pretty funny!  I had to lure Torbie out of the computer chair with some cat treats.  She has gotten spoiled and kept meowing for me to give them to her in the chair.  Normally I do.  

I didn't see much of Cleo but she's around.  Probably out back.  

A friend of my aunt's wants to sponsor some home repairs.  It will be interesting to see.  I have been thinking and there are a couple of issues, paint for the house, fix garbage disposal, fix fence by gate.  Who knows maybe all 3?  

She doesn't know how much money she is getting but said she wants it to go to me.  I guess I am a sympathetic case.  Caregiver, widowed, just trying to make ends meet working at Walmart and take care of my cats.  

I have some anxiety today and my hands are pretty bad but other than that OK.  Mood is alright a little depressed but I imagine that's going to be around for a while.  I have a lunch packed, candy for my bus drivers, vest is washed (I try to wash it on my day off), etc.  I have a long enough shift today I need a lunch but not so long I will be exhausted (I hope).  I want to be tired when I go to bed and I'm sure I will.  I talked to Jack he is coming to get me after work so no worries on that.  I have his money and a little spending money for me in my pocket.  Got the bus pass, house keys, cats have food and water, everything I can think of.  

There is a lot to living alone just various things you have to do, and don't have anyone to remind you.  I do miss the companionship but everything I am reading in my Bible studies says I should be single for now.  And I don't want a bad relationship.  I think one reason I didn't cry much when Ron died I had cried so much during the 29 years we were together.  He wasn't an evil man but he had issues and sometimes he lashed out verbally.  I don't want that again.  I really have no concept of a healthy relationship.  

That's it for now; I will have to go to bed as soon as I get home so likely no blog tonight.  

Tuesday morning

 I slept great last night and got up a little after 7.  I did my faith walk stuff.  

If you are interested I read the Bible a couple of different ways, read some devotionals, and on a good day do a lot of praying.  I am happy with my method.  It is "hard" especially the prayer part but I feel it is worthwhile.  

World Missionary Press in particular will always send out a sad plea for prayer when I am slacking ... so I realize it is important.  Not always feasible to do half an hour of intercessory prayer on days I work a long shift, but I can definitely get to it on my days off.  

I also watched the slideshow of Ron photos I was just missing him today.  I am not sorry he is in Heaven but I do miss the good times.  Baby Girl got up on the couch with me and I discovered her back was matted with dead fur.  So I had to pull all that out, and she let me, I think it is uncomfortable for her.  I checked her all over and pulled off about 5 handfuls of dead fur.  I believe she is depressed since Ron's death they were very bonded.  She will sleep near my computer chair but it's not the same.  She looks great now and got a lot of treats for being such a good girl.  None of the other cats has matting issues.  I brushed her, too, for good measure.  She is a shorthair.   

I need one of those self cleaning grooming brushes for her.  I do OK now though.  

While reading my Bible I did get a verse I had highlighted some time ago: 

I will set nothing wicked before my eyes; 

And I couldn't help but think of my fireman TV show, I had been thinking it has a lot of immorality in it.   And I felt God really didn't want me watching that so I didn't turn it on.  I am watching a reality show about truckers now.  Not as interesting but I am on the high ground.  

That's why, if I decide to look for another husband, he will have to be a committed Christian.  A "regular" guy is not going to understand a faith walk and making God happy above everyone else, above a husband and even myself.  Also, as I saw with Ron, a guy who is not always 100% committed to pleasing Jesus is going to try to pull you away from him.  

A common exchange at my house the last 10 years: 

"I'm going to do my God time" 

"Him?  Don't waste your time/tell Him to hurry up" 

I want a guy, if I decide to look for one, who will say to me he is doing his God Time.  That we could have shared Bible studies together.  I didn't get that with Ron.  Someone to pray for me.  Someone who respects me because I am a created child of God and respects others as well.  

Now in the meantime God is my husband, yes there is a Bible verse on that but I am too lazy to look it up.  God is absolutely going to take care of the widow (me).  He can and wants to satisfy my emotional and spiritual needs; I need to look to God for that and not man.  So I will focus on that.  

I had always figured I would get lonely and want someone else if something happened to Ron; I was right.  That's why I'm giving it 5 years and why I am going to work at improving myself, loving my fellows, and pleasing God.  If I rush into another relationship it will go toxic.  

I own a house now, some people will see me as a target.  So I need to be savvy.  But it is easy to see how a lonely widow can end up making mistakes.  It is odd to write about being a widow in the middle of the summer, it is hot and sunny out.  

That's it for now.  I am going to eat a snack and then take a nap.  I don't get those every often these days.  

Monday

 Video Blog: 

I hope my tshirts hold up... I only spent $3.50 each with my discount.  They look very nice, seem to be well made, very soft.  

90% of my closet is comprised of clothes from Walmart.  With one exception they all held up very well.  The one time it didn't they took it back and gave me my money.  

The rest of my day went well they did not ask me to work late again.  (joking) Did I do such a bad job last night they said "NEVER again!"?  [grin]  I don't know.  Or maybe they are out of payroll.   I don't envy management a lot of pressure there.  I was happy to escape at 3.  

As I said I have budgeted for either $20 in takeout or a ride home in a cab on my "Friday" (actually Monday).  It is worth it and I can trim some fat from the budget.  So I called for a ride after I clocked out and he came in 15 minutes.  Excellent.  I was home quickly and worth every penny.  I remember sitting at home, surrounded by the cats, a cold drink in my hand (non alcohol) and thinking "Worth every penny".  I buy generic soaps.  I buy the cheapest shampoo and deodorant.  But some things I do not cheap: laundry detergent, cat food, and transportation.  

I am having some allergy issues which is a little frustrating as "the hack" (nagging dry cough) is trying to reappear.  I can't go to work coughing.  I can't.  I am on maximum dosing on Nasocort and Loratadine (Claratin).  Did I mention I do buy generic OTC medication?  I will do that... so just waiting for that to kick in.  Also taking mega doses of Vitamin C.  

I will add, allergies got bad after I got the vax.  Is it related?  I don't know.  If so, it is a pretty minor side effect.  I just need to get on top of it.  I also got a new plug in about that time, that could be a factor.  

Oh, duh.  I can change the air filter.  Going to go do that.  Done.  Hardest part of that is getting off the floor!  The old filter actually wasn't bad but I changed it anyway.  Each filter runs about $8.  

I really like the plug in but I may have to unplug it for a few weeks.  I can't go around dry-hacking during a pandemic.  I don't want to scare people.  

Other than that I am doing laundry, throw it in the dryer and leave it wet overnight, dry tomorrow morning and hang up.  And do nothing else aside from my shower tomorrow.  

I really feel God is telling me it is very important to take downtime not to run and run busy busy.  Yes, I don't think about Ron or feel sorry for myself but grief is a process and I need to walk the road.  And I will do that.  

I loved him hard, some would say a lot more than I should have.  I miss him "hard".  That is acceptable and understandable despite what one person told me.  

I also need to focus on my relationship with God vs. dating again.  That is a temptation I won't lie, especially now as the cause of death came back and I have some peace on that.  But I am giving myself at least 5 years, and focusing on spending some time with God at least twice a day, every day.  

I think that's the best thing I can do right now.  

Sunday

 I've been working!  Today they asked me to start early and work late, I even made some overtime.  

Boss seems to value my role and that's good.  I plan to bring a full lunch, etc., wear my support socks (so sexy! 😂) and all so I can work late if called on.  

I have noticed Boss Lady likes to ask me to work late on weekends and Monday so seems smart to be ready.  

Cats are good.  Mild allergy issues but nothing too bad.  

That's it for now.  

Friday for a change

 I am trying to be more diligent with the blogging.  

One thing I have found I just naturally wake up early most days, so even on the days I work a late shift I get up early and take care of my stuff before work.  Which means I can carve out 20 minutes or so for a blog.  

I slept OK, cats are good.  Both Biscuit and Spotty got in my lap and attempted to do it at the same time, but not enough lap.  I have some big boys.  I will have to lint-roll before I go to work.  I am wearing my support socks I find them helpful although they are not a treat to wear.  But I feel better at the end of the night when I do wear them.  I have plenty of them and they launder well.  I have good shoes as well.  

Last night I had to deal with one difficult customer who may come back tonight.  He tried to say I was a manager and I laughed at him, said I am "very low on the food chain" and quite happy to be there.  That made him quite angry and then shouting for someone higher up.  She came, he treated her about as badly as he had me...I later told her I was sorry I had to call her but she didn't take it personally.  

Women Walmart managers are tough cookies and bulletproof so that is good to know.  Male managers are also great.  No complaints with the managers.  

A co worker or two have mildly annoying quirks but nothing I can't handle.  Customers run the whole gamut let me tell you.  Some are wonderful; some are not.  But Walmart probably doesn't want me gossiping so I will leave it at that.  

One of my devotionals this morning was all about working hard for the Lord and having a good witness at work which of course makes me wonder what kind of night I am going to have?!  We will see I will not blog tonight as I have to go straight to bed when I get home, and then get up early tomorrow (5 AM) to get to work on time Saturday.  

My boss has, on a couple of occasions, asked me to work later on the weekends and when I work Monday so I am going in tomorrow assuming that will happen, prepare accordingly, and then able to say "Yes, ma'am" and do it.  I can use the extra money.  A couple of times I was not ready and had to decline.  

I did talk to my aunt about the bed, also my parents, everyone thinks it is a good idea so I'll get it.  I think I can get it Tuesday if I order it Saturday.  I found a nice blanket at Walmart, twin size, for $6 and it is a type I have on my own bed and very cozy.  My aunt says she has bedding so I would just need a pillow.  And God knows Walmart has a whole aisle of pillows I will go with my aunt and let her pick it out as she will be the one using it.  

I need to do something with Ron's room anyway I can't shut it off forever.  When I liberate his bank account I will have the repairs made but until then I can set up the bed.  I can't leave the door open 1.  Cats in the bed would freak out my aunt.  2. They can get in the drywall.  I don't want them messing up the plumbing or getting stuck.  So I will keep the door shut until repairs are made but at least it won't be so stark when I go in there.  

I don't have a problem using the bed base, I did get rid of the mattress and the bedding he was using at the time he died.  I did keep one blanket for the cats but the sheets and vinyl mattress cover (very useful, that) got tossed.  The bed comes rolled up so I take it back there, cut the plastic, and there's a mattress.  I did that with my bed about 5 years ago.  I was having hip pain on the old mattress, which was over 10 years old, so I tossed it and got a new one from Ikea.  Ikea does not have the mattress I want, in stock.  Never had another problem with the pain once I changed out the mattress.  

It gives me something to think about at any rate.  I just remembered I need to do up a bag of candy, let me do that and come back.  Done.  I got a lot of candy the other day so I am set for a while.  

That's it for now

Thursday night

 Got cussed out twice tonight by customers (not my fault) and heard about a big argument between two associates because one felt disrespected.  God loves me, Jesus values me... I don't worry much about what people think unless it is direct family, a close friend, or my supervisor.  

I did my worker bee routine and came home, I still had some salmon left.  If you have access to Dave's Bread the "Good Seed" one is spectacular.  I love a good hearty multigrain with seeds in it.  I spread some cream cheese on a slice of bread and topped it with some salmon.  Yum.  

The cats are good.  I am going to bed.  

Wednesday and a little of Thursday morning

 I slept OK.  I generally wake up 1-2 times a night to urinate but that's not a big deal I've been like that a long time.  

I started out OK but depressed.  I am all set to go out and run my errands, my aunt should be by very soon.  I have decided to pull up the blinds a little, on one window, in the front room as the cats love looking out the window.  They are so cute I can't resist.  

I did get some lap time with Cleo and Biscuit (not at the same time).  I always enjoy that.  Biscuit likes to get up next to me and nip at me until I pet him, it's very cute.  Cleo just climbs up next to me and shoves her butt in my face which I read is a sign of great trust and affection.  I did see the other cats, everyone is fed and watered, cleaned out the litter boxes.  My aunt sits right next to the litter boxes when she comes to visit so I want it to be a pleasant experience.  

Sometimes Baby Girl is bad and will use the litter box in front of my aunt, who is always nice about it.  But ick.  I am used to it, though.   

So we went out, did some grocery shopping.  I bought more candy to hand out.  We went to the other Walmart my aunt's call and fine by me.  I also put some money in savings, now I have enough to cover flood insurance in October.  

I do need to get ahold of flood insurance and let them know Ron's dead.  It is still really a shock to get those two words together: Ron (and) dead.  But he is.  I am glad I can cover the insurance.  A flood is probably the most likely event I face.  

Still depressed today but at least functional.  I went to the bank.  I went to Walmart, got groceries, put them away.  I saved a total of $10 today with my discount card.  We got lunch.  We went back to Walmart because I had forgotten the candy, I found all the items I wanted so was happy with that...came back home and hung out for a while.  

So that was good.  She left.  I tried to take a nap but couldn't.  So I finished the laundry and checked the mail.  It looks like property tax will run about a thousand this year.  Plus HOA fees which aren't awful.  

Biscuit got up in my lap again such a loving, tender, cat.  He is terrified of strangers but so devoted to me.  Worth every penny of the many dollars I have spent on his condition.  I can see why some people do everything for an ailing pet trying to keep it alive.  If he is suffering and can't be fixed he goes to Ron.  I'm not going to torture him, Torbie, or any of the other cats.  But if I can fix him I will.  If he needs special food and a plug in water fountain he will get it.  Has gotten it.  

If he wants his plastic bag on the floor he gets it, and is on it, right now.  And that bag is staying on the floor until he's sick of it.  For now he loves it so it stays.  I don't care if it looks trashy it is my house.  

Oh, and Baby Girl pooped in the box again in front of my aunt.  We are trying to get her to LIKE cats, I thought, be cute and sweet and endearing, nearby but not enough to threaten.  But no Baby Girl has other ideas.  My aunt actually had a half feral cat for several years, she lived (the cat) outside and they were on very good and understanding terms, we like each other but not too much.  That cat worshipped her it was really cute.  I guess Baby Girl is buttering her up in case something happens to me.  

If something happens to me, my aunt will find homes for the cats but not with her.  She has a couple of cat lady friends, and I have sent her a dossier so the next owner knows a little.  Like, Baby Girl doesn't hate small dogs.  That could be useful.  

Anyway my aunt left and went home.  She said she was a little drowsy on the ride home.  I would like to get Ron's bed going again so my aunt could take a nap in there before she goes home.  I just need to get a mattress.  I have the bedding.  Get a nice pillow, Walmart has some good cheap ones (I need a commission for all my sales work!).  I will look into that.  

I will ask her if we can do that sometime soon.  I would want her to go with me (likely to Ikea) so she could test out the bed and find one she likes as she will be the likely user.  I also need to get the frame out and make sure I can reassemble it.  I think I will go get that going.  

Nah I have a little bit of a headache.  

[next day]  I actually did it.  Set up the platform and then went to bed early.  Slept pretty well; woke up, ants in the cat food (bowls) so I went out and poisoned the ants.  It was very heartening to see worker ants carrying around crumbs of poison.  They should be gone by the time I get home from work.  

Had a little trouble with hand tremor getting the app going this morning.  It has stopped asking me if I am vaccinated maybe it knows already or they determined it wasn't a legal question to ask an employee.  I don't know.  But I got it done.  Now I need to take my shower and then figure out what I am doing for lunch today.  

That's it for now.  I will try to be better about posting on days I work.  

Tuesday morning

 Work was OK.  I had a migraine the night before but managed to render myself functional by the time I left the house.  $40 is $40.  

I did my job, clocked out, headed over to the pharmacy for my vax.  I had to fill out paperwork which I expected.  They made the process pretty easy.  I had a long wait but they had a chair.  The pharmacist was very nice and professional.  I did get very dizzy trying to stand BUT that could have been a residual of the migraine.  Not really blaming the vax for that.  

I got some ice cream (a pint) the first I have gotten since Ron died.  It was a special occasion that will not be a routine.  I also bought myself a very nice rose pink hoodie with a zipper.  It has to have the zipper.  I saved almost $2 with my discount card.  I can wear that when it gets colder.  

It was raining and the power/lights were out but Jack still got to me.  Traffic was horrible, it was pouring, the lights were out SO glad I had paid him for a ride.  I think if I have to work Mondays I will either get takeout or pay for a ride home.  Not both though.  

Got home the house was dark but that's OK.  I have lanterns though (battery) Ron bought me last year they are very nice.  They did the trick until the lights came on.  

I called my parents and let them know (I texted everyone who had asked me to get the vax and told them I had done it) I had gotten the shot I think Dad has been worried about me.  I can see why; I'm on the bus, I work at Walmart... to quote the song "It's just a matter of time".  So that's done.  I took a lot of Vitamin C (I have some powder I just put it in water and drink) too to really boost my system.  I have to get my booster on Labor day.  Odds are I will work that day (which is fine) and I can just get it after work like I did yesterday.  

I went to bed early and slept great, I woke up at 1 but back to sleep.  I had a lot of caffeine the previous 24 hours so I wasn't shocked I woke up.  I tend to throw limits out the window when I am battling a migraine and it was a really nasty one.  That is the second time I have gotten a migraine after eating grilled cheese so I may cut that for a while.  But I feel rested.  

I have had problems with the timeclock app the last week and yesterday it logged me out.  The problem is there are several steps to log back in and my hands were shaking too much to do it.  So I waited until this morning and God helped me get it.  I had a (diet) Mountain Dew to celebrate and made my video.  

I have to do laundry today (I feel fine so I can) after I take a shower.  Sorry for bad hair in the video I just wanted to do the blog while I was thinking about it.  Cats are good; Biscuit actually logged me out of the first video.  It was pretty funny when I caught it.  So the video you watch is actually the second one.  

I have also had a burden to let the driver know he did not kill Ron.  The Medical Examiner said so; this is something he needs to hear.  He has probably been blaming himself.  I sent him a message absolving him and I talk about that in the video.  

So that's it for now I am off today and tomorrow so lots of me to post, then back to work Thursday.  

Pretty much a whole week in a couple of paragraphs

 Sorry I have been busy at work.  

Last week was tax free weekend and basically the government telling all the parents go out and buy your school supplies.  Nope, many parents waited until the last minute (this weekend) and have made things busy at work.  

Things have been OK.  I have had more trouble with the app but I can log in and out OK.  Bus trips and transportation have been OK as well.  

Torbie slept by my face last night, curled up on my pillow.  Adorable.  But I would like to know: why is there a large clump of brown cat fur next to my computer chair?  It must have happened at work.  

That's it for now, going to bed early.  

Wednesday and some of Thursday

 I slept OK considering but woke up pretty depressed.  I got my shower and my Bible study.  My aunt should be here in about an hour.  

I locked the cat door so the cats wouldn't torture/eat the fledge (baby mockingbird).  I hear the parent bird outside agitated so I think it is still out there.  I'm going to go look.  

I didn't see the baby but the parent bird is very concerned.  Oh, that we humans had parents like that.  

Admittedly I have good family support now but did not 40 years ago.  I'm not grudgy but I get the longing...at any rate I will be keeping the cats locked up another day.  They, surprisingly, don't seem to mind.  

That's been a big surprise.  

Years ago, must have been back in 2009-2010 I had a stray cat coming around, she would act very affectionate and then viciously bite.  She got me, and later, got Ron, even though I warned him.  He had just had hand surgery so his hand was wrapped and didn't get injured.  I was worried she would attack the neighbor kids and put everyone off my cats.  I mean, what parent wouldn't want to kill the cat that bit his child?  And most people can't tell cats apart so Bubba was at risk.  

I called animal control, they provided a trap.  I locked Bubba up for the night - he was not happy about that - and baited the trap with yummy wet food.  And I caught her, called Animal Control, showed them the bite wound, they took her away.  Bubba was positively smirking when I showed him the biter in the trap.  

And yes, I would do it again.  I have 2 rules for my cats you don't bite (going to the vet or being medicated are acceptable excuses), and you use the box.  And my cats have all understood.  Torbie did try to bite me some time back when I had to give her steroid tablets.  I don't know how I will dose her if she needs medication again as I would have Ron hold her down.  As Dad would say, cross that bridge when you come to it.  

Torbie is good at the vet; they all are except Cleo who is very "spicy".  It took 2 techs to hold her down with a net while Doc gave her the vaccines.  Forget about an exam, any cat who could fight like that and take an impressive dump on the exam table was healthy.  😂  It's funny now...

But poor Cleo hates the vet and that is partly my fault.  She was semi feral and very shy, I trapped her (used Mixed Grill wet food if you ever need to trap a cat) and took her straight to the vet.  They put her in a cage and fasted her, did the spay the next morning, while she was out they did her microchip and vaccines.  She woke up that day and was not happy.  Vet did not feel comfortable sending her home so back in the cage and kept overnight.  Next day I was allowed to come get her and I brought her in the house for the first time.  

So she doesn't like the vet at all.  Or, cages.  When I die Cleo will have to be a TNR or put down.  

She had to go back a few weeks later for stich removal (for some reason my vet does not use the glue you find at the low cost clinic?), but was too spicy for that, vet said don't worry.  Did get her second course of vaccines and then the deposit.  But not her fault.  

I have been looking at my broken tooth and pretty sure I will have to have it pulled, which is going to suck.  I am not worried about recovery I have already had 4 teeth pulled for braces and then 4 more for wisdom teeth.  I can recover from that... but the extraction process!  It is a back molar so not visible but less chewing... my front teeth seem fine but the back ones... agh.  

Anyway not going to borrow trouble.  Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof... Jesus basically saying only focus on today's problems not tomorrow or next week.  

I can still eat, albeit slower, and it doesn't hurt.  

I don't have a lot of errands to run today and my aunt is on her way.  She was eyeing my blackout curtains (in the bedroom) for a while and really likes them.  She got herself some blackout curtains so I will be curious to hear how they worked out for her.  

It is a huge shock to me; my headaches have almost completely vanished.  I get one now and then but not very often as opposed to literally every single day.  I still haven't really accepted I had that level of stress with Ron.  

I'm glad he isn't hurting but I miss having a husband, and I'd be a liar if I didn't say I missed the financial security.  Now it's all on me and that's a lot.  But he suffered a lot at the end and I'm not sorry that is over.  I wouldn't bring him back if I could.  

I am glad I kept most of the ashes.  I like having him around.  Not sure if that will change one day.  

[Next day]

I ran some errands with my aunt, not a lot.  Mainly Walmart and the pet store when Walmart didn't have my cat food.  I need the Iams Urinary for Biscuit.  If he doesn't eat it he will die.  They did have another urinary brand.  I considered it.  You know this brand.  

I read the label and the first ingredient was corn.  I am not feeding my cats a corn diet.  Now the Iams does have corn in it but some sort of chicken is ingredient #1.  That's what I want for my cats.  So I looked at the pet store and they had a 16 pound bag of the Iams, that is over 2 weeks of cat food for all of them, for $24.  I will just do that.  

Depression was still there most of the day but I pushed through, to paraphrase the commercial.  I did sleep OK.  

I had to get rid of my $2 pork chops as I didn't have the energy to cook and was pretty sure they were bad anyway.  I hate to waste raw food I was too depressed to cook but that happens very seldom.  

I dug into my Bible study today; good messages.  I don't always get a "banner" like I did the day after Ron died but I was encouraged; a good reason to keep up my discipline.  But I can't do it in my own strength some days I just can't do everything I would like with regards to the Bible study and prayer time.  

I was a good time budgeter today so I have a couple hours yet before I have to go.  I may come back before I leave, or just do a quick post when I get back from work.  We'll see.  

Tuesday

 I slept OK and got up around 8.  It was pretty uneventful today; I did some cleaning, made the bed.  

Last night Torbie got on the unmade bed and looked so pretty and sweet, I didn't have the heart to move her, so I just slept on my mattress pad with a flat sheet.  

I took some stuff out from the garage to the backyard, when I did I saw a young man in a water district truck.  He was marking the utility lines.  

Now, #2 has had a leak in their fresh water for a while, it pools up around the sidewalk.  That has been going on a while.  Also one house up the street, also has a leak that runs down the gutter.  I saw a utility district truck out there a week or two ago.  

I don't like the puddles of water because they remind me my plumbing can fail (Lord please no) and they breed mosquitoes which find me delicious.  I can't even sit outside.  

So he marked #2 at least and I see a backhoe digging right now.  Should make my trip to the mailbox a little more exciting in a few hours.  But no puddles anymore.  

Now if they could just get #12 I think it is... 

So that's good will make it easier to walk home from the bus.  And I am all caught up on the laundry and litter boxes.  I will do some meal prep tomorrow for my next couple days at work.  

Baby Girl just came over and I gave her some treats.  She is a sweet cat, not the beggar she was when Ron was alive I would call it appropriate begging.  A couple times a day vs. every few minutes.  And Ron had memory issues at the end so he would keep distributing.  So I had to do some reprogramming.  Torbie was also pretty bad for that.  

Cleo will eat a few treats if none of the other girls are around to bully her; not very often.  But she doesn't live for treats the way the older 2 girls do.  

Biscuit is still in love with his plastic bag on the floor.  So I'm leaving it.  He doesn't ask for much.  

My little Spot man is probably the least demanding of all; he just likes to get in my lap when I sit on the edge of the bed, dressing or undressing.  It is very cute.  He also likes to rub against my legs as my pant legs can attest - I have to lint roll all the orange fur.  

I was happy to find some cute denim shorts, fairly modest, in the garage.  Not a big secret to say most of Walmart's summer line up this year was/were destroyed jeans with big holes.  I am not paying good money for torn up clothes.  I am not.  I am also a plus size; so not always easy to find something.  But I had these and they look good, a little tight still but I will get there.  

So tomorrow I run errands with my aunt; I need to go to my store and pay bills, then do some shopping.  Get lunch with my aunt; that's about it.  I also need to run by my bank.  

I think I will have a little fashion show in my bedroom tonight and try on all my summer stuff, I don't have a lot, maybe 6 capris and shorts.  I know the standard pair I have been wearing this year have been baggy.  I am putting the too big stuff on the top shelf of my closet.  

Well I can hear the construction going I am going to take a peek.  They are working on #2 but not the other house.  

I also found a mockingbird fledgling.  Just learning to fly...I hope the cats don't find him.  

He is at the junction of the two green things.  

I am going to go make some lemonade.  

Monday

 I have been doing laundry all day and on load #3.  I had a pretty good nap.  

When I checked the mail I got a nice gift, a 10% discount card from Walmart.  Very tasty that is "like" a 10% raise for me.  Say I spend $80 a week, that's an $8 gift right now.  Or it covers my sales tax.  At any rate it's a good perk.  

It only works on general merchandise and fresh produce not groceries, but still a good deal.  And it's a very nice looking card I will keep with my bus pass.  So, happy about that.  

They even got it to me early I was hired on the 10th.  It was addressed to me from "Walmart Benefits" with my full name and of course address so now the postal carrier knows I work for Walmart.  

Not a problem.  I just hope I don't end up with the "doctor and lawyer" issue where people find out you work in a field and are always bothering you with questions and complaints.  So far that has not happened.  

I had a Postal Worker found me at Walmart some months ago and said "So that's where you ended up" and asked a few questions, what I did and what hours I worked.  I didn't think much of it.  Then a while later a Metrolift driver found me and was chatting me up.  A few days ago another postal worker found me and said they had wondered what happened to me.  The other vendor didn't tell them?  

At any rate I told her I was OK, working for Walmart and they were treating me alright.  I also quietly told her Ron's life insurance had paid off the house so I didn't have that worry anymore.  She was happy to hear it; I told her feel free to tell those at the Post Office.  I don't want them worried about me.  

I just had some neighbor kids bring me a gray tabby.  They thought it was mine.  I didn't take it of course, but offered them some cat food that they didn't take.  Baby Girl was quite intent on the proceedings.  It was pretty funny.  Stray Kitty was quite alarmed to see Baby Girl.  Who is territorial and probably beaten up Stray Kitty before.  Poor Stray Kitty was not having a good day.  

I have to say my cats would never allow themselves to be caught by a neighbor (girl was holding him? in her arms).  Biscuit was scared enough at the knock he ran and hid.  But I hope things get settled it looks like a nice cat and pretty clearly someone's pet.  

I am queasy for some reason after my medication.  I may break out the ginger root and put that in with my pills, I just did them up for 3 weeks.  I ate some crackers hopefully that will help.  

I ate the same meal not long ago with no problem and even ate more food than I had the other time; apparently my gut is fickle.  

I used some shoe boxes to store both the support socks, and the face masks.  It worked very well for both.  And it is tidier.  

[I do find it funny the kids knew I was the cat lady]

I am really happy I got my discount card, when I worked at Target many years ago it was a paper card with a barcode.  They could scan it and it would take off the 10%.  This one looks like a credit card and is swiped.  So it should be interesting.  

I am drying load #4 and then I am done for the night.  Happy about that.  

Then I have to make the bed but it will be clean sheets.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday and Monday morning

 So I went to work, I tend to get there a little early even for me, on a Sunday.  That is OK with Walmart.  I ate my breakfast and clocked in.  

I went to my work station and was doing my thing for a couple of hours.  I had decided to take my break when the other girl came in as it was moderately busy with tax free weekend.  Make the corporation a few more dollars.  About an hour before my break, the boss called me.  

She wanted me to work late, until 7.  I said I could do 6 and she said OK (next time I will just go with 7 as I ended up taking a cab home anyway).  So when the other girl came in I took a lunch and came back.  She took her break.  We worked together for a while.  

You get a mix of personalities at the store that is all I will say.  No one person is "bad" but some require a little more delicacy than others.  I try to apply Dale Carnagie principles.  Book link  Useful stuff, I need to reread it today.  I notice my encounters go a lot better when I do this.  So nothing "bad" just a little careful stepping now and then.  Of course I had a couple of very irate customers as well.  Not much I could do about that.  

And I am sure I am not always a treat always going on about Ron and the cats.  😂  So I finished up my shift.  

I had planned to pay some bills at the Money Center today; it was not open when I went in, and had closed by the time I got off.  I had planned to get my COVID shot, the pharmacy was closed by the time I got off.  So I figured it was God's way of saying no to that.  

I figured since I was making some extra money I would like to spend $20 of it on a cab, so I called my guy and arranged that.  He actually came early and walked around the store for a while.  I think he was curious to see where I worked (he is very happily long term married with kids).  He had me home in 10 minutes a lot better than the 2 hours on the bus.  

I sent my sister a text (her birthday) and then called my parents.  They are happy the boss wants me working more.  And that I am doing it.  I don't have a choice; I don't have a safety net and I am the only breadwinner.  Well, God has taken good care of me this year but you get the idea.  I have a responsibility to do as much as I can to support myself and the cats.  

Speaking of cats I went to Academy Sports last week and bought 2 pairs of work shoes, both Sketchers, both mens.  Very comfortable and up for a long day on my feet because I have to stand for hours at bus stops both before and after work.  I can't take a cab every day, nice as it would be!  😂  Anyway they gave me a large plastic bag.  I saved the boxes so I know what I like and can easily just say "more of the same" next time.  But I was lazy and left the bag on the floor.  It is no longer "my" bag.  It belongs to Biscuit, who lays on it constantly.  Last night even Baby Girl took a turn.  So I will keep it until he gets bored I think he likes the different texture.  

After the phone call I had a salami and cheese (didn't want to try the salami until I had a day off in case I got a migraine, but I didn't) on whole grain bread it was very good.  I had to chew rather carefully as I didn't want to affect my tooth but I got the food and my pills down just fine.  Then I called my sister she is doing pretty well but had a COVID exposure.  She is quarantining until she gets the test results.  I was teasing her about Ivermectin and saying it will get rid of any worms she has, and the virus, and telling her to go to a feed store.  She declined.  Her cat meowed at me over the phone a few times which was cute she is a little thing apparently.  Cat is getting spayed pretty soon.  Torbie got on me during the phone call but didn't meow.  Torbie only meows when she wants a treat and the day she first saw me at the shelter.  She meowed and came running over to me and jumped in my lap.  A really nice way to be chosen!  

The A/C is running already so I will not be running the dryer, but I do have a load of tshirts and underwear to wash.  I wash my darks in the dark wash detergent.  It has additives to keep the clothes dark, additives I would really rather not have in my underwear.  I just use the Free and Clear for the non dark loads.  So I need to do that.  

I also need to figure out a home for my support socks.  I like having them but I need a place to keep them, I think I will use one of my shoe boxes in the closet.  They are rather hot and it feels really good taking them off; but my legs do feel better wearing them and YES I am vain enough to want to keep my legs looking good with no veins for as long as possible.  My grandmother always said I had nice legs and so does my aunt.  But I am on my feet for well over 8 hours a day, sometimes as long as 11 or 12.  That takes a toll.  But I have to support myself.  

I did tell someone I was glad I did not get a bigger life insurance payout (aside from the $32K to pay off the house) because I would be sitting at home spiraling downward.  This way I have to get up, go out and work, make a living, activity and structure in my days.  I think that is what happened to my mother after her last husband died; he left her VERY well off but she didn't have any structure and really struggled.  She ended up losing everything.  I want to be a good steward of what I have.  

Anyway I think I will go get on the exercise bike for a while.  I'll be back later.  

Saturday and Sunday

 I have been working my ass off; 9 hour days not counting transit time.  Today I work 4 and then I am off a few days.  

Work has been OK no complaints.  I didn't sleep great kept waking up.  I think it was caffeine use yesterday.

I have been thinking recently you could make a music video of Ron's death, me leaving the house, him calling me, dying, me finding him and trying to revive him, calling 911, watching them work, and then accepting he was gone... to the song "Don't Let Me Down".  

Yesterday I called a cab driver friend I haven't talked to in ages and had to tell him about Ron's death.  He said it sounded like a great way to go.  I agree.  He (the driver) took me home after work I did not want to "fool" with the bus.  

The bus itself is not bad.  Standing at various bus stops does suck.  I don't feel comfortable around some of the people around a bus stop as well.  The bus tends to attract a certain element.  And I'm not talking about blacks, these are unmedicated, manic, white guys from 20's to old age.  They cause me the most discomfort.  The black guy gets on and listens to his cell phone on those little $150 headphonones, he's not bothering anyone.  The white guy is belligerent, aggressive, talkative, often intoxicated, and very sensitive to perceived slights.  So I have to be careful to be polite but not encouraging.  It is exhausting.  

I did tell my aunt recently if I ever date a guy on the bus it is going to be the bus driver.  I would actually enjoy doing that I think, when I'm ready 5 years down the road.  I don't care what he does as long as it is honest work.  

Tomorrow maybe I will make a list of things I am looking for, when I am looking.  I did like being married and having a companion so maybe I will date one day (5 years at least).  But when it's bad it's really bad and clearly I believe marriage is for life.  So, no rush.  

In the meantime I racked up a lot of extra hours, almost $100 which is a lot of money for me these days.  I can use it to build up my checking account.  Savings is pretty good I put $250 every pay period.  But checking was looking weak, I had to pay about $100 for the two new pair of work shoes (necessary!), then I got groceries on the debit card, etc.  Today I need to pay utility bills if it works out to do that before work.  So I plan to put it back, not spend it.  I did spend the $20 for the cab ride that's as crazy as I'm going to get.  

The good news for me he (yesterday's driver) did say he would be interested in taking me home late at night if I gave him some notice.  That is EXCELLENT.  Saves me 2 hours on the bus and creepy bus stop friends.  Some really strange men come out late at night.  

I need to go take my shower, that's it for now.  

Work was interesting.

 Not bad but challenging.  I have a coworker, issues with her.  She tattled on me to a supervisor over nothing, some time back.  Tonight she was nitpicking.  She thought I should work late.  

I finally told her "YOU have a car in the parking lot to drive home whenever you want.  I do not.  I take the bus..." etc.  She backed off for a while then tried to make me work after I had already clocked out, which I told her.  

She is NOT a supervisor we are equals.  Also it is verboten to work off the clock, that would get me fired.  I am certain she is going to go tattle again and I will have to explain to an overworked manager.  

I have actually never had this problem before.  I think she feels threatened by me.  

Got home fine, cats are good.  Going to bed.  

All day Wednesday and Thursday morning

 So I have had a burden about the firemen who responded when Ron died.  So I made up some bags with New Testaments and candy, a tract each (mainly "Why Does God allow Trouble?").  We went to the firehouse, it was closed for a remodel.  

We went to the local gas station because both my aunt and I like a cold drink.  Non alcohol of course.  Coming out, I practically fell over a fire district vehicle.  I waited and spoke to the man who came out, obviously had some authority.  Our district.  I explained how much I had appreciated the effort when Ron died, that they had really given their all, Ron died of a heart attack and nothing they could do, I was OK with that and thank you again I have some treats.  He took them.  

Glad I did that.  I probably should have mentioned the bear from the reaction on opening the door the firemen will never forget that bear, but I am happy.  

Then we ran errands, got me some new work shoes.  Went to the bank put $250 into savings for taxes and such.  Took a little cash out for me, bought some groceries, put them away, went out for lunch (it was takeout only so we ate at home).  She was really impressed with the Chinese restaurant and I don't get headaches eating there.  I got the teriyaki.  

She left and I laid down for a little bit.  I had a lot of caffeine so didn't really sleep but even lying down helps.  

I got up and bagged up about 15 bags of candy for the next couple days.  I also talked to Jack who said he can help with a ride today.  

I don't use his real name because if the stalker came after me they could go after him and I don't want that.  Jack is good enough.  I went to bed and did not sleep great; my hands are kind of bad today.  

Oh, yeah, I did get my phone appointment with Doc he was happy to hear I am settled.  Last we talked I was freshly widowed and unemployed it was pretty grim.  So glad to give him better news.  I said I have some depression but nothing I think is unreasonable, considering, and also functional out of it.  If I weren't bathing, taking care of the cats, etc. I would be worried but I am doing all that.  He called in my refills which I will probably get this weekend.  

I am not out of medication.  

So I got up, took my shower, going to get dressed and then do my God Time.  I am going to wear my somewhat older shoes because I don't want to break in new shoes on a day I have to ride the bus an hour and a half to work then stand on my feet for 8 hours.  That doesn't seem wise.  I would rather break them in gradually over a few days and then do that.  But they are really nice and plush.  Not expensive, though.  

I am wearing my support socks.  Not very glamorous but they do help a lot.  Not really with my feet but my legs.  Not that my legs hurt really they just feel better at the end of the day in the socks, so I will wear them.  Not much fun in the heat, though.  

I retired another pair of baggy jeans.  My aunt says the smaller ones look good on me so I washed those.  I got some of that "dark colors" laundry detergent because I like dark jeans.  But I have 5 pair that look pretty good so not worried about buying any new.  When I size down out of these, though, I have nothing, so I will have to go shopping.  It is nice to be a 20 now.  

My goal is to get down around 170 and see how I like that.  Anyway, I have to go get ready for work, that's it for now.  

I will try to do a short blog when I get home.  

Monday and Tuesday

 Yesterday seemed like such a harmless little day, on paper.  At first it was 12-4.  I was mildly concerned about that as that meant I would be crossing [busy street] in heavy rush hour traffic to arrive at work.  But they modified the schedule without my asking and kicked me back to 11 AM, for 5 hours.  I would rather work 5 hours because you have to take a lunch starting at 6 hours.  That's what I have to do Thursday and Friday nights.  I work 7 hours on paper but have to take a lunch.  

So I got out of there OK and on my way to work, got to work early.  Good.  I did my shift it was pretty busy.  We have some truly ugly clothing items I am glad are not required dress code.  Plenty of cute stuff, too.  I am a sporty/romantic dresser so I am happy in jeans and a t-shirt (dress code) or knit shorts and a t-shirt when I'm off; a long flowing skirt and cute top when I want to dress up.  

So I did that.  My replacement clocks in on time but takes about 10 minutes to make her way over to me, sometimes longer, but she is a long term employee so I just trust management is watching this.  I don't tattle.  So she finally came over and I took my break.  

I came back FIFTEEN (allotted break time) minutes later (included pit stop) and began assisting her.  I did that for the better part of an hour and a half; then we agreed (half an hour before I had to clock out) it would be a good time for her to take a break as I was still there to relieve her.  I thought this wouldn't be a problem.  

3:58 came and I had to go.  The store penalizes you for early/late clock times.  My supervisor has made that very clear.  So I left, clocked out, got my bag (note sequence of only messing with personal stuff AFTER clocking out), and headed out.  I finally saw the other woman, who shouted at me.  I didn't bother to say she had DOUBLED her fifteen minute break, that was not acceptable by any means, that I had to take a bus and her laziness would cost me half an hour waiting in the heat and humidity.  I just said "I have to go".  

If she complains to management I will then explain she took a half hour break instead of fifteen.  Good luck explaining that.  

I believe in giving my employer what they pay for.  Yes, I am only paid $11 an hour.  Some days I only make $40 after with-holding.  But they are paying me and wanted me for their organization so I work at being an employee they will value and appreciate.  That's just how I roll.  

So I got out to the bus stop another employee was there we chatted a bit.  Ron would say he was probably not used to having women talk to him as he was overtly disabled.  That doesn't faze me and I am wearing a huge wedding ring (silicone) so it is obvious I am not available.  The bus was late; then it ran over something and got a flat.  

That was a first for me.  We all had to get off the bus and wait at the next stop.  Only had to wait about 10 minutes though.  We were near a taco truck I thought of buying a drink but they only had to go cups in styrofoam and I didn't want that.  A bottle of soda I would have bought absolutely.  

I made my transfer to bus #2 pretty effortlessly.  Then I had to get off and walk next to the highway for a bit to get to my last stop.  I have developed some anxiety about this, but get it done.  I had a very slow, very large, woman in front of me I had to ask her to move as that slow pace was just aggravating my anxiety.  I wanted to get OUT of there and off to something safer.  

I had also decided, yesterday, to ride my last bus around and double back to the stop on the "safe" side of the street.  It took a lot longer but otherwise I would have been crossing a very busy street at 6 PM in the height of rush hour.  That just didn't seem safe.  

I had let all family (parents and aunt) know I was delayed and gave them each a call once I was almost home.  I checked the mail, got my bank statement and a charity newsletter.  Nice to get my mail so easily.  

I came home, Baby Girl met me at the door.  I had some cooked sausage for dinner which proved to be a bad choice as I have had the squirts all morning.  Better to find this out today.  

I have today and tomorrow off; Thursday and Friday I work long, late, days.  Hopefully Jack will feel up to getting me again.  

Yesterday my jeans were very loose in the crotch and butt.  I am retiring them.  I tried on some of my other jeans, I had a "too small" pile.  I have worked my way through most of this pile.  Anyway I had 2 left a slim fit 22 and a classic fit 20.  Both petite length because I have a short inseam, one was from Walmart and $13 when I bought it.  They are a lot more, now.  Anyway, both pair fit very well.  

I prefer a dark wash on my jeans so I decided I will buy some of that dark wash detergent.  But I need to look at new jeans now.  That is a good problem to have.  

Ron always said he would pay for me to get new clothes if/when I lost weight.  I do miss him a little he would have been happy for this.  Especially if I put on the old jeans and showed him how baggy they had gotten, then he would have groped me and laughed... good times.  

I am also down another half pound from the last time I weighed so a solid 220 now.  I am washing all my non-dark clothes (mainly shirts and underwear, bra, and face masks) today I will get the other ones tomorrow.  

It is overcast and gloomy but my mood is OK.  

Sunday video blog