Ron is extremely negative today. I kept asking him to stop. He kept attacking God and my faith, in addition to being extremely toxic and condescending.
He told me he would keep it up, until I asked God to "stop torturing Ron" - meaning, let Ron die. What do you say to that?
I honestly think he plans to keep this up until I am as miserable as Ron believes himself to be.
5 comments:
GET. AWAY. FROM. RON.
You really need to let God do His work. Maybe you need to just step out and take the bus on your days off. Need to take care of yourself, so you can do what you have to do. God loves you...He loves Ron too. We are all just rag dolls. We can do nothing without God, even the people who don't acknowledge Him.
You need to leave. It’s time.
For someone who wants to die so badly he sure does everything to make sure he keeps living. Perhaps he should rephrase and ask you to ask god to get rid of his pain while he is still alive. Though we both know god will do no such thing because he does not help people here on earth. Unless they need a vending machine fixed or a good parking spot.
One problem I have now: Ron is a lot more fragile than he used to be. Where I could go leave him for several hours at a time, nowadays when I leave the house I wonder if I should lock the door so paramedics can get in if he falls. He cannot even leave the house on his own, he needs my assistance. He could probably get out in a fire but it would be very ugly.
Not to mention all the doctor appointments. We were talking today and he was shocked he does not have any this week. But he has a computer emergency so that goes to the "doc" tomorrow.
He really hates himself, I am seeing that more lately. He was just cursing himself out, using words he normally only uses on me, because he had difficulty doing something. He internalizes it all and it is a steady diet of self hatred coming my way.
I am pretty content with who I am. I can always use improvement, but overall I love who I am. He sees that and gets even angrier that I can have limits and still have faith and happiness in my life. He gets furious and then lashes out at me "You think you're all that? Well, you're not. You are this and that and stupid and a loser besides"
Although, having said all that, he has been fine most times I went out with my aunt. One time I came home and found him on the floor, but most times when I go out I do find him "safe" in bed. I need to think more about getting out because it is more toxic than a waste dump here sometimes.
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